Not taking on the mental load at Christmas - can I hold out?

[SlayDuggee]

Like many women I do most/all of the prep, shopping, hosting, mental load for Christmas. DH is also tight and will easily let me pay for everything without thinking to reimburse me. This year I’ve taken a 15k pay cut so I can’t afford to! I take minimal holiday at Christmas as DH seems to think that him being on holiday means that he doesn’t need lift a finger as he is on holiday forgetting that other people are also on holiday (like me) and would actually like to sit down or have some leisure time as well.

This is meant to be lighthearted. I’m fed up of DHs general laziness and just expecting me to run around non-stop and make things happen.

This year I have -

• done an online Tesco to be delivered on Tuesday but invariably some things will be forgotten/missing so DH will need to go to the supermarket

Not bought lots of Christmas cards - DH normally panics Christmas morning and uses all of mine for his family. He has forgotten he won’t be seeing them so would need to post them as well. Not bought any presents for his side of the family. Normally, I end I buy all the presents for my side of the family and at least 50% for his as I pick up things as I go along. DH has never bought a single present for anyone in my family. DH normally panic buys his presents on Xmas eve for everyone. Bought some presents for DD and DS. DH hasn’t bought anything yet. Previous years he’s said DC don’t need presents at Christmas as they are only young (yet he expect presents in his 40’s) Not spent all weekend getting the house spotlessly clean - considering I do 95% of the childcare and housework I simply don’t have time.

AIBU to inwardly chuckle to myself that I’m going to trot off to work from Monday to Wednesday leaving our two children with DH and his done zero Christmas prep himself. I may also take a leaf out of DHs book and loudly comment on how tired/exhausted I am whilst asking what’s for dinner and demanding to know why the house is a tip as he has been at home all day.

I get this is meant to be funny but Jesus it's not. How can you live like that? Why do you need to plan and scheme all the different ways to make your husband act like an ordinary adult man? I would not find this amusing or cute. I feel bad for anyone in this situation.

And I dont know that you can talk, train or shame a man into respecting you. Or that you should have to. It's not your job, he should just do it.

Don’t do the family calendar. Why should you put info in two bloody places.

I am hard core on this crap but then I had non-sleeping multi vomiting twins which meant Mat leave was survival and there was no mothering of my DH. Then no3 turned up.

It’s daddy daycare here today and tomorrow as our nanny has broken COVID restrictions to go home for Christmas (don’t 🤨 me I wasn’t going to leave her in a flat on her own for 10 days). I’m working from home and other than coming to find his phone cos I’d stolen it I wasn’t bothered all day and had dinner cooked for me (even though I do 99% of the cooking). He earns more than me (although not significantly more if I was full time) but is v senior in a billy big bollwcks industry. But they are his kids and I am busy so he gets on with it.

Hold firm!

I'm so glad I'm single. Christmas without the simmering resentment.

Op I love this.
I was going to ask if I could send my DH for training but I think id prefer to come and learn from the master and drum him into submission myself 😂

This year I told DH in June that he is organising Christmas, as the fact I do it every year (totally unassisted - we both work in full on jobs) sets a terrible example for our children. I told him I would speak to other family members about gifts and give him a list of gifts for my side of the family, would help with menu planning, and would do the dishes on Christmas Day but that was it.

To his credit, he has stepped up and sorted out logistics with our family (we are in a part of Australia where no travel or gathering restrictions apply), ordered food, organise stockings for the children and bought and wrapped gifts, and is planning to help cook, set the table and serve food and drink on the day. No decorations, Christmas baking or tree in our house this year though.

He has been a bit taken aback by just how much work is involved, even for his slightly 'scaled down' version of Christmas.

I am loving it, never been so relaxed. Next year I'm hoping we can share the load equally without me having to direct operations or constantly ask for his assistance.

Another one glad to be single.
Couldn't be doing with babying or training a grown man.
My 11yo can load a dishwasher and nip to the shops for things. .its not an achievement or something to celebrate in a adult.
My 11yo son will be doing his fair share of prep for the dinner and he went out and got presents for me and his Dad.
My own son i dont mind training.
Someone elses, years too late, no thanks.

I love this thread.

I agree a serious talk is needed (again) but I want to do this after Christmas.

Normally DH does do more (but still not enough). The main problem is that DH likes to take two weeks off at Christmas each year where he likes to do fuck all, as in zero parenting, housework, cooking, etc as he is ‘on holiday’. As a parent you never really get a holiday to do absolutely zero for days and days.

This popped up on my feed this morning and seems to hit nail on head in a simplistic way

Obviously some are worse than others but it just seems to be the natural evolution of a man once he is married

@SlayDuggee

I agree a serious talk is needed (again) but I want to do this after Christmas.

Normally DH does do more (but still not enough). The main problem is that DH likes to take two weeks off at Christmas each year where he likes to do fuck all, as in zero parenting, housework, cooking, etc as he is ‘on holiday’. As a parent you never really get a holiday to do absolutely zero for days and days.

How could he possibly think that two weeks "off" is possible OP? Not blaming you, but why do you do everything for a grown man? And why would you live with someone who doesn't believe that you deserve rest, relaxation and a bit of a break?

I don't think you can fix him. I think you need to look at why you've settled for such a low bar. Sorry, that isn't gentle and it's not the way I'd say it to friends face but it is the truth.

Women need to stop this collusion in thinking this shit is funny and cute and that it's a woman's job to train men like a dog. If he loves and respects you he doesn't sit by idly watching you on your knees with exhaustion. Simple.

@SlayDuggee I think you are on the right track here. I tend to just not do things and then front out any criticism calmly. If I stepped in and did everything it would just be accepted and probably not noticed. So I've carved out stuff that I do and other stuff I just don't. It does mean that I have to accept things not getting done for a while or as I would like.

Totally agree, OP. Parenting means you never get a proper 'holiday' again! Hope he's doing a bit more today?

We appear to have some positive movement.

Yesterday he offered me a lift to work and took me as it was raining.

Went to a nice farm shop bought some nice cheeses and chutneys etc.

Went to Tesco and bought as some more Christmas bits.

Put the skirting board on the wall (but not painted it)

Then picked me from work.

Give the man a medal

Golly, Slayduggee, I am reading your life like my parents used to watch Eastenders! Really really into it hope you had a lovely Christmas and hope you dh gives you a night off from dishes!

Good for you.

But dear God. This sounds tiring...

So how was Christmas?

Did he get everything done? Did you get a present?

I have found this whole thread shocking. DH and I have always shares the Christmas chores from when we first got together. He does all of the food shopping and cooking, and I have done the present buying (after discussing with him what to get his small family), my half of the cards, house decorations etc. On years when one of us has been ill, the other has taken over. This year, I am very ill so he has done virtually everything.

But the point is that this has been going on for more than 30 years! Why are younger women accepting this laziness and entitlement from men now? I just cannot work it out.

I slaved away in the kitchen today just doing the basic chores. Dp woke up and put his game on. He goes to see his parents all day. He comes home I turn around he steps on the dog who makes an awful noise and hes staggering about trying to keep his balance. I go in a c

Omplete sort of shocked panic and try and finish the housework. He won't even look at me just wants to play xbox and talk to his mate on his Xbox. He then insists he can't take the trash out or help with anything while I get something to eat and still won't apologise all because of his Xbox. I play xbox too I have stuff I could always be doing for most of the day but I always stop when he needs something or wants to interrupt me.

Hope that made some sense.

It really doesnt make any sense to me at all why any woman would put up with such lazy entitled behaviour from a man.
Dick is abundant and low value.
I hope to god you're not sleeping with that creature.

You talking to me lol?

Hope you had a lovely Christmas OP!