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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Caught husband in a lie

117 replies

sadandtiredd · 17/12/2020 02:15

Massive backstory, rehab before we met, clean 12 years of our relationship, married, kids.

His phone went off repeatedly whilst he was showering so took it to him. He suddenly got extremely defensive about this, which was odd, no idea what was in or who texts were from - just odd reaction to something I would normally do (elderly parents, we need to remain contactable for)

I ask about it once DC are asleep, long story but eventually he tells me texts from a guy at work to use drugs. Has done this 'once' before, and was arranging it for tomorrow. His reason is because he needs a break from the stresses of life.

We have marital issues already, recently it's been improving. Now this. I always said I'd leave if this happened, I won't put the DC in danger or through that.
But now it's my reality I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have concerns he would do something silly if I walk.
I just want an opinion, in my shoes what would you do? I guess, AIBU to stay or leave?

OP posts:

Original poster

sadandtiredd · 17/12/2020 02:19

Sorry, I know the post sounds quite emotionless, I'm extremely upset, just tired and cried out this evening.
We already had minor-ish trust issues, how on earth am I supposed to trust him now??? He was at work, not sneaking off in the evenings.
He's doing the 'sad puppy' act and I just want to scream.

OP posts:

justsotiredallthetime · 17/12/2020 02:24

Slippery road...personally I can't condone any drug taking at all! It's destructive and disgusting.

Notimeforaname · 17/12/2020 02:24

I'm sorry he's doing this. You can forgive and move on but he will do it again. He gave reason for it. He thinks it's an ok way to relieve stress. That's not healthy. What kind of drugs can I ask ?

peppita · 17/12/2020 02:29

I'm sorry you're going through this.
If he has previously sought treatment for dependency issues, and is now taking drugs or planning to take drugs, I just wouldn't be comfortable with that.
We all have stresses. You have children together, you have stress yet you don't plan to take drugs.
I'm not sure what the answer is but I wouldn't put my children through this.

Original poster

sadandtiredd · 17/12/2020 02:29

It's not class A or anything, but would 100% compromise his ability to look after the DC, drive etc. I'd rather not say, as he has form for checking Mumsnet after arguments to check if any posts sound like me and are relevant (then check username for previous posts etc. I have NC)

I don't want any risk to my DC, I clearly cannot trust him, what if he were on it whilst they're in his care, or he brings it in the house without me knowing. I have no idea how to do this.

OP posts:

Original poster

sadandtiredd · 17/12/2020 02:32

I'm also scared he will threaten suicide or do something silly with the house if I walk out.

OP posts:

0palfruit · 17/12/2020 02:36

Omg how stressful for you. Try to be firm and tell him he needs to choose his family over drugs. However also ask about the stress he is experiencing and make suggestions on what you can do to help each other with this? Maybe you need a weekend away without the kids, obviously a bit difficult with covid at the moment, so something else like a getting out for a walk at the weekend and having a takeout. Sorry sounds idealistic for the more complex situation you are in, but may spark your own ideas. I hope you get through this and everything works out OK for you x

0palfruit · 17/12/2020 02:40

Someone threatening suicide is frightening. He must be having some mental health problems if he is feeling this way even as a result of you threatening to leave. Ask him to make a drs appointment, if he feels he needs drugs because of stress, maybe antidepressants would be a safer alternative? If the dr asseses and feels they would be suitable.of.course.

0palfruit · 17/12/2020 02:42

Anti depressants can make someone feel worse before they feel better though and carry their own side effects so that needs to be talked about.

Kalula · 17/12/2020 02:42

Are you sure the drugs is not a cover for an affair? Maybe he thought saying 'oh I just arranged a one-off little hit of something for stress relief' sounded less likely to destroy his marriage than saying it is an affair.

As for him checking mumsnet and your profile, that is way out of bounds and signifies an abusive/control issue there. That would definitely freak me out on it's own, never mind the drugs or anything else. I would simply not tolerate that and would make him know in no uncertain terms that his control issues are unacceptable.

Original poster

sadandtiredd · 17/12/2020 02:43

His stresses are the inadequacies he feels he has. Not my words, all him, he says he compares himself to everyone around him and it isn't enough. I assume this is mainly from his family (very toxic ideas on success and money)
We have a comfortable life (well, I think we do) we are homeowners, lovely kids, live in the countryside so lots of walks and a nice little community. We have debt but it isn't unmanageable. He gets very upset if anyone talks about their earnings and if they are more than his. Or anyone is retraining or moving jobs. He feels he should have been a high-flyer career wise, whereas he had a normal, low stress job, with slightly above the U.K.s average earnings.

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0palfruit · 17/12/2020 02:48

Ah ok I experienced similar with my ex. The negativity was awful, I tried to do things like write a list if all the things he was good and that we appreciated him for, but again idealistic of me because that doesn't even penatrate when someone has such a negative view of themselves.

LunaNorth · 17/12/2020 02:48

I don’t like the sound of this man. He checks MN for your posts? Threatens suicide if you don’t do as he wishes?

He’s a controlling bastard, and if he is back on the weed or whatever, good. It’s your get out of jail free card.

I think you might be surprised how happy you are without him.

Original poster

sadandtiredd · 17/12/2020 02:49

Definitely not affair, well, not that I can trust him. But I've seen the messages referencing drugs.

He's been on antidepressants for about 3 years, this was because he no longer wanted sex and having a porn addiction. He said it was depression. (It didn't help, that's the main marital issue I said before, I've been on here a lot to talk about that too)

I've asked him to make a GP appointment to discuss this. We had a row 2 days ago about his drinking which seemed to be getting worse.

He's refused counselling and doesn't want a NA/AA meeting as he doesn't like listening to everyone else 'sad' lives.

Honestly, I just can't believe this is happening. I think I'd prefer an affair. I feel I wouldn't question what to do then.

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0palfruit · 17/12/2020 02:51

I think he is depressed and needs to speak to a dr or counsellor to help work through these feelings. Maybe cbt to help him to have a positive outlook and appreciate all the good.in his life.

Fatladyslim · 17/12/2020 02:52

@Kalula

Just wanted to second this post! I find the MN hunting really quite frightening. That just screams controlling and would be a deal breaker for me way before any drugs or alcohol misuse!

0palfruit · 17/12/2020 02:52

Sorry was typing and didn't see your last reply

Original poster

sadandtiredd · 17/12/2020 02:57

Sorry I realise it was a bit of a drip feed, so antidepressants have helped with his moods definitely, the drinking is a recent thing, I thought it was lockdown related , but it hasn't budged since. He'd been hiding it, like filling up a soft drinks bottle so I would realise it was alcohol.

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LopsidedWombat · 17/12/2020 03:07

Anyone who cites 'the stresses of life' as their reason for doing something are basically telling you that they will always be at risk of this behaviour. In your subsequent posts you have mentioned drinking, checking up on you online and possibility of him threatening to hurt himself if you leave? To me this all paints a picture that there will always be something with him and it sounds like he refuses to seek more help? I have been with someone like this and can only agree with LunaNorth where they say you might be surprised to find out how much happier you are without him.

Bmidreams · 17/12/2020 03:10

It just goes from bad to worse. He obviously needs help but doesn't want it, but that's his problem.

I'd ask him to leave and sort himself out. Have a separation for 3/6 months. See how life feels for you and the dc. You must be drained by him. He doesn't sound very nice. Do it for you and the dc. He's all wrapped up in himself and sucking you in and down. You'll be on antidepressants soon if you're not already. It doesn't sound like a nice life. He's completely selfish and finding excuses to use. Be free and live your own life, you only get one.

Coyoacan · 17/12/2020 03:16

So what are your children learning from all this? That unless they get a big wage and lots of material things they will be failures, in which case they should just take drink or drugs to get by?

Your husband's philosophy is toxic. AA have a really good problem for dealing with all kinds of addictions and it might even instill some proper values in him at the same time.

Original poster

sadandtiredd · 17/12/2020 03:23

DC are both under 5, and adore him. But my fear is that this could all get far worse and they will grow up witnessing that.
I'm terrified, I would have to leave our home (with DC) as he has no where else to go. (He doesn't have any close friends, his family live quite far away) I could go to my parents or my Brothers, still far but not as far as his. I feel like I'm almost asking your permission. For someone to say I'm not being over dramatic if I leave.

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Jackabobbo · 17/12/2020 03:29

You are not being overdramatic!

I thought "leave" on your first post.
Every follow up post has made me think "run" "quickly" "faster".

Seriously. Leave him. If you need permission, you have mine. He is not your responsibility.

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/12/2020 03:31

The drugs thing isn't just an isolated incident, is it? He's looking at all sorts of things to escape from the reality of his life for at least 3 years. This is just one more nail in the coffin of your marriage.

He is refusing to seek help that will require him to actually do anything. There are lots of excuses and they may be valid in some ways - listening to other people's "sad lives" doesn't sound that great - but they all add up to not valuing the idea of sorting himself out and treating you well. Now things are escalating. He's lying to you (about the drugs, about the alcohol, what else?).

It may be salvageable (do you actually want it to be at this point?), but it doesn't seem like the softly softly approach is working with him, he's just slowly slipping lower. Have you considered asking him to leave until he sorts himself out? Could he go stay with his parents or something so he wouldn't be alone.

threediamonds · 17/12/2020 03:32

Please leave. I've been a child living with an addict and it was unsafe and terrifying, no matter that I loved them. I wish my other parent had taken me out of the situation. Also, if you can get screenshots of the messages or get him to admit it via text you'll have proof to safeguard your children because he should not be watching them alone.

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