12 year age gap

[Granolaslice]

He’s 43, I’m 31.

Is it too large an age gap?

DP and I have an almost 19 year age gap. We have been judged but it works well for us. We learn things from each other, can share in each other's hobbies and interests. However, before we got together we sat down and had a real, honest discussion about how we saw our lives progressing. It was far from a romantic beginning, but was entirely necessary for us to see if we would be compatible, ultimately.

You can’t live your life on what’s ifs.

Quite. If my DH dropped dead tomorrow I would still have had 30 years of a very happy marriage not one second of which I regret.

It’s not! However, I must admit that I started to feel the age difference with my DH recently and our gap is twice smaller. Nothing critical at the moment, just thoughts about employment, having more children and health. I think I sound a bit mean but that’s the reality.

I know a couple and there age gap is between 12-14 years she's 32 I believe and he's around 44-46 they have had two kids together, from what I understand they are happy together, so really in that situation it depends on the couple.

I am not living my life on 'what if's' That is my point. I jumped straight in and all was hunky dory for over a decade and a DC together.

I got married to an older man, at 65 he completely changed. 'Coup de vieux' as they say in France, it is the truth. He seemed to have a completely different outlook on life. I have a few older male friends, nice as they are, they are a different generation with diferent views.

OBVIOUSLY to the PP who got my opinon deleted this is not ALL men.

If you are only 10 years younger you will be have your 'coup de vieux' at more or less the same time and will not notice it so much.

12 years difference plus, I predict difficulties further down the line.

Agree with PP about controlling behaviour.

I think it's a big gap.
I'm not a fan of more than 5 years.

For some men it can be about control, being dominant and patriarchal.

I definitely believe some men like younger women for the above reasons.

In my experience of large age gap relationships, this is what I have seen.

Not abusive, but definitely "boss of the house".

Certainly wouldn't be for me.

I also think some of these men couldn't hack a relationship with an equal, they need to feel like the superior adult.

It all depends on the type of relationship you want.

I'm sure there are loads who have great may/December relationships but for me, I would be wary.

Good luck.

@BillieSpain
I'm the older one, I'll be 50 next year and dh will only be 38.
However he has a chronic health condition and while fit and reasonably healthy now, he's unlikely to remain that way when he's older and his life expectancy is less than the average.
Each individual situation is different.
My grandparents were exactly the same age but sadly my grandmother died aged 52, nobody knows what life holds.

And in a much shallower context, he's bloody gorgeous and I can't deny I find him way more attractive than men my own age!

Nope. I’m 28, partner 41. Been together since we were 20 and 33. Never been a problem. Our age gap and never causes problems. His siblings are my age so that probably helps!

18 years between my and my OH

I think it's OK if you either don't want more kids together, or if you do want kids and are prepared to move fairly quickly.

If you are thinking about kids but it would end up being many years in the future....it could end up being a little tough because he would end up being a parent to teenagers in his retirement years.

No. Myself and dp have a larger age gap.

38 is not 65 plus!! I am talking about further down the line. Neither you nor your DH are old! My poiont is all was fabulous 100% unntil 65 ish. This is what I am trying to say, the age gap reared it's head only then.

Hope your DH does well

I do agree with @billy1966. I have had to face a few facts about why my husband wanted to marry a younger woman and not one who was his equal in age.

To add to my last post. I can’t see what issue it poses. We were both in similar positions. Both wanting to settle down. I was 20, him 33. I’m already had a child living in my own place, he was living with his mum after coming out of a long term relationship with someone who never wanted to truly and settle and have kids, he did.

I always read that sometimes growing up in a different time period affects a relationship. There’s odd things I don’t get (like tv shows from the 80’s and him with what I grew up with on tv 🤣). Tv is about the only thing we often don’t know what each other are talking about!

We even went to the same shcool (obviously not at the same time) so can talk about teachers at our school as many were the same.

Our age gap has never been an issue. I’m not saying this, there really hasn’t been any major issues. I’ve always been older than my years!

I’ve just read a post that the older person can act like the boss of the house. In our relationship I can assure you this is not the case and I am the bossy one despite being younger 🤣

If it's ok with you OP. I personally wouldn't go for someone over 35 and I'm 28 years old.

@PixelatedLunchbox my view of the rule is to disapprove relationships such as most of Mick Jagger's over the last 30 years or so. Or Woody Allen.

It's a no thanks for me.
But you do what you feel is right. Doesnt matter what we say 😊.
It might only be a thing if you wanna have more kids in the future.

@JacobReesMogadishu

Depends I think on peoples outlook. Overall I’d say no, it’s not too big an age gap. However I do think age gaps get more of an issue as you get older. I’m mid 40s, dh is late 50s. He’s looking at retiring in the next couple of years. I have 15-20 years of working life to go. He won’t have anyone at home to share his retirement with. Chances are I will spend my retirement either caring for him or alone if he’s died. Which is a bit depression and not something I thought about 20 years ago.

DH is 74, I'm 59. He can still walk the pants off me, 25 miles a day easy. Age is a number, people are individuals

You may as well just continue anyway OP. As women get older, we lose our beauty. Men like beauty. I've even accepted that I'll never find someone at my age (28). Its crap, but at least I've got a child and I'm not yearning for another.

Not now. May be when you're 60 and he's 72.

And you get there sooner than you think!

Men at 65 who married younger women are a certain breed, I have discovered to my cost

Could it be you that is the problem?

@1992serpent

You may as well just continue anyway OP. As women get older, we lose our beauty. Men like beauty. I've even accepted that I'll never find someone at my age (28). Its crap, but at least I've got a child and I'm not yearning for another.

Bloody hell x 2

Oh, and I don't think it's anything to do with controlling either. Some men are just genuinely younger than their years.

I do think that old age highlights differences

@1992serpent

You may as well just continue anyway OP. As women get older, we lose our beauty. Men like beauty. I've even accepted that I'll never find someone at my age (28). Its crap, but at least I've got a child and I'm not yearning for another.

Prize for the weirdest post on mumsnet this year, amongst many strong contenders?

How is that weird?

It's TRUE that men value beauty.