To tell you about my very successful friend

[2020ns]

I have a lovely friend I met at school who’s the definition of high flyer. She got a degree from Oxbridge then went straight to work in finance in London, where she met her lovely husband who’s in the same line of work. If I had to guess (going by the house they’ve recently bought) I’d say they’re probably on about £500k between them.

They had a beautiful wedding in Italy and went on to have two kids (twin boys). Her boss paid her full salary for a whole year so she could stay home with the kids. She’s now gone back to work and they have a nanny to look after the boys, who will be educated privately when the time comes.

They both live down south in a house that they bought for around £2.5m (despite being only late 30s!!) and go on lots of stunning and very expensive holidays to places like the Maldives and skiing, pre-Covid of course.

As for me, I got a degree from a very average uni and now work in an admin role I don’t enjoy. I got the very basic maternity package from my company (as you’d expect in a role like mine) and will be putting DS into nursery full time soon to go back to work, again Covid allowing. Me and DH earn a decent amount between us (£60k per annum) and we live in a small three bed semi. Our DC will be going to the decidedly average local state school when the time comes.

I sometimes look at my friend and wish I had the personality, confidence and intellect to achieve everything she has.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is really - I’m just in awe at how well she and her hubby have done in life!

I wouldn't be envious of your friend as her job sounds deadly dull. I was a bit envious of my own close friend who was a specialist surgeon as her job was interesting and really helped people. However she ended up having a mental breakdown when her husband left her, turned to drinking and drugs, lost her license to practice medicine due to driving drunk and then died of an overdose age 44. What a waste of a brilliant mind and life.

I like watching the TV show Curb Your Enthusiasm. It's very funny but also it shows very rich people who aren't particularly happy or unhappy - their lives seem a bit boring as they lack purpose. Beyond a certain level of income or matters a lot more how you spend your time than how much money you have that determines your happiness.

Focus on what you've got rather than what you've not got.

@HotSince63 totally agree!!

To the outside, my life probably looks very similar. I earn 6 figures in investment banking, I met DH at work who was a trader and also earning 6 figures. We have a big house and 2 privately educated DC’s, skied in Whistler and dived in the Maldives.

The reality is that our industry has been very insecure since the global financial crises - I’ve been made redundant once and DH twice now. He’s not worked now in over a year and is now in his 50’s and unlikely to work again as he’s considered too old in our sector. Even with my salary and good bonuses, we are struggling to pay the DC’s school fees. It is incredibly stressful and it’s pretty much destroyed our marriage, we’d both like to divorce but definitely couldn’t pay the school fees if we did. DH is depressed but won’t seek help and I’m under a huge amount of pressure to ensure I keep my own job.

Moral of the story - things aren’t always as they seem on social media.

@HotSince63

Your friend sounds like she has a wonderful life, and I can see why you are sometimes in awe of her, good for her. I know several people just like her and I'm in awe of them too.

Plenty of people are probably in awe of you too. You have a degree, you and your DH earn a decent amount, you own your home. I know loads of people that would give their right arm to be in your position.

It's a shame that your post has attracted a few "she probably isn't happy", "she'll hardly see her children because of work", "her career is uninspiring" bitter responses.

My response falls into the latter camp. There nothing bitter about it. I’m telling you, it doesn’t take a great deal of ambition for an Oxbridge graduate to work in finance. It’s a very conventional route. That’s a fact. It saddens that OP would find a pioneering female academic, for instance - someone highly respected, innovative , impactful in her field - to be less intimidating, simply because she makes less money.

As for the other critiques (eg seeing less of her children) ...well yes that’s just sexism.

I don't find that kind of money enviable. My husband and I earn just over 100k between us and it's more than we need, and I'd loathe the kind of work that earns that sort of money.

A great piece of advice is that you should only be envious of someone's entire life. You can only want it if you want ALL of it. Their husband (not yours but richer - their husband), their children, their job, their work, their commute, their friends... Everything.

Because the one thing you want is part of the whole picture. There's no one I would trade places with, cause I like MY stuff.

it doesn’t take a great deal of ambition for an Oxbridge graduate to work in finance. It’s a very conventional route

I agree but to earn 250k plus as a women is not that conventional. I think only 1 in 5 who earn 150k are women

Finance is hell on Earth to work in for many people, hence the £££.

I wouldn't choose it.

You really have no idea of her actual life... how she feels about it... if she is truly happy with her choices.... but if she is, good for her, great it worked out and that she was well enough (mentally and physically) and lucky enough to be able to take full advantage of her opportunities.

However, I know loads of people like this (oxbridge high flyers), and it isn't always rosy underneath: children who have been hothoused to the point of the suicide with dreadful mental health issues, serious illness leading to death, a couple of the wives signed pre-nups and are trapped with someone they don't love but too scared to leave, domestic abuse.

My life looked great on the surface for a long time and I definitely experienced some envy... but they really had no idea...

In my circle, incomes range from £15,000 to £750,000. I admire the hippy who lives life to full on the former as much as the banker has an extremely comfortable life on the latter. The people I feel sorry for are the ones who haven't found their niche, or seem too scared to leave boring jobs but well paid jobs they don't enjoy.

@midscram

There is no reason to assume she's unhappy/stressed.

I say well done to her, there are not really a lot of women who earn 250k in the UK so she is very much in the minority.

There will always be people with more but there a lot more with less.

This is a nice, considered post. I agree.

@midscram

it doesn’t take a great deal of ambition for an Oxbridge graduate to work in finance. It’s a very conventional route

I agree but to earn 250k plus as a women is not that conventional. I think only 1 in 5 who earn 150k are women

Yep, I’ll concede that. The amount of money she makes is unconventional. So is Sheryl Sandberg’s net worth, but I’m not inclined to be any more inspired by what she does. More like ethically repelled.

Personally I just like to call a spade a spade, irrespective of gender. If you work in finance, if you work for the likes of Goldman Sachs, if your job consists of make rich corporations much much richer, then I find your work thoroughly uninspiring. There are so many other pioneering women whose contributions to society don’t comprise of how much money or status they have. It’s a very crass metric and one that OP should liberate herself from.

I don't think the OP sounds bitter or jealous about her friend's success but some of the responders do! I do sometimes feel regretful about my life choices, which mean I'm unlikely to ever earn that kind of money but I also know I don't really have the ambition or the drive in me to pursue those kinds of careers anyway. Which is fine, the world needs all kinds of people.

It happens it doesn't feel good to compare yourself to someone high flying or low flying really.
We're all individuals.
As you're still friends it hasn't changed her some of our group that became high flyers thought of themselves as MC the friendships faded.
They're still friends with Dsis she married rich and has a big fancy house too.
Are any of them really happy, I suspect they've issues like us all.
It is a pity money changes people.
It doesn't seem to have changed your friend.

She's not perfect she does a really pointless job which most likely contributes negatively to society. Nothing to be jelous of op. However if you don't like your job it's not too late to change.

Not sure why people are trying to find ways to show how the friends life must be difficult, oh the big mortgage, sexist finance industry, and whatever else. It sounds like she’s done well, good on her. Her achievements don’t have to minimized in order to make OP feel better and we have to think that the friend must be unhappy in some way so the OP knows that there’s a price to success. She’s just successful, that’s it.
OP, it’s just the way it is. Try to set your own small goals so you have something to work towards.

@Plussizejumpsuit

She's not perfect she does a really pointless job which most likely contributes negatively to society. Nothing to be jelous of op. However if you don't like your job it's not too late to change.

So much envy in so few words

I'm pretty much that woman (except my husband doesn't earn as much as me) - and I'm bloody miserable. I've made my nanny redundant and am looking up setting up my own business so I can have more say in what I do and how I do it rather than marching to the beat of the sociopaths I currently work with.

It almost certainly means a drop in income and change in lifestyle but I have made my peace with that.

I find those responses to op saying she must be unhappy/they know someone like this who was being abused/maybe their children have mental health difficulties etc ridiculous. Some people are just lucky and happy.

I know my DSis and DBIL inside out. They have a combined salary of 300k, live in a beautiful house on an acre of land and are planning an extension to double it in size. They have 3 wonderful children who are all good looking and surpassing all milestones for their age (their 4 year old can name and identify all dinosaurs) they have a wonderful marriage lots of friends, children are looked after by grandparents so no childcare fees or having children in nursery and the children are spoiled by their many aunts and uncles - myself included. They are happy and all is great.

I wonder about those who can only belittle and be bitter about those who are doing better than them! Assume they must be unhappy etc.

My go to mantra is that old song sunscreen
“Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself”
“ Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t
Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40
Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary
Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance; so are everybody else’s”

The older I get and the more I experience I realise this is all so true. Life is life. Some people will sail through it, others will struggle, some will struggle and thrive in different times of their lives.

We all have to do our best, try be happy and not get too caught up in things.

I learnt this lesson when I was incredibly jealous of a friend who conceived easily while I was told I would need ivf. Her baby went on to die tragically. If my ivf works and I have a healthy baby who was in the worse off position? Me to look at initially and then her if I never have to experience child loss. So what was the point of my jealousy. It was a waste of time and energy.

Life is long and no one knows what is around the corner. There is no point in comparing yourself to others.

@sst1234

Not sure why people are trying to find ways to show how the friends life must be difficult, oh the big mortgage, sexist finance industry, and whatever else. It sounds like she’s done well, good on her. Her achievements don’t have to minimized in order to make OP feel better and we have to think that the friend must be unhappy in some way so the OP knows that there’s a price to success. She’s just successful, that’s it. OP, it’s just the way it is. Try to set your own small goals so you have something to work towards.

But what's wrong with saying to OP that it's worth looking beyond achievements that centre largely on obtaining wealth and status? What's wrong with citing other, far more inspiring, examples of 'success' and 'ambition'?

There's someone out there wishing they had everything you have. I have a similar friend and she has a lot of money but I know how miserable she is with her marriage that she feels trapped in.
When we had £30 to do a good shop with a week and just scraping by I was happier than I am now and we are financially much better off.
Appreciation is the key to happiness.

The two high earners I know, I wouldn't describe as happy. Maybe outwardly happy but not really content. It's all about what they have compared to others and who's done everything first. But the biggest thing is their jobs, the hours, the pressure, the all nighters, the being interrupted on holiday, it's all consuming and affects their health, relationships, time they can spend with their children, everything. I honestly wouldn't choose their life. Your friend might be different but I think my friends experiences are very common

Being successful is making the best of your own circumstances. FWIW, i might welcome the income of friends and acquaintances who work in the City, I wouldn't welcome the sacrifices involved, time and moral.

Good luck with making a success of your life, OP.

Her husband could be secretly getting band jobs in public toilets on the way home from work. Well probably not if he earns that much money 🤷‍♀️ but maybe he has a secret escort or is secretly seeing his secretary. Is it 1/3 people that cheat ? and that's just the ones who we know about....

If not secret hand jobs then maybe some other bad luck will strike. Of course you don't wish this on your friend but my point is that (as we've seen in 2020) life is not concrete, there are no guarantees and we don't know what is coming.

You say she's happy but how much do we ever really know someone ? How much of female friendships is honesty and how much of it is PR spin ?

I don't doubt your friend has it easier than you financially. I imagine though that she is an investment banker or similar if she earns that kind of money ? They pull enormously long hours - enormous !!!!!!!

Focus on what you can control. Control the controllable.

You're burning up energy comparing when you'll could be doing an exercise video, focusing on YOUR goals, YOUR promotion, your next home. To me it seems that you've resigned to the life you have as if it can't be improved in anyway. If you were focusing on improving and building on what you have, you'd not have the mental energy to be looking at her.

Good for her! Not many women have reached such a senior position and have kids too. Respect to your friend.