To lie to DD about her positive COVID result?

[selflove]

DD (6years old) had a headache and temp on Friday, so I got me and my two younger kids tested. DD's is the only one to come back positive, so we have to isolate for two weeks over Christmas. I'm a single parent so we had planned on going to my mums, which is now obviously cancelled. DD is quite an anxious child and I don't want to tell her she's positive - I want to lie and pretend it's me. Is this the right thing to do? Can anyone see any obvious flaws in this plan?

She saw no one but me and her siblings in the three days prior to testing positive so no one else is affected or has to isolate. She thought we were getting tested because I told her it was a legal requirement to get tested if you want to see your family at Christmas, and although she knows she felt unwell on Friday she's been fine since so I don't think she suspects she has it.

I just don't want her to feel responsible for being the reason Christmas can't go ahead.

I like Lobobo's suggestion

I wouldn’t tell her if she is an anxious child and will worry. Tell her after she is clear she had it and it wasn’t that bad. Just tell her the government has changed the rules so you can’t see people. If you say it’s you she may worry about you.

My 6yo would be fine if I told her, if anything she’d milk it for sympathy 🤦‍♀️ But every child is different

The trouble with hiding things from a nervous child is that it means the child continues to have the same fear. Whereas if a feared thing happens, but everyone supports and reassures her, she will gradually learn that even when scary things happen, she is not on her own and will get past it.

If it is mainly the fear of things being her fault that would upset her - why not make it clear that no-one blames her? Then she would learn that sometimes things happen which we can't help, and that people are usually really understanding about it because they know it's not our fault.

I'd say good job we did the tests, do you remember that you felt a bit unwell the other day? Well you did have covid - it's just like a cold for kids, nothing to worry about, and you are all better now. But we're going to have to be sensible and follow government advice. This is what we can do and this is what we can't. It applies to all of us, not just you. I'm so pleased you did the test so well and now we have done the right thing and can help slow the spread (lots of positive coping language - anxious kids benefit from truthful coping talk, not over protection.)

I think it would be more reassuring to tell her she’s had it and is better now, and no one else has it.

My 6 year old nephew tested pos back in June, mild symptoms, recovered, then 2 weeks afterwards, had to be hospitalised for a week because of covid. I’m not trying to scare you and the chances of that happening are low, but how will you explain to her that you lied in that sort of scenario? Even in future GP visits you may need to mention it.

I have a 7 year old. We all did tests at weekend and waiting results (no symptoms it’s part of community tested as I work in a college) I would 100% lie in this scenario to protect my 7 year old - kids have been through so much already. I maybe would say you both had germs possibly? Chances are that those of I that tested negative may go on and develop symptoms in coming days aswell.

Hope your daughter and rest of you get better soon and manage to still have a nice Xmas

Part of how kids learn to manage anxiety is by practicing going through anxious times with the reassurance of gentle but strong adults who help them cope with fear, uncertainty and disappointment.

I don’t think lying helps at all.

I have an anxious 8 yr old. She hates sickness. Definitely has emtomaphobia. I think it’s called

That came from her sister being very poorly for many years.

But I’ve always told her. If she asks me a question. I won’t lie to her. You gain incredible trust by knowing a child can come talk to you and you’ll be honest.

If she finds out and it will be accidental. Then she won’t believe the things you’ll tell her. That’s just my opinion.

I would be honest and just tell her the truth but stress because of her age she will be fine and should soon shake it off. Be positive.

Plus this is a great time to put her in a situation where she can learn to handle her anxieties. It’s stressful. But over exposure is meant to work.

Tell her the truth a be in your own lives. Feel the things you are supposed to feel and grow. She will take her lead from you. React firmly to her suggestion (if it comes) that it is “her fault” by explaining sickness is not her fault any more than it is anyone else’s.

The truth is always best.
When I was 6 my Mum told us that our cousin had died of worry (suicide). It didn't make sense and was worrying in itself. It took us years to work it out, and a clear and honest explanation would have been better from the start.

@ravenmum

The trouble with hiding things from a nervous child is that it means the child continues to have the same fear. Whereas if a feared thing happens, but everyone supports and reassures her, she will gradually learn that even when scary things happen, she is not on her own and will get past it.

If it is mainly the fear of things being her fault that would upset her - why not make it clear that no-one blames her? Then she would learn that sometimes things happen which we can't help, and that people are usually really understanding about it because they know it's not our fault.

Totally this.

Telling her it is you isnt going to help her anxiety and it is likely to confuse her (given that she was the one with a headache and a temp). HEr anxiety is likely to be fuelled by it not quite making sense to her.

The simple truth is the best way forward to reduce anxiety - lying and trying to hide things from her simply isnt the way forward. The root of most anxiety is a lack of control and not knowing - lying simply adds to that.

I am not sure. If she is positive, you need to make sure you and other dc won't catch it? Otherwise when she's recovered, you or your other dc may become infected?
Also if she has it and she is well, doesn't that make her and your other children feel less anxious?

I wouldn't lie, but I'd finesse a bit. I'd say her test was positive which means all of you have been exposed (true) and have to change your plans, but you're sure she will be fine and be better soon.

OK there is a minuscule chance she'll be more unwell, but I would rely on a placebo effect of if she thinks she'll be fine, she's more likely to be. I have an anxious one and if I told her the truth that she's almost certain to be fine, she'd panic.

Then I'd deal with the anxiety with lots of hugs and listening and validating - accept if she's scared, worried, feels at fault or whateverm then reassure.

I do think kids this age do often feel responsible and to blame, and need to be told repeatedly that they're not.

I feel that she's got the right to know she has it. she'll remember this period for the rest of her life and imagine if she thinks she didn't get it but did, or if you have to declare that later in a medical appointment, it will be a lie you can't keep up.

But... i can see a value perhaps in saying you have it too. Or maybe that "they think" you have it too (which is likely to be true as even if you don't have it now you may well get it from her).

Tell her that youve all got very mild covid, and that you are luckily not getting symptoms, but you still have to stay in the house.

When was she last in school? If she started with symptoms on Fri, and was in school that week you will need to ( sure you already have) let school know for her class to isolate - or whatever the school she attends decides.

@RosesAndHellebores

Best way to turn an anxious child into a very anxious adult is to lie to them so they learn never to trust anything they are told.

This absolutely. Keeping things from an anxious child and not allowing them to cope with their anxiety (with your help) is not a good solution long term.

I understand the desire to protect her, but lying to her just denies her from the opportunity to learn that she can manage and overcome feelings of anxiety. If you try to protect her from everything so that she never has to confront anxiety-provoking situations or feelings, she won’t develop the skills she needs to feel those difficult feelings, tolerate them, and know that they will pass. It’s sort of a short term pain/long term gain thing.

I would add to this that in my experience working with children, they do much, much better with the truth, no matter how difficult that is. Often I find that it is actually the adult’s own feelings that prompt them to want to lie or conceal things from children. Could this be true for you? Possibly it’s not so much her anxiety that is worrying you, but how you feel about upsetting her.

I think you should tell her and support her to deal with how she feels about it. I would also be very clear that it’s the virus that is responsible for Christmas being cancelled - which is 100% true, it actually is nothing to do with her!

Well.. I'd let her go outside tbh. Just make sure it's a time when no-one else is around. I know you're not supposed to. But it will affect nobody if she's is playing on her own equipment in an open space with nobody else around.

and this is why the spreading is so bad.
follow the rules
do not tell and encourage others to break them. FFS

Please don't lie to her. If she finds out, she'll struggle to trust your word in future which will heighten her anxiety further. I speak as someone who was an anxious child and was quite often lied to 'so I wouldn't be worried'. It backfired as I could usually tell I was being lied to.

Painful as it is, please don't lie. I would not want her to go back to school once she has recovered and lie to them, or anyone else. I also believe that sometimes getting children to have to face difficulty and overcome it may be giving them resilience which will help them in future.

I wouldn't lie. She'll worry more about you having it as she'll already know it affects older people more.