To expect a proposal by now?

[Allispretty]

Bit of background...been with DP 5 years we've travelled about a lot to lovely cities places a proposal would be lovely, Paris, Venice, Barbados etc. I've always said from the beginning how I feel about being married and it's really important to me. We have a house together and living as a married couple so why won't he propose? We have enough money so that's not the issue. I'm 33 now I didn't want to be a nearly 40 year old bride, every year I feel like he's going to and it doesn't happen, is this a sign he just doesn't feel like I'm the one?

@Regularsizedrudy

If he wanted to he would. he doesn’t want to.

And the same could be argued about the OP and marriage.

I proposed to my DH, twice because he said "No" the first time. If it's what you want, then go for it, don't hope and hint and tolerate constant disappointment.

Thank you everyone it's really given me some food for thought...I have no idea why I feel like a bunny boiler i sound like a pathetic teenager 🤦🏽‍♀️ I guess I've always been of the mindset if you push a man for something then its not something they necessarily want....we have talked about it a few times I even picked a ring this year and it wasn't very expensive and DP seemed really surprised so we talked about it and I think he thought I wanted a really flash £5k ring so had been putting it off, my issue it that was 6 months ago and I'm still without a proposal and no sign as to when it will be! My mum keeps mentioning it all the time and looked really disappointed again today at lunch saying I thought you'd have a ring today so it made me feel even worse.

We have a house together and living as a married couple so why won't he propose?
You answered your own question there. At the moment he has all the conveniences and none of the commitments

@Kissthepastrychef

We have a house together and living as a married couple so why won't he propose? You answered your own question there. At the moment he has all the conveniences and none of the commitments

I guess your right here...I should have set the bar and said I wasn't moving in with him until we married...hindsight's a wonderful thing 🙄

Pushing a man is very different to a rational conversation as equals in a relationship where you both outline your hopes & timeframes.

If he doesn't want to get married then he won't. If he caves after being pushed then he isn't a strong character. If he does because it's marriage or losing the relationship then he's shown he values the relationship. If he is open to marriage but brings the timeframe forward then that's a decent outcome from an adult discussion.

Your mum needs to keep quiet in my opinion. It's really selfish of family members to be ring watching and/or bump watching when it's none of their business.

You’re not being a bunny boiler by simply having a conversation regarding this.

Just ask him where he sees your relationship going, and that you always wanted to get married and it could be a deal breaker if he’s uninterested as you have different life goals.

This is MN, where wanting a nice proposal is always seen as childish and unfeminist and the only acceptable way is a chat in the queue at Tesco.

I was in a similar position to you OP, that was at about the 4.5 year mark, and @Vitaminsss is right. I had a conversation just to lay cards on the table and confirm that marriage was how he saw the future. I may have also dropped some hints here and there. He proposed just before 5 years.

Sorry OP, but if he wanted to he would.

You have moved in and bought a house and it really doesn't sound as if he is that pushed.

Also the going on a big holiday without you is aldso indicative of him having other priorities.

You are 5 years in without what you want.

Spell it out to him and dont waste any more time on it.
It's either a deal breaker or you suck it up.

I really wouldn't be dependent on him long term though.

Sorry.
Best of luck.

The thing is, youre already living as a married couple. What is actually your line in the sand for ending this relationship and moving on because he doesn't want marriage? Or would you stay forever without getting married?

What’s your issue with being a bride nearing 40?

You’re hardly a blushing bride at any age when you already have a child with another man.

You must have looked in to the differences in legal protections between cohabiting people and a married couple by now? Is none of that important to you? You -as a couple- have zero legal protections, you are both single. You can just get married relatively cheaply and easily and have a party some other time if you’re into that, but it sounds like your boyfriend isn’t really interested. Just have a conversation like adults, the time for a swoony proposal has long, long passed.

Marrying you is not important to him.

We had been together for 9 years with a DD and I told him he had until 10 years to get married or he was kicked to the curb. It was enough to make him propose and we got married in our 10th anniversary. Marriage wasn’t as important to him as it was to me, sometimes they just need a little nudge!!

I find this sort of thing so strange tbh! My husband and I just decided to get married tbh - planned the wedding, been married a few years now!

Don’t get why this tradition of men having to propose is still sticking around in 2020

Agree with trixie- unfortunately life can work out that way. I’m 36 and getting married next year... should have been this year but postponed due to covid.

Just have a chat on New Year’s Eve or something as say “ what do you want for the year ahead? I’d like us to get married, shall we do that?” but be prepared for him to answer honestly.

Also...from the way you speak I suspect it’s not just about the proposal but also the wedding? Would you be happy with a restricted covid wedding or registry office do? If not he could be waiting until he thinks you could actually have the wedding he thinks you’ll want.

Don’t get why this tradition of men having to propose is still sticking around in 2020

It's because women like to feel the man has made effort and taken a bit of initiative. It feels, rightly or wrongly, like it means he really wants to do it and it gives more of a feeling of security. Like he wants you enough to make a the effort.

I had a down on on knee proposal and I liked it very much, I absolutely understand why women want it. But it didn't come out of the blue. We had discussed marriage and as far as I could tell, we were on the same page about it. If no moves had been made to propose or arrange a wedding, I'd have had a conversation about it.

With that said, women still have choices in this. If marriage or a proposal is something you want and it's not forthcoming, you don't have to put up with it.

Did he buy the ring and just not give it to you? He knows you want to get married but he hasn’t proposed so that indicates he doesn’t want to marry you. Is it a dealbreaker if he never proposes?

I wouldn't want to marry someone who had to be dragged down the aisle kicking and screaming. But I do think it's reasonable to discuss where the relationship is going

FWIW, I would have rather liked a romantic proposal, so i hear what you're saying, but this is 2020, not 1820

I guess I've always been of the mindset if you push a man for something then its not something they necessarily want

Not being bothered about marriage doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you. DP and I are committed to each other for life but neither of us has yet felt the need to signify that with a wedding. It's just not important to either of us.

For various reasons I'm actively against the idea of marriage. If I had a DP who really wanted to I'd do it but he feels much the same way. If he changed his mind I'd expect him to bring it up in a normal conversation about our future, not take part in some surprise proposal nonsense.

Tell your BF that getting married is important to you. Tell him you want to marry him. Plan it together as a team, don't be a passive passenger in something you want so much.

My mum keeps mentioning it all the time and looked really disappointed again today at lunch saying I thought you'd have a ring today so it made me feel even worse.

Absolutely nip this one in the bud by the way. Tell your mum to wind her neck all the way back in - she shouldn't be making you feel like this and she definitely knows what she's doing.

@evenBetter

You must have looked in to the differences in legal protections between cohabiting people and a married couple by now? Is none of that important to you? You -as a couple- have zero legal protections, you are both single. You can just get married relatively cheaply and easily and have a party some other time if you’re into that, but it sounds like your boyfriend isn’t really interested. Just have a conversation like adults, the time for a swoony proposal has long, long passed.

Yes, exactly. Marriage isn’t some kind of prize men eventually award women they’ve lived with for years. Just get on with it, and cut the knees and surprise stuff, which only makes the remotest sense for people at a very different stage of their relationship.

I am also of the mindset that if he wanted to marry you he would.

I am also of the mindset that if he wanted to marry you he would.

And he wrote possibly will when OP has a straightforward conversation about what she wants.

I have to be honest, I believe that if he hasn’t proposed to in 5 years and there is no sniff of a proposal, it’s because he doesn’t want to marry you. If marriage is important to you, you may have to rethink the relationship. whatever you do, don’t give him an ultimatum. Would you really want to marry someone who didn’t really want to? In my experience when a man wants to marry a woman, he will make that happen, and definitely sooner than 5 years in.