12 year age gap

[Granolaslice]

He’s 43, I’m 31.

Is it too large an age gap?

Ageing can go at changing and unpredictable rates.
My mother is a year older than my father. For much of their 50 years together she was younger looking, more energetic, appeared years younger. He is very shortsighted and has had cardiovascular disease since his 30s. He had a normal life, worked etc but was not an energetic dad.

But in his late 60s he had a surgery that dramatically helped his heart. Now that he had a chance to live, he was full of new energy. He wrote a couple of books, traveled more than ever while my mother somehow.. retracted. Sadly last year (both in late 70s now) she was diagnosed with dementia. My father is looking after her but what is even more interesting, he is really mentally strong, optimistic in corona times, making plans for future.
So.. you just don't know.

madcatlady All 60 year old blokes are awful !!! How would you feel if someone came on to say all 58 year old women are awful ? Ridiculous comment. If people are complete arses they probably always have been.

12 year age gap here, we met when I was in my 40s and him in his 50s, been together well over a decade and have just got married. We are completely on the same page. He is also funny, kind, considerate and very good looking. No one else ever believes his age when he tells them. Sadly I don't get the same response when I tell people my age

Some nasty posts on here about men over 60/65 saying they are all horrible. How vile. @madcatladyforever is seriously projecting their issues onto the OP. All I will say is that when past 50/55, some men can't be arsed so much with partying/socialising etc, and do 'wind down' a bit. But so do many women of that age.

I was all long road trips, long coach trips, partying til 2am, and going to shows and concerts etc etc (with DH and with the kids, sometimes all of us!) Right up to the age of 45-48. Then I got a bit lazy, unmotivated, and to the point when I couldn't be arsed. I preferred to stay in, watch TV, go to the cinema, attend a little art class, and pop to the pub but come back by 9pm. Fortunately, me and DH got this way at the same time...

We love nothing more than snuggling up on the couch, with a bottle of wine and a bowl of nibbles, watching a good film. No more travelling across the country, and not getting home til 1am after going to a concert, or lengthy coach trips. The quiet life for us now. Done all our globetrotting and partying and concert going.

Seriously though, a 12 year age gap isn't that bad. And you could easily be a 'carer' for your spouse if you were only 5 years apart in age. Or the same age. So @BillySpain's comments are a bit daft really.

Also, I found it an odd comment that an older man will be controlling as he thinks he is 'always right.' That's not an age thing at all. Some people do talk such tosh!

@1992serpent

You may as well just continue anyway OP. As women get older, we lose our beauty.

@1992serpent

You may as well just continue anyway OP. As women get older, we lose our beauty.

Speak for yourself missus!

I am still very attractive. As are MANY women who are 40+!

It's a myth/absolute bollocks that men age better than women. Do they fuck!

I didnt say men age better than women. Just that men want to be with a woman that is forever early 20's.

When you're out and about and you catch a man looking at another woman, it's not a 40 something, it's a 20 something. Lots of women on here have even said that they become invisible at a certain age. I personally think it's best not to be in denial about these things.

Also, I found it an odd comment that an older man will be controlling as he thinks he is 'always right.' That's not an age thing at all. Some people do talk such tosh!

I was talking about my own experience and this is what happened in my case - the age difference was part of the reason I didn’t have a voice. I joined a situation where ex was already established and we were never on an equal footing.

I got out of an emotionally abusive marriage after years of struggling with it, my own lived experience of being with an older person is not “absolute tosh”. Yes he may have been abusive whatever his age, but his dominant position in the household was in part due to the age gap between us.

@whatshalliget

Also, I found it an odd comment that an older man will be controlling as he thinks he is 'always right.' That's not an age thing at all. Some people do talk such tosh!

I was talking about my own experience and this is what happened in my case - the age difference was part of the reason I didn’t have a voice. I joined a situation where ex was already established and we were never on an equal footing.

I got out of an emotionally abusive marriage after years of struggling with it, my own lived experience of being with an older person is not “absolute tosh”. Yes he may have been abusive whatever his age, but his dominant position in the household was in part due to the age gap between us.

My comment was not aimed at any particular poster.

A number of posters suggested men who are older would be more controlling/bossy, and be know-alls. When their age is nothing to do with it. A man the same age as you is just as likely to be like this.

You even said yourself earlier in this thread, that your DH was probably like this anyway! Ergo, it was nothing to with his age. So yeah, it's tosh that an older man will automatically be more bossy and controlling!

@1992serpent

I didn't say men age better than women. Just that men want to be with a woman that is forever early 20's.

I want to be with Zac Efron, or Leonardo DiCaprio, or Chris Hemsworth, but it ain't gonna happen.

When you're out and about and you catch a man looking at another woman, it's not a 40 something, it's a 20 something.

The type of middle aged men you're on about are deluded. They have it in their heads that they still look, act, and SEEM like they're 28 years old, and that attractive young 20-something women will fancy them. They don't. Most women that age recoil and throw up a little in their mouth when a man old enough to be their dad leers at them and tried to chat them up.

Yeah there are a few middle aged men (45-60) who are very attractive and have a lot to offer a younger woman, but they are few and far between, and they will certainly not be chasing after women. The women will come to them.

Also, do you not think middle aged women think younger MEN are more attractive? Many of them do. A man of 25 to 38-ish is more physically appealing to many middle aged women, than men who are middle aged and older.

However, the difference is, that the vast majority of middle aged women don't try it on with these young men, and assume they still look 27, and have a chance with them. Unlike middle aged men who are totally deluded, and think they have a chance with attractive 20-something women.

The older person doesn’t always die first though, old age can be a bit of a lottery. My Mum was year older than my Dad, sadly she died age 54.

I want to be with Zac Efron, or Leonardo DiCaprio, or Chris Hemsworth, but it ain't gonna happen

I'm there with you. If a man turns my head he's usually mid 20's.

the difference is, that the vast majority of middle aged women don't try it on with these young men, and assume they still look 27, and have a chance with them. Unlike middle aged men who are totally deluded, and think they have a chance with attractive 20-something women

Yea, the difference is that men are more likely to act towards their object of desire- it's a part of the male psych. It's not socially acceptable for a woman to let at a good looking man, whereas males are not able to restrain their urges to the extent that women are able to. Men cannot separate fantasy from reality, women are much more better at it.

This is not a thing.

All I can say is that I am 50 and would not entertain a man who is 30 (too close to my son's age group), but would entirely entertain a man of 70.

It's atavistic.

@yeswell

All I can say is that I am 50 and would not entertain a man who is 30 (too close to my son's age group), but would entirely entertain a man of 70.

It's atavistic.

Its hardly atavistic if you're 50! You're unlikely to reproduce.

I think the opposite - I wouldn't consider a man of 62 at 50. I'd consider a 38 year old and in fact did have a relationship with a man 12 years younger. It was bliss and I was silly to let him go.

This thread is horrible.

I think you're going to get a lot of people who are against age gaps here, by the looks of it.There are good and bad examples, as in every relationship.

My experience is very positive (I'm older), compared to my ex who was a year older than me and horribly abusive, having literal tantrums in public when I asked him to stop being childish (and I do mean running off crying and the like).

Really, OP, a good relationship is a good relationship, whatever the ages involved.

I'd personally be repelled by a man of 38 at the age I am now - but if it floats someone else's boat, that's fine.

So it’s a fairly even split with opinions

16 years between me and DH. If I'd met him a year earlier it wouldn't have worked. 4 years on and we have a beautiful family and a wonderful life together. The future is a bit scary when you think of practicalities but I'd rather have spent 20 years with someone perfect and wonderful, than 40 years with someone that's the right age but not right for me. Go with your gut. If it works it works. You're not 17 or vulnerable. Plus, I always think, either of us could be hit by a bus tomorrow, so what's the point in worrying about 50 years time?

I'm 31 and my hubby is 49. We hardly ever think of the age gap. We were friends first and it was never an issue then either.

If you love the person and are on the same page as each other then age should never be an issue.

Not at the moment but maybe when you're 60 and he's 72. There is an 8 year age gap between my parents and I know that there are times when my mum finds it hard and has to remember that dad is older than she is. If you truly love him it shouldn't matter but if you need to ask mumsnet then maybe it does already...

Not at the moment but maybe when you're 60 and he's 72.
Nope, I'm 49 and my DH is 68 and I still fancy him, have a right laugh , same interests etc.

@MariaK91 I just sent you a pm

DH is 16 years older than me. I've never really noticed a difference but now he's 68 he's suddenly become an ”old man” in attitude.

It's not easy sometimes.

Some 30 year olds are still living with their parents going on lads/girls holidays away at every opportunity and going clubbing (at least pre covid) twice a week. Some have children in secondary schools, mortgages and sucessful careers. If you're at the same stages in your lives and get on the age difference should be fine.

There's a bigger one between me and DH and we're very happy. Together for 6, married for 3.