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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anybody else think they have nothing to open in the morning?

149 replies

Jimbellselmbath · 24/12/2020 23:52

I have sourced and purchased all presents on both sides of the family. Some are really well thought out and DH has a much bigger family than me.
We have 3 dc and a dog. I have wrapped them all and put them out, along with 10 or so presents I have bought for DH. Cheap things I think he would like along with 2 biggies that he has mentioned wanting recently.
He has put a card out for me. Not asked where the paper or sellotape is. There is money in there isn't there? Sad
I am not high maintenance at all, I would be happy with a chocolate and candle for under a tenner etc. (We're not skint) so the kids can see me opening something and being all chuffed with it but I'm. going to sit there like a lemon.
Christmas for me is about unwrapping things you know a person will love, no matter how cheap or expensive. And i fucking hate shopping, he loves it and buys himself something weekly.
I don't mean to seem ungrateful but I am already in knots over it as after a shite year I don't think it is too much to ask that I get to open something. A £1 box of matchmakers and a £3 Aldi candle would make my day, he knows I love both.
Argh I know I'm being precious, first world problems etc. but urgh fucking money, I feel like shoving it up his arse

OP posts:
coldwaterfeed · 25/12/2020 06:09

@Audreyseyebrows Sad I hope you didn’t get them anything either (bar kids)?

Singlenotsingle · 25/12/2020 06:11

My OH commented he didn't know what to get me. I said Pandora and he immediately ordered something online. No tedious shopping. That's probably what men don't like (the shopping) .. but TBH it wouldn't bother me if I didn't get anything. Having said that though, why are you doing all the shopping for his family???

And I agree with other posters, don't give him his presents unless and until he gives you yours. They would go back to the shop if nothing comes your way. Men!

Tanfastic · 25/12/2020 06:16

@Jimbellselmbath

I feel I need to say that i know that many families are in a shite situation especially this year. We have a friend who does homeless boxes and we made her a male female and dog box, the kids loved doing those. We also gave to the food bank and kids appeal. We as a family love giving, or so we thought.. as the first year we can't see family so no danger of presents there, I would've loved to have been considered for once.

I know some people don't eat etc but as I said, it's the thought of being considered and worthy. Bleurgh I still feel entitled. I can't articulate why i am so upset. 99.999% there is no present

You shouldn't feel entitled, anyone saying your being ungrateful ignore. Everyone's situation is different.

Personally I'd be pissed off but I think it's down to communication. When I first met my dh I remember having a convo with him about this kind of stuff and that's why it's always been great going forwards.
To me it just looks like he can't be arsed. I wouldn't be putting in as much effort next time.

Oh and for what it's worth my dh always asks where the paper is too as I always buy tons and am prob the first to start wrapping so I don't think k this means you are married to a man child which is what I has been implied.

gamerchick · 25/12/2020 06:16

You do have something to open OP. The presents you've bought and wrapped for his family.

Seriously, why are you surprised when he gets away with doing so little?

Pinkyandthebrainz · 25/12/2020 06:17

Mumsnet amazes and depresses me every year at how many women's husbands/partners and children (of a reasonable age, teens is old enough to go to the shops and buy a box of chocs or a candle!!) don't get them anything.

Something is seriously wrong with the lack of thought, care and respect. Wait for tomorrow, the threads will pour out. It's the same ever year including birthdays, Mother's Day etc.

Make it known how hurt you are! I'd have their arses handed to all of them on a plate.

Jeremyironseverything · 25/12/2020 06:28

It's the lack of thought. My dh didn't make much effort one year on behalf of our young kids, for mothers day, yet bought his own mother stuff. Put it this way, he's been very good at buying presents for me on all occasions since then. I was very vocal about how I felt.

Sometimes you have to be explicit.

Shoxfordian · 25/12/2020 06:39

Does he ever get you a birthday present? Its amazing the number of posters who think this is something you should need to sit down and explain to him. Unless he’s some kind of alien then he knows it is Christmas therefore he should buy you a present.

This lack of effort would actually make me think about divorce. Anyway Happy Christmas, hope I'm wrong and he’s surprised you with something amazing

ChasingRainbows19 · 25/12/2020 06:39

A sit down chat is needed after Christmas and explain how you feel. How come he has opted out of Christmas? Does he help do any of the prep?

We aren’t married or have kids but my partner manages perfectly fine to buy gifts and wrap them. I don’t understand why it’s only the woman’s job in some people’s household ( unless they totatally love it and take ownership)

sparticuscaticus · 25/12/2020 06:45

It's the lack of thought

You're right you have made all the effort. So stop

Tell him you are disappointed he couldn't even bother to pick a present out foe you. And that you expect presents and tell everyone his side and your DH that from now on, he does ALL present shopping for his side of the family and remind him he does shopping of gifts (from him dogs and your DC) for you! Stop making it "wife work". He's an adult.

It drove me mad when my ex H did this. I walked out one birthday and left him with DC to do dinner and put them to bed when I got given money again for my birthday (ummm taken from joint account..) - to go purchase myself lovely boots from m&S that day and stopped being the martyr. He got cash - same cash- for his birthday next time. It was so lovely not to have to buy his large family's presents anymore. It saved me loads of time and angst. Guesss what? They got shit items, wrong sizes or things they already had, or no presents and I made it obvious I wasn't involved -" oh talk to (now X)H as he's ok charge of your presents from now on as he's your Dbro/DS ..." when I got sent suggestions . After a few stressful years (for him!) he persuaded everyone to do Amazon gift lists and then eventually he persuaded them to do secret Santa buy one gift for one person only each because he realised the effort and cost (!) and he was far too busy... Hmm

rookgizzardpie · 25/12/2020 06:50

so thoughtless. Also I find it ridiculous that someone that lives in the same house as you would have to ask where the sellotape is kept- was this a joke?

PinkPurpleFlowers · 25/12/2020 06:56

I’ve bought loads of stuff too, I’ve been bought a bottle of perfume, I asked him to get me, nothing else, at all.

He moaned when I asked him to wrap, two large boxes.

Was he meant to spend Christmas Eve like this ?

I’d wrapped the whole day, bought everything, and sent everything else, for everyone.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 25/12/2020 06:57

If this is about combining religious holidays and not just the the op’s dh is an arse, then there is a lovely episode of Mr Christmas 🎄 on Netflix that combines both Jewish and Christian Christmases. It’s a lovely episode.

If it were me I’d sneak down and remove all his presents. Why should he get them when you don’t ? If he asks just say oh where are mine ? You can always get one if he has got you a gift. You can save them for his birthday

VulvaPerson · 25/12/2020 07:00

I know I have nothing, but we never buy for adults, even each other (honestly, seems a bit of a waste for us personally, but we will in the next few months book a night away or something instead of presents for xmas/birthdays). Only gift I will have will be a little something from my parents I expect but won't be seeing them today.

Got cards (and a peppermint) off kids from school though, which were lovely, though DD ripped the one DS gave me as she was in a strop last week as I said screentime was over Hmm So that was nice.

AliceAbsolum · 25/12/2020 07:02

Let us know op x

Chickydoo · 25/12/2020 07:07

Merry Christmas OP
Try not to be too upset today. If your DP does give you cash, make sure you treat yourself to something gorgeous.

VulvaPerson · 25/12/2020 07:11

Sorry if my reply came off insensitive, just reading it back and it was quite shitty of me to say that. Just because it works for us, doesn't mean it works for you, and with how upset you are, it clearly does NOT work for you, nor do you have any sort of 'arrangement' if you will, to say its fine. I don't know what to suggest, but I would be stopping buying for him until he thinks about you too, and doing all the present shopping also if you dislike it, no reason for it all to fall on you.

User24689 · 25/12/2020 07:11

Feel for you OP. I've done everything too. I sourced and wrapped my own present from DH and then the other day he went on a secret mission to town insinuating that he needed to get me something himself. Got up this morning and there is a present under the tree and without opening it I know it is a Toblerone. Don't even like Toblerone.

He also didn't take the meat out of the freezer which was literally his only job.

My 5 and 3 year Olds have just opened their stockings and the 5 year old seems underwhelmed. I just want to cry. I was up with the 3 year old hourly all night long too.

Just want you to know you're not alone. Something has to change for me for next year and honestly I think it's that we aren't together next Christmas.

MsTSwift · 25/12/2020 07:11

Hope it turns out ok op. I have the opposite problem dh has done me a stocking! I have got him lovely presents but not a stocking. Oops. Looks like Father Christmas had female only policy in our house this year...

ReallySpicyCurry · 25/12/2020 07:13

I'd take every one of his presents out from under the tree and return them
I'd tell him I was doing it, too
Unless there's a hidden present or an extremely exciting voucher in that envelope then he's a lazy selfish arse

damnthemanatee · 25/12/2020 07:15

You have two choices. Well three if he's an arsehole in other ways.

Either you stop buying for him and give him nothing or some cash in an envelope.

Or you have a very clear conversation after Christmas (don't do it Christmas Day) and tell him what your expectations are. If you really think he needs it, say that you'll be doing a list every year from now on, and he's welcome to do the same if he wants. Then he can pick from your list. If he still doesn't bother after that I would probably lose my shit at him.

Option 2 would be preferable for me as with 1 you're still not getting anything and will probably make yourself feel guilty.

I wouldn't give him 10 presents this year though if there's fuck all for you.
What a cock.

Cakeonthefloor · 25/12/2020 07:22

After years of hit and miss present buying, my DH and I agree on what we will buy together instead of gifts. This year it will be a clock, last year patio furniture. Nothing to unwrap but less stressful.

midnightstar66 · 25/12/2020 07:52

Could it be a spa voucher or experience day or something? - fair choice if you've stopped using the things he normally buys. Intrigued now seeing the envelope has gone missing. Maybe better to communicate in future bough. Let him know it means a lot to have something to open.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 25/12/2020 07:54

@MrsBrunch

Not asked where the paper or sellotape is

Christ how can you be with a man who has to ask where things are in his own house. What's the point in him anyway?

DH asked where the paper and sellotape was because I’d cleared them away. Had he cleared them away, I’d have asked him where they were. Any spare wrapping paper is put away with the Christmas decoration after Christmas but until then it doesn’t have a permanent home, so just gets moved to various locations in the house where we think it will be less clutter.

DH asked where the paper was as he wanted to finish wrapping my presents, not just from him but also from my mum and his mum that they’ve sent me.

OP, that’s really shit if he’s not got you a present. I’m similar to you in that I don’t really do big presents and I’d prefer something I’d use. DH has got me chocolates, which I know most people would consider a crap gift, but we’ve not set a big budget for each other this year and it’s something I’d enjoy. I think even if your DH doesn’t like shopping, it’s a poor excuse as most people have been getting stuff online this year. It’s not quite the same but it was my 30th just before lockdown. We were meant to be having a big trip, DH was going to buy tickets to an excursion when we were away, I’d asked for cash from family so I could have some excursions and treatments in the spa. So I didn’t have any presents on my 30th and even though I thought I’d be getting a holiday in May, it still felt flat. Then obviously the holiday got cancelled anyway...

If he has got you nothing, don’t sit on it. Tell him you’re upset and that you’d like more effort next year(or your birthday).

Mulberry974 · 25/12/2020 08:07

Really hope he has put the effort in OP. Merry Christmas 🎅

gumball37 · 25/12/2020 08:26

I'm a single mom with no adult family, do there is no one to give me anything. So I buy some stuff for myself (and when I'm smart, I buy early and wrap it right away because there's a good chance I'll forget what it is 🤣) so I have things to open too

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