To expect a proposal by now?

[Allispretty]

Bit of background...been with DP 5 years we've travelled about a lot to lovely cities places a proposal would be lovely, Paris, Venice, Barbados etc. I've always said from the beginning how I feel about being married and it's really important to me. We have a house together and living as a married couple so why won't he propose? We have enough money so that's not the issue. I'm 33 now I didn't want to be a nearly 40 year old bride, every year I feel like he's going to and it doesn't happen, is this a sign he just doesn't feel like I'm the one?

LovingCountryLife
Have to say that's different from my experience. Was with my DP for about a decade before I decided I'd like to marry. Neither of us had been in interested in it before that. When I said I'd like to marry, he said "ok, let's do that". And we did.

@LovingCountryLife

I have to be honest, I believe that if he hasn’t proposed to in 5 years and there is no sniff of a proposal, it’s because he doesn’t want to marry you. If marriage is important to you, you may have to rethink the relationship. whatever you do, don’t give him an ultimatum. Would you really want to marry someone who didn’t really want to? In my experience when a man wants to marry a woman, he will make that happen, and definitely sooner than 5 years in.

See this is what I also felt like but he's told me numerous times in the one and he wants to marry me, I think it's boiling down to money and him thinking he needs to live up to expectations in term of a big flashy ring...I like pps suggestion about bringing up on nye

Have you discussed what kind of wedding you both want? If he thinks he needs to buy a flashy ring then maybe he's also anticipating that you'd want a flashy wedding. Is he perhaps worried that once he's proposed he's on an unstoppable bandwagon? My dh had that experience with his exw (or rather his ex MIL), and was concerned about it happening again.

We'd talked for years about being married, but hadn't really discussed how we would do it.

imo we'd both agreed that we wanted to be married so what was the point in a 'proposal'. One new year's day we were talking about our plans and I just said "we both know we want to be married and I think that this year we should make it happen". He agreed and a few months later we were married in a small ceremony. About 8 years later he bought me an 'engagement' ring .

The events of 2020 have made it easier to have a small wedding and impossible to have a huge extravagant event

Well this is it OP, do you want to be married or do you want a ring and a big wedding? Make sure you're on the same page.

I like pps suggestion about bringing up on nye

Only do that if you're prepared for a very honest answer.

As others have said, he has no reason to marry you (in his eyes) because he's got all the trappings of marriage with no commitment.

I'd spend some time over the next few weeks asking yourself whether this set up is enough for you and deciding what to do with your future.

Even if that means you or him moving out and continuing the relationship, living apart.

Why are you waiting around like some sort of jane austen heroine?
You’re grown ups. Tell him you want to get married

This. How come, in 2020, women are still behaving like this? Even when I got married in the late '70s couples actually talked about their plans and didn't wait around for some big romantic gesture.

I made it clear from the get go that I wouldnt have children until married, even living together as i felt and saw in all my friends who had that it delayed marriage. At the very min i wouldnt move in and give up my lovely flat without a proposal. I did actually move in earlier than planned due to moving to be nearer (still in my own flat but staying at weekends and once midweek) then that job not working out. But he knew I wanted to live with him, just married first or engaged. He proposed 7 months later. I come from a fairly conservative, religious background though - he doesnt - but he knew expectations beforehand. And i would not compromise on marriage and if he hadnt proposed (or i knew he had ring etc) within a year i would have left - i hadnt told him that though. But he knew i wouldnt wait forever. I think when we first stsrted going out i said if a man hadnt proposed within 3 years he was wasting everyone's time. It doesn't take too long to figure out if you love someone, and not muxh longer if its long term. Other will people will get on here and say im wrong, 3 years isnt that long etc. Maybe not if not priorites are different (jobs house etc) but in terms of the person alone its long enough.

As previous poster highlighting, DP assumed you wanted flats (ie costly) ring so had been putting it off

Please don’t confuse getting married with costly wedding

Let him know the getting married is what is important. Especially with all the weddings having to be cancelled/postpone/down sized

If it’s the getting married that’s important to you, bring it up. Tell him you want to plan it and discuss what you both want to plan.

You need to sit him down and speak to him. But be prepared for him to say he's not interested in marriage.

If that happens, you need to think about what you're going to do next.

If its that important to you : ask him😊

I think you’re scared that if you ask and he says no, you’ll have to make a decision about whether you’ll continue as things are, or whether it will be a deal breaker. You aren’t happy as things are though and that won’t change as long as you’re uncertain.

It does feel a bit as though he’s keeping his options open and that he’s maybe not so sure about you as you are about him. I think you need to look at your finances and think about what you would do in the event that you don’t stay together. If your child isn’t his child, even though he’s been in the child’s life for a long time, you’ll have to consider that he won’t have to be responsible for that financial commitment.

OP DP might honestly just think it's not the right time.

I'm recently engaged at four years and everyone else seemed to be of the view that DP should have asked long before now but honestly, until now it's just not been the right time for us.

We've always been of the shared view that we'd get engaged to get married a short time after rather than have a long engagement which is why we've waited. We've had loads of other things going on in our lives until now - several amazing holidays, careers, buying and renovating our forever home. I've had the best four years of my life.

There was never any doubt in my mind an engagement would happen at the right time.

It's possible, as others have said, that he doesn't want to get married but he might also just think it's not time. I wouldn't expect an engagement based on calendar years alone. Talk to him about what you both want from life and your relationship. He might surprise you and, if he says he doesn't want marriage, at least you'll know.

Stop waiting for him to decide when the marriage happens. You are supposed to be a partnership, it’s a joint decision to get married. A very honest conversation is needed, you tell him that the relationship is now at the stage where marriage is the next step and if he’s up for marrying you then you both need to start the arrangements.

he’s told me numerous times I’m the one and he wants to marry me

So when he next says that, say ok, let’s get it booked and pull out a calendar. His reaction will tell you whether he meant it or not.

Well if he’s told you that he wants to marry you then he won’t have any issues with getting on with the arrangements with you will he?

but he's told me numerous times in the one and he wants to marry me

The question you need to ask yourself is why. If you are the 'one', why hasn't he already asked? There’d be no question of doubt etc if you truly are 'the one's.

Sounds like he is stringing you along and telling you what you want to hear to keep you in a relationship but not married. He says all the right things but does not actually follow through on his words.

We didn’t get married for years because we wanted to climb the property ladder and get our home secure first. He said he was going to marry me in our first year together and nearly every time he got drunk after that he would remind me. Suppose I was happy to wait around because I knew the intent was there.

After we were engaged I asked him why he took so long, he said it was money and he wanted us to have a big white wedding, which might sound a bit like your DP. When I saw the insurance certificate for the ring was so annoyed at how much he spent because like you I didn’t expect a big expensive blingy ring, would have been happy with whatever he chose. I think some men do feel pressure to get everything perfect, engagements and weddings usually do equal pound signs (not that it should be the case or an excuse but weddings can get expensive)

I wouldn’t propose but I’m perhaps old fashioned like that. Why don’t you sit your DP down for a chilled chat and just ask where he see’s your future?

I know 2 people whom this happened to. One is still waiting after 5+ years. All her friends etc are getting married and having DC and she’s still waiting. The other waited almost 10 years and proposed to her OH in the end. He said yes. They’re now married!
I think you have to make a choice really either take control and do the proposing yourself or have a discussion with him re-ring etc and make sure you’re expectations are lower.

And what may I ask is wrong with being a nearly 40 year old bride? I will be exactly that when I get married next year at age 39.

Jesus, I wasn't aware we had stepped back to the 19th century....

But bluntly - IMO he hasn't asked because he doesn't want to or marriage isn't important to him. You live as a couple already - from his point of view he probably doesn't see the point!
You really need to have a conversation about your relationship - is marriage a dealbreaker for you? Are your finances/wills etc all sorted?

Here's another perspective for you. I am a woman with the most amazing man for a partner. He wants to get married so badly and I couldn't give less toss about being married. I'll do it for him though because it means so much to him. We didn't do the proposal nonsense, he dropped a few hints and I said that it would make practical sense to be married so I'll do it. I think he's a bit disappointed in my practical approach but in my eyes that's all marriage is, a contract of sorts. You have a right to ask for it, just be clear you're not after some fancy romantic gesture, you just want the security and stability.

Just tell him you want to be married, regardless of ring or big party. Tell him you'd like to book a registry slot when you're allowed to and have a nice meal out afterwards. See what he says.

but in my eyes that's all marriage is, a contract of sorts.

Thats exactly what marriage is. And others would do to remember that.

@HollyGenneroMcClane

but in my eyes that's all marriage is, a contract of sorts.

Thats exactly what marriage is. And others would do to remember that.

And a very important contract it is too! It provides protection and rights.

You can be the one to propose and it'll still be special. If he says no, then at least you'll know where you stand.