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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not taking on the mental load at Christmas - can I hold out?

137 replies

SlayDuggee · 20/12/2020 06:50

Like many women I do most/all of the prep, shopping, hosting, mental load for Christmas. DH is also tight and will easily let me pay for everything without thinking to reimburse me. This year I’ve taken a 15k pay cut so I can’t afford to! I take minimal holiday at Christmas as DH seems to think that him being on holiday means that he doesn’t need lift a finger as he is on holiday forgetting that other people are also on holiday (like me) and would actually like to sit down or have some leisure time as well.

This is meant to be lighthearted. I’m fed up of DHs general laziness and just expecting me to run around non-stop and make things happen.

This year I have -

  • done an online Tesco to be delivered on Tuesday but invariably some things will be forgotten/missing so DH will need to go to the supermarket
Not bought lots of Christmas cards - DH normally panics Christmas morning and uses all of mine for his family. He has forgotten he won’t be seeing them so would need to post them as well. Not bought any presents for his side of the family. Normally, I end I buy all the presents for my side of the family and at least 50% for his as I pick up things as I go along. DH has never bought a single present for anyone in my family. DH normally panic buys his presents on Xmas eve for everyone. Bought some presents for DD and DS. DH hasn’t bought anything yet. Previous years he’s said DC don’t need presents at Christmas as they are only young (yet he expect presents in his 40’s) Not spent all weekend getting the house spotlessly clean - considering I do 95% of the childcare and housework I simply don’t have time.

AIBU to inwardly chuckle to myself that I’m going to trot off to work from Monday to Wednesday leaving our two children with DH and his done zero Christmas prep himself. I may also take a leaf out of DHs book and loudly comment on how tired/exhausted I am whilst asking what’s for dinner and demanding to know why the house is a tip as he has been at home all day.

OP posts:
Fedup21 · 20/12/2020 08:50

@NaturalStudy

Bravo OP. I now do this to my DP, particularly in respect of birthday presents for his side of the family. This year he forgot it was his niece's birthday. I spoke with her mum and arranged to go over for a mini party and bought her a present etc. My DP's face was priceless when we arrived at their house to see balloons etc. and he realised he had forgotten and thought I hadn't sorted anything out. I'm hoping a few of these experiences will encourage him to do it himself.
You think that doing it for him will somehow encourage him to do it by himself?!

How bizarre.

TeenPlusTwenties · 20/12/2020 08:53

I think it is a bit unfair for people who have been doing all the load for years to just stop without at least forewarning their partner.

DH and I have various house responsibilities that have evolved over time. If DH suddenly stopped doing some of his and as a result our house insurance ran out or something I'd be pretty annoyed.

If you think the load is unequal you need to be explicit you are stopping in my view.

AppleJane · 20/12/2020 08:54

This is going to be fun. Grabbing the popcorn! Good luck keeping your resolve.

DarlingCoffee · 20/12/2020 08:55

You say this is lighthearted but honestly this would drive me mad. Good for you OP and start as you mean to go on I say.

cptartapp · 20/12/2020 08:56

Placemarking.
But yes, sort your monies out.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 20/12/2020 08:58

This doesnt sound lighthearted. It sounds exhausting and something that will eventually lead to resentment and kill your relationship. It does sound like you're doing the right thing but quite late, and even if he changes I think that doing things because he has to or because you'll be pissed off if he doesn't, isnt the same as someone doing things because it's the right thing to do and they don't think it's fair seeing their partner do anything. Sorry probably not the kind of response you were looking for!

Plussizejumpsuit · 20/12/2020 09:00

Good for you! But some of this stuff regarding his attitude is grim. This needs dealing with too op!

MysweetAudrina · 20/12/2020 09:02

I used to stress myself buy all the family presents. Obviously it is easier to buy presents for your own side of the family as you know their tastes better. Last year dh decided to buy for his own family and this year he forgot he had done this and started giving me suggestions for his side. I reminded him of last year and said I was happy for him to continue in this way. He has surpassed himself and has chosen really thoughtful, personal gifts for his entire family and he was looking v pleased with himself as he sat wrapping them all last night.

Minky37 · 20/12/2020 09:05

I kind of salute you, but how has it got to this stage?
Have you never had a conversation where you say ‘what are we doing about the turkey or what are you buying for X present?
Don’t want to be a killjoy but it would be better to ask and communicate rather than set him up to fail. At least if you openly discuss it then he still forgets / CBA your conscience is clear?

arethereanyleftatall · 20/12/2020 09:05

Good for you, but, but, but, why is this even a thing? It's absolutely absurd isn't it?

Why would you buy his parents presents? Why should you sit there feeling guilty and naughty that you haven't? Does he apply any thought to your parents gifts? Is he panicking that they're not going to get anything?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/12/2020 09:13

I don’t think this is funny, or lighthearted. He’s treating you like an idiot and you’ve gone from treating him like the boss to be appeased or coveted for, to now like a child who needs consequences to stop being so bloody selfish. It’s sad. Sort the division of labour out in your marriage for the whole of the year, Christmas really isn’t that important.

cheesecake864 · 20/12/2020 09:29

I'm going to go against the majority and say I do buy gift and cards for DH and this year I have even bought some of my gifts to help him out.

And I work full time as do DH BUT he has been working day and night decorating our house and I'm useless (and hate) diy so as we are married I am more than happy to take responsibility for the gifts and food shopping ( I love shopping). He also usually does the trees and lights which I also don't like.

He does do his sons Xmas shopping from a previous relationship.

The way we share 'loads' in our family is who is better at stuff and has capacity. He always hoovers for me as I hate it and it make my back hurt and does the washing up. I do majority of cooking and food shopping but he does packed lunches. I do the laundry and ironing. We both clean toilets and stuff.

We both take equal responsibility with the children like homework or baths etc

BrieAndChilli · 20/12/2020 09:41

I wonder how many men in the country are having a mad panic right now! Non-essential shops are shut in many areas so they can’t do their normal Christmas Eve dash and even if ordering online it’s doubtful what would arrive before Christmas now! Might make them see that when is women start sorting presents in November/early December is precisely so that we can ensure things are in stock/we are prepared when pandemics/snow/floods shut everything down!

Nottherealslimshady · 20/12/2020 09:42

Good for you OP! Hope you can stick it out!

I do buy for DHs family, because I do have a lot more free time and I spend more time browsing internet shopping. But he doesn't expect it. He usually gets extra bits for his parents and he gets mine without input.

Fedup21 · 20/12/2020 09:43

He always hoovers for me

For you?!

Does he do the washing up for you as well?

BluebellsGreenbells · 20/12/2020 09:46

The way we share 'loads' in our family is who is better at stuff and has capacity

So nothing like OPs situation then?

PrincessNutNutRoast · 20/12/2020 09:57

This is meant to be lighthearted.

Why?

DougRossIsTheBoss · 20/12/2020 09:57

I think you needed to start his training earlier.

As soon as we got married I made it clear straightaway that he buys for his (massive) family and I buy for mine. I will not remind him about their birthdays (why in the hell would
I know better than him when his own fathers birthday is), I will not send out cards on his behalf. If he forgets I will not accept any blame.

His mum kept trying to direct reminders and gift suggestions at me for years. I forwarded them all to him with no comment cc'ing her until she got the message.
She regards me as 'one of those feminist types' for this outrageous failure of womaning.

QuantumJump · 20/12/2020 10:00

Well done OP! Keep us posted!

Willfiasco · 20/12/2020 10:01

Good for you op
I’d be explicit though, tell him what you have and haven’t done, that you won’t be in shops between now and Christmas and point him at Amazon.

PizzaForOne · 20/12/2020 10:02

Haha good luck OP hope to hear some updates in the coming days!

Perhaps a bit of warning a couple months ago (which probably would have forgotten by DH?) would have covered your arse a bit for the inevitable confrontation when he realises there is nothing to give to his relatives. You do still have the moral highground I think though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/12/2020 10:02

I think you needed to start his training earlier

Or marry a fully formed grown up who doesn’t require “training”. Much easier.

Insertfunnyname · 20/12/2020 10:04

Good for you. I"m frankly amazed that you've ever bought gifts for people in his family when he doesn't buy for your family.

Are there really women out there who buy all the xmas cards for their DH to send? Why? Do those men do the xmas cards for you to send?

BLoody hell nip all this in the bud!!

Shoxfordian · 20/12/2020 10:25

Yabu for ever putting up with this shit and not marrying a competent adult

RandomLondoner · 20/12/2020 10:31

If you're not doing things that you've done previously, I think as a one-off action you should hand him a list of the things you aren't doing.

Making the list is your punishment for being unreasonably helpful in the first place.

In future, given that expectations have been reset, there's no need to give him any warnings.

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