OH refusing Xmas plan change

[lamby12]

I think OH is being selfish and childish - is he?

We were always going to have Xmas day at our house, for one reason or another we've never been at home or not having major renovations etc so we said since last year we'd have this Xmas at home and host for my parents, his parents and any other family. We have a 2yo.

MIL & FIL decided last month they wouldn't be coming. They are boderline vulnerable and have been shielding throughout. My grandma would usually be with relatives aboard (she alternates each year) but she's in the equation with us this year due to restrictions. She's not bothered about Covid, says she might not be around much longer anyway (she's been saying that for 10+ years).

So it's now us, my parents and grandma on Xmas day (3 households) nobody's done much prep re food and we're taking it all very relaxed this year due to the uncertainty.

My mum suggested yesterday they'd feel more comfortable re grandma if we came to them as their house is considerably bigger with lots more socialising space, so more scope to naturally distance. She also knows OH is working flat out up to Xmas as a key worker, we haven't done any food shopping yet, we're tight on money and I'm knackered from being on my own with a toddler all the time. So all that combined she is trying to be helpful and relieve any pressure of us hosting.

I said great idea. OH flew off the handle, poking holes in the science of whether more space is safer, being argumentative about it, calling them stupid for suggesting it (all this just said to me). Acting like they're doing something malicious 'I've been looking forward to Xmas at home and they throw this in at the last minute' type ranting.

Saying he's not going?!? The decision hasn't even been made it was just discussion, not expected to be heated discussion.

I don't know if their science about space is right but if it makes them feel more comfortable who cares? They do everything for us. They are also offering to host coming from a nice place. Oh and I'm pregnant, so I'm bloody knackered and would love to not cook etc.

Should add, we're at home just us Boxing Day and I've offered to cook mini Xmas dinner #2 with OHs fave bits, so that will be our day at home if that's what he wants.

His reaction was so angry and nasty about my parents I told him he's a selfish and needs to take a long hard look at himself. All he ever gives a damn about is what he wants to do. Normally we all just go along with his preference but why should we? He's no reasons other than he'd prefer it. Who the hell at this time of Covid suggests NOT coming to Xmas day because of what house were at. Who cares?

AIBU to tell him he's a selfish ?

But Op’s other half is being pressured. It’s not a neutral discussion.

Her parents want the plan changed so they would feel more comfortable.
Op wants the plan changed so she doesn’t have to cook.

That leaves her OH outnumbered. That’s why he’s upset. He’s been working, wants to stay home but his opinion won’t count because he hasn’t shopped, cooked or prepped in top of everything else.

Or if he wants you all to stay home he does the shopping and cooking

I've been pregnant at Christmas with toddlers and overworked DH and it was probably the most exhausting time of my entire life. It was like trying to do things swimming underwater although there were no visible outward signs. It wore me right out, and that is not a good position to be in.

This is probably the one time in your life when you are really going to need people to put YOU first so that you can carry on keeping your things going and are not too stressed because that is not good for you or the baby and he is being really selfish to put you under this stress.

Your mum is throwing you a lifeline because she gets it. Your DH doesn't.

I would seriously be tempted to tell him you are grabbing this lifeline with both hands and let everything else fall where it may. YOu have the best excuse possible. Pregnant and need help. Rinse and Repeat.
Very best of luck with the baby and I hope he comes round to your point of view.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

I've been pregnant at Christmas with toddlers and overworked DH and it was probably the most exhausting time of my entire life. It was like trying to do things swimming underwater although there were no visible outward signs. It wore me right out, and that is not a good position to be in.

This is probably the one time in your life when you are really going to need people to put YOU first so that you can carry on keeping your things going and are not too stressed because that is not good for you or the baby and he is being really selfish to put you under this stress.

Your mum is throwing you a lifeline because she gets it. Your DH doesn't.

I would seriously be tempted to tell him you are grabbing this lifeline with both hands and let everything else fall where it may. YOu have the best excuse possible. Pregnant and need help. Rinse and Repeat.
Very best of luck with the baby and I hope he comes round to your point of view.

Very well said!

he might have overreacted but i wouldn't want to change my plans to stay home.

The message about being really careful at Christmas has been ramped up in the last few weeks, especially with this new virus strain.

Boris was even hinting yesterday that schools may not be open in January, so I assume people may change their plans even more in the next couple of days.

@Thewinterofdiscontent Sounds more like the OP is being pressured by her other half. Her mum sees her struggling and threw her a lifeline, she tried to discuss it with her OH but instead she was bullied, shouted down, and pressured by OH. It sounds like she didn't even get to say how she feels, he just shouted her down. Sounds like DV abuse to me. As she said, they always do everything his way. The minute things start to go OP's way, he gets abusive, bullying and pressures her into silence. That's effectively what he is doing to her. Bullying and shouting her into silence and submission.

@Kalula. I’ve been the oh in this scenario. because my then husband would go discuss stuff with his family and come back and go

My mum was thinking. I think it’s a good idea. Why can we not just.

It’s horrible. I am really firm with my now oh that we don’t agree to anything without discussing between us first and that we both have to come at things open minded.

And that’s not a gender thing. He does it too. It’s not about pandering to the man, it’s about respecting our relationship and putting us first. Both of us.

[quote Fbtw]@SleepingStandingUp I wouldn’t say anything about a change of plans. I’d say I’ll talk to himself and let you know.

And he would do exactly the same, so it’s not a gender thing. I wouldn’t give any hint of one way or another and nor would he, until we had discussed it between us m[/quote]
So it's my latter point. One must not be seen to have a difference of opinion within the marriage / relationship.

I'd find it really odd if my sister / future adult child couldn't express an opinion - not a decision - on their own.

So what about ‘we normally go along with his preference’ @Fbtw, does that not sound like your ex.

He’s working right up until 24th, long planned first Christmas Day at home ( planned long before covid it seems), a few days to go, you and your parents are planning on moving it all to theirs. I’d be very upset if I were him, you are very selfish. Very upsetting for him. Those who are jumping on your bandwagon are those who automatically support the woman, however selfish she is being. If genders were reversed, they would not reply like that. His reaction/ communication is not nice, but you should not have suggested removing Christmas Day from your home to your parents.

I can see why it might not be his favourite option and he was looking forward to it at home, but that's no reason to turn into a stubborn angry twat.

Unless there is a particular reason, like your parents house causes him allergies or something, this is a time to recognise that what's being proposed makes life much easier for other people and if it doesn't cost him much he should go with it.

"Oh, I'm really disappointed I was looking forward to it at home, but I can see it would be easier for you. Could we have it here the day after / compromise by XYZ / whatever" would be a reasonable person's response.

And part of the reason it would be easier for you to go to your parents' is because this man among men seems to expect you to cook christmas dinner, originally for 8, when pregnant and having a toddler, when you should be resting while he does it.

If he was doing the hosting himself, then he'd have a point. But in essence his wish to be at home is more important to him than his wife being saved hours of drudgery.

He sounds like a Man of the House type who thinks he comes first.

@Fbtw I see nothing wrong with what your then husband did. He said that sounds like a good idea, but let me check with Fbtw first.

So he came home and asked you your opinion.

So your ex discussed things with you before making any firm decisions. Just as the OP has tried to do with her OH. And that, is how marriages/relationships are supposed to work.

I don't think you mentioned what tier you are in. Here are the Christmas bubble rules:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/making-a-christmas-bubble-with-friends-and-family/making-a-christmas-bubble-with-friends-and-family

Note the bit about isolating for 5 days before you meet up and the additional recommendations for the over 70s.

Your DH sounds stressed out. Why don't you let your parents host your grandma and you stay at home in your little family unit.

Yes, it is a bit shit.

We express opinions but only to each other. I don’t do divide and conquer from an outside influence.

And sometimes we even row and I might be a twat or he might be a twat. That doesn’t mean ltb right away.

It’s right in the teeth of Christmas, he’s working til24th and he was planning to have 25th in his own house. And now a change is spring on him and he knows fine well he will be all the twats if he doesn’t agree. I’d be angry too.

Your dh was very rude and shouldn't have spoken to you like that. If you go to your parents without him, the atmosphere it's not going to be great and your parents will probably feel bad for changing the plans and causing friction. I can understand that he doesn't want to change the Christmas plans and perhaps your ds also would like to stay at home playing with his new toys. Maybe you two could compromise and have your Mum bringing some of the food already cooked and dh should do the cleaning afterwards so when everyone is away you can put your feet up and have some sleep.

[quote Kalula]@Fbtw I see nothing wrong with what your then husband did. He said that sounds like a good idea, but let me check with Fbtw first.

So he came home and asked you your opinion.

So your ex discussed things with you before making any firm decisions. Just as the OP has tried to do with her OH. And that, is how marriages/relationships are supposed to work.[/quote]
My the husband never did that.

Not ever. He agreed with his mum and then came home and said me and mum talked. I think x is a good idea. Can we just.

And I knew after the first time that it was only a fake discussion and the decision had been made behind my back.

And if Christmas at home is more important to him than anything else, I agree it would be reasonable for OP to say "well my mum is offering to look after me and save me doing everything on xmas day, so we will be going and you're welcome to stay here." I suspect what he's really looking forward to is being waited on at home.

And I do understand wanting to be at home, I'm a homebody myself. But there's such a thing as tolerating something you're not keen on for the sake of someone else.

And I'm not anti-man. If a man could be pregnant and was expected to cook christmas dinner and run around after a toddler, I'd side with his preference to take up his parents' offer to take the strain.

Grandma as a single person is probably in a bubble with OP's parents so they count as 1 household although it does sound as though granny moves around a lot so she maybe should be staying put.

@canary1 but you should not have suggested removing Christmas Day from your home to your parents.
You are arguing a narrative that is simply not even there. Where did the OP say she suggested "removing Christmas Day" from her home to her parents?

It was her parents who made the suggestion. She decided, like most normal couples, to discuss it with her OH first. I thought that was how couples were meant to be?

The OP has a toddler and is pregnant. She has said they always do everything his way. She cannot even have Christmas with her own parents.

How is she remotely the selfish one here? And as she is pregnant, doesn't she have a right to be selfish, and to put her health and the health of her unborn child first?

Why can’t they just stay at home themselves and toddler and zoom granny and parents?

Oh wow this has gotten long took me ages to catch up...!

So I'll clarify a few things...

Someone said I stopped OH from seeing his parents. I never said that?! They have decided to shield, they have all year. I love his parents and super disappointed we can't see them - I think more so than him. Me and his mum speak every day. We're really close, they're lucky if he phones them weekly. So there's no his parents vs my parents here.

Whilst we had said last year, and mentioned a few times throughout 2020 that we would have Xmas at home, it was never written in stone and when the pandemic was clearly rumbling on we all became very relaxed about Xmas plans and it's been off/on and up in the air a few times over the last couple of months. We haven't put masses of emphasis on it, knowing we need to be flexible so the sudden insistence to be out ours is just that, sudden. Up to now he's taken little interest other than 'let's wait and see the rules'. There hasn't been a dying desire expressed to stay at home. So it didn't feel like a biggy to start re-discussing plans. Me and my mum are pretty known for being last minute on firming things up so it's not usual to change things.

Which leads me to the next point - nothing had changed. And this was the key of my annoyance. I said great idea to my mum but (maybe should have explained in the post) I also said I'd speak to OH and we were all very clear that nothing was decided until everyone had a chat. They were waiting for me to speak to OH and also my mum and dad were easy going (always are) so they made the suggestion re space and helping us out, but caveated with they'd go along with whatever.

My problem is I just tried to start a discussion with OH about it and he wouldn't engage in adult conversation about the space thing and went straight to 'you go I'm not coming'. Nobody had decided we should go there?! He was just suddenly creating a war of him vs my parents (I need to chose?!) when there was no war to be had. My parents are the most easy going kind people ever - they thought their suggestion was helpful. If we don't want to do their suggestion they're just as happy. But I thought it was a nice idea and that we should also consider the fact they feel more comfortable with more space.

So OH suddenly threatening Xmas apart was horrible. Especially given I'm tired, anxious about pregnancy, lonely etc. I didn't want a fight. I just want an east bloody Christmas and everyone to be together/happy.

So hopefully that's cleared a few things up!
Also we're not in tier 4 and my grandma is in my parents bubble. So technically it's a household and a bubble which is allowed on Xmas day.

Honestly, if a woman said her husband suddenly suggested that his mum had a great idea, have Christmas Day at his parents, when the plan was for the first time Christmas in their own home, the majority of posters would be supporting the woman. Saying of course you should have it at home, MIL is trying to take over, DH is a mummy’s boy, LTB..... OP you would have a different response altogether! I would be so upset and angry if my DH/MIL concocted a plan to take away my long- awaited first Christmas at home.

@lamby12 I can see both sides.

You and your OH need to work on your communication. I’d say honestly, there’s fault on both sides.

People can’t always be together and be happy. My mum usd to come out with that exact phrase and it really grinds my gears. It’s manipulative.

I can see where you’re coming from, but I can also see where he’s coming from. He’s working long hours (do you work?) and he had it in his head Christmas Day was going to be at home. And then you came back from your mums full of this great idea you and her have had. It would Piss me off too. How are you getting to and from your parents?

And if he had been working and you came back trying to discuss when he was tired after a shift, that’s not great timing.

I’d suggest working on your communication. And honestly, if he doesn’t go with you this year, that’s ok. He doesn’t have to. And you can go on your own.

All the people who said that the issue here is that he can't ease slightly on 'exactly what he wants to do' are spot on. That's the issue. Where we go isn't really the issue. It's the fact that 3 people have said they're more comfortable with more space and one (me) has said she'd jump at someone else hosting.
Nobody's forcing him, applying pressure or making plans for him - it's the fact that he won't even discuss other people's preferences and consider them, it's only 'my way or I'm out' attitude. That's the nub of the issue.
I get that 'the suggestion' of plans changing at the last minute is frustration (note - the suggestion, no plans had changed) but this year we've all been thrown curve balls and the immediate reaction shouldn't be selfishness.