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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend isn't paying for my birthday "meal"?

127 replies

beebbeep · 19/12/2020 08:30

It was my friends birthday in November and I gave a special present that I knew she would appreciate.
She came over to mine and I paid for a takeaway for us (about £28)
Boxing Day is my birthday and the plan was to come to my house again but this time it was her treat for my birthday.
She rang last night and we were chatting then she mentions
"I can't afford to pay for your half of the takeaway only mine" "I ordered you a special present but it hasn't arrived yet"
So no doubt that won't arrive.
She has been splashing the cash lately so I know she's fine for money and tbh it's no skin off my nose il pay for myself but it just felt a bit cheeky.
Aibu ?

OP posts:
Original poster
beebbeep · 19/12/2020 09:06

@billybagpuss I don't begrudge her but I was good enough to waste money buying her a takeaway (as we agreed to do that this year )so you think common decency would be to return the gesture.

OP posts:
nellyburt · 19/12/2020 09:08

If it bothers you cancel her coming round. Say you can’t afford your half either.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 19/12/2020 09:08

I’ve always found that CFs like this are selfish in general, the sort who use people. So it’s not really a friendship, more of a service to them. So I wouldn’t be bothered about keeping one as a friend.

burnoutbabe · 19/12/2020 09:10

Surely she then suggests bringing say a Morrison's curry meal deal or massive pizza?

May not be quite as nice as the takeaway but it's the effort and gesture.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2020 09:11

[quote beebbeep]@billybagpuss I don't begrudge her but I was good enough to waste money buying her a takeaway (as we agreed to do that this year )so you think common decency would be to return the gesture.[/quote]
So cancel

billybagpuss · 19/12/2020 09:12

[quote beebbeep]@billybagpuss I don't begrudge her but I was good enough to waste money buying her a takeaway (as we agreed to do that this year )so you think common decency would be to return the gesture.[/quote]
Common decency yes, but it sounds like you’ve known of this cf habit of hers for some time, disappearances when it’s her round etc. So you shouldn’t be too surprised at her actions and going forwards just agree to pay for yourself, unless you choose to treat her in the knowledge it is unlikely to be reciprocated.

IdblowJonSnow · 19/12/2020 09:13

Given your update, I'd sack her off entirely! She sounds so mean!

Biker47 · 19/12/2020 09:14

Going to predict it, you're not getting a present off her either, it'll never materialise.

FangsForTheMemory · 19/12/2020 09:15

I wouldn’t want to spend my birthday with such a person. Uninvite her. Buy yourself champagne and a takeaway.

Elfieishere · 19/12/2020 09:15

I’d purposely ask what she’s ordered as she’s a cheeky fucker.

gamerchick · 19/12/2020 09:15

Have you posted about her before? I seem to remember a boxing day birthday and a tight Christmas gift given rather than the agreed hamper and no sign of a birthday gift..

Wantsadvice1978909 · 19/12/2020 09:16

I think you are being unreasonable to expect someone (who never has) to return your kindness. If she’s always been like this why do you keep spending money on her?

She sounds very tight with money and obviously makes a lot of excuses for her behaviour but only you can stop that. Don’t spend any more money on her. For her birthday get her a card and same for Christmas.

Wantsadvice1978909 · 19/12/2020 09:17

Oh also next time she makes false plans like saying let’s do this or this for Christmas/birthdays/special occasions call her out. Ask her if she’s genuinely going to do these things.

RugsEverywhere · 19/12/2020 09:22

Now's the perfect opportunity to put an end to this. A reply along the lines of That's great I'd been thinking it'll be so much easy just to pay our own share of bills from now on.
When your present doesn't arrive Don't worry about it we'll just stop exchanging presents

randomer · 19/12/2020 09:26

Are you adults?

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/12/2020 09:27

Yes this is the time to change how you deal with this. She won’t change so you need to shift things.

Just say no worries, we’ll stop treating each other in future.

Plus say that’s great about the gift but if it doesn’t arrive, we’ll stop doing gifts.

Just take control and stop expecting her to fall into line with how you feel she should behave, she’s not a generous person. I couldn’t stand someone so grasping as her.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 19/12/2020 09:27

Arrange her to come in between meals and just serve a pot of tea and some mince pies...

Googlebrained · 19/12/2020 09:28

@beebbeep

She does this all the time. When there was 4 of us and we would take in turns for rounds she would go awol. Presents ordered that never arrive. It's the fact we said because this year covid etc we would each treat each other to a birthday takeaway. It's always me treating her all year to things and I never ask for anything in return. She's been buying herself lots of new clothes /dr martens etc
I just knew you were going to say this. You sound nice OP and not someone that would begrudge a one-off present where you didn't get anything back. This kind of meanness is a pattern and in my experience people who are mean with money are likely mean-sprited.

I'd maybe stop buying presents for her/treating her in future. She's taking you for granted and that's not being a real friend.

greenlentilandturmeric · 19/12/2020 09:30

Christmas birthdays are a pain. (I have one a week after Christmas). everyone forgets them, has run out of money or are all celebrationed out.

But she does sound like a CF.

Dontjudgeme101 · 19/12/2020 09:30

This is unbelievable, she’s not a friend. Friends don’t treat each other like this. She sounds awful. Why o why are you wasting your time on this person. It sounds like she doesn’t respect you or your other friends. You sound like a lovely kind person. If it were me, l would distance myself from her. If she asks why, tell her the reason why. If she’s a true friend, she will aplogise and change her behaviour.

Alethiometrical · 19/12/2020 09:32

She rang last night and we were chatting then she mentions
"I can't afford to pay for your half of the takeaway only mine" "I ordered you a special present but it hasn't arrived yet"

I think, if it were me, and a friend said this, I'd respond (a tad passive-aggressively), "Oh don't worry, my treat. You bring wine."

Then the meet-up would be on my terms, and I'd be happy smug that I'd been the generous one.

And then I'd be wary & cautious about the friendship afterwards ...

BloggersBlog · 19/12/2020 09:34

I never understand the mentality of people like you OP. She is so obviously using you, she isnt hiding it, you have many examples from what you say of her doing it.

Yet you persist in calling her your friend and will no doubt come up with countless examples too of her kindness/always there/whatever to back up why you accept it and your feeble standards of friendship.

Why moan about her now? You have accepted what she is like, yet dont like it when it is turned back on you Hmm

Get a backbone and tell her, or stop whining

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 19/12/2020 09:42

If this is a pattern stop enabling that pattern, don’t include her in “rounds” of things like this. Don’t expect gifts and, while you don’t give to receive, she is taking you for a free meal ticket so plenty reason to stop buying for her. Is she a good friend outside of being a stingy bastard?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/12/2020 09:46

@Alethiometrical

She rang last night and we were chatting then she mentions "I can't afford to pay for your half of the takeaway only mine" "I ordered you a special present but it hasn't arrived yet"

I think, if it were me, and a friend said this, I'd respond (a tad passive-aggressively), "Oh don't worry, my treat. You bring wine."

Then the meet-up would be on my terms, and I'd be happy smug that I'd been the generous one.

And then I'd be wary & cautious about the friendship afterwards ...

This.

But give her a cheese toastie.

RantyAnty · 19/12/2020 09:48

She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

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