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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how many friends you’ve got

166 replies

Tellmelies65 · 25/12/2020 19:57

I’ve got one friend that I could tell everything to. A childhood friend. A few others but definitely still under ten in total. I’m in my late 40’s.

OP posts:
Bigfatpicnic · 25/12/2020 22:49

4 that I would trust completely and could talk to about anything. I could call them any time and they would be there. It cuts both ways, I’d do the same for them. They are my tribe and inner circle if you like. They will be there for life, I’m confident of that.
I’ve got many acquaintances, but they are school mums, gym people, hobby people , work people etc. I am happy to pass the time of day with them, or go for the odd night out or meet up, but that’s it.

Quality over quantity.

Elle200 · 25/12/2020 22:51

None at all. I have my mum but she's dying;. When she's gone I will literally have nobody to talk to.

rhowton · 25/12/2020 23:00
  1. I've had 7 for about 12 years now. One from primary, one from secondary, one for 6th form and 4 from uni. I've been MOH for 3, will be MOH for 2 next year, MOH for one in 2022 and one isn't engaged but will most likely be MOH 😂 they were all bridesmaids for me, one was MOH. 5 of them are godmother to my kids and I am god mother to the ones that have been born so far. I'm not interested in making any other friends and I don't have any half friends (friends who you couldn't call in 3am).
whatkatydid2013 · 25/12/2020 23:07

In terms of who I could call pretty much any time I have half a dozen very close friends. In terms of people I’m close enough to feel comfortable sharing problems or worries with then quite a lot. I can think of at least dozen people I’ve worked with over many years that I consider good friends and could get in touch with and talk through problems with. I have a handful of school and uni friends I’ve stayed close to for 40+ years and another dozen mum friends (mostly met through groups when my eldest was tiny). When people say they have no friends at all what do you mean by that? Is it that you really don’t feel close at all to any of the people you socialise with and spend time with under normal circumstances? Or is it under a very narrow definition where they’d need to help you burry a body in the middle of the night or similar?

whatkatydid2013 · 25/12/2020 23:08

Ha that should be 20+ not 40+ years though one of them I have known my whole life as our parents are also friends

cakeallday · 25/12/2020 23:10

Three who I could call for help at any time of night and would tell them anything. I don't have one 'Best Friend' though.

Eight more who are good long-term friends as well.

Then quite a few friends/acquaintances met through hobbies and children, but we aren't in contact regularly or sharing innermost thoughts.

Princesspickle777 · 25/12/2020 23:13

3, maybe 4 but only 1 of them I consider a close friend. Non of these i see or speak to often.

peachcherries · 25/12/2020 23:14

I'm 30 and have 7 close friends that are there for me no end made up of neighbours and school mum friends.

SquidInALid · 25/12/2020 23:19

One from school, one from uni, one from baby days who would do anything for me and I for them.

Then I have around eight local friends and five who live further away that I regard as good friends.

I'm very lucky.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/12/2020 23:26

I think its worth exploring what is meant by "friend". People seem to have very different definitions. For some people it means only those very very close people who are almost family substitutes, for others it includes a person you see once a year or that you go for coffee with.

I've noticed also on these boards a growing number of people who seem massively disillusioned at their friendships and at the idea of friendship itself and have sworn off it: I've seen numerous posts from people saying things like "none, and I will never have them again", because they've fallen out with a close friend.

I find it bizarre, sad and a bit pathological: why does the end of one friendship spell the end of friendship as a concept? It's as irrational as people saying that because a romantic relationship has failed there will never be another one. Why do so many people feel like this these days?

80sColourfulChristmas · 25/12/2020 23:34

2 but none who I could call in a crisis. One is a mum at school and the other I hear from maybe once every 3/4 weeks

:( As a single Mum I am SO lonely :( Thanks

80sColourfulChristmas · 25/12/2020 23:36

@Monkeytapper

I have a lot of acquaintances but only about 4 people who I feel I could ring in the middle of the night and they would help me if I ever needed anything. I would rather have quality friends over quantity.
Only 4?!?!?!? Seriously?! Consider yourself extremely bloody blessed Hmm
80sColourfulChristmas · 25/12/2020 23:37

@arethereanyleftatall

I've got about 30 that I would go out on a 121 with; made up of old uni friends; friends from my hockey team; neighbours; and mum friends. Then about another 50 (mostly mums from school) that I would go out in a group with.,
😲
SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 25/12/2020 23:40

You may call it pathological - is that meant in the abnormal or dysfunctional sense? - another called it sociopathic.

I’ve been so hurt by some in my life - relationships or friendships - that I call it self preservation.

Yes, I’ll grant you it is sad.

But when your dh beats Merry shit out of you and then your dp thinks it is fine to cheat because he isn’t in the same postcode? And your friend who you’ve seen through thick and thin drops you at Christmas because you are unable to fit into her new mummy social group (due to multiple miscarriages and two still births) then yep I’m irrational enough to not get hurt like that again.

I’m fine for acquaintance/friendship lite. Sad as that may sound to some.

Yohoheaveho · 25/12/2020 23:44

Now in my 50s my partner is my only confidante, I have had close female friends in previous decades though

ellenleaves · 25/12/2020 23:47

I'm incredibly lucky that I have a good circle of friends - 10 or so locally I can call on in a crisis (and more who would be happy to help but are further afield) and numerous other social friends. I am very fortunate.

Blimeyoreilly2020 · 25/12/2020 23:47

Have only got a few pages in but thank you for letting me know I’m not utterly weird...,where I live now everyone seems to have truck loads (I’m talking 20++) of good friends... I have 9 good friends (split over the Country and a few across the globe) and then lots of acquaintances....seems a decent number here and now feel lucky.

formerbabe · 25/12/2020 23:48

I don't know about anyone else but I think because I have a sister who I'm really close to and speak to every day and see several times a week, I'm a bit crap at making friends because I don't especially need them..so I have my old school friends and a friend I met through having kids but not many new friendships.

nutmegofconsolation2 · 25/12/2020 23:50

I am amazed to find that in my mid 50s I have three good GOOD friends and about 10 good friends. I've worked at it, having lost loads - or let loads atrophy - in my 30s and40s. Friends are where it's at

Yohoheaveho · 25/12/2020 23:51

Why do so many people feel like this these days?
I wonder if people have unrealistic expectations of friendships these days?
In my case I think my lack of close friends is down to me ...as I've got older I am more 'bent out of shape' I have suffered more from the 'slings and arrows' etc, it's rare that i come across any one with whom I feel remotely like minded😕
Not to mention I can be prickly and awkward 🙈

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/12/2020 23:58

I'm nearly 50. I have 4 close friends, we're a gang, totally have each other's back, we're in contact daily, they are all bloody wonderful.
I'd say I have lots of other very good friends, the type you've known for years but either distance or lifestyle etc means you're not in each other's life much anymore. I've probably got about 15 of them, they're a big part of my history and I love seeing them when I can and when I do it's like we saw each other yesterday!
I also have 1 very good friend from my nct days, she's like family but we no longer live near to one another. We have kept in touch for 20 years now and I can't imagine her not being in my life.
And finally, I have a colleague who I'm very close to. Pre covid times I would see her outside of work and she is someone who I'd consider a really good friend.

I know I'm very very lucky.

Ginandplatonic · 26/12/2020 00:04

@thepeopleversuswork Why do so many people feel like this these days?

Maybe it’s just that social media exposes us to the full spectrum of social interactions and responses? Whereas before things like MN existed our knowledge of other peoples’ thoughts and relationships was confined to our own social circle of self-selected, presumably like-minded friends?

In the case of this particular thread, it may be skewed towards lonely people by the fact that I assume most people are posting on Christmas night for them (Boxing Day morning here).

DeeCeeCherry · 26/12/2020 00:05

Friends - 7. Of those 3 are very close friends that I've known for years, since primary school days. Others that I go out with/text but I'd say they're close acquaintances

Buggerofff · 26/12/2020 00:05

...

Buggerofff · 26/12/2020 00:06

Mid 20s