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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Missing money

158 replies

tigerlily20 · 18/12/2020 20:37

Recently we needed some building work done at home by a local, reliable tradesmen, I wasn't at home at the time but gave dp the exact amount of the price of the works in cash plus a tip in a sealed envelope with the name of the builder on. He was staying at the property whilst the work was going on, so was able to pass on the envelope. He rang me later in the day to ask how much the work was going to be and I told him and asked why and he said he was counting through the money. I was annoyed as the envelope was sealed and I counted the money more than once but brushed it off and forgot about it. Fast forward weeks later, dp off-handedly said he had taken the tip out of the money for the builder and kept it for his own. I am annoyed but he says he can't see the big deal (I refuse to believe he doesn't know this was wrong), he didn't give the money back to me or tell me at the time or ring me to ask. I am fuming, aibu?

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 18/12/2020 22:40

What was his reasoning for taking it? Was he even contrite? Why would you bother? It’s your house, you pay all the bills, he has issues. It sounds like you have a grown up child too..

willowmelangell · 18/12/2020 22:41

I would be fuming too. I would find a way to 'take' £20(xyz) off dp and get it to tradesman.

ComDummings · 18/12/2020 22:44

I wouldn’t be able to trust him again tbh. That is low. I don’t get why he told you though. Because he could have nicked it and got away without you knowing, couldn’t he?

2020iscancelled · 18/12/2020 22:48

That’s actually appalling!

And he also has a totally cavalier attitude about it.

It’s your house, your money and your tradesman relationship. Your DP had no right to even open that envelope. He had no right to decide whether you tipped the tradesman or not. And he certainly had absolutely no right or justification for taking the cash for himself

Now it’s come to light he hasn’t even offered it back or apologised.

He is telling you who he is. It’s up to you if you chose to ignore it or make some serious changes.

Absolute liberty

tigerlily20 · 18/12/2020 22:54

He told me because he was going to the shop and looking for money and asked if I had cash, I said no and he said (presumably slipped up) he had X amount cash and then had to explain where the cash was from as he hasn't worked in over a year and doesn't have any money except for the furlough payout which he wasted on online gambling.

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 18/12/2020 22:56

@tigerlily20 your update is not good, why are you with this guy?

ginandwineandbaileys · 18/12/2020 23:00

DUMP him.

BibbityBobbityBellend · 18/12/2020 23:02

He doesn't seem to add much value.

This also sounds like a final straw.

Does he have redeeming qualities?

CabinClose · 18/12/2020 23:03

So he’s an unemployed thief and a gambling addict? What a catch.

HeronLanyon · 18/12/2020 23:06

Gambling no money and so stealing from you. This is only going one way - sounds an absolute shit tbh. Do what you can to move in with your life.

Honeyroar · 18/12/2020 23:07

What do you think about all this OP? He sounds awful.☹️

LannieDuck · 18/12/2020 23:09

I'm with the others - he's a thief. And it sounds like he didn't have a lot going for him even before that.

CausingChaos2 · 18/12/2020 23:10

He sounds like a millstone around your neck. Are you ok?

tigerlily20 · 18/12/2020 23:20

There's so much I want to get off my chest, but I can't write it all... I've made a lot excuses for him... bereavement, mental health, a boring life- he's always said he's bored, doesn't want a boring, normal life... made me feel guilty (but not in an obvious way) I felt like I'd trapped him here with me and he needed some excitement, an outlet. Felt like I deserved this, I'm not good enough, maybe if he does this he'll be happy with me blah blah. Anyway, now I can see he's being emotionally and financially abusive.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/12/2020 23:22

If you feel as though you trapped this man, then set him free. Problem solved.

Honeyroar · 18/12/2020 23:24

Give him something different that he’s not had in the marriage before - a divorce! You most certainly haven’t trapped him, you’ve carried him. HE doesn’t deserve you, and YOU deserve better.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 18/12/2020 23:30

Oh he’d be gone.

Thieving git.

babbi · 18/12/2020 23:30

You’re too good for him OP.
Get rid of this waster and you will thrive ...
don’t feel guilty about him ...
he’s appalling .
Good luck

Lalliella · 18/12/2020 23:46

He’s a control freak and a thief. Dump.

IndieTara · 18/12/2020 23:49

Did he apologise?

caringcarer · 18/12/2020 23:57

He just wanted to undermine you. No need for him to open a sealed envelope. I am not surprised you are furious with him.

tigerlily20 · 18/12/2020 23:59

No and we haven't spoken since. I don't think he is sorry either though.

OP posts:
Pet8 · 19/12/2020 00:00

Get rid of him. Now.

DisappointedOfNorfolk · 19/12/2020 00:27

He is a thief, and a cocklodger with a gambling problem... doesn't sound a great catch to me!

You own your house, you aren't married I presume as you call him 'D'P so I would get rid. You can't trust him and it sounds like he has nothing positive to bring to your family or relationship - does he have any good points?

You are worth more than being lied to, stolen from and disrespected every day in your own home. He is a loser. Get rid.

chipsandgin · 19/12/2020 00:53

He’s a thief and a cocklodger!? You own the house so presumably getting rid just frees you of him without being put at a financial disadvantage, unless he’s either got a golden magic cock or is father of the year then what is stopping you?

Also, taking that money was really grubby of him, I’d find it very hard to move past that. Let him go and live the exciting life he wants (good luck with no cash mate..) without you supporting him and then you should find a decent, kind, honest man to be a better role model to your kids..

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