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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not taking on the mental load at Christmas - can I hold out?

137 replies

SlayDuggee · 20/12/2020 06:50

Like many women I do most/all of the prep, shopping, hosting, mental load for Christmas. DH is also tight and will easily let me pay for everything without thinking to reimburse me. This year I’ve taken a 15k pay cut so I can’t afford to! I take minimal holiday at Christmas as DH seems to think that him being on holiday means that he doesn’t need lift a finger as he is on holiday forgetting that other people are also on holiday (like me) and would actually like to sit down or have some leisure time as well.

This is meant to be lighthearted. I’m fed up of DHs general laziness and just expecting me to run around non-stop and make things happen.

This year I have -

  • done an online Tesco to be delivered on Tuesday but invariably some things will be forgotten/missing so DH will need to go to the supermarket
Not bought lots of Christmas cards - DH normally panics Christmas morning and uses all of mine for his family. He has forgotten he won’t be seeing them so would need to post them as well. Not bought any presents for his side of the family. Normally, I end I buy all the presents for my side of the family and at least 50% for his as I pick up things as I go along. DH has never bought a single present for anyone in my family. DH normally panic buys his presents on Xmas eve for everyone. Bought some presents for DD and DS. DH hasn’t bought anything yet. Previous years he’s said DC don’t need presents at Christmas as they are only young (yet he expect presents in his 40’s) Not spent all weekend getting the house spotlessly clean - considering I do 95% of the childcare and housework I simply don’t have time.

AIBU to inwardly chuckle to myself that I’m going to trot off to work from Monday to Wednesday leaving our two children with DH and his done zero Christmas prep himself. I may also take a leaf out of DHs book and loudly comment on how tired/exhausted I am whilst asking what’s for dinner and demanding to know why the house is a tip as he has been at home all day.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 20/12/2020 23:12

He's clearly not given xmas a second thought so far, has he?

Lancrelady80 · 20/12/2020 23:20

My theory is that when you have children, partners see you in Mummy mode. So then something flips in their subconscious and men who functioned perfectly well as adults previously somehow don't have to bother because "Mummy" will do it. Throw in maternity leave and stay at home mums who do more than their fair share of housework, cooking etc as they are at home whilst partner is out working so really it IS fair, and then we're stuck in a land where Mummy holds the family together come what may. And of course we don't want to let the kids down, so we cover for their sorry arses.

Really want to know how this pans out!

nowishtofly · 20/12/2020 23:44

Well done OP, this is the best way to ensure you are not left doing it all. It's not unreasonable to expect him to buy gifts for his family or to pick up any bits and pieces needed to the Xmas dinner if you are working and he is not in the run up. Step back, enjoy the show.

TDMN · 20/12/2020 23:53

@madcatladyforever

I cannot wait to see what happens here. Do keep us posted. I didn't do anything one year (long after my son left home) literally not one thing. Christmas day turns up and my ex husband said, what's happening today then, is there dinner or anything. I said I don't know have you cooked anything, bought any gifts? He looked at me as if I'd suddenly sprouted three heads and spent the day upstairs, doing what I don't know. We didn't celebrate christmas again until we got divorced. He just was not prepared to make the effort for even one single year. He came down later that day to cook himself dinner but unfortunately there was no food in the house and all the shops were shut. Asked me where all the food was. I said I didn't know - did he not think to take a look in the fridge freezer before the day. He was stunned. I wanted him to understand what an enormous amount of work christmas was for me and he just had not the faintest idea. He hadn't bought me a gift that year as usual, but still had the nerve me if I'd bought him anything, I said no. He's asked me to buy him something that cost £300 and I just thought fuck that, I never get anything from him I'm just not doing it. That christmas I knew it was over - the gormless look on his face when there was no christmas said it all for me.
You are BRILLIANT and this story is even better knowing you divorced him after it!!
Original poster
SlayDuggee · 21/12/2020 06:20

He didn’t used to be this useless. He one of these men who were perfectly capable who suddenly became incapable as soon as a baby popped out my vagina.

We did have a small amount of movement yesterday. I took DD back to the car as she was over tired. DH was in B&M and completely spontaneously thought we might need a tablecloth , napkins and various boxes of chocolates for Christmas.

OP posts:
edwardson · 21/12/2020 08:30

@SlayDuggee

He didn’t used to be this useless. He one of these men who were perfectly capable who suddenly became incapable as soon as a baby popped out my vagina.

We did have a small amount of movement yesterday. I took DD back to the car as she was over tired. DH was in B&M and completely spontaneously thought we might need a tablecloth , napkins and various boxes of chocolates for Christmas.

Success! It's working! Well done OP. Watching with interest to see how this pans out Smile
Original poster
SlayDuggee · 21/12/2020 18:50

No progress today. Got home and the dishwasher wasn’t loaded and there isn’t a single clean plate in the house. The rule in our house is that if you cook dinner then the other person clears up and loads/unloads the dishwasher. I’ve cooked all weekend and DH didn’t bother to load the dishwasher.

Rang DH after work to tell him I was leaving work and walking past Tesco and didn’t he need me to get anything for dinner or any nappies. DH says no. I get home and there no dinner and about 3 nappies left.

I found DH and the kids at his parents so I asked him what he had been up to today and he said nothing. I’m guessing he loafed around all morning then he dropped the kids at his parents and went B&Q to buy a piece of skirting board.

I’m silently seething as he’s done near enough fuck all, and palmed the kids off on his parents.

DH saw my face and he’s scuttled off to cook dinner.

OP posts:
moita · 21/12/2020 18:57

YANBU I have done the same regarding my DH's family. SIL always sends me a list of presents we can get for DN (!) I replied this year saying 'thank you, I've forwarded this onto DH' Usually I'd be sorting the gifts out.

We're in tier 4 now so no sorting out guests for Christmas day.

Moirasrose · 21/12/2020 19:22

I buy the kids stuff but to be fair he does wrap them. He’s FT at work and I’m PT (we have kids with special needs). I refuse to buy for his family. If he wants to sort cards and presents great but I’m not doing it. Sadly I realised too late on that his mother had basically run around after him and so although he was a good adult in some sense, he was shit in some areas (he can’t be bothered cleaning and won’t hire in a cleaner).

Original poster
SlayDuggee · 22/12/2020 10:18

I’m still holding firm here. Last night DH took two hours to cook dinner. By the time it was served everyone was cranky, tired and practically fainting with hunger.

Tesco shop is arriving today.

DD has nursery today. I wonder if DH will do any Christmas shopping or housework?

I have a strange feeling that our wifi is going to stop working in about 3 minutes time Grin

OP posts:
PrincessNutNutRoast · 22/12/2020 11:21

Last night DH took two hours to cook dinner.

What did he make?? He didn't even get started until about 7, didn't he?

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 22/12/2020 11:40

Urgh.
I'd be off after this Xmas op.

violetbunny · 22/12/2020 19:34

What a useless waste of space. I hope you have words with him after Xmas. Shape up or ship out!

Thorilicious · 22/12/2020 20:05

Keep it up OP. Also, love your name! Is it after the band?

TH22 · 22/12/2020 20:10

I'm really enjoying this thread too!

OP you are my hero!

Sh05 · 22/12/2020 20:10

How did it go today? I hope he's pulled himself together and made a move towards getting the gifts sorted.
Do you think he is just hoping you'll get exasperated and do it all for him?

peaceanddove · 22/12/2020 20:16

Oh God, I simply could not bear being married to someone who was tight [shudders]

billy1966 · 22/12/2020 20:16

God OP,
I know its lighthearted but it sounds so utterly miserable.

Sort your contraception out.
How men like your husband are allowed near their wives is beyond me.

I would find them hard to look at, not to mind be touched by them.

So selfish. That's all it is.

No one who demonstrated such little regard for me would get a sniff of marital relations!

whatkatydid2013 · 22/12/2020 20:26

@DougRossIsTheBoss

I think you needed to start his training earlier.

As soon as we got married I made it clear straightaway that he buys for his (massive) family and I buy for mine. I will not remind him about their birthdays (why in the hell would
I know better than him when his own fathers birthday is), I will not send out cards on his behalf. If he forgets I will not accept any blame.

His mum kept trying to direct reminders and gift suggestions at me for years. I forwarded them all to him with no comment cc'ing her until she got the message.
She regards me as 'one of those feminist types' for this outrageous failure of womaning.

This made me laugh. My MIL was forever mentioning things like this to me and I always just mentioned it again when OH came into the room. She’d also console me it must be hard for me to keep the house clean when I was working full time. OH and I would always, always reply yes sometimes it gets on top of us a bit or point out the not done thing was in fact OHs job. She never really got it and in the end I felt like it didn’t matter as she just had a totally different view of life and wasn’t about to change at 70
Craiglang · 22/12/2020 20:35

OP, you are my hero.

Although I refuse to plan/buy presents for DH's family (which means they don't get any), I'm still stuck with the bulk of the work. I think next year I'll make myself busy for the week leading up to Christmas just to see what happens. It's not as if he exists in a vacuum; he knows what needs to be done but just assumes I'll do it all.

Cauterize · 22/12/2020 20:40

Mine also hasn't bought presents for his family. I've reminded him multiple times, latest this morning and still he hasn't bothered.

I feel really bad for them but I refuse to step in due to his own damn laziness and thoughtlessness.

Original poster
SlayDuggee · 22/12/2020 20:47

We have had some improvement in the last 24 hours

DH managed to unload and load the dishwasher

He nipped to the shops an bought some nappies

He dropped DD off at nursery and picked her up (half day).

He managed to buy DM, DF and DB a Christmas present.

He picked DD up from nursery. DD then said she wanted to go to the beach so the three of them (DH, DD and DS) went to the beach for an hour. On the way back he text me and asked if I needed picking up from work.

The Tesco shop did arrive with everything minus the Turkey roasting tin and turkey foil

OP posts:
Original poster
SlayDuggee · 22/12/2020 20:49

I’ve also bought a family planner calendar which I’m planning on putting up on the kitchen so DH can’t claim ignorance about not knowing about anything even though I put everything in his phone calendar anyway but he just can’t be bothered to look

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 22/12/2020 20:51

Excellent work. Please let us know how spectacularly he falls on his face!

Isthisit22 · 22/12/2020 20:52

Not sure how anyone can be enjoying this thread.
There's no way my husband would treat me with such contempt. He wouldn't dream of leaving dishes etc for me to do after work as if it was somehow beneath him.
A serious talk is needed. He should want to make life nicer for you. He sounds like he loves himself much more and has little regard for you