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AIBU?

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Original poster

Get over yourself, "friend"!

260 replies

FriendlyDolphin · 17/12/2020 05:44

In 2021 I'm going to be done with apologising. Somehow I've always felt in the wrong with some of my friends, and maybe I am, but I would actually rather stick with the friends who are on my wave length rather than constantly grovel and apologise to friends who arent.

For the record:

  • I won't be replying to your long, meandering, endless stream of messages about your emotional life STRAIGHT AWAY because I DONT WANT TO. These arent "hi hows it going?" messages. If I feel like I need to take a few weeks to respond then I will.
  • I will be feeling free to cancel. Yes, okay, we made plans to have coffee 2 weeks ago, and now with three days to go it's not convenient anymore. Sorry about that. Until now I've just gone with it because whenever I have cancelled in the past you have sulked. From now on I will be cancelling if it's not convenient anymore. You are completely entitled to find that rude. I personally find it rude to be that uptight - why would you rather someone feel guiltripped into seeing you despite telling you they have work piled up, than postpone? Weird. If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly received.
  • If i don't feel like being in touch, I won't be. I dont actually owe you check ins or continuous dialoguing. In fact my closest friend, we can go a month without checking in - because we respect one another and figure that the other must have stuff going on and will be in touch when she can catch her breath. It's about trust and security.

Basically, I am not a product - when we became friends you didnt take out a "subscription" to me, with a set number of hours owed. Maybe if you were a little lighter and a little less focused on what YOU "get out" of the friendship you would learn to appreciate people for who they are, and accept their different ways of being rather than try to bend them into your own shape. Which makes them snap. Maybe enjoy people for what they bring and how they make you feel, rather than hold them up to your own ideals constantly.

Basically, in 2021 I will be doing what feels right to me, and I'm sorry if that doesnt work for you

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendlyDolphin · 17/12/2020 18:53

@MarieIVanArkleStinks
You are so kind. Thank you. 💐

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 17/12/2020 18:55

i agree you've been treated horribly on this particularly ugly thread

I do too. I think that open letter, dear diary style is a bit wanky and some of your comments have been odd, but nothing to justify the barrage of abuse. I really think people have read what others posted and gone all in themselves.

Funny op’ place the internet isn’t it.

Emeraldshamrock · 17/12/2020 18:58

Are you going to send it? Just end the friendship this friend obviously bugs the life out of you.
She sounds draining I agree with you I've experienced the type. Wink

BlueThistles · 17/12/2020 19:03

I think you've been drained for years OP... your so called friend has actually drained to life out of you... cut her off now Flowers

Emeraldshamrock · 17/12/2020 19:24

This place is very nasty. It comes across how distressed OP is with this friendship and little reading between the lines mixed with empathy wouldn't hurt.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/12/2020 19:32

I gotta say that this emotional blackmail using Flack is pretty shitty thing to do. I hate seeing it here especially because it usually goes with "be kindbitch" and it is aimed to make women do whatever they are supposed to do to "be kind". It's also incredibly shit to essentially say that someone's suicide is someone else's fault in this case. Shitty, shitty thing to do.

Emeraldshamrock · 17/12/2020 19:58

I gotta say that this emotional blackmail using Flack is pretty shitty thing to do Agreed my jaw opened for that line.

TaraR2020 · 17/12/2020 20:00

Op, I'm glad you've posted a bit of background.

Sadly, your initial post (and I know you've said it was a rant) didn't come across very sympathetically but with more info I can see why you're so worn out by this friendship.

It does sound like it's a good time to step back from it and let the friendship pass. And you're right, of course, that true old friends can go months or longer without speaking and the friendship doesn't change. Friends like that are treasures.

I'd perhaps suggest that it might be worth talking to your friend about the degree to which she offloads on you, but it sounds as if you've gone a bit past that now. And it's certainly better to rant here than it would be to her.

It's not always easy drawing up new boundaries in relationships but it sounds like you're going to get a great sense of relief from it. It sounds emotionally draining. Wishing you the best of luck Flowers

Janegrey333 · 17/12/2020 20:07

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I gotta say that this emotional blackmail using Flack is pretty shitty thing to do. I hate seeing it here especially because it usually goes with "be kindbitch" and it is aimed to make women do whatever they are supposed to do to "be kind". It's also incredibly shit to essentially say that someone's suicide is someone else's fault in this case. Shitty, shitty thing to do.
Yes, the Caroline Flack implications are really nasty and unpleasant. I wonder if the posters who have been been indulging themselves in this way, are hoping to have a lovely Christmas? The irony.
queenofknives · 17/12/2020 20:13

@Emeraldshamrock

I gotta say that this emotional blackmail using Flack is pretty shitty thing to do Agreed my jaw opened for that line.
That is unbelievably horrible.
ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf · 17/12/2020 20:16

@FriendlyDolphin, I understand where you're coming from, and I wish you luck.

The majority of responses on this thread are disgusting.
Suggesting the OP might be responsible for someone else's mental health is despicable

stillcantremembermyusername · 17/12/2020 20:17

I don't think this thread has been a pile on at all. The OP has said herself word for word that Granted I have also been unfair. Its not right to cancel plans at the last minute. That is disrespectful. It's also disrespectful to leave people hanging for weeks rather than just quickly let them know that I'm not really available right now The OP has said this herself. This is what people were reacting to - the fact that the OP has not treated someone very well. And lots of people have given good advice about managing friendships.

And in response to this, the OP, though she knows that what she has done is disrespectful and not ok, then attacks posters and be disrespectful again by saying But frankly if some of you get your kicks out of calling people a dick or twat and make sweeping judgments on people you dont know, wrapped in your dressing gown over your morning coffee, just for laughs I am sorry OP, but this is not ok.

I do think you could do with some help irl about how to deal with difficult relationships, it will help you cope and help you deal with people assertively, ie putting in place reasonable boundaries while still respecting other people.

BabyLlamaZen · 17/12/2020 20:19

Op it sounds like you are very stressed! What do you expect of your friends in return? It sounds like you want to do what you want and not really be a friend at all. Confused

stillcantremembermyusername · 17/12/2020 20:27

Just someone who received yet another message last night demanding that I call them tomorrow because they needed my help deciphering a situation I really don't think that this warrants what you have said here though. Most of us have people like this in our lives. I have a relative with MH problems who is like this. Most people have difficult relationships.

Did it ever occur to you, amidst your frothing, that perhaps ranting (and yes granted it was ranting) was just an outlet I needed to let out the aggression I DO NOT INTEND to put on my friend(s)? isn't this doing what your friend is doing, emotional dumping? Do you not think reading this might be triggering for some people who have been on the receiving end of disrespectful behaviour? I could have easily said "did it not occur to you amidst your frothing... " there but I didn't. Just trying to give you another perspective here.

I do need to put up boundaries and it is something i struggle with. I struggle to be kind yet firm, generally i end up just going with it and as you can see it ends up building resentment ok well this is something you can get help with in real life. But be aware of your own behaviour as a result of built up resentment - is it an excuse or a reason?

RUTheShitploppeeOrShitplopper · 17/12/2020 21:03

Did it ever occur to you, amidst your frothing, that perhaps ranting (and yes granted it was ranting) was just an outlet I needed to let out the aggression I DO NOT INTEND to put on my friend(s)?

I'm sure there was no frothing from me so this doesn't apply but gasps! So we deserve to be dumped on then?

Did it occur to you that she feels she'd rather not dump on strangers who don't care but turn to friends who supposedly do? Only she didn't realise you have different perspectives yet again. Nothing wrong with either.

I do need to put up boundaries and it is something i struggle with. I struggle to be kind yet firm, generally i end up just going with it and as you can see it ends up building resentment.

Yes, you are the one letting the resentment build. Since your friends aren't mind readers, yes it's good to have some boundaries rather than expect they'll know when you want to talk to them and when you don't. If they fail, you rant about them online.

Granted I have also been unfair. Its not right to cancel plans at the last minute. That is disrespectful. It's also disrespectful to leave people hanging for weeks rather than just quickly let them know that I'm not really available right now. I will work on that and that will be another of my resolutions.

And that's all I'm saying. It's all most people have been trying to tell you. We got there eventually

I wish you good luck on your 2021 resolutions. Hope you feel better then.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/12/2020 21:20

This thread has gone beyond odd.

I'm not even sure what's unreasonable anymore.

ShirleyPhallus · 17/12/2020 21:23

And in response to this, the OP, though she knows that what she has done is disrespectful and not ok, then attacks posters and be disrespectful again by saying ‘But frankly if some of you get your kicks out of calling people a dick or twat and make sweeping judgments on people you dont know, wrapped in your dressing gown over your morning coffee, just for laughs’ I am sorry OP, but this is not ok.

How on earth is her saying that posters are wrapped in their dressing gowns and having a laugh at her expense worse than people calling her a twat and a dick and saying they’re glad she has no friends etc?!

Wheresmykimchi · 17/12/2020 21:26

[quote Funkyfriends]@JKRowlingforever she posted on Instagram not that long before she died that she was in a bad place with her mental health and then when she reached out to someone they called her draining and a burden.[/quote]
The situations aren't comparable really. Flack was hounded by the press. They are the one with blood on their hands.

Mousehole10 · 17/12/2020 21:27

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

And in 2022 you will no longer have this issue ....Hmm
This Smile
Wheresmykimchi · 17/12/2020 21:27

@ShirleyPhallus

And in response to this, the OP, though she knows that what she has done is disrespectful and not ok, then attacks posters and be disrespectful again by saying ‘But frankly if some of you get your kicks out of calling people a dick or twat and make sweeping judgments on people you dont know, wrapped in your dressing gown over your morning coffee, just for laughs’ I am sorry OP, but this is not ok.

How on earth is her saying that posters are wrapped in their dressing gowns and having a laugh at her expense worse than people calling her a twat and a dick and saying they’re glad she has no friends etc?!

Yeah , I have to agree.
JustDanceAddict · 17/12/2020 21:31

I’m glad you’re not my friend!!
I think it’s very rude to cancel without a good reason - ie illness. It pisses me off and doesn’t take into account the other person may have rearranged their schedule to get the arrangement in, or not seen someone for a week due to wfh or whatever.

BlueThistles · 17/12/2020 21:40

OP you're ding the right thing... you need to focus on you and your own family... your mental health matters too.. your family matters too... You cannot keep prioritising everyone else over your own well being.. Flowers

Randomrebel · 17/12/2020 21:43

You certainly have the right to do and think whatever you like OP. I can’t be done with sulkers either fortunately none of my friends are. Maybe its time for you to have a friendship cull but please be kind and try to do it gently.

Personally, with most of my friends and family I bend over backwards to see them and only very rarely cancel or rearrange. I don’t have to see all my friends on a regular basis but with most we pick up where we left off if they are a good friend and we enjoy each others company and we are both happy to stay in each others lives.

If someone did this to me a couple of times I would take the hint move on and wouldn’t be in a hurry to rearrange or spend time with you. You sound like you need or want very few friends and much prefer the less needy friend you only see once a month.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 17/12/2020 21:56

isn't this doing what your friend is doing, emotional dumping? Do you not think reading this might be triggering for some people who have been on the receiving end of disrespectful behaviour?

This is a crock, I'm afraid.

It's an internet forum full of strangers. We are all (most of us) grown adults. If we think we are going to be 'triggered' by the content of anyone's thread it's the easiest thing in the world to scroll on past. No one is forcing us to read anything, or to interact with it if we do read it. It's a free choice.

Funkyfriends · 17/12/2020 22:46

I’m not using emotional blackmail but it is a subject that I’m extremely sensitive about. I agree with you that no one is responsible for someone else’s mental health. However in OP’s original post she said that she has someone messaging her about her emotional life which sounds to me like someone reaching out. If this is not the case then I apologise. If OP doesn’t want to deal with that then that’s fine but she should tell that person that she can’t be a crutch not play silly games with them, allowing them to offload on you and meet up and then cancelling at the last minute, not replying, that’s a really shitty thing to do and if that person is suffering from mental health issues it can be really damaging.

I’m sensitive to this because I have suffered really badly with my mental health and was in a really bad place and I know how important it is to have good support around you and if someone doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with that then they need to actually say that because if they are a friend they are the person you are going to turn to.

And to whoever said about having a lovely Christmas, no I won’t be because 2020 has been a shit year and a lot of people are suffering with their mental health including me.