To ask how you talk to the elderly?

[malificent7]

Do you talk to them gently using language like ' dear', 'lovely', or do you talk to them. "normally " as you would to an adult of your own age? Does this change if they are infirm? Cannot elaborate as outing.

@GrolliffetheDragon

^If you follow the example of the nurses in my local hospital, asking anybody aged 70 or over about the war is always a great conversation starter. And in residential care, playing music from the 1920s/30s is a definite winner - reminds people of their teens. Even if they used to dance to The Beatles or The Rolling Stones.^

I expect they'll still be doing it if I ever end up in a care home in 40 or so years. Which is probably better than the alternative of the bloody Spice Girls and Take That...

LOL

My DH is in his 70s. He doesn't remember the war.

And I will shoot anyone who plays Vera Lynn to me when I'm in a home.

@Magpiecomplex

The same reason I have an issue with male teachers being Sir and female teachers being Miss. Why are women not deserving of the same level of respect as men?

One of my local schools, it's Sir and Ma'am.

A very old man and I passed each other walking our dogs yesterday and we had a brief exchange. It would have been mean of me to be patronising simply because he was quite old. That way of speaking, for most people, isn't authentic. To presume that's how every old person wants to be spoken to is patronising.

He was a lawyer, very, very old fashioned. None of his staff would have dreamed of calling him by his first name. But the young nurses did.

You could tell he absolutely hated it. None of the family dared say anything as the hospital was pretty grim (so were some of the staff) and we didn't want any repercussions.

Sympathy with your father. But it is also in some ways an example of how you can't always just speak to older people exactly like 24yos as an expression of their common humanity. Some of them will be outraged. I think sometimes we underestimate just what our expectations of young people are, in terms of how briskly and straightforward we are, how we expect them to jump to orders and just get on with it.

In Kings College hospital I once saw a poster depicting a woman of senior years. The caption read "I am not your dear. My closest friends call me Anne, but everyone else addresses me as Dr. Franklin".

The horror of care homes is made worse by unquestioned segregation. Apartheid by skin colour was considered wrong. What makes apartheid by age right?

I find older people more likely to say "lovey" or "dear", I wouldnt consider using them for anyone of any age, as I think I'm too young to speak like that , and it wouldnt come naturally at all!

Do you talk to them gently using language like ' dear', 'lovely'

My gran would have wiped the floor with you if you'd have spoken to her like that 🤣

Assuming you are at Buckingham Palace to receive your well deserved award, and unexpectedly encounter Elizabeth and Charles and their partners, all seniors of course. Possibly the President of America and The Pope, and David Attenborough, all happen to be there that day, and you encounter them too. Seniors, again.

Will you adopt a particular voice, and will you call every one of them "'dear, love" etc.? Will you assume none of them can comprehend anything that didn't happen before 1940? And none of them could appreciate any music except Vera Lynn? And all of them can and should be rounded up and shoved in a segregated place far away from fully human (i.e. young) people?

Some people have got their timing out. Anyone who was 10 years old at the end of the war would be 85 now. No one under that age is going to remember it or relate to wartime music. Their teenage years were 1950s Rock around the Clock type stuff. My Mum would be over 100 now , you are talking about the type of stuff she would relate to. It is manners to ask how people would like to be addressed. For an outpatient appointment, GP etc I would prefer Mrs/Mr/Dr Surname, particularly if I was addressing the other party as Dr Xxxx. If I had a long term relationship with someone like a district nurse and was very ill and scared I would prefer a less formal approach and a love or pet or whatever the local equivalent might be more acceptable. I would address them by first name and talk to them similarly though, so there wouldn't be a patronising inbalance.

When my DM was in hospital aged 80 every single person that came to deal with her while I was there shouted. Jolly shouting, but totally unnecessary as there's absolutely nothing wrong with her hearing. She's very intelligent and held a respected professional job, and despite feeling dreadful, quietly put each person who spoke to her like she was as a half wit with a hearing problem very much in their place.

I think you should talk to people normally, but I'm also inclined to be careful about assuming any kind of endearments at all are patronising.

I work with children a lot, and I don't believe in patronising them either, and yet endearments can be fine and even appropriate sometimes.

There can also be significant cultural and regional differences to how people speak. Changes in address due to age can be meant as respectful rather than patronising.

Sometimes objections to endearments can be more about class snobbishness than anything, too, or meant to elevate the person over the carer - you see this less with doctors and more with nurses of in-home care workers.

Some people, under stress or receiving intimate care, much prefer a carer be more formal, because it makes them feel less violated. Othr people really prefer the opposite, because that makes them feel more comfortable. Some people in care situations are starved for affection, including verbal affection, and want that. Some feel people are not listening to them and want some visible signs of respect.

There isn't really one answer, IMO. I generally think it is best in these situations to be sensitive to the person being cared for, but also to just be yourself. If you are from a region where everyone uses endearments, I don't think it's necessary to change that all the time just because, though you also have to try and be situation appropriate.

The other side of that is patients need to try and realise that their carers also come from a lot of different backgrounds and have their own personalities.

My MIL, an intelligent and articulate 79 year old, had to go into hospital with heart problems. I was shocked at the HCA giving her the little old lady singsong "shall I get you a cup of tea, flower?" . I felt like saying her name is Mary (or Mrs Nono) and she's not your flower, she's ill, not stupid! It's not just the term, it's the tone. It was obvious as soon as she had a gown on and was looking a bit frail she was reduced to generic "Old Lady Patient".

I've noticed with both my mum and MIL that the older they get, and health problems developed, the less seriously they are taken by the system. They get multiple drugs thrown at them for different conditions that are never explained properly. I'm constantly saying, go back to GP and get them to explain it and write it down for you. "Oh I don't want to bother them". It worries me the more you need the health service the worse it treats you and the less strength you have to push for proper treatment and communication. (This isn't NHS bashing I appreciate the pressure).

Regional duck/love/pet is a bit different and certainly round here anyone of any age gets m'ducked, not in that patronising way though.

I talk to my parents normally but do sometimes say something like.

'You need to take your pills now. No, you havent taken them, they are here. Yes they are your pills. Yes you have to take all of them'.

Which can be on repeat for a hour before they take them.

Which sometimes feels like i am talking to my kids.

Not strictly on topic, but just remembered a lovely middle aged Cornish (?) shop assistant who, in London, startled customers in our corner shop, until they became charmed and accustomed to being multiply endeared, young and old, men, women and children all alike, with ( "duck, my precious, love, my darling, sweetheart" as they went through her till, including being called the particular local variant she brought from her home area: "my lover".

P.S. This was not offensive simply because it was obviously a manner of speech perfectly innocent and as natural to her as breathing, and it would almost certainly have been the way she would, indeed, address the Queen.

There are/were parts where every woman is 'hen' and parts where both men and women are 'man'. That must confuse the non-locals!

I talk to them normally, as I would want to be addressed when I reach that age. I can’t stand being patronised now and I don’t imagine I’ll be a fan of it when I’m elderly either!

LOL.

My parents are 89. They bought their clothes in Carnaby St. my Mum had an original Mary Quant dress. They queued up to buy the new Beatles record.

They are now frail and have carers to help shower, dress, cook etc. But they still talk about politics and art and music.

They have never called anyone except their children and grandchildren ‘dear’ or ‘lovey’ or ‘darling’ etc.

Though they would expect to be called ‘Mi Duck’ in their home town
Shout out to all the Notts / Derbys MNers

Ey up duck!

I talk to them normally and with respect. Like I do to everybody else.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs I live near derby and worked in Nottingham

Your parents sound great!

Ha! Maybe we should have our own board called “Ey Up Me Duck” or “Areet Duck?”

I haven’t lived in Nottingham for decades but still have my accent.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs saands good to me, duckie

@SenecaFallsRedux

asking anybody aged 70 or over about the war is always a great conversation starter.

What war? People in their 70s? Vietnam, maybe?

I obviously didn't make it clear that that was exactly my point.
Or perhaps you didn't read the rest of my post.

If you follow the example of the nurses in my local hospital, asking anybody aged 70 or over about the war is always a great conversation starter.
And in residential care, playing music from the 1920s/30s is a definite winner - reminds people of their teens.
Even if they used to dance to The Beatles or The Rolling Stones.

A bit of basic arithmetic being used would be a good idea: eg Mrs X is 80. She was 5 when the war ended, so maybe don't keep asking how she managed her ration book. This kept happening to a lady in the bed next to me on a ward. I rather think they thought she was muddled when she kept telling them it was her mother who did all that.

See?