12 year age gap

[Granolaslice]

He’s 43, I’m 31.

Is it too large an age gap?

@Nanny0gg

Oh, and I don't think it's anything to do with controlling either. Some men are just genuinely younger than their years.

I do think that old age highlights differences

This is another incredibly weird one @GreenlandTheMovie! These age gap threads bring out some of the most weird people on mumsnet IMO. Most age-gap relationships involve an older man with at least a decade younger woman. And after seeing al these posts here, I don’t wonder why.

I wouldn’t go there, because of the kids thing. Only four years older than my DH, here, and it’s been hard enough.

@1992serpent

How is that weird?

It's TRUE that men value beauty.

I wonder if at 28 you are so lost and have given up, what will you be like at 48?

@IsadoraDuncanDonuts

I wouldn’t go there, because of the kids thing. Only four years older than my DH, here, and it’s been hard enough.

Sorry, I read it the other way round, that you were older. Much more likely to be OK, if he’s the older one.

Lost? Lost in what?

I'll be single at 48. I would have my friends for company.

My husband is 12 years older than me. No issues, but we had children straight away. I wouldn't want a bigger age gap though.

It’s not eyebrow raising and is pretty normal as an age gap.

However, at a similar age (29/41) I couldn’t bring myself to it.

I was travelling, getting my career sorted by studying for a postgrad, having a great single life. He’d hit 40, realised he was all alone and was desperate for a “nice girl” to marry and impregnate ASAP. I’m 36 now and childless and have some regrets but I would have been happier with someone my own age and who was on the same timeline as me. I had a great time in my late 20s/early 30s and have zero regrets. As much as I would have loved children by now, having a few in quick succession and having to give up on my careers and dreams to suit his biological clock wasn’t an attractive prospect. There was also an imbalance and a shallowness about it. I was very young looking (looked early 20s), very slim, “pretty” and his family and him were only bothered about my youth/looks/figure, not my personality, brains, career or achievements. He had a good career, own home and I guess thought he could buy me and didn’t see me as his equal.

There was a year age gap with my ex who I started dating not long after. We had similar points of reference, outlook, timeline and our relationship was one of peers. Not imbalance.

I’m 25, my partner is 48 - together just over a year and happy as Larry.
I am stable and financially independent without him and I have no ‘daddy issues’ just to cover all bases which are normally brought up by people in conversation 😂😂!

Enjoy the relationship and don’t focus on the age, the only time we do is when he will occasionally say something is older than me in jest 😜😁

@1992serpent

Lost? Lost in what?

I'll be single at 48. I would have my friends for company.

I am sorry it have written such a vague post. But I can’t write anything coherent without a very large coffee because your post was so unnerving. you are a young woman, have life ahead of you. Why have you given up like this?

@nosswith

It is within the half plus seven rule so OK on those grounds.

Which is a silly "rule" and should not be applied to real people.

I couldn't have such a big age gap, i would think of things like him retiring 12 years earlier than you, you'll still be working when it should be time spent together. By the time you retire say at 65, he'll be 77.

I think big age gaps become more obvious in older age, i personally always wanted to be with someone who is basically same age.

@CrazyCatLazy
In the nicest possible way, why would anyone keep living with issues if they figured they had issues?

I have a 7 year gap with my husband and I do
Notice it more now than I used to. I’m currently 43 and he is 49 and talks a lot about being 50 next year and being 50 feels such a long way off for me!!

No I think it's fine.

It's much, much more about life stages than age. So, for example, 12 years' gap when one of you is 21 and the other is 33 is a very different thing - one person probably ready to settle down a bit more, think about kids - the other literally just into the party years.

You however - you're definitely into the settled period - you have a child. He's still in that phase I'd say. If you want more children, you're still young enough - if it was the other way around, that might be an issue - a younger man who will probably want a family at some point getting together with a woman in her early 40s would be more of an issue.

I would say the only fly in the ointment is if you do want more children and he, at 43, is quite sure that he actually doesn't want any, ever. I'd make sure you're on the same page with this.

How is that weird?

It's TRUE that men value beauty.

@1992serpent

It’s weird because:

• women also value looks

• men “lose” their looks as much as women do, and often women look after themselves better in middle age and look better than their male peers

• at 28 you are nowhere near having “lost” your looks by any stretch of the imagination

[quote Thewithesarehere]@CrazyCatLazy
In the nicest possible way, why would anyone keep living with issues if they figured they had issues?[/quote]
Sorry I’m not sure what you mean?
I said I have no issues.

It’s a comment I’ve heard about other couples with large age gaps, people assume they are looking for a father figure which is absolutely not why I am with my DP.

@1992serpent
Dh has been told by his friends that he's punching way above his weight, I look after myself and look good for my age, so dh would heartily disagree with you!!!

Why have you given up like this?

Look, this is just my experience, but men my age (even much older men) would rather be with someone in their early 20s. I've noticed that the only men who give me attention are 40 year olds and it makes me squirm. But, men usually go for younger women and you can see this globally and historically. There must be something biological in it.

I also have very high standards after leaving an abuser, and I know that nobody is perfect, however I'm just terrified of meeting a sexist prick again who enjoys treating me as the house and sex slave.

I don't need to be with an man anyway. I value my independence and I wouldn't want another man to take that away from me again.

[quote BillieSpain]@Littlefluffyclouds13 see above post, it is about age gap relationshipe only.

Also PP's are correct, you will be a widow or a carer,

Not NOW, LATER on.[/quote]
You can end up a widow or a carer at any age. I was a carer at 39 and a widow at 40. Cancer didn't ask my husband how old he was, it just took him
Go for it OP. If he makes you happy that's all that matters

*It’s weird because:

• women also value looks

• men “lose” their looks as much as women do, and often women look after themselves better in middle age and look better than their male peers

• at 28 you are nowhere near having “lost” your looks by any stretch of the imagination*

I think men value looks more so than women. It's a bit cliched, but women still get with ugly guys for their money so women go for a man's resources more than his looks. I get you though, some men are clearly very handsome but you wouldn't get lots of women throwing themselves at a good looking guy the way they would a rich man.

Nope.

15yrs between DH and me. Married with 2DC and happy!

@Nanny0gg

Oh, and I don't think it's anything to do with controlling either. Some men are just genuinely younger than their years.

I do think that old age highlights differences

People age at different rates though. People can end up carers to their spouse even if they are the same age.

@Granolaslice how long have you been together? How is he in the relationship with your DS?

@Thewithesarehere

Eh?

@CounsellorTroi

Nothing to do with becoming a carer.

I just find that men in their 70s/80s are much older in every way than women 10 years younger.
Not something to be dismissed.

I think in your 30s-50s the gap isn't that noticeable. Then it is