Caught husband in a lie

[sadandtiredd]

Massive backstory, rehab before we met, clean 12 years of our relationship, married, kids.

His phone went off repeatedly whilst he was showering so took it to him. He suddenly got extremely defensive about this, which was odd, no idea what was in or who texts were from - just odd reaction to something I would normally do (elderly parents, we need to remain contactable for)

I ask about it once DC are asleep, long story but eventually he tells me texts from a guy at work to use drugs. Has done this 'once' before, and was arranging it for tomorrow. His reason is because he needs a break from the stresses of life.

We have marital issues already, recently it's been improving. Now this. I always said I'd leave if this happened, I won't put the DC in danger or through that.
But now it's my reality I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have concerns he would do something silly if I walk.
I just want an opinion, in my shoes what would you do? I guess, AIBU to stay or leave?

Therapy for you, Al-Anon or NA equivalent (family support) - to see the wood from the trees. Speak to others who’ve gone through this.

He’s an addict who’s relapsed. & I would lay money this isn’t as recent as you think.

& it’s not normal to go hunting on MN for your partner’s posts.

The things women put up with never fail to astonish me. If he had found this out about you what would his reaction be? Thought so. Why are you propping up this mendacious fool?

Let him go to his family. He needs to see the consequences. Don’t put up with this shit any longer and do NOT leave the house. That’s not fair on you or kids.

Sorry can I just clarify. He was going to take drugs at work???

So he’s risking his job as well.

I couldn’t stay

He should go not you.

He sounds really controlling and emotionally abusive. He’s a dad and needs to protect his DC and keep them safe. Drugs will impair his ability to do this and potentially cause them harm. There are MANY ways to deal with stress and most people won’t resort to drugs or alcohol. He’s still an addict and needs to see a psychologist. Potentially couple’s therapy where you can both talk about your issues. Explain to him that his controlling behaviour (using mental health as an excuse to hurt you) and drug addiction is causing stress and you’re worried about the safety of your DC. He needs help. If he won’t get help then you need to leave him. Ignore him when he uses mental health as a way to emotionally abuse you. Have you told a family member or close friend about this?

Your children are living with a father who does drugs.
Do you really think that’s a good enough life for your children ?
You have several reasons to leave.
Contact a solicitor without him knowing and get your ‘ducks in a row’.

So can I just check I’ve got this correct?

He’s supposedly a recovered addict but he’s using again and doesn’t want to stop.

He’s misusing alcohol and he doesn’t want to stop .

You can’t trust him, he lies and he’s been up to something at work ( not sure if that’s to do with drugs / alcohol or something else ).

He’s a porn addict and hasn’t wanted sex with you for years.

He tries to control you, stalks you online, threatens to harm himself or damage his children's home.

He Refuses to get help from counsellors or AA / NA/ CA etc, as he despises other addicts.

He has a toxic attitude towards life and other people in general.

He refuses to take responsibility for his own actions.

You have two children under 5 and you say you are “terrified “. Yet you think you might be over reacting by leaving him?

I think you are under reacting by staying with him. Your and your children’s safety need to come first. And he’s the one who needs to leave. He has a job, he can rent somewhere, just like 40% of us do.

You are NOT being over dramatic to leave, but you shouldn't. He should. It's his problem where he goes. He can go to one of his work mates or he can go to his family, it doesn't matter (in fact it's better) that they're not near.

Your kids are young, they might adore him now, but as they get older they won't thank you fir staying with him & putting them through the inevitable mess.

Be strong, tell him to leave. If he threatens suicide, tell him it's no longer your concern. He knew your boundaries, he chose to smash through them and you will NOT put yourself & the kids through it.

Be firm!

(I know it's heartbreaking, but you can cry when he's gone. Your future self & your kids when they're older will thank you)

Do you want the next 5 years to be a constant round of watching him and wondering if he’s safe to leave the kids with?
Do you want him to parent teenagers?
Is the rest of the marriage is really happy explore whether he recognises this is an important issue and his job to tackle...not yours.

He has to be responsible for himself because you are going to be the only adult protecting those children. You can’t do both.

I think you’ll surprise yourself how happy you can be without him in your life once the dust has settled. Getting over a separation is much faster than ‘working on a marriage’.

He is controling and manipulating you by checking up on MN to see what you have posted and suicidal threats. He tells you he is using drugs and you have children how does he think you will react? I would be showing him the door. What if he left some lying about house and one of children took it and OD'd? Unlikely but could happen. Why would you risk it? I would be getting DH to GP urgently. I would issue final warning and mean it. Use drugs or live with me and our children. You can't have both. I hope you have real life support network you can gain support from as it is likely to be a stressful Xmas for you.

@sadandtiredd you don't need my, or anyones permission but please leave him. Or actually boot him out.

You are not overreacting, but you shouldn't leave the home - he should be the one to go, not you and your kids. I agree with everyone who has said that he is manipulating and controlling. Whether that's because of his addiction(s) or his depression is irrelevant - the result is the same, in that it's not an environment your children should be exposed to and it's not behaviour that you should have to endure.

Hi @sadandtiredd
I'm sorry this is happening to you.

It's the time of year when people get depressed after being a difficult year in general.

Your DH didn't lie to you. He got defensive, but came out when you confronted him. This honestly seems like a cry for help, OP. For that reason, would give him a chance.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to stop drinking immediately, to not take drugs, to separate himself from that "friend" and to seek out therapy after Christmas.

Tell him if he doesn't agree to this he is out. And mean it.

You're saying all the right things. You're looking out for your kids. Now you just need to action those sentiments.

So he's a pkrn addicted depressive who is back to using drugs and is drinking. Feels sorry for himself and won't get help. He's controlling and ungrateful for his life and does a 'sad puppy act' when he is confronted with reality.
I highly recommend counselling for you, you cannot fix this man and he will continue to drag you down. Get some talking therapy to find out what you want and to help explore the idea that you are not responsible for this man.

I posted on here six years ago that I’d caught my dh out in a lie. He had a habit of lying and I’d said if he lied again I’d leave. A poster said ‘well you said you’d leave - so leave’

I didn’t. I stuck around for seven more years. Listening and putting up with more and more bullshit. I’ve only just left. If you let them take the piss out of you they always will.

I don't think it's overly dramatic.

Firstly, he lied to you, and secondly, he is using again.

I really couldn't be with someone who did either of those things, especially with children in the picture.

He will try to wriggle out of it and say it's "just once" and no big deal, but you have to stamp it out right now with an absolutely no-tolerance approach, otherwise it will spiral. Tell him right now it's you or the drugs.

@Thespidersweb glad to hear you left eventually.

I would tel him “you make the decisions for your life but promise you will be honest with me” make it sound like I don’t mind what he does if it’s a one time thing and then if he chooses to do drugs I would make the decision for my life and leave.

He’s using alcohol openly and now drugs? This isn’t okay. An addict can’t use these substances in moderation and he knows it, so do you. Get out and be safe. You’re not responsible for what he chooses next. xx

Sex life destroyed by porn addiction. Drugs, alcoholism, secrecy, lying, emotional blackmail, controlling behaviour, refusal to seek help or help himself.
OP, save yourself and your children. Do you want to be still living with all this in 10 years time?

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to stop drinking immediately, to not take drugs, to separate himself from that "friend" and to seek out therapy after Christmas

This is a very sweet thought. If decades of addiction and controlling behaviour could be fixed by a ‘stern talking to’ then the world would indeed be a better place.

We could also solve poverty by telling people to earn more money. And unemployment by telling people to get a job.

The fact that he threatens suicide when you have a reaction to his drug use is horrifying abusive op. You are not allowed a reaction!

Checking mumsnet is the same. You cannot react to his covert drug use by venting or seeking support.

He wont allow it.

@sadandtiredd
He is manipulating you.

He's using alcohol openly and now telling you he's planning on using drugs - this isn't a desperate irrational response to stress, it's a calculated planned approach to acquire drugs and manipulate you into accepting his addictions. He's seeing how far he cab push you.

Yes he'll probably threaten suicide.
Yes at some point he'll probably try and use the DC to make you compliant e.g if you try to leave he'll blame you for ruining their lives. You aren't. This is about his illegal and dangerous choices.

Please leave. This man is toxic, and he's an adult. You are not responsible for him or his actions. Tell him you'll support him if he wishes to engage in constructively seeking help/addiction services but staying with him is psychologically damaging for you and your children. You have to safeguard them.
He's a manipulator and emotional abuser.

So drugs, hiding alcohol consumption AND a porn addiction? 🤨 not exactly a long term plan is he? Any of those could blow up in your face.