To ask how you talk to the elderly?

[malificent7]

Do you talk to them gently using language like ' dear', 'lovely', or do you talk to them. "normally " as you would to an adult of your own age? Does this change if they are infirm? Cannot elaborate as outing.

I actually have never minded Love, or Dear or MeDuck or any other 'endearments' whatever age I was.

But speak to me 'gently' as though you're metaphorically patting me on the head and you're likely to lose yours...

@Walkingthedog46

I’m old. When someone addresses me as ‘young lady’ it gives me the rage. So patronising.

Exactly, at 72 you address me in these patronising ways at your peril.

Depends on the person. I don't use slang or swear words around my Grandad. I pronounce all my Ts and Hs too because thats what he expects.

I used to work in a care home. I had a handful of residents who I called "my lovely" or "sweetheart" because they liked it and called me the same. Others were Mr or Mrs Surname. Others were their first name. Others were nicknames. But other than speaking louder and slower if needed for hearing loss I spoke to them the same as I speak to anyone.

I'm 65 and nobody has started talking to me that way (apart from the occasional 'duck' as above).

I talk to them normally, I know I would find it terribly patronising to be baby talked to. Actually if anyone called me love/dear now I would massively object so not sure why people feel just because someone is older they would appreciate that?

I've worked with older people, and you know what? They are just like younger people, except maybe a bit frailer. It doesn't help anyone to adopt are different tone of voice when talking to older people. I can remember how irritated I was when the Health Visitor used to address me a 'mum' - as in, so is mum doing? Aaaaaargh. I would imagine older people feel the same being addressed as lovey, sweetheart, darling etc

Very loudly. To my mum anyway as she is deaf as a post.

Like I talk to younger people. I’m 60 and have been getting a few Ah bless, Sweetheart comments of late and I bloody hate it. I feel patronised and belittled.

I think tone and volume of voice depends on the person you are with. If they are a bit deaf then speak up and if they are unwell or anxious then speak gently but there is no reason imo to use endearments especially in a baby talky sort of a way.

I don't use "elderly speak" and I find love/dear/darling patronising (unless it's your partner and they like it), so I speak to older people normally. But... normal speak for me is very polite, and I've noticed the way some younger people speak is very casual and informal and I wouldn't use that when speaking to someone older, especially my older parents/grandparents generation. That's not intended as young bashing, just an observation.

I do come from a part of the county where everyone called you duckie - eyup duckie BUT my point that endearments are used much more with me now I'm getting older. It sounds patronising.

I normally call everyone Darling but I think I can get away with it if I say it in a posh, slightly theatrical manner.

I havr the rage about this. I have negative feedback for talking to a 74 year old woman in the same way as i spoke to the 24 year old lad...well yes...they are both human.

I remember many years ago when I was in hospital, in a gyne ward, as it happens, so there was a huge variety of ages there.

One morning an older woman was admitted to the bed next to mine.

She had been a private nanny all her working life, she told me, was clearly of the old school and still had that old fashion nanny manner.

Soon after she was admitted, one of the, very young, student nurses came into the room and started, not only addressing her by her first name, but did it in a special 'reserved for old women' tone of voice.

She was clearly furious and rather shocked, something the nurse seemed completely oblivious to.

I have no idea if she ever said anything but I suspect not.

Perhaps, people who work with older people need a bit more training around these situations.

I don't mind people calling me by my first name but I do object to them doing it in a tone they'd use when talking to a rather dim pet dog.

I talk to them normally. Unless its my deaf neighbour and then I just agree with what he thought he heard.

[quote Leaannb]@CaptainMyCaptain...Its just rude[/quote]
What is? Calling people 'duck'? Where I live it is a universal form of address or, at least it used to be I think its dying out a bit. I don't use it myself but it's used with all ages, man to man, woman to woman, woman to man, man to woman, older to younger, younger to older etc etc.

Although an ex pupil of mine got reprimanded for calling the judge 'duck' in court. That was a step too far.

I say fuck a lot to my 97 year old grandad when I visit him in his care home and am telling him about what's been happening in my life, but I would say that to everyone. He finds it highly entertaining

I work in care. You generally get to know who needs what tone pretty quick but I never use "elderspeak" the words I use are always the same. It's only my tone that changes, for example, a resident with dementia who needs a bit of chivvying along will probably respond better to a bright cheerful tone than your normal speaking voice. Most residents you'll speak to in your normal voice.

We're discouraged from using terms which are overfamiliar, particularly with residents who have dementia. Imagine being in a shower room or bedroom with an eighty year old who firmly believes he is 21 and calling him "love" or "darling" while assisting him to undress...

I'm all for just being yourself. However, I guess guess the flip side is if you're in a home where every single staff member acts in one way, and you're very different, some of the residents might think you're being rude? Is there any chance they think you're just not being kind and friendly enough as opposed to babying people?

If you follow the example of the nurses in my local hospital, asking anybody aged 70 or over about the war is always a great conversation starter.
And in residential care, playing music from the 1920s/30s is a definite winner - reminds people of their teens.
Even if they used to dance to The Beatles or The Rolling Stones.

A bit of basic arithmetic being used would be a good idea: eg Mrs X is 80. She was 5 when the war ended, so maybe don't keep asking how she managed her ration book. This kept happening to a lady in the bed next to me on a ward. I rather think they thought she was muddled when she kept telling them it was her mother who did all that.

A relative is in a care home. I’m guessing the staff think they’re addressing him “normally”.
But they’re not.
it’s all patronising sing-song tone, and they don’t LISTEN to him. EG he’s never seen the point of Christmas crackers, never worn daft hats, doesn’t like puddings, hates sweets and chocolate, water with meals, coffee is for the morning, tea is for afternoons, fruit juice is for children only.... but I can guarantee he’ll be railroaded into all these things next week. In his own (care) home.
Residents go along with it because they feel they have to “be nice” (or because they don’t have the faculties to object).

Saz12. That just so shitty. It’s what I’m dreading if I have to go into a care home. There’s no room for individuality and celebrations end up being like kids parties but with Vera Lynn on the sound system .

@malificent7

I am very respectful and call the men Sir which some dont like so i adjust accordingly.

Why start by presuming the men want to be called "Sir" when you've already established that a number of them don't like to be addressed that way?

@UserEleventyNine

Having done a research essay on. " elderspeak" ....

Surely 'elderspeak' is itself a patronising term, since it seems to presume that elderly people should be spoken to differently from how you'd speak to anyone else?

I'd have thought the term was coined to recognise that there can be a tendency to speak to older people in a certain way - not that this is the recommended way to communicate with them.

Well, as WHO seem to think I am one of the elderly (though I don't feel it), I'll settle for politely.

I'd also like it to be a 2 way thing.

I can cope with "love", "duck" etc and am likely to use the same terminology right back at you.

Respect and compassion is everything and will shine through, despite the words you use, within reason.

Similarly, you can use all the correct words you want but if you really couldn't give a toss, we "elderly" will suss you out.

I would go back to the person at work, OP, and open up the conversation again.

Having supervised heath worker trainees in a former life, I learned as much from them, as they did from me, because they saw things with fresh eyes.