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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect a proposal by now?

105 replies

Allispretty · 25/12/2020 21:25

Bit of background...been with DP 5 years we've travelled about a lot to lovely cities places a proposal would be lovely, Paris, Venice, Barbados etc. I've always said from the beginning how I feel about being married and it's really important to me. We have a house together and living as a married couple so why won't he propose? We have enough money so that's not the issue. I'm 33 now I didn't want to be a nearly 40 year old bride, every year I feel like he's going to and it doesn't happen, is this a sign he just doesn't feel like I'm the one?

OP posts:
blueshoes · 25/12/2020 21:55

I think you have to give up the dream of a proposal and sound him out on getting married.

You don't have the biological clock ticking issue since you both don't want any more children. But you need to make it clear it is either he proposes or you walk. You have to force the issue, but it might not be a big thing and he just needed that little nudge. Once he is on board, he can stage a little proposal on holiday - for the groom's speech - but at least the pressure is off.

However, if he drags his feet, I think you need to make a decision. You cannot issue ultimatums without following through, so be prepared for plan B - a life with someone else who will marry you.

LolaSmiles · 25/12/2020 21:56

Maybe I'm lacking in romance but I don't think proposals should be a big surprise these days. Usually before a proposal the couple has already talked about marriage, timeframes, children etc and know they are on the same page.

It sounds like he knows it's something you want but it's all very abstract.

Going in a sulk over a holiday with friends because it's likely to mean not being married is childish OP. Plus, if you want to be married then you can be married regardless of the holiday. Get legally married and then have a celebration party later if you want the party too. Could it be that he knows you're focused on a wedding and he's got no interest in planning a big wedding (especially one that's big enough to warrant a sulk over a holiday)?

Alternatively he isn't bothered about marriage and is happy with life as it is, and you need to decide if you're willing to remain in a relationship if he says marriage isn't what he wants.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 25/12/2020 21:58

He is going off on a big holiday with someone that's not you, when presumably you haven't had a holiday together this year?

Yeah, you need to talk to him because if he doesn't want to get married and you do, you have some thinking to do.

Arrivederla · 25/12/2020 21:59

Don't be a passenger in your own life op! If you want something start taking the steps to make it happen.

WeAllHaveWings · 25/12/2020 22:00

If marriage is important to you talk to him and agree if and how it will happen. You are a 33 year old mother and already live together, think you are well past the coy stage.

What is more important? marriage or a fleeting proposal

Ginger1982 · 25/12/2020 22:00

He won't ask because you've made it comfortable for him. Living together, child (albeit not his)...he doesn't have any motivation to marry you.

Meredithgrey1 · 25/12/2020 22:05

@Allispretty

How can I approach it without sounding like an entitled bunny boiler Hmm
Why on earth would you sound like a bunny boiler? You’re in a long term relationship with him, discussing the future is perfectly reasonable. If you want to get married, discuss it with him!
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2020 22:09

A bunny boiler?! What now?

You’re an adult, a parent, in what you think is a committed relationship/partnership, why on Earth are you prepared to wait around seething instead of just bloody talking?

We had a conversation about getting married like we did about buying a house, booking a holiday or having a baby. Not because I’m channeling Glenn Close but because we’re equals in our shared life.

Would you expect him to present you with the keys to a new car or house without discussing it first? Wouldn’t you think it was weird and infantilising?

Do you want to be married or have a swanky insta-worthy proposal? Do you need proof of his love and commitment that a romantic “surprise” proposal would give you because you’re not getting it day to day?

My husband has children from his previous marriage, that made it even more important we talked about what being married would mean, for all of us. If he’d tried to land marriage on me with bu prior discussion I’ve had been appalled. It’s a massive decision and a legally binding contact. That requires a grown up chit chat.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 25/12/2020 22:10

@Allispretty

How can I approach it without sounding like an entitled bunny boiler Hmm
Why do you think in this way about an adult conversation regarding the direction of your relationship with your life partner?
jacks11 · 25/12/2020 22:10

Well, if it’s important to you and something you want then you need to speak to him about it, if you are not prepared to propose to him!

Surely it’s not that difficult? After all, you live with him, he’s taken on your child and you’ve been able to discuss plans around whether you want more children or not. If you can discuss those things, then you can and should be able to discuss your wish to get married too.

If it is important to you, then don’t wait around like some feeble woman who cannot possibly make decisions, make her thoughts and feeling clear or take action to get what she wants- but must instead wait for a man to make decisions for you.

It’s all well and good to want the romantic “gosh, aren’t I surprised?!” moment- but if you want something (especially within a certain time-frame) then you can’t expect others to be mind-readers or do things to your imaginary timetable. You need to discuss plans. Or maybe he senses this “oh, this would be the perfect place to propose” every find you go away and this puts him off. Maybe it feels contrived or cliched to him? Maybe he doesn’t feel the need to get married. Or perhaps it is something that he thinks would be fine at some point, but no particular hurry - I.e. because he doesn’t feel as strongly about marriage as you do he is happy to let things trundle along as they are or is is waiting on you to raise the matter? You’ll never know which, if any, of those options if you don’t talk to him about it.

Snally82 · 25/12/2020 22:12

I will be “nearly 40 year old bride” - sometimes life just works out that way!

Talk to him.

CodenameVillanelle · 25/12/2020 22:14

It is ridiculous to wait to be proposed to. You're a grown adult and you want something to happen in your life so discuss it like an adult. You're not a Victorian maiden in a novel you're a mother of children with agency over your own life.
Telling the man you love that you want to be married doesn't make you 'an entitled bunny boiler' nor are you forcing the issue. Why on Earth do women still think they have to wait for men to decide they are allowed to get married? It's absolutely ridiculous

thepeopleversuswork · 25/12/2020 22:15

You can’t in this day and age sit around waiting to be proposed to. Take control of the situation and ask. Or sit around for several years wondering.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/12/2020 22:16

Is he making you feel like you would be an entitled bunny boiler if you raise it? If so, that’s not great
I would say what @KnitsAndGiggles suggested.

But first I’d have a think about what my response would be if he makes it clear he is not keen or tries to avoid the subject. If that happens I’d probably say that I’ve always made it clear that I wanted to be married and that if we don’t share the same life goals then I need to know now so that I can move on. And I’d mean it. I wouldn’t accept an engagement either. I’d expect bookings to be made.

You deserve to be happy op and to be treated with respect. You should be able to ask for what you want. Good luck

Haggertyjane · 25/12/2020 22:16

Sit him sown and say, I don't want to marry you but I want all the financial security marriage give (look into it).

Then show him the list of all the things he needs to do to enshrine in law this security. The list is enormous and includes wills, insurances, all things financial etc. It's such a lot of work but you have the right to this security.

Then tell him all we have to do is marry and these things are pretty automatic!

BackforGood · 25/12/2020 22:17

YABU to not have a conversation with someone you are saying you think you want to spend the rest of your life with.
A 'romantic proposal' or 'big event' isn't the way to make big decisions about your life.

Piwlyfbicsly · 25/12/2020 22:18

How can people date for so long, travel that much and even buy a house together AND to be shy to discuss marriage? Bugs me!
It’s a bit weird if he didn’t propose by now and maybe it’s time for a frank conversation. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. Actually you could propose yourself saying that you see him as your husband. Why not?

Pyewhacket · 25/12/2020 22:19

Most men do want children eventually IMHO.

I’m not sure that’s necessarily true. I’ve never met a guy who said their ambition was to be a father. In fact an awful lot of men I know just wanted a relationship. They “go long” with marriage and kids as a concession to maintain that relationship but if they were totally honest with themselves , they really don’t want any of it. Many go on to regret it which is why an increasing number are not prepared to risk the destructive shit-storm of divorce.

thedevilinablackdress · 25/12/2020 22:20

Marriage is not some sort of prize for men to award women.
And life is not the movies.
There's too much emphasis on this whole "If he wants to marry you he'll ask". Plenty of men (and women) are perfectly happy cohabiting without marriage. But if its important to their partner, they're happy to get married.

Starlive23 · 25/12/2020 22:21

I really wanted to get married, much more important to me than DH. I spoke to him about it, we agreed a date, and have been married very happily for 10 years.

I'd have loved a spontaneous proposal but I didn't get one. I got a lovely wedding and a fantastic marriage and really happy life with wonderful children.

The proposal wasn't a big deal looking back honestly, but everything that happened since has been!

MaskingForIt · 25/12/2020 22:21

He’s not going to buy the cow when he’s getting the milk for free, is he?

BonnieDundee · 25/12/2020 22:22

How can I approach it without sounding like an entitled bunny boiler
So if he asks you to marry him that's ok but if you ask him you'll sound like an entitled bunny boiler? Have you listened to yourself? Isn't yours a partnership of equals? If not i really can't recommend getting married

Socialbutterfly198 · 25/12/2020 22:22

Speak to him about it like a grown up - say you’re not getting any younger and how it’s important to you and explain why. Then say you’d like to talk about when you two can make this happen. He can always propose properly at a later date. Men very rarely propose out of the blue from what I’m told.

carnations23 · 25/12/2020 22:23

I waited and waited and waited, 5+ years. Turns out my DH didn't want to get married, we talked things over and got married a few months after the conversation, he says he wished he had married me sooner 🤦‍♀️

didireallysaythat · 25/12/2020 22:35

It's 2020. Ask him. And then talk.

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