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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fuming

135 replies

DaenarysStormborn · 25/12/2020 07:20

It's out first year having Christmas in our own house. First Xmas married. First time cooking a turkey and generally organising Christmas Day. Got my family coming over as per restrictions...
My DH decided to spend Christmas Eve getting so drunk that he is currently throwing up really horrifically in the downstairs bathroom with alcohol poisoning. (He can't take his alcohol and ends up ill for days afterwards).

I'm so cross - I've spent ages preparing, teaching myself how to cook it all and was looking forward to enjoying the food etc...he will be throwing up all day and not be able to eat anything or help me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Kalula · 25/12/2020 11:53

*seems like quite a pattern (not 'some' like)

Cocomarine · 25/12/2020 11:55

@Fuckstickss

I know he's a dick, but haven't we all done similar? He's going to feel like an absolute twat tomorrow.

I'd be veering towards being kind. When I did this years ago we then had a 4hr drive to family, and oh my god it was terrible.

No, we haven’t all done similar.

I can honesty say I’ve never upset my partner on Xmas Day by being too unwell from alcohol, still throwing up all day, to be present.

I expect that almost everyone on MN has had a moment where they’ve realised too late that they’ve had one too many. But @Fuckstickss have you wiped out a day vomiting, on a day that was important to your partner, when you were hosting others? And even if you say “yeah, actually I have”, have you had such drinking sessions on multiple other occasions too? Because even if you have, I really don’t we “all” have, no.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/12/2020 11:57

Why do you think he’s not an alcoholic??
If his parents are, he is more likely to be. Alcoholics don’t necessarily drink all day every day.

A chat with Alanon in the new year might be a good idea for you

User158340 · 25/12/2020 11:58

Shut him in the bedroom today. Kick him out the house tomorrow and get a divorce.

Enjoy your day. Who needs a fool like this?

SirGawain · 25/12/2020 12:03

@BubblyBarbara

Where were you while he was getting this drunk? (Knowing that he has a bad reaction to alcohol.)
Oh good. Let's play blame the victim shall we! Biscuit
Yohoheaveho · 25/12/2020 12:09

His BMI is very low

diddl · 25/12/2020 12:14

"Told him tough - my mum's refused to open presents without him..."

God, people pander to this shit?

No wonder it keeps happening!

Cocomarine · 25/12/2020 12:17

@diddl

"Told him tough - my mum's refused to open presents without him..."

God, people pander to this shit?

No wonder it keeps happening!

It might be a, “tough shit if he feels crap, I’m here, he can damn get his sorry arse down here and be polite” move?
diddl · 25/12/2020 12:35

"It might be a, “tough shit if he feels crap, I’m here, he can damn get his sorry arse down here and be polite” move?"

Oh yes, you're probably right!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/12/2020 14:11

"It might be a, “tough shit if he feels crap, I’m here, he can damn get his sorry arse down here and be polite” move?"

Which is all very well if the DPs don't mind someone rushing out of the room choking back vomit. Personally I do, but as ever, each to their own

Maybe it's worth remembering that OP said "both sets of parents have issues with alcohol" ... perhaps she's a bit desenstised to the sort of behaviour which would seem horrific to others?

Original poster
DaenarysStormborn · 25/12/2020 14:24

@Puzzledandpissedoff Potentially desensitised...my mum is a Stately Homes/alcoholic and ruined Christmas almost every year with rows and resentment. I'm hosting because I am fed up of the lack of control and having to pander to her every year. So this year is important because it needs to be a success so I can justify hosting again IYSWIM.

He came down for presents, was generally pleasant and then ran back to bed. I'll talk to him later about it. He is saying sorry. It just doesn't fix anything.

I don't think he's an alcoholic because he rarely drinks to excess. This year has been hard for everyone obviously but I think it will do him good when we are post tiers so we can reinstate the 'only drink out of the house' rule.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 25/12/2020 14:29

He needs to go to the doctors then OP if he is having this reaction to alcohol and is that underweight there is defintiely something going on - and celiac would fit with both

vanillandhoney · 25/12/2020 14:35

If he's underweight and coeliac, that would explain his reaction to alcohol - he's basically having an allergic reaction to it. Obviously his behaviour is appalling but it could be that it makes him genuinely unwell as opposed to him just having overdone it.

BlueThistles · 25/12/2020 14:44

Oh do please cut out the crappy excuses... for his behaviour.. 🙄

He got pissed and ruined today.. he's a twat.. the end.. 😏

Kalula · 25/12/2020 14:57

[quote DaenarysStormborn]@Puzzledandpissedoff Potentially desensitised...my mum is a Stately Homes/alcoholic and ruined Christmas almost every year with rows and resentment. I'm hosting because I am fed up of the lack of control and having to pander to her every year. So this year is important because it needs to be a success so I can justify hosting again IYSWIM.

He came down for presents, was generally pleasant and then ran back to bed. I'll talk to him later about it. He is saying sorry. It just doesn't fix anything.

I don't think he's an alcoholic because he rarely drinks to excess. This year has been hard for everyone obviously but I think it will do him good when we are post tiers so we can reinstate the 'only drink out of the house' rule.[/quote]
I don't think he's an alcoholic because he rarely drinks to excess.
You said he has done this "quite a few times". That means a lot. So you are not very clear on if it's 'rarely' or 'quite a few'.

And as I mentioned, being an alcoholic has nothing to do with 'drink to excess' (which you said he has done quite a few times). In fact, binge-drinking (your DH) and alcoholism are not the same thing.

You can be an alcoholic and only have one drink per day. Every day.
You can be a binge-drinker that can go for a month or more without a single drink, but down 12 or 16 drinks in one night.

Binge-drinking and alcoholism are not the same thing and AA will tell you this. Your DH sounds like a binge-drinker. Not necessarily an alcoholic. Apparently binge-drinking does more damage to the liver far quicker (ie all those drinks in one hit). You're more likely to survive to old age if you are an alcoholic (that doesn't drink to excess) than if you are a binge-drinker. Yeah, strange but true.

Cocomarine · 25/12/2020 15:17

So this year is important because it needs to be a success so I can justify hosting again IYSWIM.

Can I please pick you up on this OP, separate to the alcoholism and shitty behaviour.

You don’t need to justify anything.
You want Xmas at yours - have it at yours.
You want to invite your parents - invite them.
You don’t want to - don’t.

You don’t have to justify it, you don’t need to prove you can host Xmas by hosting a perfect one (your husband has pissed that up a wall for you now anyway, so just as well it doesn’t matter 🤨)

The best Xmas gift you’ll give yourself, is recognising that you don’t have to justify your Xmas plans to your shitty parents. Once you’ve accepted that you don’t have to take shit from them, you may find yourself less forgiving of your husband’s shit.

I’m sorry you’re facing this on Xmas Day... but it’s better dealt with in the long run.

Wheresmykimchi · 25/12/2020 15:40

@Kalula

Yes, as Puzzledandpissedoff has said, OP 'quite a few times before' some like quite a pattern of behaviour, whether it's at home or at a friend's house, what does it matter, he still has a very obvious drinking problem, and I say this gently but I think you are minimising it and are in denial. Twice would be the absolute end of it for me. That's twice too many. Let alone quite a few times. Having to 'dragging him home from friends' is what my mum had to do with dad. So humiliating for her, and myself. And she preferred him to do that at home rather than embarrass himself at a friend's place. Your DH might not be an alcoholic per se, but he is a binge drinker/alcohol abuser. There is no doubt about that by what you describe, and if you spoke to your GP about it, they will tell you he has a problem. My GP has said that (Binge Drinking) is often worse/does more damage than general alcoholism.
In fairness OP has been contradictory as she said further upthread that he hasnt.
TheSilentStars · 25/12/2020 15:43

He's not an alcoholic. He'd be able to hold his drink better than a 14 year old after his first bottle of Merrydown behind the bike shed if he were
He's just an immature twat.
You are starting to make excuses for him OP, which is fair enough, it's human nature to want to believe that people do things because they can't help themselves. And sometimes that's true.
Sometimes however they do things because they ONLY help themselves.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 25/12/2020 15:45

YABU for asking if you are being YABU. Of course you aren't.

Wheresmykimchi · 25/12/2020 15:45

@Cocomarine

So this year is important because it needs to be a success so I can justify hosting again IYSWIM.

Can I please pick you up on this OP, separate to the alcoholism and shitty behaviour.

You don’t need to justify anything.
You want Xmas at yours - have it at yours.
You want to invite your parents - invite them.
You don’t want to - don’t.

You don’t have to justify it, you don’t need to prove you can host Xmas by hosting a perfect one (your husband has pissed that up a wall for you now anyway, so just as well it doesn’t matter 🤨)

The best Xmas gift you’ll give yourself, is recognising that you don’t have to justify your Xmas plans to your shitty parents. Once you’ve accepted that you don’t have to take shit from them, you may find yourself less forgiving of your husband’s shit.

I’m sorry you’re facing this on Xmas Day... but it’s better dealt with in the long run.

Yes. This.
3rdNamechange · 25/12/2020 15:49

@BubblyBarbara

Where were you while he was getting this drunk? (Knowing that he has a bad reaction to alcohol.)
How is this relevant? Assuming he is a grown man with his own mind, it's not up to OP to oversee his drinking.
InTheLongGrass · 25/12/2020 16:02

Was he drinking beer? It contains barley, which coeliacs cant tolerate. It might not be just the alcohol that makes him so ill.
Hope you had a lovely Christmas with your family - and please note I still haven't set the table!!

PrincessBuggerPants · 25/12/2020 16:23

It sounds like he had 7 or 8 shots. Which while isn't sensible every day, isn't really that much. Less than a bottle of wine/4 pints. I agree he needs to see a doctor.

Also concerning is that your mum came over to yours and managed to demand certain criteria were reached regarding how the presents were going to be opened. These are unreasonable demands and you shouldn't have let her do this.

GabsAlot · 25/12/2020 16:35

but hes done it several times before does it matter where he is

hes got a problem

Salome61 · 25/12/2020 16:42

I hope the rest of the day has been nice for you :) I've just popped in and see you have mentioned your husband's weight - my very thin son used to get very ill when he drank. We discovered he has two enzymes missing from his liver, he cannot process alcohol or pain killers. It's called 'Gilbert's Syndrome' and isn't often diagnosed correctly.