To not love my parents and be jealous of people missing theirs

[ifitcouldbe]

Growing up my parents were very traditional, old fashioned in their ways. Children should be seen and not heard type thing, stiff upper lip and no affection, no saying I love you or proud of you.

My Dad was very much the father going out to work, we mustn't disturb him after work. My Mum stayed home and did cooking and cleaning. She as she will admit never played with us or did homework as she was obviously depressed. We didn't do very well at school, not naughty just struggled and that mad my Dad cross. They issued physical punishment, smacking hitting mainly from my Dad, but I did ask my mum why she let him and she said she had no choice. I'm 40 now although my parents had me their oldest child at 30.

I have a younger sibling , which they were a bit more lenient on, but second child is treated differently generally, but he is a very different personality, could just be girl / boys differences.

I'm some ways I am now very independent from my upbringing, but I did struggle as a teen keep going back "home" after moving out young, as I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't change. A bit like not wanting to leave your abusers I suppose as it's all you know.

I now struggle with giving the love /affection thing and have personal space issues even with my young children, who I adore. I just don't feel anything for my parents.

Lockdown has been great and I haven't had to be obliged to see my parents. I'm so jealous of people missing their families. My Dad is very much family is the only thing that matters, but it's a joke the wider family couldn't care less about anyone but themselves and my parents haven't been in anyway kind. I have tried to view it as they did the best they could manage with what they know , but I struggle with that.

Anyone else feel the same? It's almost shameful with people missing their families this Christmas 😔

Got no advice I'm sorry, but don't be hard on yourself. Your parents were cold and distant and you have every right to not give a fluff about them.

Also, remember that not everyone's relationship with their parents is as fine and dandy as you may think.

Do you have kids? If so, just be the best parent you can. The type yours should have been.

Look after yourself @ifitcouldbe

Op I don’t think you should feel ashamed in any way. It was as it was and you are totally entitled to your feelings!

I have a close family member in a similar position. Actually he never sees his parents at Xmas but all this focus on people missing parents when he doesn’t at all has just made him feel much worse.

Please dont feel ashamed. Theres no 'should' when it comes to feelings. I havent seen my parents for over a year and honestly dont miss them at all. Its totally understandable to feel envious of people who have close, loving or even just pleasant relationships with their parents. You still need your parents attention and affection even when you're grown up. This time of year is always the most painful I find. Please know that you're not alone and that other people understand x

Hugs OP I'm not particularly close with my mum or step dad (parents divorced when I was young and never really had a relationship with my dad).

I really struggle to empathise with people being upset at not being able to see their parents/relatives this Christmas. I don't get it at all because I'm not close with my family and live in a completely different country to them now anyway.

Op, the truth is parents are just people who have children and sometimes we understand and get on with our children and sometimes we don't.

Sometimes some people can still make that work and others can't. My dh parents, I think are peculiar, they don't seem to be able to make any conversation with with their son, chat, ask him about what he is doing.... He doesn't miss them... Because there is nothing to miss. No warmth, kindness... Emotional support...

I get it, OP. I struggle with this too. I don’t like my parents and I had a difficult childhood. However I am an only child and I’m my mum’s emotional crutch. I hate it but otherwise she is alone. My children would be really upset if we didn’t see her as they have a good relationship with her. My dad and his wife make zero effort and only care about themselves so we only see them twice a year at most. I might feel differently when they’re no longer here I suppose but I don’t feel much for them beyond irritation. Then I think I might be the problem because that sounds so cold. I adore my husband and children and have tried my hardest to have my own happy family because it’s all I ever wanted as a child. I think more people feel like this than you realise.

I feel the same op. My parents sound similar to yours. They laid down no roots, there was no sense of family or being together. My dad died in 2016 and, as awful as it sounds, I wasn’t that bothered - it was more like a distant uncle had died tbh. I haven’t missed my mum during lockdown.

I completely understand how you feel. I have no relationship with my parents. My dad died when I was a teenager (though he was a bit of a jerk when he was still alive, we were never close) and though I once had a good relationship with my mum, it's only been as an adult that I've seen it for being as dysfunctional as it was. Then my mum went and married her now husband (who has a history of convictions for child sex offences) and just through her whole family away for him. It's sad. I can't quite imagine what it must be like to have a happy loving family at Christmas (I mean in the sense of as an adult child with older parents). I'm lucky that I have dh and my own dc who are all wonderful and lovely. But it doesn't fill the hole where my birth family should be. No siblings or aunts/uncles/cousins either. I've come to accept that it's part of a grieving process. I won't have the mum that I wanted to have. I can't do anything about that. It's just how it is. But not everyone gets what they want and I'm grieving it and able to focus on the things I am fortunate to have (dh and dcs). But it is like a death. Therapy has helped a lot.

I feel a bit like you OP. My parents only really got their act together when my siblings and I were adults. Our childhood was tough and our parents were very emotionally distant. As a result I have something of a relationship with them but I'm not sure how deep it goes. I don't miss them when I don't see them put it that way.

I've been amazed by the levels of heartbreak from people who desperately miss their parents - I just didn't realise so many people had such good close relationships.

I sometimes wonder how I will feel when they die. If DH dies before me I will be absolutely devastated. If DD died I'm not sure I could go on.

Do you have kids? If so, just be the best parent you can. The type yours should have been.

This. If you can spare your children from anything that blighted your own childhood, then do so.

I get this, OP. My childhood was abusive; my DSis and I were sexually abused by our F for most of our childhood. He’s been dead for nearly 23 years. My DM didn’t know, but this is really because she was emotionally distant from us and also a workaholic. I’ve no doubt that she loved us in her own way, and she was devastated when we told her what had happened to us in the past.

But it means that I honestly haven’t missed her, because we didn’t see her all that often pre-Covid anyway. I feel for her, as she’s on her own, but that can’t change the way I feel. (I do stay in touch with her via WhatsApp, though.)

I really do miss my DSis and DBIL and my DNiece and DNephews, though, and I know my DDs miss them, too. They don’t really miss their DGM, though, because they’re not close to her. I think it’s because she isn’t capable of forming close attachments. (This is probably because she was orphaned at 10 and then sexually abused by her uncle who was her guardian.)

I sometimes envy my DH, who has a close relationship with his mum. (His dad died in a car accident many years ago, and he was close to him, too.)

Sorry OP I don't have a situation like yours but I'm definitely not close to my parents at all and I feel very jealous of people who can always ring their mum day or night for support.

Mine, especially my mum were just more distant once I was in secondary and more independent they kind of just did their own thing and weren't there most evenings and we lost that closeness. I ended up developing a mild eating disorder and trying to find that close bond through boyfriends (come to think of it I'm lucky all my boyfriends were nice people - could have been worse!).

I definitely think it's a good thing you felt happier during lockdown - maybe it's time to start establishing some boundaries even after restrictions are lifted.

It’s much more common than you might think

I get it op, it's ok to feel sad about it

I feel the same about mine, everything is drama when it involves them. I'm drained after interaction with them. To make matters worse my mum is only cold towards me, she's incredibly close with my sister (who I don't get along with), they are incredibly unkind, bitchy and judgemental people.

I've always been "trouble" for not wanting to join in verbally tearing loved ones/friends apart and having my own opinions.

I received a message from both parents last year slating me, calling me pathetic and unbelievable for dropping off my mums Mother's Day card in the evening. (Due to working in the day). At the time I had a poorly 2 year old that didn't sleep (days before a big operation), stressed about my child's upcoming surgery, a 5 month old still breastfeeding through the night and working part time as money was tight. Every year up until that point I'd been excluded from Mother's Day plans anyway but apparently that Mother's Day was different.

I'm thankful that I have lovely PIL and I realise how fucked up my relationship with my mother is when I realise that they are the people I go to when I'm happy or proud of an achievement, when I'm sad and struggling or when I need some advice with how to handle situations with my dcs.

It is nothing but unconditional love from PIL, whereas my parents is 100% conditional.

I don't think it will ever get easier.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. X

I understand OP
My parents were neglectful and I really struggle with anything emotionally to do with them. You are entitled to feel how you feel

Do you have in-laws? Would you be able to foster close loving relations with them as a way of experiencing some of what you have missed out on?

Thank you for sharing! I don't have a relationship with either parents and it does leave a hole. I hope people realise how lucky they are to have a family at Christmas

@ifitcouldbe - you aren’t alone. My relationship with my mum is not good - she did the sum total of fuck all when I was bullied from the age of 10 until 16, and always favoured my younger sister. She now lives just 10 minutes drive from my sister, and dsis is happy to look after her. I live hundreds of miles away and rarely see my mum - and I am happy with this state of affairs.

I reckon I am as good a daughter as she was a mother.

I do love my parents, but we're not close and I don't really miss them. They've never been an emotional support to me, more the opposite, and I generally see them once a year max anyway. I miss my ILs more. So I do get how you feel. Mostly what I learned from them was never to share what was happening in my life or anything I felt bad about, because they made it worse. Surface shiny only. It makes me sad.

Of course it’s not unreasonable. You can’t help how your parents are or that that’s caused you not to be close to them. I’m very close to my mum and dad and we live near each other so I and the children have missed them a great deal. We are lucky we were able to see them lots over the summer while the rules were more relaxed. I can’t wait to see them again and I do miss hugging them (though not as much as the kids do. I’ve cried a few times over how much the kids miss having them pick up from school and play with them). I can’t imagine not having that relationship with them and can fully understand why it must be really hard if you don’t

Don't feel bad, I haven't seen or spoken to my parents in years. I don't love them and they don't love me. I'm not a bad person and I have nothing to be ashamed of, neither do you.

You are absolutely not unreasonable, @ifitcouldbe. My parents were exactly the same, and the boy of the family did seem to have an easier (though no less messed up) time of it.

One of my parents died this year. I cried once, and that was out sadness for myself. No sense of closure and a deep sadness of knowing that my chance of being loved and cared for properly by a parent had literally died. I cried for what I never had, not for the loss of a parent. Possibly makes me awful to some, but honestly I don't care anymore. You don't realise how badly it affects you until it hits you just how lonely the world is when you don't have loving parents.

I feel the same, I never had much support from my parents, they used to go away every weekend to their chalet from the time I was 14 leaving me to fend for myself. Even my 18th and 21st birthdays they chose to go away and leave me on my own. When I split from my ex husband they offered no support, the first Christmas after the split I went to a friend’s for the day as they went on holiday abroad. My father was more demonstrative than my mother but he only hugged me occasionally. I can’t remember either of them telling me they loved me. My father died a few years back, I haven’t seen my mother since March and haven’t missed her at all. I miss my father more than my mother.

My parents were similar to yours. I was never told I did well, they were proud of me or that they loved me.
They divorced when I was in my early teens and mother left me and my brother with our Dad.
She started a fantastic new child free life and that pretty much kiboshed our relationship.
My Dad wasn't a particularly nice bloke though he's mellowed a bit over the years.
I had my own kids and I think (hope!) I've been a better parent. We are close and get on great....so great I can't see them moving out any time soon.

I've not seen my mother in 10 years and I see my Dad more out of duty than want.
Both parents are now elderly and extremely unwell..... I have no wish to make amends with my mother and she lives 100 miles away now so not much I can do practically.
My Dad is not so far away and being on call 24/7 has been hard. He shows no gratitude for all that I do and is just rude and grumpy.

I am grateful not to have to spend extended periods of time with either of them. Instead I spend my time with people who love and appreciate me, and vice versa.