Caught husband in a lie

[sadandtiredd]

Massive backstory, rehab before we met, clean 12 years of our relationship, married, kids.

His phone went off repeatedly whilst he was showering so took it to him. He suddenly got extremely defensive about this, which was odd, no idea what was in or who texts were from - just odd reaction to something I would normally do (elderly parents, we need to remain contactable for)

I ask about it once DC are asleep, long story but eventually he tells me texts from a guy at work to use drugs. Has done this 'once' before, and was arranging it for tomorrow. His reason is because he needs a break from the stresses of life.

We have marital issues already, recently it's been improving. Now this. I always said I'd leave if this happened, I won't put the DC in danger or through that.
But now it's my reality I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have concerns he would do something silly if I walk.
I just want an opinion, in my shoes what would you do? I guess, AIBU to stay or leave?

I don’t think a man with a massive porn habit, who takes drugs, drinks, and yet is astute enough to monitor his wife’s posts on mumsnet, and hold threats of suicide over her, is “troubled”, I think he is an utter shit and should not be around his very small children.

Please make sure he leaves. He is putting alcohol in soft drinks bottles in a house with children?Raise this with the police, HV etc. I know someone who swore blind he would never drive with his DC after drinking. But he did. I have huge admiration for his ex wife who has worked long and hard to rebuild her life and support the DC. But she says she should have acted earlier and leaving it to run on, hoping for a turnaround, has been very damaging for the DC.

@SirVixofVixHall

I don’t think a man with a massive porn habit, who takes drugs, drinks, and yet is astute enough to monitor his wife’s posts on mumsnet, and hold threats of suicide over her, is “troubled”, I think he is an utter shit and should not be around his very small children.

Just wanted to amplify this.

Thank you for all the replies. I have left the house with the DC. I know I shouldn't have to, but I don't think I could kick him out (I don't mean have the strength to - I mean I don't think he would leave.)

I've taken enough for us to stay with family for at least a week or so, I've explained the situation to them, I genuinely do not know what to do now.

He doesn't know I've left, he's texted multiple times this morning as if nothing has happened.

I have no idea what the next step is. Who to contact, what to say.

Currently kids are downstairs with family, and I'm upstairs crying. I just can't stop, I feel very weak and not at all how I thought I'd be if a situation like this occurred. I assumed I'd be decisive and proactive, not a weeping mess.

Secret drinking
Drug taking
Porn addiction
Stalking you online
Threatening suicide

You aren't overreacting you have been under reacting until now.

It's great you've left but look back over that list and let it remind you what your kids have been exposed to and what they will continue to be exposed to if you live with him again.

They may not directly have seen all of that yet but the tension and toxicity it all causes will already have had an affect on them and must be stopped now.

I always said I'd leave if this happened, I won't put the DC in danger or through that.

Remember this when you're feeling unsure.

And as others have said it seems madness to uproot your children from their own bedrooms and home rather than him (a grown man) staying elsewhere while plans are put in place.

First of all take some time for yourself @sadandtiredd

Tell your DP that you and the children are safe but that you need space and not to contact you. Don't tell him where you are. Block him if he hounds you.

Contact Women's aid for advice - he's emotionally abusive and they can give you practical support

You’ve done really well to get you and the kids out. No one here underestimates how hard that is.

You are allowed to be a crying mess, what you are doing is very scary. But you are a good mum putting your kids first.

Have you been able to get through to woman’s aid? It’s often easier to get through to a local group.

You also need legal advice about how to get your house back, but womens aid will know of solicitors who are experienced in this area.

Thank you, I know it must sound weak or silly by me leaving, but I didn't want to take any chances - although I don't think he would ever harm me or the kids, I'd feel safer elsewhere during this. He wouldn't sleep in a separate bed last night, I wouldn't like my chances on getting him to leave the house.
I haven't contacted anywhere, he's not abusive it feels a bit fraudulent to call them. I was thinking of calling citizens advice tomorrow.
I texted him to tell him I was no longer at Home, why, and that I needed space to think before anything happens, as he had started texting as if nothing had happened. His reply was actually calm and understanding, I'm not counting chickens, but I think I had worried more than I should about that part.

Thank you for all the replies. I have left the house with the DC. I know I shouldn't have to, but I don't think I could kick him out (I don't mean have the strength to - I mean I don't think he would leave.)

Is there a reason you didn't at least try asking him to leave for the sake of his children? I guess I'm asking if you fear him in some way or if you could do with some general assertiveness boostering.

You need time and space to accept what is happening. A relapse is a serious issue. But so is problem drinking and porn addiction.

He needs time away from the family to get himself together. I wouldn't let him be alone with the kids.

You don’t sound weak or silly at all. Feeling emotions is not weakness!

Give yourself time and space and the same empathy and kindness you show a friend going through a tough time.

Remind yourself that this isn’t just 1 incidence of him taking drugs (there will be some around you who will try to downplay it), but also the secret drinking and porn addiction. That is a lot of deception.

For your next steps you will have to think carefully about the house. Make it clear to him that your relationship is over. You want to return to the house for your children’s sake but won’t if he is there. You have to stand firm on this, do not move back in with him there or he will think he has gotten away with it and will keep going.

Remember, even if he changes/ starts therapy etc, you are under no obligation to go back to the relationship.

Keep going you are doing awesomely.

@Veterinari is absolutely right.

Take care of yourself @sadandtiredd you have taken a very brave, but scary, step

It sounds like you need the support of your family at the moment. But when he starts promising ‘anything’, the first thing you ask for is for him to find somewhere else to stay.

How are you doing?

I glad you and your DC are somewhere safe and loved.

Unfortunately I think the only way your husband will understand HIS choice to drink and take drugs that the consequence of HIS choice he will lose his family.

Hopefully this will be the wake up call and for him to get the help he needs to stay healthy and with his family.

Hi. Mean this very supportive but I don't think this is a big deal. You are running away with yourself and some of the hysteria on this thread (are you sure the drugs aren't a cover for an affair?) Isn't helpful.

If were talking about a bit of weed or e when he's not driving or with the kids then yes of course I understand it is concerning

But it's been a v stressful year. Please don't let posts here wind you up be cause the facts as we know them are not a sign of doom to come...please tread gently and please stay calm.

Sorry read ful thread. See more issues are raised.