To not love my parents and be jealous of people missing theirs

[ifitcouldbe]

Growing up my parents were very traditional, old fashioned in their ways. Children should be seen and not heard type thing, stiff upper lip and no affection, no saying I love you or proud of you.

My Dad was very much the father going out to work, we mustn't disturb him after work. My Mum stayed home and did cooking and cleaning. She as she will admit never played with us or did homework as she was obviously depressed. We didn't do very well at school, not naughty just struggled and that mad my Dad cross. They issued physical punishment, smacking hitting mainly from my Dad, but I did ask my mum why she let him and she said she had no choice. I'm 40 now although my parents had me their oldest child at 30.

I have a younger sibling , which they were a bit more lenient on, but second child is treated differently generally, but he is a very different personality, could just be girl / boys differences.

I'm some ways I am now very independent from my upbringing, but I did struggle as a teen keep going back "home" after moving out young, as I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't change. A bit like not wanting to leave your abusers I suppose as it's all you know.

I now struggle with giving the love /affection thing and have personal space issues even with my young children, who I adore. I just don't feel anything for my parents.

Lockdown has been great and I haven't had to be obliged to see my parents. I'm so jealous of people missing their families. My Dad is very much family is the only thing that matters, but it's a joke the wider family couldn't care less about anyone but themselves and my parents haven't been in anyway kind. I have tried to view it as they did the best they could manage with what they know , but I struggle with that.

Anyone else feel the same? It's almost shameful with people missing their families this Christmas 😔

Yep, I have been thinking about this a lot. I last had any contact with my mother before the pandemic. She has not made any contact at all, either by phone or letter, even just to see how we are. I do not have her phone number as she changed it and never gave it to me. But she visits, babysits and texts my young step sibling all the time. She has never babysat my children who are now grown up. I sent her a Christmas card but have never had one back. My dad left when I was a toddler. He did visit but we never really had any relationship. He just took pleasure in teasing and tormenting me. I do not know him really and I have to admit that I do not love him.

Last time I saw my mother was on my last birthday which was a really significant one, she just did her tinkly laugh and said "I did not realise how old you were!" well if you don't then who the fuck would

She is no great loss from my life, couldnt care if I never saw her again.

Definitely get this OP.

It's weird, on the one hand I feel that for the first time having no meaningful relationship with my parents has been a benefit, as there's no heartbreak about missing family or any change in plans.

On the other hand it does bring home, again, what you don't have, when you see so many people experiencing emotions I'll never feel.

Very interesting thread and it's reminded me that on the flip side we have men who have very similar non existing relationships with their dp, have children and suddenly it's their partners who bridge the gap posters talk about here for the gc sake only be to met with heart ache and pain!.

You are definitely not alone OP. My parents were very distant. They never told me that they loved me or hugged me. I'm at peace with it now as I've reflected a lot over the years and have realised that they did love me in their own way but just didn't know how to show it; they both had very difficult childhoods themselves so had no model of good parenting to work from.

It didn't make things any easier for me though and growing up I went through a huge amount of angst wondering why they didn't love me. I remember going to a friend's house when I was about 8 and seeing her mum being affectionate and calling her 'love' and being very confused as to why my mum didn't do that.

As I grew up my parents were the absolute last people I would go to if I had a problem with anything, especially if it was an emotional one. I still find it hard to ask for help from anyone even if it would make things easier for me. I would spend ages choosing Mother's and Father's Day cards that didn't mention the word 'love' in the greeting.

When they died a few years ago I had already been through the grieving process in a sense. I don't miss them because I've had years of doing everything for myself already. Lockdown has been fine for me because I'm with DH and the DCs and they're the people I feel close to. I don't feel the need to hug anyone else.

The other day DS and I were doing that thing where you say 'You're the best mum in the world' and reply 'You're the best son in the world' and he asked if I had said that to my mum. I didn't really know what to say back.

I've taken comfort in the fact I learnt how important it is to make sure my DCs know they're loved so at least I can get that bit of parenting right.

OP there are lots of us in your situation and I really hope this thread has made you realise that you are not on your own. My dad is dead and that was a huge relief and covid has meant I have been able to extracate myself from a lot of my mum's awful behaviour. I'm quite honest with my friends about my upbringing and my lack of love for my parents. I was quite surprised that I turned out not to be the only person who felt like this. Most importantly I have broken the horrible legacy of my upbringing and I am married to a lovely man and have two great kids who get told every day how much I love them. I'd love to have had that with my parents and it's OK to be sad that I didn't. I'm not jealous of those who do /did because I know my kids are now part of that sort of family.

It's not shameful. One of the big lessons in life is to respect your own feelings. Feelings aren't shameful, and you're allowed to have any feelings you like. It's the way you respond to them, your actions, that can bring shame into the equation. So, even if you hated someone and felt you wanted to gouge their eyes out with a spoon, as long as you treated them with adequate respect... no shame. In fact, pride, instead, because you've had the strength to stop your feelings from being damaging to anybody.

You feel what you feel about them because of the way they behaved towards you. And that's ok.

The rules are that you maintain your boundaries according to your feelings, and you do so with respect where it's due.

I dread my parents dying and having to make a speech at their funeral. My parents live in a world of platitudes but I am not the daughter they wanted. (I'm married, two kids, moderately successful career but just not 'conformist' enough )

I have over the years cut the amount of information I tell them so they have less to be critical of. My mother hunts for every scrap of detail to pass onto neighbours & relatives to keep up appearances.

It's all about keeping up appearances, from that point Covid has been a blessing.

I model excellent behaviour to our neighbours, in-laws, older friends in the hope the kids will see that.

SnowyZoey

Thank you for your post. It nodded in agreement to do much.

And those of us who’ve witnessed friends receiving better, more loving parenting know ‘the time’ is not an excuse - it’s not that simple, or that excusable.

This part made me cry. I remember watching friends laughing and being affectionate with their family and longed to experience the same.

I always felt ‘outside’ everything as if I was looking from a distance and struggle with relationships, friends and conflict to this day.

I know what you mean op.
My mum died a couple of years ago and I did cry at the funeral which from other peoples reactions was the ‘right’ thing to do. But inside I knew it was because I was mourning the relationship I would never have.
It was also a bit awkward as I was perfectly ok to go back to work the next day but felt I had to have a couple more days off as that was the done thing. Everyone kept being really nice and saying I was being very brave going in, but I just felt a fraud as I didn’t feel anything.

@WorrierorWarrior

It's not about the way one was raised, or the social mores of the time, as much as individuals acting in their own way for bad or good. Otherwise how would all we on this thread, who have/had parents like this love and nurture our children, and be brimming with love for them?

I see what my parents did, and make sure I do things differently.

Peace and love to all that find family difficult

And I count myself fortunate, that I did my grieving for what I had lost many years ago, meaning I can concentrate what I have to offer on my own family, meaning my husband, children and very dear friends.

@SnowyZoey

This thread has made me feel more normal and less alone, so thank you. I feel the same about my crap parents who I don’t see, the same about people who get to miss something I’ll never have to lose.

As to the people saying ‘you’ll understand one day’ or ‘they did their best’, all you’re doing is showing you lack empathy. People are talking about sometimes lifelong hurt, about complex grief (ie grief for parental love and unmet needs), no doubt after spending years trying to untangle something they can’t untangle. I’ve spent a long time wondering why I couldn’t get my parents to treat me lovingly when others could (spoiler: it’s nothing to do with me), and what’s wrong with me (there’s nothing wrong with me).

I am strong enough now and have had enough therapy to know that, having spent a very long time having to put up and shut up - because as a child you have to just do what you can to survive in a situation you didn’t choose to be in and can’t choose to get out of - and trying to understand what I did wrong, why they are like this, I don’t fucking have to keep making excuses for them because their behaviour is not my responsibility.

I, and others in this thread, need to look after myself and be kind to myself, to know it is ok not to miss them, that it is ok and understandable and a natural consequence of their behaviour that I don’t miss them, and not to have to sit around making excuses about the ‘time’.

People who have lived in loveless households, who have been treated like shit, do not need to be told that their feelings somehow matter less than making excuses. If you see a thread about the very complex hurt that many are dealing with and your reaction is to tell people to be more understanding or bang on about how they did their best, then you are making some strange choices about how to support others.

It doesn’t matter if they did their best. It matters that they caused terrible hurt. And those of us who’ve witnessed friends receiving better, more loving parenting know ‘the time’ is not an excuse - it’s not that simple, or that excusable.

So stop with those stupid comments. Because OP, you and I and everyone else who feels this way - including jealousy - don’t have to apologise. What you do need to do is be really good to yourself. You didn’t choose this. You can’t just choose another set of feelings. That’s not how feelings work. Be proud of breaking the cycle, and be good to yourself.

Thank you for articulating what I can't. I've struggled with some of the comments on this thread, so your post has helped validate how I feel

I posted the same the other. I feel very similar and I’ve felt happier than ever since lockdown. We are in the minority but not alone 🌸

@VenusStarr I’m sorry you’ve struggled and glad if my post helped in any way.