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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend isn't paying for my birthday "meal"?

127 replies

beebbeep · 19/12/2020 08:30

It was my friends birthday in November and I gave a special present that I knew she would appreciate.
She came over to mine and I paid for a takeaway for us (about £28)
Boxing Day is my birthday and the plan was to come to my house again but this time it was her treat for my birthday.
She rang last night and we were chatting then she mentions
"I can't afford to pay for your half of the takeaway only mine" "I ordered you a special present but it hasn't arrived yet"
So no doubt that won't arrive.
She has been splashing the cash lately so I know she's fine for money and tbh it's no skin off my nose il pay for myself but it just felt a bit cheeky.
Aibu ?

OP posts:
Yokey · 19/12/2020 08:34

Yanbu. Taker. If it were me struggling with money, I would explain I can't do take away (not that I could pay only for my own!) and promise to treat when I could.

gggrrrargh · 19/12/2020 08:37

Is it the Christmas birthday effect? I know others who have this where people have spent their extra money on Christmas and don’t recognise someone’s birthday in this month should be treated as any other month. I wouldn’t be impressed either.

billybagpuss · 19/12/2020 08:37

The problem with gifts is when you give a gift you actually give an obligation to reciprocate. Unless of course you can categorically say you gave her gift because you wanted to treat her and expected nothing.

The fact that you feel aggrieved proves your expectations of reciprocation.

People prioritise their cash differently so whilst she may have been splashing the cash in the run up to Christmas by Boxing Day belts needs tightening.

I do feel for you having a Boxing Day birthday this must be a recurring issue but hope you have a lovely day regardless. 🎂

QuantumJump · 19/12/2020 08:38

YANBU. Is she always a bit tight or is this a one off?

Eng123 · 19/12/2020 08:38

If you are actually friends then it wouldn't even occur to either of you to care about the meal, you would just be concerned for the others position.

Milssofadoesntreallyfit · 19/12/2020 08:39

Personally If I bought someone a birthday take away I wouldn't expect that back in return on my birthday. I would have done it simply because I wanted to do it.
I'm really not a fan of expecting stuff like this, it turns kindness into an obligation and then stops being a truly kind act, hope that makes sense!.
Kindness doesn't have to come in the way of gifts or picking up the bill, I would rather someone actually say happy birthday to me and mean it, really want to spend the time with me and be interested and care. They dont have to get me anything, its just stuff.

If shes a fab friend in other ways and is there when you really need her then this may be a flaw you need to accept as the other stuff means much more.

ForeverBubblegum · 19/12/2020 08:39

She does seem cheeky. It's fair enough to say she can't do takeaway if she's struggling for money (possibly as a result of the splashing you've seen) but the onus is then on her to suggest something else. If this was me, I'd offer to cook something and bring it over for your night in, probably cost similar to her half of the takeaway.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2020 08:39

Why does she always come to yours?
In my friendship groups we tend to do whoever hosts, pays. As the other person has the travel faff. And we all take turns at hosting.

InTheDrunkTank · 19/12/2020 08:40

I also wonder if it's the Christmas birthday effect. Although if I was her I'd suggest delaying the takeaway until january instead. If this is a one off I wouldn't waste time worrying about it, if she's always a bit of a taker I'd just reduce my offers to her in the future.

custardbear · 19/12/2020 08:41

I also hate the obligation.- friend of mine used to give crazy expensive and elaborate presents, eventually I disengaged, just gave what I could afford, not what she could afford. Just tell her that's fine, you cherish her friendship not tokens

ivfbeenbusy · 19/12/2020 08:41

Well it really depends on what "splashing the cash" really means? If she's just brought an expensive handbag then fair enough but if it's general Xmas expenses/family outings then YABU.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2020 08:42

If she can’t afford a takeaway for both of you why hasn’t she offered to cook, at yours or hers?

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 19/12/2020 08:44

She sounds like a CF. Maybe say you’ll leave it and do something in the new year. I would g bother with her. If she was struggling with money then fine, but if she’s been splashing the cash lately then she’s being selfish. Don’t make a fuss of her birthday next year.

Figgygal · 19/12/2020 08:46

Does she have form for this sort of stuff?

user1493494961 · 19/12/2020 08:46

Is she in your Christmas bubble (someone had to ask!)

helloxhristmas · 19/12/2020 08:48

Boxing Day end of the pay month for most, in December. Maybe she genuinely can't afford it. Why don't you ditch the meal and go for a walk in the day instead.

rookiemere · 19/12/2020 08:50

I'd say - oh that's a shame, let me do beans on toast instead, I'm a bit skint too. Otherwise you'll pay for both of you and get no present.

Original poster
beebbeep · 19/12/2020 08:50

She does this all the time.
When there was 4 of us and we would take in turns for rounds she would go awol.
Presents ordered that never arrive.
It's the fact we said because this year covid etc we would each treat each other to a birthday takeaway.
It's always me treating her all year to things and I never ask for anything in return.
She's been buying herself lots of new clothes /dr martens etc

OP posts:
CareBear50 · 19/12/2020 08:55

Ah following your latest update OP. She clearly has form for this.

She's really tight and uses people. So yanbu in the slightest

Viviennemary · 19/12/2020 08:57

Just say let's leave it for now. I can't afford it either. She sounds a right meanie.

billybagpuss · 19/12/2020 08:58

@beebbeep

She does this all the time. When there was 4 of us and we would take in turns for rounds she would go awol. Presents ordered that never arrive. It's the fact we said because this year covid etc we would each treat each other to a birthday takeaway. It's always me treating her all year to things and I never ask for anything in return. She's been buying herself lots of new clothes /dr martens etc
You can’t begrudge her buying herself stuff rather than paying for your takeaway. However it does sound like she’s an habitual avoider so the way forward is every time pay for your own and don’t get involved in rounds.

You know who she is, value the friendship but plan your gifts accordingly.

EileenGC · 19/12/2020 08:58

I have a friend that can sometimes be like this. Spends money on useless tat, but then doesn't have enough left for plans we've made, or complains she can't pay rent this month etc etc...

She's one of my best friends though so I don't mind. What I've stopped doing is planning stuff with her such as takeaways, trips, we're not doing Christmas presents this year for this reason.

If you value her friendship but are just really annoyed at how inconsiderate she can be, after you made an effort on her birthday, just keep it low key from now on. No pressure to send presents or plan 'expensive' things. I now love meeting up for walks with her, no expectations, and sometimes she'll say 'we should really go for dinner tonight'. So the plans come from her and she can't go back on her word!

But If you think she's actually taking the piss, then I'd slowly cut contact. Depends on how the friendship is.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/12/2020 08:59

Why are you pandering to her all the time? You need different friends and while you’re wasting your energy on this loser, you’re missing out on potential better ones.

JingleFails · 19/12/2020 09:00

Stop treating her OP.
Dont order a takeaway for your birthday, she will find a way to duck out of paying for hers
£10 curry meal deal , she brings wine or pudding.
She sounds like a taker in general so dial it back and dont let her take advantage.

WeAllHaveWings · 19/12/2020 09:05

She does this all the time

So you bought her meal knowing full well she was unlikely to reciprocate? If she does this "all the time" don't make these type of arrangements.

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