To not love my parents and be jealous of people missing theirs

[ifitcouldbe]

Growing up my parents were very traditional, old fashioned in their ways. Children should be seen and not heard type thing, stiff upper lip and no affection, no saying I love you or proud of you.

My Dad was very much the father going out to work, we mustn't disturb him after work. My Mum stayed home and did cooking and cleaning. She as she will admit never played with us or did homework as she was obviously depressed. We didn't do very well at school, not naughty just struggled and that mad my Dad cross. They issued physical punishment, smacking hitting mainly from my Dad, but I did ask my mum why she let him and she said she had no choice. I'm 40 now although my parents had me their oldest child at 30.

I have a younger sibling , which they were a bit more lenient on, but second child is treated differently generally, but he is a very different personality, could just be girl / boys differences.

I'm some ways I am now very independent from my upbringing, but I did struggle as a teen keep going back "home" after moving out young, as I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't change. A bit like not wanting to leave your abusers I suppose as it's all you know.

I now struggle with giving the love /affection thing and have personal space issues even with my young children, who I adore. I just don't feel anything for my parents.

Lockdown has been great and I haven't had to be obliged to see my parents. I'm so jealous of people missing their families. My Dad is very much family is the only thing that matters, but it's a joke the wider family couldn't care less about anyone but themselves and my parents haven't been in anyway kind. I have tried to view it as they did the best they could manage with what they know , but I struggle with that.

Anyone else feel the same? It's almost shameful with people missing their families this Christmas 😔

There are some great forums on Reddit which may help you find clarity
JNOFamily and possibly Raised by Narcissists. They have a wealth of resources and shared experiences

@MrsTWH

I get it, OP. I struggle with this too. I don’t like my parents and I had a difficult childhood. However I am an only child and I’m my mum’s emotional crutch. I hate it but otherwise she is alone. My children would be really upset if we didn’t see her as they have a good relationship with her. My dad and his wife make zero effort and only care about themselves so we only see them twice a year at most. I might feel differently when they’re no longer here I suppose but I don’t feel much for them beyond irritation. Then I think I might be the problem because that sounds so cold. I adore my husband and children and have tried my hardest to have my own happy family because it’s all I ever wanted as a child. I think more people feel like this than you realise.

I could've written this myself

OP there's so many of us so you aren't alone, but it's just horrible, everyone says how much xmas is about family and i have no love for my own. A lot of our childhood trauma is about xmas as well which makes it worse, i hate the day and i always want it over and done with.

I feel really guilty for feeling this way instead of what "traditional" families have, and also because there are so many not seeing their much loved families this year. In truth, im truly just very jealous of the loving "together" families that people have, more so in december than ever.

I had to check if I had written this. I feel exactly the same about mine.

It’s a lot more common than you think. I love my parents but am not emotionally close especially to my DM. If I don’t phone my mother I don’t hear from her. I can go for weeks without phoning and then when I do she says ‘oh I was just about to phone you’. I also can’t tell her anything serious in my life as she only talks in platitudes as though she’s not really listening.

I feel the same op. My mother is not another to me. She gave up that title when she moved away 19 years ago when I had my first child. She is a narcissist and loves to cause divide.

I used to feel as though I was to blame for having a shit parent but now I have a nice family and she is alone.

I don't miss my parents. Similar to yours, no love or encouragement. Selfish fuckers.

I couldn't give a toss though, they created this situation themselves. I don't feel bad. I don't feel jealous either. I'm an introvert, couldn't bear to have someone in my face all the time the way MIL is with DH, expecting things all the time and generally being a nuisance.

@DDIJ

One of the most bewildering things for me about recent months is reading about people who can't wait to hug their families. My family never ever hugged me. I do understand where you are coming from

Me too. Only my Dad is left now and he has dementia, but I haven't had physical contact with him since I was a small child.

My mother finally told me she loved me when she knew she was dying. I was 58. My relationship with her was better in her last few years but was never anything like that which I know some people have enjoyed.

I also can't empathise with people who are distraught about not seeing their parents at Xmas.

I understand OP. It took me 10 years to reach that point but I have not spoken to my mother for nearly 2 years now. (My parents are separated and I have a good relationship with DF). M is a narcissist however, although it wasn’t until reading on here that I came to realise it.

I find it difficult too to understand people desperately missing their parents.

You could think about going low contact or no contact with them off the back of lockdown.

Go easy on yourself - you deserve better.

I'm jealous of those who have a mother who they can ask advice from, share things with.

Although I lived at home til I was 25, I brought myself up. My memories of my mother are someone who spent her time mocking me and putting me down at every opportunity.

When I hear people saying how they miss their family, can't wait to see them, I would love to feel like that about them.

Another one here op - I am estranged from mine...I could have written many aspects of your post.

I think I have been less impacted by all that has happened because of this (obviously other aspects have been concerning/stressful) but I want to say to people...it's just the same for me, it's like this all the time (except I no longer want to see my parents - it has taken a long time to arrive a this point...returning to abuser resonates with me.)

I seem to need a lot of space. I really work hard at spending time with my children (but it tends to be in short bursts - perimenopausal and this hasn't helped the situation).

You are not alone.

I understand, OP.

My mum's attitude is very much "Don't call me. I'll call you." When I've phoned her in the past, she made it very clear that she wasn't happy about it. Our last conversation was 2 or 3 years ago. The previous one was about 5 or 6 years before that. We live in the same city.

It's only since having children myself that I've enjoyed Christmas. It was an awful time growing up as there was no escape from my mum and her various boyfriends.

My friends' parents were all lovely and kept an eye out for me as best they could. I miss not being able to see them but definitely not my own.

I wonder if there is something wrong with me as I just don’t miss my parents at all. I haven’t seen them for nearly 2 years and it doesn’t bother me at all.

There was no abuse. I got birthday and Xmas presents. I got things I needed. They helped me through uni and with a house deposit.

But we just have no connection. We never talked about anything or had much fun as a family. We never went on days out or on holiday.

The only thing we did was sit in the evening and watch tv. We never hugged or said I love you.

I feel like they don’t know anything about me. They aren’t a part of my life. I phone them about every 6 weeks because it’s expected but we don’t really have anything to talk about. This is a typical conversation for us:
Mum: is your fridge working?
Me: erm yes, why wouldn’t it be?
Mum: well you’ve had it over 10 years now. Is your dryer working?
Me: yes..why are you asking about my fridge and dryer?
Mum: well I don’t know what else to talk to you about

I haven’t spoken to my brother for years either. We’re all just like strangers.

I feel a very similar way, OP. I hear you.

I am with you OP.

Despite the challenges it has brought, lockdown has been a godsend as I have not had to see my DM (DF is dead). I'm made to feel bad - she thinks I should break the rules for her but accepts that I won't.

I dread the time that restrictions are lifted fully!

To make matters worse, I live in a large village where several families comprising of 3 generations live in harmony (seemingly) in close proximity to one another.

I didn't say anything about my children wanting to see me when I'm older. I try so hard with my Dc. I hope they do want to see me when they are older, but life is so much wider with the opportunities now. I hope they take them, but that they feel and know they are loved.

It's hard as when you try to bring your kids up so differently to what you've grown up with, it feels like a lot of effort. You are learning new ways. I am strict, but not unfair. I never swear or hit my children. I let the have treats. I can be short tempered and raise my voice, but I am trying to be better. I am consistent. I know when I do it
wrong and say sorry. I know it's not how I should handle it and I am learning to be more patient.

I tell my DC I love them every night when I put them to bed. I encourage my children and we do lots of things together. I hug them, but as I said I do struggle with personal space and two young children who are very cuddly, which is lovely, but quite over whelming. I do realise my parents were maybe products of their own upbringings too, but I just don't like them.

to everyone feeling the same ! It's hard.

All you can do is move on.

Be glad you don't depend on them any more, be proud you have turned out so well despite their crap parenting and then focus on something else.

Having it out with them won't get you anywhere, they won't see that they were wrong. They were probably the products of a worse environment.

Be proud of who you are x

I think what Worrier orWarrior says is important to consider; people are influenced by the prevailing culture of their times.

However, people can learn and be different from their forbears; I have an elderly relative who grew up in the 1920’s. She had a very forward thinking attitude and was a loving parent and grandparent. She wasn’t stuck in the era she was brought up in, with the social mores of that time. She moved along with the times, understood that younger people were facing different challenges than she had.

I have another relative who was brought up in upper class neglect and abuse, he turned it around and was a loving parent to his children.

So people aren’t just a product of their era and upbringing.

Fully understand you too. Very difficult relationship with my parents, like another poster said I usually feel drained after any interaction with them. Managing my mother’s emotional response to everything is exhausting.

We’ve not seen them since Feb, and as a result of this I have felt less anxious.

I think that being told 'I love you' is far less important than the feeling of being loved, considered and cared for. So many people I know of my generation (late 40s) have no experience of being told those words or indeed hugged freely and daily but we knew by the atmosphere in the home, the tone in which we were to, etc that love was there.

'I think that being told 'I love you' is far less important than the feeling of being loved, considered and cared for'

So true. My parents have often told me that they love me and miss me, but I've always felt that they need me more than love me, and like their idea of who I am rather than the reality of who I actually am. It's pretty soul destroying stuff and makes you feel very empty. For anyone in a similar situation, I highly recommend seeing a therapist rather than trying to make sense of this on your own

I have a very disconnected relationship with my parents. My mother is emotionally unavailable and she's just getting worse as she gets older. I recently had my 4th miscarriage (she knows about them all now, but I initially wasn't going to tell her after how she reacted to my previous losses, completely unsupportive or caring). We did end up speaking on the phone about 2 weeks after a traumatic MMC and I can see I reverted to a small child - not wanting her love, she's never told me she loves me, I'm not sure why I did it now. Anyway, her response was, 'oh dear, that's a shame.' And that's it, the conversation ended soon after and she's not contacted me since. That was mid October. What kind of parent behaves like that? I'd quite happily never see her again. Which I don't share openly as I'd be mortified if my future children felt that about me. But she's just a shit parent.

You are not alone OP. I used to struggle when people talked about close relationships with their parents, now when asked I just say we're not close. It used to make me feel ashamed, but I can see its not a reflection on me, I'm not a failure or a let down (how she makes me feel by saying not very much at all). I do feel a bit sorry for her, she despises being alive but I feel little responsibility for her.

My dad told me and my sister when we were younger that the reason they had children was to care for them when they were older. Funnily enough you have to foster some sort of relationship with me / us, so that's not happening.

I get it. My family are very dysfunctional. My mum only ever saw us as an extension of herself, something to show off and brag about and there for her own entertainment, but never took an interest in us as individual people. My dad mainly just does as he's told for a quiet life.
My best friends family all seem to like each other and I sometimes wonder what thats like. I'll have to see my parents over Christmas and its something I feel I must endure rather than I'm looking forward to it. My mum also likes to present tp the outside world that we are all so amazingly close and its such bull shit it makes me sick.

I'm with you op. This is my first Christmas after going NC with my parents. The lockdowns have made it all much easier as it's taken the pressure off incase they tried to get in contact.

It's been really hard listening to how much families are missing each other when I know mine don't feel that for me. It's been made glaringly obvious what I'm missing in my life and it's bloody hard to keep hearing it all the time.
I'm very lucky that I have a very close relationship with my in laws but it's still hard.