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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be annoyed with this.

131 replies

Rudolph98 · 24/12/2020 13:55

Oh took kids over to see in laws to have a run around the garden and do gifts. We can meet in groups or 6 outside here. I’ll probably be told I’m being unreasonable or petty.

DS had one largeish gift that was awkward to wrap so it was unwrapped.

Dd had a pile of wrapped presents. Maybe 7 gifts.

Monetary value it was probably similar. DS gift was probably quite expensive.

So she probably spent similar amounts.

But DS has additional needs and doesn’t really understand the value of things money wise. He sees the value of things in quantity which isn’t ideal. He compared his one gift to a pile of presents Dd had.

He hasn’t really said much but said he didn’t have any presents to open just the unwrapped one.

Aibu to think this is a bit naughty?! And she could have bought him something to unwrap. He’d be happy with anything. Selection boxes, items from the pound shop etc. He just wanted something to
open.

He is only 8 and young for his age. If he was older he may understand. Also mil isn’t his biological grandmother but usually treats him as good as her own. Dd is her only bio grandchild.

Aibu to be annoyed? It’s too late to say anything. They will have plenty tomorrow just feel it’s a bit pants.

I know it’s often easier to buy little bits for girls. DS is hard to shop for. But he would have been happy with anything as above.

OP posts:
heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping · 24/12/2020 14:54

don't forget that Christmas is on you really, you can expect any other family member to guarantee your kids Christmas. So your child might have a bit of disappointment, but it's not taking anything of his actual "Christmas"

ConcreteUnderpants · 24/12/2020 14:55

YABU

LH1987 · 24/12/2020 14:57

I can see why you are upset, because your child is upset and that is difficult to deal with. However, your MIL spent about the same on the two and didn’t seemingly favour your DD. She clearly didn’t mean to upset DS and probably thought she got him a great gift.

I think you need to take a step back and look at the whole situation.

Maybe next year you could gently have a conversation with her and make it clear that while you and the kids are really grateful, your DS doesn’t understand the cost of items etc.

buckeejit · 24/12/2020 14:57

yabu but I can understand you being upset. Put it out of your mind and make a reminder to remind her before next Christmas about his additional needs & value of wrapping over gifts. You shouldn't have to but you clearly do.

Scottishskifun · 24/12/2020 14:58

Given his additional needs no I don't think your being unreasonable they should have wrapped it up or a token wrapped up thing.

Your not going to solve it today though so if it was me I would find something in the house that I could wrap (in a different wrapping paper then you have used or using the wrapping paper from their present to you), and say either today or tomorrow morning oh look nanny mixed up your gift with one of ours here you go.....

Then I would always have something on standby in case of a repeat.
Yes it's not ideal but will help your son and cheer him up that he's not been left out

AliceMcK · 24/12/2020 14:58

Yabvu she is treating him exactly the same as your dd. How would you feel if she got him 7 presents for 50p -£1 each instead of 1 expensive gift, I’m sure you would be complaining then.

Be grateful you have a MIL that includes and treats your son as her own grandchild and and who buys your children gifts.

OmarListening · 24/12/2020 15:00

Be grateful you have a MIL that includes and treats your son as her own grandchild and and who buys your children gifts.

I agree with this.

Lovemusic33 · 24/12/2020 15:01

Op, I have a dd with SN’s too who loves opening presents, she would have been disappointed too if she was given a gift unwrapped whilst her sibling had several wrapped presents, my dd doesn’t understand how much things cost and it’s more quantity over quality. I can see why you are disappointed but I have learnt over the years that no one understands my kids like I do, no one thinks about their sn’s and how things may need to be different. So I don’t think you can really blame he as such, people just don’t think.

jessstan1 · 24/12/2020 15:01

This illustrates why it is sometimes better for grandparents to give money to the parents to buy gifts for their grandchildren. I think it could have been wrapped, quite honestly but, hey ho, it wasn't. Your daughter's gifts could have been put in a box and wrapped so it looked like they both had 'a gift'; however, next year granny, if you are reading, give mum and dad the cash beforehand, it's easier.

I'm sure they couldn't win whatever they had done and probably thought they'd done their best. At least they saw the kids unwrap (or in one case, not unwrap but presumably, undo), their gifts.

Tomorrow is another day with plenty more presents and today will fade.

Bluntness100 · 24/12/2020 15:02

You can’t do this op, act entitled on your child’s behalf. You need to attempt to take the discussion with him and explain it to him, that his present is very special it costs lots of money, ans is a very special present jist for him and that’s why there is just one.

Your posts saying he’s not said much indicates you’ve not even attempted to have the discussion with him? Just sitting being annoyed and deciding it’s hard?

Also if you know this, why not speak to them in advance about presents, say don’t buy anything expensive, he doesn’t understand so it’s quantity for him.

pinkdragons · 24/12/2020 15:05

YABU.
Unless you had specifically explained that he finds XYZ really difficult, although even if you had I don't think she's wrong at all. Other people can't be expected to keep up to date with every specific requirement.

IAmAMalenkyBitPoogly · 24/12/2020 15:07

I wonder how many people are ignoring your DS having SN - or perhaps they don't fully understand it?

IME anyway, having a DC with learning delays or an "understanding age" (worded badly sorry, I'm tired) lower than their biological age doesn't mean you can just treat them that age - eg a DS who is 9 but has the "understanding age" of a 6 year old can't simply be treated like an NT 6 year old and given a "teachable moment" from things like this. Their understanding of it is delayed as their learning is delayed - it takes longer, obviously to "catch up". Everything takes longer (IME anyway) You can't just rely on a moment like this to teach them how to develop their appreciation of the value of gifts etc.

You just have to be more careful. Eg my DC would need a number of moments like this to "get it" - that one gift can be equal to five gifts. Moments like unveiling Christmas presents aren't really the opportunity and you don't always know what your DC doesn't know - until you do, if that makes sense. Stuff just takes longer for them to understand and it's not BU to be disappointed in situations like this.

So OP I don't think you are BU to feel a bit sad for your DC, but you would BU to "blame" MIL as she may not fully understand the above. I think you're getting a harder time on this thread than you should though.

I've probably explained all that really badly, sorry if so. I think some people in similar situations might understand?

MsPeachh · 24/12/2020 15:07

Interesting that we still haven’t been told what DS’s present was!

WotWouldCJDo · 24/12/2020 15:10

This is her only grandchild, so I think it's reasonable for her to be a little extravagant. She's also done the right thing in ensuring the other child present got a gift. Sure, you feel it would have been better if she'd got something smaller/easier to wrap, but you acknowledge that it wasn't anything cheap or inappropriate.

Anothertiredmother · 24/12/2020 15:13

At least they bought your DC something. My DH went around his mothers earlier to drop off her card and present and she hasn’t given a present to either of her GC or to my DH tight old cow. And DHs dad can’t be bothered either - he put £20 into our joint account for each child a few weeks ago and didn’t tell us until weeks later. Zero effort. They don’t care.

IAmAMalenkyBitPoogly · 24/12/2020 15:13

Also, I don't like people giving you a bit of a kicking @Rudolph98 eg you're entitled as people don't always get it.

Show me a parent that doesn't feel sad when their young DC is sad anyway and I'll show you a liar Wink and with DC with SN it can be more painful as it's a "reminder" they are young for their age and not the same as their peers.

The mistake is posting about it in AIBU as you'll feel fucking worse Grin

I'm off to wrap a jar of Nutella for all the reasons given above. Christmas is a shit time to "learn useful lessons" and we do it gently. It might be uneven eg one DC has 5 gifts, 1 has 4 or 3, so they start to "get it" but it wouldn't be 5 v 1 and unwrapped at that.

PS I just had the genius idea (as it's Nutella) as using tinfoil instead of wrapping paper, how much easier would life be?!

Twistered · 24/12/2020 15:15

. Be grateful you have a MIL that includes and treats your son as her own grandchild and and who buys your children gifts.

100%

Yabu

Heartlantern2 · 24/12/2020 15:17

I understand what your saying because you are looking at it from a parents point of view and feeling sidelined for your son.

Yabu though, it’s time to explain that as he is older so his gifts will start to be different as he moves out of toys and into real guitars or proper remote control cars and heaven forbid technology...that stuff is really expensive!

IamMariahScarey · 24/12/2020 15:17

@StrippedFridge

YABU. Most people consider one good present to be better than lots of tat. If your DS would have massively preferred the crap option of lots of tat you should have told MIL well in advance.

You absolutely should not say anything to MIL. She has done nothing wrong.

You should say something to DS. It is important for him to thank her and not be a sulky brat.

I can not believe you have called a little boy with additional needs a sulky brat!!!! Disgusting as a grown adult to even think that way.
xmasfairybuns · 24/12/2020 15:17

YABU, I'd just be glad to have a gift this year whether it's wrapped or not.

Your DS would probably be happier with a wrapped gift and I wouldn't say that he was being unreasonable to wish it'd been wrapped up but adults can just deal with it.

Zilla1 · 24/12/2020 15:18

I can see that would be upsetting OP and I know parents who care feel such things on behalf of their children though it sounds like they made an effort with buying the presents. I know it's difficult to explain to an 5/6 year old but could you try and repeat the messages 'who got the biggest present?', 'would you have wanted clothes for Christmas (DD got three outfits)? and ' isn't it nice the wider family bought presents for you and DD'.

Good luck.

toocold54 · 24/12/2020 15:19

And his present wasn’t even wrapped. I think that’s what bugged me more. He loves opening gifts. But it wasn’t wrapped at all.

Can you say what his gift was?

If it was something like a bike then it is hard to wrap and it is obvious it’s a big present.
Whereas if it’s a toy truck in a box it would be easy to wrap but bit obvious to a child that it is the same value as DDs.

I always buy one or two pound shop toys to open for all the children in my family because that is part of the fun and they don’t know about money enough to understand.

IamMariahScarey · 24/12/2020 15:20

Hi OP, I’m on the fence here.

YABU- because your MIL hasn’t done anything wrong, if possible your son needs this situation explained better to him.

YANBU- because your son has additional needs and doesn’t understand the situation. There’s no need for grown adults to be so rude about a little boy.

emmathedilemma · 24/12/2020 15:22

At that age, learning difficulties or not, I'd always buy siblings something that looked like they had similar. I definitely wouldn't buy one a number of small things and the other one big thing even if it came to the same value.

Thinkingg · 24/12/2020 15:23

I'm afraid it's a bit much to expect other people to think of this. She was kind to give nice gifts, its a shame about the wrapping.

I remember lots of pep-talks from my parents about this kind of thing - as my brother being younger would get big toys, and I'd get things that were smaller but would still have cost as much.