Get over yourself, "friend"!

[FriendlyDolphin]

In 2021 I'm going to be done with apologising. Somehow I've always felt in the wrong with some of my friends, and maybe I am, but I would actually rather stick with the friends who are on my wave length rather than constantly grovel and apologise to friends who arent.

For the record:

• I won't be replying to your long, meandering, endless stream of messages about your emotional life STRAIGHT AWAY because I DONT WANT TO. These arent "hi hows it going?" messages. If I feel like I need to take a few weeks to respond then I will.
• I will be feeling free to cancel. Yes, okay, we made plans to have coffee 2 weeks ago, and now with three days to go it's not convenient anymore. Sorry about that. Until now I've just gone with it because whenever I have cancelled in the past you have sulked. From now on I will be cancelling if it's not convenient anymore. You are completely entitled to find that rude. I personally find it rude to be that uptight - why would you rather someone feel guiltripped into seeing you despite telling you they have work piled up, than postpone? Weird. If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly received.
• If i don't feel like being in touch, I won't be. I dont actually owe you check ins or continuous dialoguing. In fact my closest friend, we can go a month without checking in - because we respect one another and figure that the other must have stuff going on and will be in touch when she can catch her breath. It's about trust and security.

Basically, I am not a product - when we became friends you didnt take out a "subscription" to me, with a set number of hours owed. Maybe if you were a little lighter and a little less focused on what YOU "get out" of the friendship you would learn to appreciate people for who they are, and accept their different ways of being rather than try to bend them into your own shape. Which makes them snap. Maybe enjoy people for what they bring and how they make you feel, rather than hold them up to your own ideals constantly.

Basically, in 2021 I will be doing what feels right to me, and I'm sorry if that doesnt work for you

Sounds to me like the trash taking itself out. Happy for your friend

Surprised you have any friends to cancel on tbh.

I think mature people should be able to slide out of a friendship that has run it's course without ending things. Just drift away.

Unfortunately some people just refuse to take massive massive hints and you can end up resenting contact.

I think the expectation of people continually emotionally dumping on friends is really alarming... and expecting them to just suck it up because you are friends is pretty vile... Live you life OP.. dump the person that really isn't a friend.

I think your main goal should be to phase these "friends" out of your life. It seems like they literally drain your energy and every time you talk to them more resentment builds. It's fine to outgrow friends and realise that you aren't a good match any more.

I've only had one experience with a friend like this. She wanted my undivided attention at any given moment and it was just drama after drama that I was expected to help with. I gradually became more distant and we don't speak now but haven't fallen out or anything. Would still say hi if I saw her, and occasionally "like" posts on social media etc. I'm much happier for it!

@Newtothis213

Surprised you have any friends to cancel on tbh.

👏🏻🙄

Imagine putting up with some crashing bore who used controlling you. Imagine kind posters on an online thread actually advising you to do that.

Pfft

...who is controlling you...

This is perfect. Exactly how I feel. Yay to us!

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

isn't this doing what your friend is doing, emotional dumping? Do you not think reading this might be triggering for some people who have been on the receiving end of disrespectful behaviour?

This is a crock, I'm afraid.

It's an internet forum full of strangers. We are all (most of us) grown adults. If we think we are going to be 'triggered' by the content of anyone's thread it's the easiest thing in the world to scroll on past. No one is forcing us to read anything, or to interact with it if we do read it. It's a free choice.

Exactly. Any chance to make a splash from some. Laughable.

@Funkyfriends

I’m not using emotional blackmail but it is a subject that I’m extremely sensitive about. I agree with you that no one is responsible for someone else’s mental health. However in OP’s original post she said that she has someone messaging her about her emotional life which sounds to me like someone reaching out. If this is not the case then I apologise. If OP doesn’t want to deal with that then that’s fine but she should tell that person that she can’t be a crutch not play silly games with them, allowing them to offload on you and meet up and then cancelling at the last minute, not replying, that’s a really shitty thing to do and if that person is suffering from mental health issues it can be really damaging.

I’m sensitive to this because I have suffered really badly with my mental health and was in a really bad place and I know how important it is to have good support around you and if someone doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with that then they need to actually say that because if they are a friend they are the person you are going to turn to.

And to whoever said about having a lovely Christmas, no I won’t be because 2020 has been a shit year and a lot of people are suffering with their mental health including me.

I agree

If you don't like these people (and it really sounds like you don't) then tell them and end the friendship.

I don't understand your approach of seemingly trying to be as rude as possible in the hopes they will want to end the friendship. Just makes it look like you want them to do the actual 'dumping' so you don't have to be the bad guy.

At one point I was suffering really badly with my mental health due to a long undiagnosed physical illness which was causing me pain and a friend aggressively responded to a message I'd written which was, I realise, very self involved. They were so cruel that it left me bereft for a few days. It was worse as this was a friendship I'd developed after being introduced by my now husband. I spoke to my family about it and they said that a friend who can't be there for you when you're in need is no friend at all. I realised they were right and went to very low contact. Six years later we're not in touch at all and my husband doesn't see her anymore. Even despite all that I still occasionally think about how that message made me feel when I was at my lowest ever ebb.
If you need to step back, I understand. Please do it with kindness.

@Funkyfriends Caroline Flack's awful situation is is not comparable. I'm sorry you're sensitive to the situation.
I wouldn't use that line to anyone it is unfair to blame a person on another person MH issues.
I've been there it is very hard to be a constant for a needy person who is capable and thinking of suicide.

@Fatladyslim

If you don't like these people (and it really sounds like you don't) then tell them and end the friendship.

I don't understand your approach of seemingly trying to be as rude as possible in the hopes they will want to end the friendship. Just makes it look like you want them to do the actual 'dumping' so you don't have to be the bad guy.

Exactly! That's what some here don't seem to understand.

No one's telling OP to put up with those who drain her.

People are saying either dump them or be a better friend. Don't just create no clear boundaries and string people along hoping they can make the hard decision for you.

If she doesn't like this friend (and she has a right not to) and the friend doesn't seem to be getting OP's subtle hints, then OP should cut all contacts completely. Don't make it about her being a terrible person for not taking the hint. Some people can take hints, some can't.

OP has clearly reach breaking point... it's understandable..

Yet I can imagine you’re the type who would find this behaviour in reverse appalling.

In times like this we should want to check on our friends emotional well-being. I don’t think you are a friend if you’re not concerned with your friends welfare.

Yes you can put yourself first but you make time for this who are important to you.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

isn't this doing what your friend is doing, emotional dumping? Do you not think reading this might be triggering for some people who have been on the receiving end of disrespectful behaviour?

This is a crock, I'm afraid.

It's an internet forum full of strangers. We are all (most of us) grown adults. If we think we are going to be 'triggered' by the content of anyone's thread it's the easiest thing in the world to scroll on past. No one is forcing us to read anything, or to interact with it if we do read it. It's a free choice.

100%. And yes to the pp who said that this a weird thread.

What is an internet forum for, if you can't vent? I mean - the worst that used to happen is that people might not bother to engage.

You can be my friend, OP. This is exactly how I run friendships

I think you might be every one of my friends

I’ve not had one response to messages or cards sent and as I’m on maternity leave so feel a bit forgotten about

As PP stated:
'If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly relieved’

I think this says it all OP! Your approach to the concept of friendship is clearly very different to this persons. Not replying to messages ‘for weeks’ and continually cancelling arranged meetings is not part of a sustainable friendship.

If I arrange to have coffee with a friend frequently I have arranged work around and looked forward to it ( maybe arranged annual leave). I would be very pissed off if they suddenly changed it ( unless for understandable circumstances).

[quote ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf]@FriendlyDolphin, I understand where you're coming from, and I wish you luck.

The majority of responses on this thread are disgusting.
Suggesting the OP might be responsible for someone else's mental health is despicable[/quote]
I agree. I was astonished when I voted YANBU and saw the vote for YABU. I was then very sad to see the nasty comments here.

Can’t imagine you’ll have any friends to offend next year anyway. You sound vile

Hope you aren't one of my "friends"

Not unreasonable as long as you are putting as much effort into the friendship as they are. I have a friend you’ve described perfectly and I am giving up trying.