To tell you about my very successful friend

[2020ns]

I have a lovely friend I met at school who’s the definition of high flyer. She got a degree from Oxbridge then went straight to work in finance in London, where she met her lovely husband who’s in the same line of work. If I had to guess (going by the house they’ve recently bought) I’d say they’re probably on about £500k between them.

They had a beautiful wedding in Italy and went on to have two kids (twin boys). Her boss paid her full salary for a whole year so she could stay home with the kids. She’s now gone back to work and they have a nanny to look after the boys, who will be educated privately when the time comes.

They both live down south in a house that they bought for around £2.5m (despite being only late 30s!!) and go on lots of stunning and very expensive holidays to places like the Maldives and skiing, pre-Covid of course.

As for me, I got a degree from a very average uni and now work in an admin role I don’t enjoy. I got the very basic maternity package from my company (as you’d expect in a role like mine) and will be putting DS into nursery full time soon to go back to work, again Covid allowing. Me and DH earn a decent amount between us (£60k per annum) and we live in a small three bed semi. Our DC will be going to the decidedly average local state school when the time comes.

I sometimes look at my friend and wish I had the personality, confidence and intellect to achieve everything she has.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is really - I’m just in awe at how well she and her hubby have done in life!

Meh. I know someone like this - successful engineer, has a large property portfolio, kids are on their 4th langage, kids are missing school SO much since they finished for Christmas. Kids do ballet, piano etc in their spare time, go to an elite private school etc etc ad nauseum.

Thing is, in real life, she's not obnoxious!

Good for your friend. Her work must really value her if they paid her a full salary for mat leave and no doubt she worked her arse off for that (or she is incredibly astute and got it written into her contract).
You sound like you have everything too OP - a degree, DH, children, a roof over your head. Are you healthy and well? Be grateful for what you have. Life is too short to compare yourself to others. Lots of people on here would be grateful for your life too.

I am lucky. I'm in a similar position to your friend. I don't come from a privileged background, and I know how privileged I am now.

My marriage is happy and my kids are lovely. And I'm not overstressed. So sometimes people's lives really are good; it's not just window dressing.

But I would say that the things that make me happy are actually the things that make ANYONE happy, regardless of income: good relationships, playing with the kids, spending time with friends, doing work that I feel proud of. The money etc is nice (and certainly removes a source of unhappiness). And buying posh stuff and having a big house and going on exotic holidays is nice. But all that makes a tiny, tiny difference compared with having people that you love.

Sorry, I know that all sounds really boastful. I just wanted to say that the whole "the best things in life are free" thing isn't just something people say when they don't have money. It's 100% true.

@sst1234 I have an amazing job in a very difficult to get into sector. We have plenty of money and are really happy. Literally no envy what so ever.
But if you need to tell yourself this as you can't deal with people being held to account with what the bring to the world, knock yourself out.

Wow! That is really quite a massive chip you have on your shoulder

@Vivarium. I agree but those things you still play your part in working at don’t you? So, You have a good relationship because you work at it, you have a good job because you work hard, etc. That doesn’t mean those who don’t have good jobs aren’t hard working either - it’s not binary. But I think some peopll lx e don’t see the work that also goes into success behind the scenes or the sacrifices some people make to get the life they want (delayed gratification).

Ha! You could be describing me OP!!
Honestly, Oxbridge followed by a well paid finance career is such a well trodden, boring Oxbridge path to go down. Nothing remotely special about it. I admire my Oxbridge contemporaries who managed to avoid it and do something more interesting with their lives!
Having a nanny is often hard work and not something to aspire to.
Is your friend kind, generous, thoughtful etc? That is really something to be proud of.

She's in a high-flying career so will be surrounded by people who have as much or more than she does. She may well look at some aspects of their lifestyle and feel she doesn't measure up. Other people would look at your life and think you've made it. I understand the feeling but it really is all relative. I know personally I would hate to do the long hours she'll be expected to do in a stressful sector, and I'd find it a bit uncomfortable having a nanny around I'm quite a shy and private person. Also I was privately educated and that can be a mixed blessing, there's a lot to be said for going to the local school and being part of your own community. It is hard though when someone seems to 'have it all' quite effortlessly. Envy is part of human nature, just try not to let it get out of hand. What do you feel proud of in your own life? What makes you happy? It sounds trite but practising gratitude can really turn around how you feel about things.

DonnaQuixotedelaManchester
Sorry, I don't understand - I'm not making any point about how hard people work or don't work. I'm just saying that it's a mistake to assume that the grass is much greener when you have money/qualifications/status etc.

@Vivarium I was agreeing with you about the most important things - sorry I wasn’t clear. What I was tying to say was that we all still have to work at the stuff of value (relationships, etc) - money can’t substitute for that.

DonnaQuixote Yes, totally. The other stuff is nice, but it adds hardly anything to your life compared with relationships, health, and doing something (anything) that gives you personally a sense of achievement.

It depends how you define success and happiness, it's all relative.

Who's to say she is happy underneath it all?

Money is money, houses are houses, all that matters at the end of the day is the people who are in them.

My dad had a high powered job with a 6 figure salary, car, benefits. Cruises, cars, houses. On holiday his life was perfect,

He never took a single holiday without having his laptop on him, he got phone calls and emails 24/7. He worked 12 hour days, 6 days a week. He never saw my stepmum and little half sister. Eventually he burnt out aged 50 and had a nervous breakdown.

I earn enough money to pay the mortgage on my modest and normal house and have a few treats each month. I'm happy with that.

Work to enable you to live, don't live to go to work.

Good for her and good for you.
I live in social housing, can't afford holidays or luxuries, and am a solo parent to twin toddlers.
Whilst I have neither money nor success, ai have 2 beautiful daughters, a few lovely friends and a nice, simple life.
I think what makes me happy with my life is to try not to compare myself to others and to be grateful for what I do have.