To not love my parents and be jealous of people missing theirs

[ifitcouldbe]

Growing up my parents were very traditional, old fashioned in their ways. Children should be seen and not heard type thing, stiff upper lip and no affection, no saying I love you or proud of you.

My Dad was very much the father going out to work, we mustn't disturb him after work. My Mum stayed home and did cooking and cleaning. She as she will admit never played with us or did homework as she was obviously depressed. We didn't do very well at school, not naughty just struggled and that mad my Dad cross. They issued physical punishment, smacking hitting mainly from my Dad, but I did ask my mum why she let him and she said she had no choice. I'm 40 now although my parents had me their oldest child at 30.

I have a younger sibling , which they were a bit more lenient on, but second child is treated differently generally, but he is a very different personality, could just be girl / boys differences.

I'm some ways I am now very independent from my upbringing, but I did struggle as a teen keep going back "home" after moving out young, as I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't change. A bit like not wanting to leave your abusers I suppose as it's all you know.

I now struggle with giving the love /affection thing and have personal space issues even with my young children, who I adore. I just don't feel anything for my parents.

Lockdown has been great and I haven't had to be obliged to see my parents. I'm so jealous of people missing their families. My Dad is very much family is the only thing that matters, but it's a joke the wider family couldn't care less about anyone but themselves and my parents haven't been in anyway kind. I have tried to view it as they did the best they could manage with what they know , but I struggle with that.

Anyone else feel the same? It's almost shameful with people missing their families this Christmas 😔

I do miss some of my family. But not my mum. Lockdown has been the gift that keeps on giving where that's concerned - the perfect excuse to stay away as long as possible.

My kids are old enough to have noticed what she's like. So they don't miss her either.

If she gets Covid, she's unlikely to recover, and I probably wouldn't be allowed to see her before she died. This thought does not make me sad.

I don't feel guilty, although occasionally I mourn for the parenting I didn't have. I put my energy into being there for my own kids.

I have enjoyed lockdown for this reason. It made me realise how dysfunctional they are and how unhealthy and toxic are relationship can be.
Currently battling as DM (ECV) is insisting that they come to my back garden and we all open presents in the freezing cold. None of want to, but she is emotionally blackmailing everyone around her as per! I do feel sorry for her but she has my dad run ragged and can be so selfish.
I know a few people who feel similar to us but mainly people desperate to see and hug their parents.

I do have 2 of my own lovely children, although I worry I'm not loving enough to them.

In laws my DHs mum died when he was a teenager . He has a lovely step mum, but she has her own blood grandchildren, but we keep in touch and see her occasionally. His Dad is a bit "when it suits him" He would want us to come over or us to see him when it's his birthday, but won't come if it's ours or the kids. Money is not the issue, he's just a bit fickle. He's quite cuddly though and easy to chat to though, he's a nice person.

@ProfessionalWeirdo

Do you have kids? If so, just be the best parent you can. The type yours should have been.

This. If you can spare your children from anything that blighted your own childhood, then do so.

Seconded. I made a conscious choice to hug my children and shower them with love. But I understand you are mourning the relationship you wanted, but never got. I'm in my 50s and only recently accepted that it's ok to stop trying. I see my parents often and have accepted that I can't change them. I love them, but it's not the relationship I hope for with my own children.

Every generation is living in very different times and different things at each era were the desired level of taking good care of children.
In early Victorian times posh children were brought to the Drawing Room to be seen by their parents for 5 or 10 minutes and poor children of the same time era were working down mines etc at the age of 5. Even the poshest people would not have had electricity to run mobile phones ipads or laptops even if those were even invented.
Early 1900s most parents thought they were doing fine having clothes and shoes for their children because many children only had one second hand outfit and probably no shoes unless they were lucky.
1914 to 1918 there was the first world war
1920s there were slums with one tap outside for 25 families and one toilet (no bath) for those same 25 families.
1930s there was the depression where there was little food
1940s there was the second world war
1950s people were living some in some very nice houses but some still living in those houses of the 1920s with no inside water or toilet.
1960s some nice houses and still the same slums as 1920s
1970s as 1960s
1980 things started to get better for all levels of society
1990s some techy stuff was around but nothing like today.
2000s a fair number of people had nice houses and a fair bit of techy things
2000 to 2020 things have progressed a lot, I dont think there are any houses with shared outside toilets or water taps.
Each generation lived in their own times and doing what they could in the circumstances they had around them.
It is all different times. Today we expect fathers to be able to care for babies and children as well as the mothers. 100 years ago the father rarely saw the children. Each of the parents being brought up in the times they were born into and accepted the values of those times.
Can today's parents only criticise their parents can they not see that their parents were a product of the times around their early life and their parents were of their time.
Can you imagine showing a mobile phone, i pad or laptop to someone who has never experienced electricity?
Some people certainly seem to be from a time different to their birth certificate. I saw something today on MN about some man who would have been more suited to Victorian times.
I believe that the majority of parents do their best for their children but that is very dependent on the era in which they lived. A lot of the MN posters do not seem to have any understanding of the times in which their parents were born. Your children may one day look at you in the same way. It is repetative through the generations, each younger generation thinking they know best.

I haven’t seen my mum for 3 years and don’t miss her at all. She was even in intensive care earlier this year (not covid) and it didn’t make me feel anything. We communicate via the odd text (she always takes weeks to reply). She says she loves me and my DSis but I haven’t seen her take one action in her life that’s actually shown it. So me and my DSis rely on each other for that family love. It’s sad but I’ve had 50 years to come to terms with it. My relationship with my own DC is entirely different and very loving.

I understand OP.
Same with my parents, never proud of me, never told me they loved me. Had a few spankings (which my mum denies *sigh)..

I don't miss them at all and won't be visiting them any time soon either.

Sames.

From a very selfish point of view the only solace I have is that I've saved myself some grief when they die because I won't be hugely upset. Sounds awful. But true.

@WorrierorWarrior, that's a lot of waffle to excuse shit parenting. It doesn't matter what the generational differences are, certainly not what the bloody Victorians did. People know when they've been on the receiving end of exceptionally shit parenting, though there's always someone who tries to excuse other's very personal experiences.

Sorry to hear how you feel op. Though it sounds totally reasonable that you feel no love towards them considering it sounds as though they were emotionally neglectful and used physical abuse.

I love my parents but I don’t feel the intense love many do. Also don’t like them very much and actually feel quite a bit of anger/dislike towards them at times.

I think whatever you feel is ok. It’s just accepting that how your relationship is is hard. I feel jealous of other peoples close relationship with their parents too. The reality is relationships are very complicated though.

@WorrierorWarrior

Every generation is living in very different times and different things at each era were the desired level of taking good care of children. In early Victorian times posh children were brought to the Drawing Room to be seen by their parents for 5 or 10 minutes and poor children of the same time era were working down mines etc at the age of 5. Even the poshest people would not have had electricity to run mobile phones ipads or laptops even if those were even invented. Early 1900s most parents thought they were doing fine having clothes and shoes for their children because many children only had one second hand outfit and probably no shoes unless they were lucky. 1914 to 1918 there was the first world war 1920s there were slums with one tap outside for 25 families and one toilet (no bath) for those same 25 families. 1930s there was the depression where there was little food 1940s there was the second world war 1950s people were living some in some very nice houses but some still living in those houses of the 1920s with no inside water or toilet. 1960s some nice houses and still the same slums as 1920s 1970s as 1960s 1980 things started to get better for all levels of society 1990s some techy stuff was around but nothing like today. 2000s a fair number of people had nice houses and a fair bit of techy things 2000 to 2020 things have progressed a lot, I dont think there are any houses with shared outside toilets or water taps. Each generation lived in their own times and doing what they could in the circumstances they had around them. It is all different times. Today we expect fathers to be able to care for babies and children as well as the mothers. 100 years ago the father rarely saw the children. Each of the parents being brought up in the times they were born into and accepted the values of those times. Can today's parents only criticise their parents can they not see that their parents were a product of the times around their early life and their parents were of their time. Can you imagine showing a mobile phone, i pad or laptop to someone who has never experienced electricity? Some people certainly seem to be from a time different to their birth certificate. I saw something today on MN about some man who would have been more suited to Victorian times. I believe that the majority of parents do their best for their children but that is very dependent on the era in which they lived. A lot of the MN posters do not seem to have any understanding of the times in which their parents were born. Your children may one day look at you in the same way. It is repetative through the generations, each younger generation thinking they know best.

Bullshit.

Stop making up excuses for shit parenting.

@LickyLizard that is so childish, about the Mother's Day Card. Is it possible as I believe myself, that there are folk so limited they get off on the idea that their disapproval will cause anxiety, dismay, apologies and then they can feed off that reaction?

I get this OP, and I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I actually lost my Mum when I was young, and my Dad 11 years ago and I do miss them hugely. My DH on the other hand, his parents are a total disaster and we aren't close to them at all. I really envy people who have a close family relationship. Like you, my DH didn't get much in the way of affection and has very cold, distant relationship with them now. It's only by seeing what he has gone through that I really understand that some people aren't meant to be parents. He has turned it around though, and made it positive by being a fantastic husband and father. He's nothing like them, and I'm so proud of him for that (even if they aren't).

I totally get where you're coming from, I find it hard to listen to people complaining about missing out on one lovely joyous family Christmas when some of us have never had that ever. I'm not trying to downplay their loss at all and I would be sad to miss it too, if it's what I was used to, but I am sort of jealous. It's not ok.

I definitely love my parents but I am not close to them. My siblings are all much closer to them so in some respects makes it easier for me.

My mother was very strict ( Indian background) and i thought my dad was the easy going one but he was pulling the strings in the background. Think not being allowed out - sometimes not even during the day - friendships discouraged- "you have family you don't need friends".

Growing up was not about loving us but about what people thought and how things looked to other people - and of course about making a good "wedding match".

Things were much easier for my siblings- and I think as a result they are closer to them. My siblings will each call my parents at least a couple of times a week - I often go months without calling.

I feel I have nothing in common with my parents and so in a bizarre way covid restrictions have taken the pressure - I can't see them so i don't feel bad for not seeing them.

OP - the people who have these lovely relationships with their parents are truly blessed but it is by no means everyone. Love your children the way you would have like to have been loved - you will all benefit from it.

Sending love

I live abroad. Not having to go back to my birth country to see my mom for Xmas is likely the only positive effect of COVID-19. I am also sometimes very sad of all the things I missed out on as a child and young adult, and it was hard to accept that things won’t change.

I've really struggled with people missing hugs from parents or the things they do or just being with them as I have never had those things from mine and it makes me feel so abnormal. I just can't relate to people getting upset because they can't see them at Christmas etc. It's like I live in a different world. My sister and I remarked in the middle of lockdown that not once did our parents say they wanted to see us or the grandchildren. They did however miss golf and clothes shopping.

I do accept times were different. At 40 I've lived through no technology, the start of the internet and everyone getting mobile phones.

What I'm saying is my mum was home, a SAHM, didn't work and was very much distant and not involved. My Dad wasn't available when he wasn't working, at weekends, we weren't allowed to play or make any noise and they certainly wouldn't take us cycling or anything. I couldn't ride a bike or swim as we never did it. I was the only one to fail my cycling test at school, so most people in my area did these things. This may be in part down to money, not location as we lived in small house with a garden, rather than a flat.

Different times has nothing to do with it. Your OP was about being jealous of other people’s feelings for their parents, unless you’re only talking about 20 year olds, these people will have grown up in roughly the same ‘times’ as you.

I am NC with my parents and I have had this weird guilty feeling, seeing the advantage this has given me with all this. However, I would still prefer to have had loving parents that I am now desperate to see.

I am jealous, because I'm talking about my peers saying it. My cousins, my best friends, and I'm like erm yeah, well oh dear, tier 4 so opps can't see them I wish I liked my parents.

And you think that your children will never feel this way about you because you have got it right?

The reality is this could happen to you yet. Dont be so assured your children will not criticise you as you criticise your parents. This board clearly evidences that adult children hate their parents for all sorts of perceived abuse`. You may yet have time to understand your parents.

@lickylizard

I get it op, it's ok to feel sad about it

I feel the same about mine, everything is drama when it involves them. I'm drained after interaction with them. To make matters worse my mum is only cold towards me, she's incredibly close with my sister (who I don't get along with), they are incredibly unkind, bitchy and judgemental people.

I've always been "trouble" for not wanting to join in verbally tearing loved ones/friends apart and having my own opinions.

I received a message from both parents last year slating me, calling me pathetic and unbelievable for dropping off my mums Mother's Day card in the evening. (Due to working in the day). At the time I had a poorly 2 year old that didn't sleep (days before a big operation), stressed about my child's upcoming surgery, a 5 month old still breastfeeding through the night and working part time as money was tight. Every year up until that point I'd been excluded from Mother's Day plans anyway but apparently that Mother's Day was different.

I'm thankful that I have lovely PIL and I realise how fucked up my relationship with my mother is when I realise that they are the people I go to when I'm happy or proud of an achievement, when I'm sad and struggling or when I need some advice with how to handle situations with my dcs.

It is nothing but unconditional love from PIL, whereas my parents is 100% conditional.

I don't think it will ever get easier.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. X

Oh god Im so sorry. Mine are just like this and I adore my PIL, they are my go to/ parents. You are the Scapegoat, your sister the Golden child. I went LC with mine. Life is so much better without their abuse.

Both my parents are dead now but when they were alive I had very similar thoughts. To the extent that I didn’t really see my mum for the last 6 years of her life until very shortly before she died.

I had a very similar upbringing, no hugs, they never said they loved me, etc.

Visiting was always a chore. I moved out a week after my 18th and never looked back.

It’s certainly not shameful that you feel like that. But it’s sad for you and others like you, though totally understandable. I mourn not ever having had some amazing, close family. I’ll never have it and that makes me sad. I’ve only one sibling left and see them once a year. No wider family at all.

I feel similar op.
I don't love my mum (only her left) a would happily never see her again, it's only the guilt that keeps me visiting.
I used to feel envious of other people's families. I remember when I had one of my kids, my neighbour (who I was close to) had had a baby about three months before and had loved her mum fussing round. When I was in labour I remember saying to my husband that I wished neighbours mum was here and that I wished neighbours mum was my mum. I wouldn't have wanted my mum within a hundred miles.

I don't feel envious of other people's families anymore, I'm just older now and don't need it. It is what it is.

And you think that your children will never feel this way about you because you have got it right?

I don't think that. I half expect they'll never want to see us again, even though I'm nice to my children (now teens) and they seem very happy in our family. I hope I do have a good relationship as adults and get invited to weddings and stuff but I certainly don't assume it will be like that.