To lie to DD about her positive COVID result?

[selflove]

DD (6years old) had a headache and temp on Friday, so I got me and my two younger kids tested. DD's is the only one to come back positive, so we have to isolate for two weeks over Christmas. I'm a single parent so we had planned on going to my mums, which is now obviously cancelled. DD is quite an anxious child and I don't want to tell her she's positive - I want to lie and pretend it's me. Is this the right thing to do? Can anyone see any obvious flaws in this plan?

She saw no one but me and her siblings in the three days prior to testing positive so no one else is affected or has to isolate. She thought we were getting tested because I told her it was a legal requirement to get tested if you want to see your family at Christmas, and although she knows she felt unwell on Friday she's been fine since so I don't think she suspects she has it.

I just don't want her to feel responsible for being the reason Christmas can't go ahead.

Well, how and when would the child find out this lie

I found out about enough of my parents ‘white lies’ to remember a general sense of unease throughout my childhood - children know, they sense things - they might not question - because they don’t want to pull holes in your story and expose you - but they do know.

Also our school said if we got a positive test between end of term and 24th December we had to notify them as they would still need to close the class bubble and inform her classmates to isolate.
Might be worth checking your schools policy just to be certain.

I would not mention the results unless she does. I would tell her the truth. You do not have to go into details. If another of you gets it or if any of you need medical help it makes sense to be honest now.

I have anxious kids and I would find the decision hard but I think I would tell the truth. Mine really hate the idea of being being lied to and if it did somehow come out later (your dd could overhear a conversation for example) then that undermines her trust in you. That said, I wouldn't think badly of you if you decided not to tell her.

There doesn't need to be any hint of blame, it's quite possible you or one of your other kids had it first asymptomatically, or that any of you have it by now. It's a sucky Christmas for most people.

I would either tell the truth or tell her you all have it, that way she won’t feel so anxious knowing she’s not the only one with it?

I couldn’t be dishonest as it breads distrust long term. It boils down to how you frame it and you can choose frame it positively. Yes the test came back positive for DD, yes you’re over the worst and it might give you some level of immunity in the future, yes for most people it’s short lived, yes we are doing the responsible and kind thing by keeping granny and the community safe by isolating, yes let’s arrange a belated Xmas meal together in February (or when ever) with crackers, Xmas film, treats, yes you’ll be able to tell all your friends about it when you go back to school, there will be other children in the same boat but it’s just one of those things, it’s not a big deal.

Get your family together and plan a really enjoyable day together. It is what you make it

@Porridgeoat

I couldn’t be dishonest as it breads distrust long term. It boils down to how you frame it and you can choose frame it positively. Yes the test came back positive for DD, yes you’re over the worst and it might give you some level of immunity in the future, yes for most people it’s short lived, yes we are doing the responsible and kind thing by keeping granny and the community safe by isolating, yes let’s arrange a belated Xmas meal together in February (or when ever) with crackers, Xmas film, treats, yes you’ll be able to tell all your friends about it when you go back to school, there will be other children in the same boat but it’s just one of those things, it’s not a big deal.

I trust you don't teach your kids to believe in Santa Claus then?

When my anxious daughter had it, I told her that she had it and was fine and would be fine but we had to stay in to protect those more vulnerable. I told her it didn't matter at all about the rest of the family catching it but you didn't want to pass to others who might then spread it further! Being honest helped and she was glad to take the precautions, she is also now much less anxious knowing she has had it and was fine!

I would not continue this line of lying to save her feelings. One of the major strengths children need to learn is resilience and you're not giving her the chance to do this.

Millions of people worldwide have had it; there is absolutely no shame in having caught it.

Also our school said if we got a positive test between end of term and 24th December we had to notify them as they would still need to close the class bubble and inform her classmates to isolate.
Might be worth checking your schools policy just to be certain.

This isn't a matter for individual school policy, it's government guidance for all schools. OP definitely needs to inform the school if she hasn't already as they will then need to contact all the children in her DD's bubble and tell them to isolate. Source: I work in a school have spent most of today calling parents to tell them their child is a close contact of a student who has tested positive.

Also, I wholeheartedly agree with the pp saying don't lie to your child. Many years experience working with anxious children tells me that this is a very bad idea.

Tell the truth

Generally I’d say never lie within families.

In this case, given she’s only 6, anxious, it’s a pandemic and it’s Christmas I would mention nothing a positive Covid test at all.

Just say the government rules changed over the weekend which is true and say you’re not allowed to see granny at Christmas any more, which would be entirely true if you were in a tier 4 area.

We can’t see my MIL this Christmas any more for precisely that reason.

It’s important that she does not get anxious while she has Covid as stress and anxiety can exacerbate illness in general. The more calm and relaxed she is the better.

@Washimal good to know. The letter was very strongly worded that we had to notify them and they were keeping the phone lines open up to and including Christmas Eve.

I also understood that to be the driving force behind closing the schools a day early? So the schools wouldn’t have to do this Christmas Day? Hence the need to inform them up to and including Christmas Eve. Our school used the inset day on Friday 18th as advised. I assumed for this reason.

Speaking as an anxious autistic adult, I would be absolutely truthful with her. There's nothing worse for anxiety than not knowing who you can trust and what you can believe in. Factual honest information is the most reassuring thing you can give surely?

And she isn't the cause. She isn't patient zero. She must've picked it up somewhere and it's equally possible that one of the others of you has it or has had it asymptotically and the test didn't pick it up.

*asymptomatically

My phone made up a word there

I would definitely not tell her, perhaps later when she’s older, you can tell her, why worry her more? And added to that she might then feel guilty about changing Xmas plans It’s a pandemic it’s hard enough and she’s only 6

I'd tell her she was positive. She needs to understand why you are isolating and if you worry she'll blame herself for Christmas being cancelled then I'd tell her you are also positive (chances are you may have caught it by now anyway). Imagine the uproar if Nana (or someone else) lets it slip.

@ChristmasBubble

Speaking as an anxious autistic adult, I would be absolutely truthful with her. There's nothing worse for anxiety than not knowing who you can trust and what you can believe in. Factual honest information is the most reassuring thing you can give surely?

And she isn't the cause. She isn't patient zero. She must've picked it up somewhere and it's equally possible that one of the others of you has it or has had it asymptotically and the test didn't pick it up.

Couldn't agree more with this.

This is about being trustworthy and dependable as a parent, not making this into a bigger thing than it is by lying about it (which implies the truth is too awful to face), and building resilience.

She'll only get the idea of being the 'cause' of your Christmas plans changing if that's the way you frame it to her. And if she does come up with it herself, you just reassure her and tell her it's just rotten luck and it's happening to families all over the world atm.

Tell the truth. Every time.

I get anxious and sometimes get myself wound up in silly lies as I used to be a terrible “people pleaser”. Being honest has been an utter revelation and has reduced my anxious feelings tremendously!

When I say lies things like feeling friend a I wasn’t feeling brilliant because I had plans with a different totally unconnected person. Stupid lie for the sake of nothing!

Just say we had a positive test, we have to stay home. And then answer her questions as she asks them.

Just tell her - particularly if she's not that poorly. She'll be able to go back to school and reassure her friends. What if a class mate gets it in January and she is worried about getting it? Would you tell her that she's unlikely to because she"s already had it but you kept that a secret from her? Way too much trouble.

Tell her the truth, if she finds out later somehow that you lied it might really affect her trust in you, even if you did it for the 'right' reasons. You would be much better helping her to cope with the truth than trying to artificially protect her. You won't be able to always protect and she needs to start learning to deal with these things while she is young or how will she cope when she is older. If she gets upset that she's to blame then just reassure her. If you are clear and confident that this isn't her fault then that will help her be too x

Just tell her the plans have changed an your staying home for Christmas no need to lie about any of it if she asks why your staying home tell her its to keep every1 safe from the virus

Thanks for all the opinions, especially those who took the time to be kind. I wouldn't say her anxiety comes from me - I'm usually infuriatingly optimistic, but I definitely am struggling today and kind words with no judgement helps. I do usually try to be truthful in an age appropriate way about her fears, but due to the fact it's Christmas, she's 6, it's been a global pandemic with a shit 9 months, I just wanted to try and spare her feelings.

I know her and the younger two will be upset that our plans had to change. We were going to stay at my mums big house (our own rooms each - it's their favourite thing in the world to have their own rooms for a few days usually), and now we're stuck in our 2 bed flat. However magical I can try and make it, and I will, it's not what we've been holding out for for so long, and I just didn't want her to feel that she caused this in any way. She's an emotionally sensitive little thing and I think she'll take the disappointment of her siblings harder than her own disappointment, if you know what I mean.

I will try a spin on honesty. That she did have it, but is obviously fine now, and they suspect we all might have it and we can't find out til after Christmas due to delays, so we need to isolate because of the rest of us. Or something.

You do need to isolate because of the rest of you, don't you? I mean, you're likely to get it, so that's why you're all isolating, isn't it?