Caught husband in a lie

[sadandtiredd]

Massive backstory, rehab before we met, clean 12 years of our relationship, married, kids.

His phone went off repeatedly whilst he was showering so took it to him. He suddenly got extremely defensive about this, which was odd, no idea what was in or who texts were from - just odd reaction to something I would normally do (elderly parents, we need to remain contactable for)

I ask about it once DC are asleep, long story but eventually he tells me texts from a guy at work to use drugs. Has done this 'once' before, and was arranging it for tomorrow. His reason is because he needs a break from the stresses of life.

We have marital issues already, recently it's been improving. Now this. I always said I'd leave if this happened, I won't put the DC in danger or through that.
But now it's my reality I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have concerns he would do something silly if I walk.
I just want an opinion, in my shoes what would you do? I guess, AIBU to stay or leave?

Sorry, just saw the bit about family being far away. Even so, letting this all play out in the same house as you and the kids doesn't seem adviseable.

Nah you aren’t being particularly overdramatic. I have every sympathy for those with addiction issues, but he has to reach the point he will consider getting help. Until that point he’s just going to be a drain on you, and in turn this will compromise your ability to parent properly if you forever place his needs ahead of the children it’s a when not if it will affect them too kind of equation.

He’ll be doing all of this from some sort of unresolved trauma in his past, but it is 100% his choice to choose to tackle this with his addictive behaviour. The children have no choice here only you and he do.

Someone threatening suicide is frightening. He must be having some mental health problems if he is feeling this way even as a result of you threatening to leave. or he’s a controlling bastard. Threatening suicide is a common control tactic in abusers, and coupled with his searching MN for evidence of OP’s posts, I’d be inclined to think it was the latter.

OP, if he threatens suicide there is nothing you could do about it, but if it’s control he will tell you that you not leaving meant he didn’t end his own life, and he will be able to use that against you in future.

For me any drugs would be an immediate deal-breaker. Added to the fact you say he’s a porn addict and you’re in a sexless marriage there would be no question for me.

Also, the suicide threat is so, so common and I've seen a lot of posts about how you cannot let that be what they hold over you. It is unlikely that he would, but you need to contact his parents/family/friends and let them take some of the weight. He cannot hold you hostage with threats of suicide - when it comes down to it, he is an adult with ownership over his own life and body. Your priority is your children and he can't hold you to ransom by threatening to hurt himself - really think about it, what kind of relationship is that/life for you and them? It's manipulative.

You are not being overdramatic at all OP. If you need permission to go, here it is. ❤️

He:

• hides drinking from you in a sneaky way, which suggests he doesn't have the symptoms of addiction under control, even if it's a new substance

• is possibly taking whatever he took before again with a very flimsy excuse (we're all stressed by life at times, we don't re-engage in something that we've been clean of for 12 years)

• invades your privacy and tries to elicit control by checking up on your internet use and you're fearful of his response to you seeking help online

• refuses to engage with addiction services

• is deeply insecure about himself (not always an issue in and of itself, but alongside the rest suggests someone who is always going to seek control over things he can control to feel better, and isn't a good foundation for being clean)

This isn't a man who's a good husband. He's not a good partner. Do yourself the biggest favour you ever will and walk away for your own sanity.

Oh, and while it may be true add:

• uses possibility of suicide as a control tactic

To the list. See him for what he is OP - you deserve better.

OP, you are definitely not being dramatic to leave. You are considering your DC and putting theirs and your emotional, psychological and physical safety first. If he would seek help and really show it, mean it and put in the work, that would be one thing. However he clearly doesn't see he has a problem and even if he does, refuses to get help. Not even for your sake or for DCs sake. Unfortunately if he is saying that he doesn't value you and his children enough to do it for you/them, then that says a lot. He truly needs to be shocked into realising he has a problem/s and do something. Since he isn't, it is your right to put the welfare of yourself and your children first.

You have to do what you said you would do. No point in saying it's a deal breaker if you then just let it slide.
I've been there and if I ever was again I would leave the instant there was a hint of drugs or alcohol misuse, or other red flag behaviour, like the mumsnet stalking.
The stresses of life affect everyone, but not everyone feels the need to escape through drug or alcohol misuse, so that's just what he is telling himself to justify it. Plus he knows what it's like, he's been there, so if he's starting down that path again when he supposedly has a good life now then it will end badly for him or anyone close to him, or worse, it won't ever end and you'll be stuck in the eternal hell of living with an addict while trying desperately to protect your children and run everything single handedly. Trust me, it really is not worth the pain for you or your children. Leave and know you are doing the right thing.

He's relapsed. Even 12 years clean he should have a relapse plan.

Is the rehab even still in existence? In which case, they will have groups. Local drug and alcohol team. And yes NA and AA.

He knows the fucking score if he's been through rehab. I remember and I only worked in one 20 years ago. He sorts his shit out or leaves.

You'd have to leave and uproot the children because he, as an adult man, has nowhere else to go?? What is it with women putting men above their kids- I'll never understand it. Don't you have to hit rock bottom as an addict before you get better? Surely hastening that process is the best thing for him.

Tbh I'd start by reporting his dealer- the utter bastard- to the police. Maybe if it's harder to get hold of he'll be able to break the chain.

Once the trust is gone, it is so hard to get it back.

@MrsTerryPratchett has wide words.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Take care of those kids.

Wise words!

You can't fix this. You can't stop him taking drugs. You can't stop him drinking.

You cannot let fear of what he might do from taking the actio you need to take. He has to start taking some responsibility. He is refusing to seek help, or by the sounds of it, listen to your pleas. The line is in the sand.

You do to need permission to leave him. But you certainly have cause too.

MrsTerryPratchet just called it. He's an addict. I lived with one for 23 years. You name it, they can manifest their addiction through it. The only way out is total acknowledgement of the problems by your husband and a total commitment to the therapy required to get him stable. Tolerating anything else is simply enabling them ( and storing up bigger problems for later).
The addict in their head will use anything and everything to feed their addiction.
I am good friends with my DH even though we have been separated for a year, I like the man, he's a lovely guy. Right from early on there was a zero tolerance policy. It was fight the addiction or lose his place in our family. He did slip here and there but quickly came back to the straight and narrow. He is still sober, and I am so very proud of how hard he worked to stay part of the family.
However, we have had years of destructive mental health issues that stripped all trust and affection from our relationship. It was exhausting at times. And this is what it was like with a man that was committed to the therapy required ( eventually).
Think very carefully about where you go from here OP but whatever you choose, DO NOT facilitate or enable him. Do not excuse him or succumb to emotional manipulation. Stand firm - it will protect you and it will help him.

He should speak to a therapist. He is doing drugs so should leave the family home until he sorts himself out.

@sadandtiredd

DC are both under 5, and adore him. But my fear is that this could all get far worse and they will grow up witnessing that. I'm terrified, I would have to leave our home (with DC) as he has no where else to go. (He doesn't have any close friends, his family live quite far away) I could go to my parents or my Brothers, still far but not as far as his. I feel like I'm almost asking your permission. For someone to say I'm not being over dramatic if I leave.

Accommodation is j hi is problem to sort, not yours. I'm not being mean or nasty but if he does being drugs into the house or around the children, what if they get hurt and ss get involved ? You might lose them for a long time.

It almost certainly is going to get worse, not better. There will always be "stresses" of one sort or another. As an addict, 22 years clean, once told me, "There are a million excuses to use, and not one good reason. But you'll lie yourself all day long about that." You either have to leave, or live with an active addict.

My heart goes out to you. I've been there. I left.

You're right to be very concerned. He is an addict who is spiralling and he is controlling. Contact womens aid.!

Please read @yelyah22 post again

You and your children deserve better.

Get him out. Don’t let him have your house

Kick him out. Why should you and the kids have your lives completely uprooted. He has a job, he can find somewhere to stay that's not the family home. Get a solicitor and get him gone.

Agree he's an addict and this story only plays out one way.

Op your kids adore him because of the age that they are. As they grow older and have more understanding they may not feel this way. This should not be a factor in your decision making.
I would ask him to leave. Otherwise this will be your life. He is making bad choices and he is the only one that can change that, if that is what he wants to do. Don’t let him drag you down with him

@sadandtiredd

DC are both under 5, and adore him. But my fear is that this could all get far worse and they will grow up witnessing that. I'm terrified, I would have to leave our home (with DC) as he has no where else to go. (He doesn't have any close friends, his family live quite far away) I could go to my parents or my Brothers, still far but not as far as his. I feel like I'm almost asking your permission. For someone to say I'm not being over dramatic if I leave.

You are not responsible for his wellbeing. Your children come first. He can find somewhere else to live.

There's a vlogging couple who are recovered addicts and post sometimes about issues related to addiction and relapse etc. There was one recently that your husband might benefit from watching.

m.facebook.com/watch/?v=1742365529272976&_rdr