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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell you about my very successful friend

114 replies

2020ns · 19/12/2020 11:15

I have a lovely friend I met at school who’s the definition of high flyer. She got a degree from Oxbridge then went straight to work in finance in London, where she met her lovely husband who’s in the same line of work. If I had to guess (going by the house they’ve recently bought) I’d say they’re probably on about £500k between them.

They had a beautiful wedding in Italy and went on to have two kids (twin boys). Her boss paid her full salary for a whole year so she could stay home with the kids. She’s now gone back to work and they have a nanny to look after the boys, who will be educated privately when the time comes.

They both live down south in a house that they bought for around £2.5m (despite being only late 30s!!) and go on lots of stunning and very expensive holidays to places like the Maldives and skiing, pre-Covid of course.

As for me, I got a degree from a very average uni and now work in an admin role I don’t enjoy. I got the very basic maternity package from my company (as you’d expect in a role like mine) and will be putting DS into nursery full time soon to go back to work, again Covid allowing. Me and DH earn a decent amount between us (£60k per annum) and we live in a small three bed semi. Our DC will be going to the decidedly average local state school when the time comes.

I sometimes look at my friend and wish I had the personality, confidence and intellect to achieve everything she has.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is really - I’m just in awe at how well she and her hubby have done in life!

OP posts:
Justa47 · 19/12/2020 11:16

But are you happy?
She might appear to be but not.

The key is are you happy?

Oaklion · 19/12/2020 11:24

The above poster is right. People in all different circumstances can be happy.

Having a nanny can be complex. Having a high mortgage reduces your options and be very pressuring I'd work isn't going well. Working on finance can be sexist and you are expected to work very hard for those salaries. She might have none of these issues, but she might. No one's life is perfect - the secret is trying to be happy with what you've got.

NerrSnerr · 19/12/2020 11:25

If you haven't changed any details and she's on Mumsnet this would be pretty obvious it's about her. The twins, the wedding destination etc.

catbunnydog · 19/12/2020 11:31

Some people have more money than others, it’s always been this way. You seem surprised that she earns well going to a top uni and then working in finance?

Who cares what she has though. Is she a nice person? Do you have a good friendship? That’s all that should matter really. I can’t be bothered being fascinated with what my friends have that I don’t - that’s just life really

toomanyplants · 19/12/2020 11:32

If this year has taught me anything...it's that I'm glad I don't have much.
I've seen so many of the typical high flyers that you describe literally lose the lot, jobs, homes, cars.
All within 12 months.
I'm happy with the cards I've been dealt, the only thing rich folk have that I don't is extra cash sat in the bank.

Original poster
2020ns · 19/12/2020 11:32

I’m relatively happy with my lot, although life can be humdrum and I often wish I had more money to buy a better house, go on nicer holidays, help out my parents and make life easier - like most people do I should think! There’s no doubt my friend is very happy - we’re quite open with each other about life’s ups and downs so I would know if she wasn’t.

OP posts:
bitheby · 19/12/2020 11:33

I went to Cambridge, was undiagnosed autistic, spent 2 years unemployed mid career because I was burnt out and overwhelmed and lost all my confidence, have never met a partner and am now over 40 and TTC with a donor.

You don't know what will happen in life. A lot of it is luck and privilege.

Gonkytonk · 19/12/2020 11:35

Comparison really is the thief of joy.

Be happy. Be safe. Be loved. Money on top is a bonus but if you have the rest you’re golden.

Smallsteps88 · 19/12/2020 11:35

Comparison is the thief of joy

Smallsteps88 · 19/12/2020 11:36

Xpost!

CounsellorTroi · 19/12/2020 11:41

I know a couple of people who live in bigger houses than mine, in really expensive areas despite not being high flyers by any stretch, never went to uni, always been SAHMs since first child was born. They married high earning husbands.

yeOldeTrout · 19/12/2020 11:41

It's good that you have a nice friend. I don't really relate to people without problems but it's nice that you can stay friends.

I have a close friend with a lot of problems. I want to be supportive but I need very clear boundaries for how much I can support her. Her problems do intrude on our friendship unless I keep those very clear boundaries.

catbunnydog · 19/12/2020 11:44

Well I think what’s important to remember as well is that your friend probably has the same thoughts - go on better holidays, have more money, do more for the people around her - yes they earn more than you, but actually, very few people have the amount of money that would lead them to say “I don’t need more, have too much really”

Satisfaction comes from within, not from stuff. If you have enough to cover your needs and save a bit, that’s the important part. We’ve all been trained to want ‘more’

midscram · 19/12/2020 11:44

There is no reason to assume she's unhappy/stressed.

I say well done to her, there are not really a lot of women who earn 250k in the UK so she is very much in the minority.

There will always be people with more but there a lot more with less.

Clymene · 19/12/2020 11:45

This is such a sad post. I have friends who are much wealthier and more successful than I am but I've never sat down and tallied up all ways their lives are 'better' than mine. All it will do is make you jealous, resentful and bitter. Focus on your own happiness and well-being and stop seeing yourself in comparison to her

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 19/12/2020 11:46

But you have YOUR dc... Presumably you love them just as they are... Her dc may not be as nice - you never know!!

TheRealJeanLouise · 19/12/2020 11:46

Comparison is the thief of joy OP.

OutedByHobby · 19/12/2020 11:50

I had a friend like you, OP. Plus she was beautiful as well.

I wasn’t remotely jealous, nor even despairing my own situation especially, but something about the disparity of our situation really crushed what little self-esteem I had.

I started avoiding time with her, and behold I was so much happier.

I’m not proud of my behaviour - she’s a lovely person on top of everything else - but I needed to ghost her for my own mental health. I suggest you do the same.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 19/12/2020 11:50

If you are tempted to compare, then look in the other direction. There will always be people with more (material) wealth than you. But on £60k I think your household is in the top 1% of worldwide income. Think of it that way, and it totally changes your viewpoint. Or it should do.

MakeItRain · 19/12/2020 11:55

I have someone very, very rich on my FB list. She doesn't post much now, but for a while I would see endless photos of holidays and shopping in far flung exotic places. I don't really crave that, but it did make me feel a bit "meh" about our one holiday a year, often just 3 or 4 days so I can save up for somewhere nice. One day I suddenly had this thought that it's the same sun she sits under, the same sea she paddles in, the same films she's watching, that nice food doesn't have to be expensive... etc. And it suddenly all felt different. A cosy room in a small house is not really any different to a cosy room in a mansion, as long as it feels like home. Like someone else said, people's lives can look different on the outside anyway. I not saying a but more money wouldn't be nice, but not loads. I feel lucky compared to a lot of people in my small, but peaceful and happy home.

glassshoes · 19/12/2020 11:55

Comparison is the thief of joy. And plenty of people would look at your situation and feel the same. You need to let this go.

123rd · 19/12/2020 11:56

Even with all of the trapping that your friend has , she will also think life can be hum drum. She won't have been in all of those lavish holidays this year.
She will still have to sort the washing, think what to cook for dinner, make sure there is toilet paper and cleaning products in the house.
Everything becomes routine.

perditaplum · 19/12/2020 11:58

Her boss paid her full salary for a whole year so she could stay home with the kids. She’s now gone back to work and they have a nanny to look after the boys, who will be educated privately when the time comes.

WIth that kind of deal her boss will be expecting the earth when she goes back, I'd put money on her hardly being around to spend time with her boys. I'd rather be in your situation.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/12/2020 12:02

Honestly all you can is not compare.

I know a few similar people - I'm very aware they all work very hard and always have done, I can see that I am fundamentally a bit lazier than them.

I wouldnt necessarily see it as a success to have a nanny for your children - many of the very successful types I know who have them do so because they need very long hours of childcare. I wouldnt see that as a positive - horses for courses.

Also the grass is always greener. People with less than you may find your circumstances terribly lucky.

Noidea2114 · 19/12/2020 12:05

My best friend has the perfect life on paper. Million pound house, privately educated children now at university (Oxford).
BUT her husband hits her, he has affairs left right and centre. She won't leave as she wouldn't be able to cope without the money etc.
The number of times I have advised her that she is clever, beautiful and would manage. I'm her only friend that knows about her life behind the scenes.