To tell you about my very successful friend

[2020ns]

I have a lovely friend I met at school who’s the definition of high flyer. She got a degree from Oxbridge then went straight to work in finance in London, where she met her lovely husband who’s in the same line of work. If I had to guess (going by the house they’ve recently bought) I’d say they’re probably on about £500k between them.

They had a beautiful wedding in Italy and went on to have two kids (twin boys). Her boss paid her full salary for a whole year so she could stay home with the kids. She’s now gone back to work and they have a nanny to look after the boys, who will be educated privately when the time comes.

They both live down south in a house that they bought for around £2.5m (despite being only late 30s!!) and go on lots of stunning and very expensive holidays to places like the Maldives and skiing, pre-Covid of course.

As for me, I got a degree from a very average uni and now work in an admin role I don’t enjoy. I got the very basic maternity package from my company (as you’d expect in a role like mine) and will be putting DS into nursery full time soon to go back to work, again Covid allowing. Me and DH earn a decent amount between us (£60k per annum) and we live in a small three bed semi. Our DC will be going to the decidedly average local state school when the time comes.

I sometimes look at my friend and wish I had the personality, confidence and intellect to achieve everything she has.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is really - I’m just in awe at how well she and her hubby have done in life!

Her boss paid her full salary for a whole year so she could stay home with the kids. She’s now gone back to work and they have a nanny to look after the boys, who will be educated privately when the time comes.

That not her "boss" who has paid her full salary while on maternity leave, thats her contract of employment. Her job, which she gained on merit, will have had that as a term of her contract. Her boss will have not made an individual decision to be generous to her.

Do you really have to comment like this about a woman who has a very good job and earns well? I bet you wouldn't make the same comments about a man working in finance.

Its hard enough for women to make it in finance without other women picking them out. Your post isn't particularly indicative that you find her inspirational, more that you think she has done something very unusual, which doesn't fit in with the pattern you consider normal. Its much easier to get into that field and type of job if you have been to Oxbridge, and getting into Oxbridge means really putting yourself on the line and putting yourself through a lot of stress.

I'd envy the skills that her job entails, and I might wish I had more money, but what is she actually like? Is she clever and funny, kind and generous? Does she sit moaning about her tax bill whilst you are counting the pennies for shopping each week? Is she having to work weekends and evenings whilst you knock off at 5 and get home to the kids?

If she's a lovely friend and appreciates her success then I'd say that's great. If not then its not much of a friendship.

To tell you about my very successful friend

Why would we care about a random person?!

...And there’s many people way better off than she is.

I understand what I think you are getting at , OP. With some people their lives seem so beautifully integrated with quality and good stuff . I remember being around some high net worth people and I just felt shabby in every part of me - like they were made of better quality stuff. As soon as I thought that through I realised I had been taken in by the cosmetics of it all - the gloss. It puts a golden hue on everything and successfully manages to make us feel inadequate and needy when we previously had been satisfied. It’s hard work maintains that largely because of other people’s expectations on you.

You sound as though you have everything she has: job, children, home, partner. The exterior is just cosmetic. Seriously, we don’t know what things she has excused/tolerated/accepted that deep down she wishes were different.

I knew a family once where they were picture perfect to look at but one of the children was desperately unhappy from a young age. No one could help this child and the parents deep down were tormented. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

OP, you are fortunate, well off and privileged.
Many, many people would be envious of what you take for granted. Appreciate your good fortune.

I think she must also work incredibly hard all the time to sustain that job and may well wish she could relax and enjoy her time as a mother more.

I have a well paid job, very large house, expensive cars etc. People who don't know me say I have the perfect life. People who do know me, know it is absolutely not the case. Most if they knew more about me, would not swap their circumstances for mine in a million years.

What you have doesn't make you happy, its who you are, and who you surround yourself with that does. Your friend probably senses these feelings from you. Either get a grip or find other friends who you arent so cripplingly jealous of.

Another one to remind you that comparison is the theft of joy.

Instead of looking at what someone else has, look at what you have. Spend time appreciating all the things you have and enjoying them.

There will always be people who have more than you (and your friend). Life is to short for looking at other people’s life instead of living your own.

That's really good for her. It sounds like a great life. My life is probably the opposite to hers but I also have a great life you'll have people commenting on here telling you she probably isn't happy, she probably doesn't see her kids etc but that doesn't help you.

Sorry, I may have been a bit harsh there- I confused your post with a reply that said they had to end a similar friendship for their mental health.

@2020ns

I’m relatively happy with my lot, although life can be humdrum and I often wish I had more money to buy a better house, go on nicer holidays, help out my parents and make life easier - like most people do I should think! There’s no doubt my friend is very happy - we’re quite open with each other about life’s ups and downs so I would know if she wasn’t.

You need to start looking at the positives

• you own a home
• you have a job
• you have a family

-you go on holiday

• no major dramas in your life

There are a lot of people who wish for the above.

And a lot of people who are happy with less than that.

Good for her. But she works in finance - the most conventional, uninspiring career route from Oxbridge (they recruit final year students from there very aggressively - I know because I’ve been there). Would personally be more in awe of a trailblazer in another discipline, eg an entrepreneur or successful startup founder, or even someone like Devi Sridhar (an icon!) - but that’s from a career point of view. I can’t get worked up in jealously by anyone in finance.

Focus on your own happiness.

The absence of problems is a great thing in and of itself.

By the tone of your post, I genuinely thought you were going to say you were (in comparison) living on minimum wage, will never be able to afford to buy your own house or a 'nicer' holiday. Then you said you have a family income of 60k a year. I mean, excuse me whilst I lose most of my sympathy.

With all due respect, get a grip. Your friend is well into the 1% (and as other said, good for her - it's great to hear of women doing so bloody well in a career), but you're still far better position than many people in the UK. Maybe appreciate that rather than think the grass is greener.

Some people are just very lucky. We all know someone like this.
Beautiful, wealthy, strong relationship, gorgeous kids, great job etc. Life is like that.
I disagree with rich people not doing well this year though. My DP earns a very good wage and business has done better than ever.

FIrstly you're equating money with success.

And secondly there's guarantee she's happy

And thirdly, all of that's irrelevant if you are happy. Jealousy is just such a waste of energy.

Money is just one element of a life. I've seen people who earn loads, who are the most unhappy, desperate people ever, but if you saw them on social media or whatever, you'd think everything was amazing.

I can see this from both sides. Without being too outing I live a life which is envied by some, mainly to do with my DH, and also the fact that I am currently a SAHM (though am ‘successful’ from an academic/career point of view in my own right) We live in a nice area, in a nice house which is worth a mind-boggling amount of money (to me) for what it actually is. I come from a pretty difficult background and many of my peers at school could only dream of what I ‘have’ now. But we have both faced absolutely enormous challenges in the last few years, lots of that mental health related - just a few weeks ago I was working out how to ‘safeguard’ my DH driving home as he had been on the phone with suicidal thoughts just a few minutes prior. We are also surrounded by mansions and every second car is a Range Rover or a Porsche Cayenne, and several of the school mums are astonishingly rich.

At the end of the day, it’s all relative - comparison is absolutely the thief of joy. My school friends could only dream of what we have, I can only dream of what the neighbours have. What matters is how you view your own lot, and not letting resentment build over material things in a friendship which is otherwise mutually enjoyable and healthy.

All my close friends from school and uni are the definition of success - top flight lawyers, surgeons, company directors, etc. All different fields and paths but massive achievers who have worked hard and are now on significant salaries with all the trappings that brings.

I work in a factory and earn £12k a year! It's really hard not to feel like a massive failure in their company, but I'm genuinely so happy for their success and proud of what they have achieved and love them all so much.

But honestly, I wouldn't swap my life with any of them. Look at what you have Op and be thankful.

Is she nice, do you still enjoy each others company? I suspect some of my peers live a much wealthier life than me and I hope they do make the most of it. I am extremely fortunate myself and happy with the life I have made from those beginnings.

So what? Concentrate on your own life, all that post said was about how much money they have. Very odd!! You’re hardly skint.
If your life is humdrum, change it? Realise that you’re in privileged position compared to a lot of people just now. And if anything, this year should have taught most people that our priorities are all wrong, you don’t know she is happy, or that having it all is really as wonderful as you think it is. Sorry but I think you get nowhere in life comparing yourself to others or wishing you had what they have

Your friend sounds like she has a wonderful life, and I can see why you are sometimes in awe of her, good for her. I know several people just like her and I'm in awe of them too.

Plenty of people are probably in awe of you too. You have a degree, you and your DH earn a decent amount, you own your home. I know loads of people that would give their right arm to be in your position.

It's a shame that your post has attracted a few "she probably isn't happy", "she'll hardly see her children because of work", "her career is uninspiring" bitter responses.

@HotSince63. Not necessarily bitter, Hot - just trying to give OP perspective- it’s easy to assume that people’s comfortable exterior mirrors a comfortable interior when realistically we all know life is not about the absence of problems, rather how you deal with the hand you ‘ve been given.

@DonnaQuixotedelaManchester and it would be very easy to give the OP perspective without putting this woman (who none of us know) down. The stuff I listed is not giving the OP perspective, it's having a nasty dig.