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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be absolutely fuming

135 replies

DaenarysStormborn · 25/12/2020 07:20

It's out first year having Christmas in our own house. First Xmas married. First time cooking a turkey and generally organising Christmas Day. Got my family coming over as per restrictions...
My DH decided to spend Christmas Eve getting so drunk that he is currently throwing up really horrifically in the downstairs bathroom with alcohol poisoning. (He can't take his alcohol and ends up ill for days afterwards).

I'm so cross - I've spent ages preparing, teaching myself how to cook it all and was looking forward to enjoying the food etc...he will be throwing up all day and not be able to eat anything or help me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

EleanorRigbyWasReal · 25/12/2020 09:59

He’s a dick. First year married 🤦‍♀️

Whatayear1234 · 25/12/2020 10:01

I did this once when I was 18. I never did it again after realising I'd hurt my mums feelings.

Ignore him and try to enjoy your day. You can't host and 'look after' a hungover adult.
I hope you all enjoy the food you've prepared.

Quartz2208 · 25/12/2020 10:10

OP is he ok that height and weight puts him at at least a stone underweight and that kind of reaction to alcohol is toxic

It sounds like he has some disordered thinking relating to eating and drinking - is the drinking a form of purging?

thepeopleversuswork · 25/12/2020 10:12

WendyImHome

Trust me I've tried this "supporting them in their recovery". It doesn't work. Recovery from alcoholism has to come entirely from the alcoholic, you can't persuade or nag or bully someone to come to the realisation that they need to stop drinking.

Why should the OP sacrifice herself and her family to someone who is so in thrall to alcohol that he drinks himself into a poisoned stupor on Christmas Eve? By "supporting him in his recovery" she is just enabling him to carry on as he has been doing.

To have even a chance of persuading him to turn it around she has to leave him. And she should be working on the basis that she won't.

Sorry to be harsh but I was married to an alcoholic.

Thisseatisnotavailable · 25/12/2020 10:14

Make sure you leave all the cleaning up for him to do tomorrow, while you put your feet up and have a chance to relax.

madcatladyforever · 25/12/2020 10:23

Give him a bucket, shove him in a bedroom and tell him he's better not dare to come out.
My ex H did this ALL the time, was staggeringly drunk on every special occasion including my sisters wedding.
We are divorced, I don't want to be looking after a drunk on every family occasion we go to.
There is no excuse. He probably didn't want to do christmas and this was his escape route.

Flibbitygibbit · 25/12/2020 10:26

@BubblyBarbara

Where were you while he was getting this drunk? (Knowing that he has a bad reaction to alcohol.)

Well aren't you the bubbly one ? I'm suspecting you're a 14 year old boy actually 🤷‍♀️

Anyway op, enjoy the day and rethink Next Christmas!

alittleprivacy · 25/12/2020 10:32

Agree with many other posters here that as this is one occasion out of many, you should be seriously considering what you get out of this marriage. At a minimum you should tell him to get help or you'll leave him. But even at that, you need to consider that the latter is the most likely outcome as for an awful lot of alcoholics giving up without becoming addicted to another substance is impossible.

EggnogAndAMincepie · 25/12/2020 10:32

The last New Year's Day me and my ex husband were together he went out to the golf club for a round of golf and a 'few' drinks. Phoned me and asked if I fancied going out to a nice restaurant that night for my tea. I got showered and changed did my hair did my make up and ordered a taxi. Got to the restaurant he wasn't there. Ordered myself a drink and sat on my own in the corner. Rang him to see where he was and I could tell straight away he was rat arsed. Finally staggered into the restaurant over an hour later. Ordered another pint of lager and we went through to our table. Had our starters. We hadn't even got midway though our main when he fell asleep. I was livid everyone around us were sitting staring at us. I quickly finished mine off. Ordered a taxi paid for the food and walked out of the restaurant and went home by myself. Another time he asked me to pick him and someone else up from the golf club yet again. Didn't phone till gone 12:30 knowing I was working at 10am that morning. Told me he was just popping in to drop something off and say hello to someone. An hour an a half later he finally staggered out pissed out of his head again. It was winter and freezing cold and I didn't want to keep the engine running in case it woke someone up. Didn't have my phone on me and I couldn't just drive off and leave because I was taking him to his mum and dads to house sit and look after the dogs. Those 2 incidents plus the fact he got violent were the final straw for me.

Wheresmykimchi · 25/12/2020 10:43

@BubblyBarbara

Where were you while he was getting this drunk? (Knowing that he has a bad reaction to alcohol.)

Checking his homework , ironing his clothes and making chicken nuggets for his tea

hansgrueber · 25/12/2020 10:48

he will be throwing up all day and not be able to eat anything or help me.

Just heed my experience, the 'help' would be useless. Leave him to throw up and enjoy the peace of doing it yourself. My late OH once managed to crack his head open ducking in and out of the garage without pushing the door all the way up, he was taken up to hospital to be stitched up by younger daughter, older daughter and her family our visiting her in laws, it was bliss!!!!

Beautifulbonnie · 25/12/2020 10:56

Has he got actual alcohol poisoning?

Because if so he needs a dr. Without a doubt

Elouera · 25/12/2020 10:57

He is obvioulsy underweight, but you said his family have issues with alcohol too. Has he ever been checked for gilberts syndrome or any of the many others that mean you cannot break down alcohol? There are several medical disorders related to this, sme of which are genetic. More so in Asian backgrounds, but Gilberts affects caucasians and other races also.

Worth looking into if he has always had a very low tolerance to alcohol and such a long, dragged out reaction afterwards.

HermioneWeasley · 25/12/2020 11:00

What a useless sack of shit

I once started with a vomiting bug on Xmas eve and still did my part with Xmas prep.

LindaEllen · 25/12/2020 11:00

What an idiot.
My 17yo stepson did exactly this on my birthday this year. It was my 30th and between lockdowns in the summer so my family had planned an outdoor gathering for me. DP in the end couldn't come as DSS was throwing up continuously in the bathroom and then fell asleep and DP didn't want to leave him (which was fair enough). It ruined my day.
Pretend he's not there OP, and enjoy your day as best you can.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 25/12/2020 11:04

I'd worked out by my early 20s that the horrendous hangovers I go meant that drinking simply wasn't worth it. Your husband's reaction sounds several times worse than mine, but he still hasn't worked out at the age of 30 that maybe drinking more than a couple of glasses isn't a good idea? He needs to grow up in a big way.

NewlyGranny · 25/12/2020 11:16

I hope he's now securely tucked away upstairs. No way can he be chundering in the cloakroom your guests are using! He needs to know not to appear downstairs until he is ready to be the convivial, attentive host. Nobody want to see a haggard, moaning spectre at the feast; you aren't doing a Dickens themed event!

On no account lie or make excuses for him, dear OP. Tell it in three sentences; "He sat up drinking alone last night and he's made himself sick with the amount he had. No, we hadn't had an argument and he wasn't upset at all - he chose to behave that way and his suffering is self-inflicted. I've made sure he's safe and he'll take at least a day and a half to recover fully."

If they ask why he did it, only he has the answer and they won't get any coherent response from him today. If they ask whether it's happened before, be honest. If you cover up for him now they'll a) think he's got Covid and b) you'll be covering up for him forever.

Make the most of your day and make your NY resolution not to get pregnant by him until he has pulled his weight in 2021's round of birthdays and festivals. In other words, put him on probation as a partner. If he can't stay off the sauce when it really counts, he's not a keeper, sadly.

NewlyGranny · 25/12/2020 11:19

Linda Ellen, make sure you sit on your hands when stepson's 18th and other future celebrations involving him are being planned and set up.

What has he done to make amends since your party?

Original poster

DaenarysStormborn · 25/12/2020 11:26

He's still throwing up. Told him tough - my mum's refused to open presents without him...

He's dragging himself downstairs for presents with no sympathy - he may not make it for more than 10 minutes but oh well.

We've had a nice breakfast. He's very underweight. It's more that he can't put weight on no matter what he eats. I suspect he is a coeliac as his mum is...one of the things I need him to do in the new year is get a test.

He's not an alcoholic - I don't know what possessed him to drink last night - he's not gone overboard to that extent at home before. Usually I'm dragging him home from a friend's when this happens. He drank a third of a very nice bottle of 40% Hazelnut Rum.

OP posts:

Sewrainbow · 25/12/2020 11:35

I'd ignore him, no sympathy treatment, it may be stress or just that that sort of alcohol slips down so easy as it tastes nice and he didnt realise.

My dh did similar on our first hosting weekend with my family once we'd moved into together, not Christmas but it was my first time showing my parents how grown up I was having just moved in with him and out of the family home. My parents were not impressed, neither was I, but 21 years later we've got through plenty of bigger dramas since he's a great dad and dh. You never know you may laugh about it in years to come.

Talk to him about it when the guests have gone and he is sober. You're justifiably angry, it will always marr the first but try and enjoy today without him.

EKGEMS · 25/12/2020 11:35

@BubblyBarbara Yeah,direct the blame for his binge drinking on his wife and absolve him of any and all responsibility because we are all living in the 1950's! Nope, you might live in sexist and archaic stereotypes the rest of the real world doesn't

Fuckstickss · 25/12/2020 11:38

I know he's a dick, but haven't we all done similar? He's going to feel like an absolute twat tomorrow.

I'd be veering towards being kind. When I did this years ago we then had a 4hr drive to family, and oh my god it was terrible.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/12/2020 11:39

He's done this quite a few times before - usually 8 hours throwing up, 24 hours lying on the bathroom floor, another 12 in bed in order to recover
Both sets of parents have issues with alcohol ... also - he's 8.5 stone and 6 ft so quite underweight

Sounds like there's a LOT more going on here than just one drunken Christmas, but presumably that can wait for new year
Sorry, but I'm another who wouldn't have him with you, rushing off to vomit occasionally - apart from anything else not everyone enjoys the sounds and stinks, so for god's sake ask him to stay upstairs - and if DM "doesn't want to open presents without him" then she just wouldn't be opening presents

Good luck going forward with this, OP, because you're going to need it (and I wouldn't even think of having kids with him)

Chapellass · 25/12/2020 11:46

If he is coeliac and unwell with it, as weight might suggest, he could be quite intolerant to alcohol due to the state of his gut. Hopefully he can get tested soon.

I hope you manage to have a good day with the family

Kalula · 25/12/2020 11:53

Yes, as Puzzledandpissedoff has said, OP 'quite a few times before' some like quite a pattern of behaviour, whether it's at home or at a friend's house, what does it matter, he still has a very obvious drinking problem, and I say this gently but I think you are minimising it and are in denial. Twice would be the absolute end of it for me. That's twice too many. Let alone quite a few times. Having to 'dragging him home from friends' is what my mum had to do with dad. So humiliating for her, and myself. And she preferred him to do that at home rather than embarrass himself at a friend's place. Your DH might not be an alcoholic per se, but he is a binge drinker/alcohol abuser. There is no doubt about that by what you describe, and if you spoke to your GP about it, they will tell you he has a problem. My GP has said that (Binge Drinking) is often worse/does more damage than general alcoholism.

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