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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not taking on the mental load at Christmas - can I hold out?

137 replies

SlayDuggee · 20/12/2020 06:50

Like many women I do most/all of the prep, shopping, hosting, mental load for Christmas. DH is also tight and will easily let me pay for everything without thinking to reimburse me. This year I’ve taken a 15k pay cut so I can’t afford to! I take minimal holiday at Christmas as DH seems to think that him being on holiday means that he doesn’t need lift a finger as he is on holiday forgetting that other people are also on holiday (like me) and would actually like to sit down or have some leisure time as well.

This is meant to be lighthearted. I’m fed up of DHs general laziness and just expecting me to run around non-stop and make things happen.

This year I have -

  • done an online Tesco to be delivered on Tuesday but invariably some things will be forgotten/missing so DH will need to go to the supermarket
Not bought lots of Christmas cards - DH normally panics Christmas morning and uses all of mine for his family. He has forgotten he won’t be seeing them so would need to post them as well. Not bought any presents for his side of the family. Normally, I end I buy all the presents for my side of the family and at least 50% for his as I pick up things as I go along. DH has never bought a single present for anyone in my family. DH normally panic buys his presents on Xmas eve for everyone. Bought some presents for DD and DS. DH hasn’t bought anything yet. Previous years he’s said DC don’t need presents at Christmas as they are only young (yet he expect presents in his 40’s) Not spent all weekend getting the house spotlessly clean - considering I do 95% of the childcare and housework I simply don’t have time.

AIBU to inwardly chuckle to myself that I’m going to trot off to work from Monday to Wednesday leaving our two children with DH and his done zero Christmas prep himself. I may also take a leaf out of DHs book and loudly comment on how tired/exhausted I am whilst asking what’s for dinner and demanding to know why the house is a tip as he has been at home all day.

OP posts:
Original poster
SlayDuggee · 20/12/2020 06:54

Also, his parents are still planning on coming for Christmas Day (Tier 2 area) and the most of his family live within a 15 minute walk away so he we will still be expected to exchange presents (we can just knock and hand over presents)

OP posts:
CrotchBurn · 20/12/2020 06:55

Good for you - but dont you want to think about tackling the money issue? It's not right that your husband makes you pay for everything

violetbunny · 20/12/2020 06:55

Good for you, OP. I salute you!

inquietant · 20/12/2020 06:57

You say this is light-hearted but it sounds pretty from that you're usually doing all this and paying for it. YANBU to stop doing so much.

inquietant · 20/12/2020 06:57

From = grim

Original poster
SlayDuggee · 20/12/2020 07:05

I used to earn more than DH but we are now on roughly the same salary now. I find that when I’m on mat leave DH thinks I should be do everything as he is the one that is ‘working’. I’m now back at work and working full time. After my last maternity I found it took a good 12 month of tough love and drumming into him that he had arms, legs and a brain and he wasn’t the only one who was tired after working 40 hours per week

OP posts:
bananabob · 20/12/2020 07:09

Good for you OP 👍🏻 please hold out and update us on how it goes 😂

TheRaccoon · 20/12/2020 07:15

Ahh this sounds like it’s going to be fun to watch unfold! Is he aware that you’ve not done those things or has he just not asked?

ThePoetsWife · 20/12/2020 07:34

And you're still with him because?

CrotchBurn · 20/12/2020 07:38

WHY does he make you pay for everything and why do you accept that??!

PompeyBez · 20/12/2020 07:38

Good for you OP! Please keep us posted!

AdultHumanFemale · 20/12/2020 07:47

Good for you!
Oh, and can people refrain from posting rudely to the OP along the lines of "your DP is shit / why are you with him"; it's not constructive and likely not what OP came for. Sounds like she's got the measure of him.

ArtCatsPlants · 20/12/2020 07:50

Ah this is going to be interesting Grin. Please keep us updated on how things go. I can imagine by the time you return from work on Wednesday he may have had a light bulb moment and start panicking. Hold your ground though and don't rush around Christmas eve on his behalf!

winterbabythistime · 20/12/2020 07:50

I know you said this is lighthearted but I'd be really annoyed if dh treated me like this.

Original poster
SlayDuggee · 20/12/2020 08:03

Oh don’t worry he will be drummed back into shape by June Wink.

DHs family have the measure of him as well so that helps.

It was a few years ago I suggested that since PILs were retired we should be really hosting them rather than them hosting us. It genuine didn’t dawn on him that his parents may want to put their feet up and that hosting everyone for Christmas is very expensive especially when you are living on a state pension!

OP posts:
Original poster
SlayDuggee · 20/12/2020 08:05

Oh don’t worry I’m taking a bubble bath atm before DC wake up. On Friday when work finished an hour early I went to get my nails done instead of rushing home immediately.

OP posts:
NotOfThisWorld · 20/12/2020 08:17

Good for you. I bloody love this!

FTM91 · 20/12/2020 08:17

Don't blame you at all OP.

Last few Christmases I have bought all gifts for DM from me and DB. Either paid for it all or taken a small contribution from him (he is 6 years younger, student or poorly paid graduate job so have been happy to it to help him out) DM doesn't know this obviously.

However after a few instances where I have realised that he will always be the bloody golden child and I will always be in the wrong, no matter how much I bend over backwards to make people happy at Christmas and other times, this year I have got her an excellent selection of gifts, wrapped, labelled with love from ME and sent in the post to the country she lives well in time for Christmas.

I know it's petty but I don't care. He's old enough to sort himself out now!

NaturalStudy · 20/12/2020 08:19

Bravo OP. I now do this to my DP, particularly in respect of birthday presents for his side of the family. This year he forgot it was his niece's birthday. I spoke with her mum and arranged to go over for a mini party and bought her a present etc. My DP's face was priceless when we arrived at their house to see balloons etc. and he realised he had forgotten and thought I hadn't sorted anything out. I'm hoping a few of these experiences will encourage him to do it himself.

SebastianTheCrab · 20/12/2020 08:42

I don't think YABU but I do think it's desperately sad that we women are in this position all the fucking time. My DH is slowly getting better after a lot of conversations about it but how the fuck are we in this situation at all?

I also think that you need to explain to him at some point - maybe after - how much work it is and how much there is to organize and to do.

Not in a quick-convo-by-the-sink way but, if Covid ever permits, get a babysitter, book lunch and go and have an actual "meeting" to discuss it.

I also highly suggest reading Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, who is all about redistributing the domestic load.

SebastianTheCrab · 20/12/2020 08:43

@NaturalStudy

Bravo OP. I now do this to my DP, particularly in respect of birthday presents for his side of the family. This year he forgot it was his niece's birthday. I spoke with her mum and arranged to go over for a mini party and bought her a present etc. My DP's face was priceless when we arrived at their house to see balloons etc. and he realised he had forgotten and thought I hadn't sorted anything out. I'm hoping a few of these experiences will encourage him to do it himself.

The problem is isn't it just training him that he doesn't need to remember because you'll pick up the slack?

OhamIreally · 20/12/2020 08:43

@NaturalStudy surely that will teach him the opposite? That he doesn't need to worry because you will rescue him?

ChristmasTreeFairy5000 · 20/12/2020 08:47

Shamelessly place marking for when the turkey doesn't turn up

linerforlife · 20/12/2020 08:48

I have done the same with regards to not buying presents for his family. I have bought them cards but am leaving for him to write and post... they will likely not arrive in time now. As for presents... we've just gone into tier 4 so all the shops are shut and his parents come Christmas Day as they're our support bubble. I am starting to feel very stressed that their feelings will be hurt that "we" haven't got them a present. I am not sure I can hold out and may have to order something online but will it get here in time?? Confused OP I salute you!!!

NaturalStudy · 20/12/2020 08:49

I see your point, but he had the feeling of dread when he realised and had apologised to his brother and sister in law for forgetting his niece's birthday and had seen their reactions, before I said that I had sorted it. So I think that was enough of a shock and embarrassment for him. We'll wait and see!

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