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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Missing money

158 replies

tigerlily20 · 18/12/2020 20:37

Recently we needed some building work done at home by a local, reliable tradesmen, I wasn't at home at the time but gave dp the exact amount of the price of the works in cash plus a tip in a sealed envelope with the name of the builder on. He was staying at the property whilst the work was going on, so was able to pass on the envelope. He rang me later in the day to ask how much the work was going to be and I told him and asked why and he said he was counting through the money. I was annoyed as the envelope was sealed and I counted the money more than once but brushed it off and forgot about it. Fast forward weeks later, dp off-handedly said he had taken the tip out of the money for the builder and kept it for his own. I am annoyed but he says he can't see the big deal (I refuse to believe he doesn't know this was wrong), he didn't give the money back to me or tell me at the time or ring me to ask. I am fuming, aibu?

OP posts:
CallmeAngelGabriel · 19/12/2020 08:26

You seem to be minimising his actions. I find it interesting that you titled this thread "missing" money, when actually it's "stolen" money.
So does this bloke contribute to anything financially? Mortgage, food, bills, social life, running a car?

AgentJohnson · 19/12/2020 09:13

FFS! Get rid of this cockodging thief pronto. This isn’t about him, it’s about your lack of self respect in enabling this obvious chancer.

He takes the p* because he’s a dick and you let him. The grownup non thieving version of him is not waiting around the corner but the even shittier version probably is.

The ball is in and has already been, in your court.

Divebar · 19/12/2020 09:16

Does he have somewhere else to go? It doesn’t seem like you’re going to ask him to leave though.

hammeringinmyhead · 19/12/2020 09:22

Ugh. Kick him out. He can buy his own food and heat his own house with the nothing he's contributing.

olderthanilookapparently · 19/12/2020 09:23

So your 'partner' is living in your house whilst you pay the bills and gambling.

Just think carefully about what you would say to one of your children if they were in this situation

tigerlily20 · 19/12/2020 09:27

I asked him to leave last night, he said he would but he didn't end up going. He doesn't have any family and nowhere to go so I would essentially be making him homeless just before Christmas. I don't think he deserves anymore of my kindness though, he's obviously treating me like a mug and if he could do this and lie about it then who knows what else he's done. My trust is broken.

OP posts:
tigerlily20 · 19/12/2020 09:29

P.s. I don't think it's a gambling addiction as he has some money in his account that he hasn't spent, if he was addicted he would have spent it all? Not making excuses but it feels like it was all more of a punishment for me rather than a compulsion.

OP posts:
Divebar · 19/12/2020 09:37

It’s interesting how people don’t have family OR friends? I’m not disputing that it’s just odd. If I was in the position of having literally nowhere in the world I could go I would be very careful to not fuck up the one relationship I had.

TikTokFinger · 19/12/2020 09:38

Could you not message the builder and say that your partner took a tip you’d left for him and you’d like to transfer it to him? Why should your builder lose out?
And get rid of this thieving loser boyfriend after Christmas. Does he add any value to you life at all/have any redeeming features?

notdaddycool · 19/12/2020 09:39

Get rid

tigerlily20 · 19/12/2020 09:42

@TikTokFinger I've got some more work for him after Christmas so I'll give him the tip then

OP posts:
Divebar · 19/12/2020 09:42

Why is he not working just out of interest?. I went by a recruitment office a couple of weeks ago and they had huge signs in the window with a whole load of roles on temporary contracts. Nothing fancy but it would be money for Christmas. Was there absolutely nothing in your area?

TheQueef · 19/12/2020 09:46

If he is addicted to gambling he may have set up secret funding, sorry to add to your woes but you need to check credit files etc if he's brazen enough to just unilaterally decide where your money is spent I would be checking.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 19/12/2020 09:51

Not making excuses but it feels like it was all more of a punishment for me rather than a compulsion

That makes it worse. Hoof his harris out. He blew it by thieving. Any sympathy about his situation would be gone after his arrogance about what you do with your money. And then pocketing it because he could.

JustLikeStitch · 19/12/2020 09:53

You’re more upset that he stole a builders tip than wasted all his money on gambling while there’s bills and a child that need taken care of? You’ve got your priorities wrong here, though I absolutely understand why you’re mad he stole the tip.

1FootInTheRave · 19/12/2020 10:06

He is an utter loser. Likely always will be.

Glad you are getting rid.

I honestly don't get how folk have so little self respect that they'd stay with such a waste of space.

tigerlily20 · 19/12/2020 10:11

It was just the last straw. I was upset about the gambling, we had so many arguments about it, I've been trying to make him see sense since he started, but honestly I thought it was just a phase that he would overcome. And deep down I thought he was a good person and that I supported him when he was low and he would do the same in return. But then this has made me question his morals like if it came down to it he would probably throw me under the proverbial bus. I think it would be better just me and the kids. No bad influence, no stress, growing up in a calm household. Sounds idyllic.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 19/12/2020 10:13

I wish people would stop 'tipping' tradesmen. It's embarrassing.

rainbowstardrops · 19/12/2020 10:18

OP, your thieving partner claiming to have no where to go isn't your problem.
Having a sly, thieving, lazy arse under your roof and around your children, is your problem.
It's your house. You pay the bills. You can tell him to bugger off!

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 19/12/2020 10:35

If he has
Money he can move to a travel lodge ! Get him out ASAP!

MotherExtraordinaire · 19/12/2020 10:46

@tigerlily20

Recently we needed some building work done at home by a local, reliable tradesmen, I wasn't at home at the time but gave dp the exact amount of the price of the works in cash plus a tip in a sealed envelope with the name of the builder on. He was staying at the property whilst the work was going on, so was able to pass on the envelope. He rang me later in the day to ask how much the work was going to be and I told him and asked why and he said he was counting through the money. I was annoyed as the envelope was sealed and I counted the money more than once but brushed it off and forgot about it. Fast forward weeks later, dp off-handedly said he had taken the tip out of the money for the builder and kept it for his own. I am annoyed but he says he can't see the big deal (I refuse to believe he doesn't know this was wrong), he didn't give the money back to me or tell me at the time or ring me to ask. I am fuming, aibu?
So it's a joint home and joint savings?

If so, yabu to have expected him to have paid the builder a tip out of joint money without consulting him.

If however, you were solely paying (why if so?) and then yanbu.

happinessischocolate · 19/12/2020 10:59

@tigerlily20

I asked him to leave last night, he said he would but he didn't end up going. He doesn't have any family and nowhere to go so I would essentially be making him homeless just before Christmas. I don't think he deserves anymore of my kindness though, he's obviously treating me like a mug and if he could do this and lie about it then who knows what else he's done. My trust is broken.
He's a grown man and not your responsibility, I let an ex stay because I thought he was sorting a place out to move to, he repaid me by stealing stuff from me. I was lucky In that the stole stuff I initially didn't notice as it was rarely used, but the kids have TVs and xboxes in their rooms so it could have been a lot worse.

If you think he was doing it as revenge or punishment then get him out before he takes more as "punishment"

FizzyPink · 19/12/2020 12:29

@Viviennemary

I wish people would stop 'tipping' tradesmen. It's embarrassing.
Why is it embarrassing? When we had our garden done in the summer the guys we went with charged half the cost of some other quotes we had and then did a fabulous job. They also worked extremely quickly plus. late nights to get it done for us in time for the weekend which they absolutely didn’t have to do.

They were very grateful of a tip and bottle of champagne each with they thoroughly deserved.

Plumplumbadum · 19/12/2020 12:38

@Viviennemary

I wish people would stop 'tipping' tradesmen. It's embarrassing.
Don't be so utterly ridiculous.
chipsandgin · 19/12/2020 13:29

My DH is a tradesman & in can assure you if someone paid him an additional amount, whether they called it a tip, a bonus or a thank you for a great job done then it’s not ‘embarrassing’ it’s very much appreciated thank you!

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