Caught husband in a lie

[sadandtiredd]

Massive backstory, rehab before we met, clean 12 years of our relationship, married, kids.

His phone went off repeatedly whilst he was showering so took it to him. He suddenly got extremely defensive about this, which was odd, no idea what was in or who texts were from - just odd reaction to something I would normally do (elderly parents, we need to remain contactable for)

I ask about it once DC are asleep, long story but eventually he tells me texts from a guy at work to use drugs. Has done this 'once' before, and was arranging it for tomorrow. His reason is because he needs a break from the stresses of life.

We have marital issues already, recently it's been improving. Now this. I always said I'd leave if this happened, I won't put the DC in danger or through that.
But now it's my reality I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have concerns he would do something silly if I walk.
I just want an opinion, in my shoes what would you do? I guess, AIBU to stay or leave?

It sounds like a lot of this stems from a f*cked up childhood and a total inability to cope with stress. He can't fix this on his own and you can't fix him, he needs long term professional help and he needs to see that. If he can't then I don't think there's any help for him and this is just going to spiral one way or another. I don't think just dealing with the drugs or just dealing with the porn or the drinking is going to be enough as they are all just symptoms of much deeper issues.

If you want to try to sort this out - and the fact he owned straight up about the drugs rather than just lie is a small positive - then would he go to counselling with you, perhaps with a view to going alone once he is more comfortable? If he thinks he's fine and he refuses to get any help then there's nothing you can do - I'd try to be gentle in your explanation of why you have to leave for the sake of you and the kids
but don't let him control you with threats of suicide. He is an adult and you are not responsible for his behaviour. It's high time he started taking responsibility himself x

I always said I'd leave if this happened, I won't put the DC in danger or through that.

Yeah, my mum always said she'd leave her alcoholic husband if he started drinking again. But she never did. Instead, she turned denial into an olympic gold medal worthy achievement. You are heading down that same slippery slope and it is the children who will suffer.

You know you have to leave him. You know it is best for the children. If you find an excuse not to leave this time, you will do the same next time. Or have to start pretending it isn't happening. Because you know, deep inside, this is not and never will be a one off.

He takes drugs, is addicted to porn, checks your phone, threatens you with suicide if you leave him, makes you think you and your small children are the ones who would have to be homeless if you break up?

Why would you and the children need to leave? He's addicted to alcohol and porn and you've caught him planning to buy drugs. He searches social media looking for posts you may have written about him. He's likely to threaten suicide. He needs to leave the family home and go and live with his family or friends while he sorts himself out. That's what a decent man would do, rather than put his wife and children in a position of having to move out.

If he is using drugs and alcohol to deal with feelings of stress and inadequacy then he needs to seek counselling for that. If he won’t deal with it, there’s very little chance the situation will improve. There’s no shame in asking for help, there’s a chance it could significantly improve his life, and it would demonstrate his commitment to you and the kids. I’d make that my bottom line.

A lot of us face daily stress; that’s the way life is sometimes. But most of us don’t use it as an excuse to turn to drugs or drink. He’s just trying to excuse his behaviour by blaming other people or situations. I couldn’t be with someone like this because it’s not going to be a one off, but an ongoing situation which is going to cause you lots of stress and drama in the future. Life is too short.

@sadandtiredd This is awful, but in your position I would definitely leave. In your post you said "I always said I would leave if this happened", And what message are you giving him if you don't? Think about it. You already have marital issues, so things aren't great. The list of things that bring you pleasure are your lovely children, your nice house and the place it is situated. Nowhere on the list is "a husband I absolutely adore, who makes me really happy."
He says he has stresses. Does he not think you have stresses? You are a mother. Of course you have stresses. And he adds to your stresses. I haven't read any "Poor me" from you. I haven't read any "I've had to turn to drink or drugs to cope with stress". I did read that you have a need to protect your children. There are enough temptations for children growing up, to try drugs, without them living with a father who thinks it's reasonable to use drugs as a way to deal with stress. He needs to grow up, and he won't do that while he has a comfortable life at home with you being the adult in the house. You and your children should not have to lose your home either. He can do what other real men would do. He can rent a room somewhere for himself, and enable his wife and children to have the comfort and security they need.

@Shedbuilder

Why would you and the children need to leave? He's addicted to alcohol and porn and you've caught him planning to buy drugs. He searches social media looking for posts you may have written about him. He's likely to threaten suicide. He needs to leave the family home and go and live with his family or friends while he sorts himself out. That's what a decent man would do, rather than put his wife and children in a position of having to move out.

Exactly!

No.

You do not leave your home with two under-5s, when you have done nothing wrong, so the manipulative, whining, porn-addicted but oh so stressed poor ickle manchild doesn't have to actually face things like a grown up for once.

You have MASSIVELY enabled him all through by the sounds of it. You can tell from the way you say there have been 'some issues' and 'trouble with trust' - and then you go on the list a massive sheet of things that would quite frankly be marriage ending for the majority of people. Lying. Alcohol. No sex life, because porn. Phone/internet activity checking, because he's low-level coercive. And I'm guessing that his low-stress job doesn't exactly free him up mentally to take on his fair share of the workload with kids or home.

He's coasted and whined all the way through life and has clearly dropped the threat of suicide/breakdown all through that time to make sure everyone keeps treating the poor little prince whose only problem is he's so unconfident and ^just doesn't belieeeeeve in himself' with kid gloves.

And now, surprise surprise, he's back on drugs.

Your children are tiny. Now would be the absolute best time to get out, before this - him - the dynamic - starts to mess up their childhoods.

He is an unpleasant user, a leech. He WON'T change. He's very carefully helped build up a complete life where he is cosseted because if you don't, it's fallout time.

If you do want to have any hope of saving this sham - I wouldn't - then the absolute only way would be to shock him to the core. You pack his bags, tell him you don't care where he goes, and say if he doesn't you'll go to his workplace and report the drug chat, you'll also ask the GP// SS for advice on having the children around him, etc. Shock him with publicity and make him leave.

You'll absolutely get the suicide phonecalls and the 'I'm here with a bag of pills - any minute now!' shit. You call the police to deal with him and don't engage. He won't do it, this type never does, far to fond of the cushy protected fussed over little life they've always had. And you'll be surprised at how quickly he finds himself a bad and someone to continue the fussing. Family far away? Don't worry, he'll be off to them without a moment's thought leaving you to deal with the kids. Would put money on it.

The ONLY way you will possibly get him actually listening to an ultimatum to divorce if he doesn't pack it in and get a grip is to do this. Anything else will be hot air, because your entire history is you tiptoeing around his pisstaking.

However I can't advise you enough to just get him out and then go straight to divorce and get him out of your life. He will never ever change. Oh and he'll have been hiding his drinking for FAR longer than you imagine - his entire life is lying to you, this will be too.

Did you say he’s hiding alcohol in soft drink bottles?! What about when your children are old enough to go and make their own drinks? Will they never be allowed that little level of independence because you have to sniff each bottle first? Or will you have to train them to to check? This will be your life. Oh, and don’t say he’d never put his children at risk. He already is.
Apologies if this appears angry at you. I have nothing but sympathy that you have found yourself in this situation. You are not responsible for saving him and you do not need to be the one to leave.
Good luck, op

if he does something silly because you walk (because he's going to do drugs) that's on him, not you.

But if you walk - are you coming back? what's your plan?

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but I'm with everyone who has said this should be marriage ending for you. This isn't a safe family in which to bring up your children. In your posts I see so much of my own late husband - his poison was exclusively alcohol - and believe me, it did not end well. I stayed too long, he got much, much worse, it ended with police involvement and eventually his death. My DD1 has only just come out of therapy at age almost 20. DD2 knows she will need more therapy to recover. The scars are forever.

Don't be me.

You married him because he was an ex-user who had been to rehab and was clean.

You've now found out he is a current user and no longer clean. He also has a porn addiction and is a problem drinker.

He is also controlling and manipulative.

If you stay you are demonstrating that this behaviour is acceptable in a marriage. Not just to him but to your DC. They will take in and understand a lot more than you realise. They will grow up living a life where it's normal for men to abuse drugs, porn and alcohol and it's normal for women to accept this and allow themselves to be controlled and spied on. Whether your DC are boys or girls it is not OK for them to learn this.

If this was your sister or your best mate or, god forbid, your daughter I. 20 years time, what advice would you give them?

So , drug use, drinking, porn addiction, abusive manipulation/coercive control (the suicide threats, the trawling of mumsnet). Why are you with him ? Do you want to bring up your children with a man like this ?

He is going down a slippery slope.
All his behaviour are addictive behaviours. The porn, alcohol, drugs.
The way he reacts is part of that

My first reaction is to say he needs counselling ASAP with someone specialised in addition.

Whether you want to see if you can weather that with him is a different question

He's crossed the line OP. He's probably been taking drugs on and off for years, you've only now caught him. Plus all the other stuff you mention. Your kids may well love him now but as they get older, they will be more aware of the family dynamics. Do you really want to put them through that? Ask him to leave. He can get a bedsit or whatever. You can claim UC. If he threatens suicide, simply call 999 and tell him that's what you're doing. People leave relationships for far far less OP. Do your kids a massive favour. They can still see him and kids soon get used to a new normal. You deserve far better.

I agree with @YoniAndGuy 100 %

Leave this horrible manipulative git asap.

@0palfruit

Someone threatening suicide is frightening. He must be having some mental health problems if he is feeling this way even as a result of you threatening to leave. Ask him to make a drs appointment, if he feels he needs drugs because of stress, maybe antidepressants would be a safer alternative? If the dr asseses and feels they would be suitable.of.course.

This is bullshit threats of suicide if you leave is manipulative and got fuck all usually with mental health

If he is now doing drugs id be leaving because if you don’t you have signed up for a lifetime of relapses and rehab

Plus when this becomes known the kids will tell and then what.

Tell him to leave so you can think clearly And really think is the future you want for you and the kids

I grew up with alcoholic parents. They weren't bad people, I think, they just "self-medicated" with booze.

I haven't got a single happy memory from my childhood.

Not one.

All I remember are fights, and crying and threats and abuse. Even now I feel myself starting to cry thinking about it.

Please don't risk your children having to go through this.

@sadandtiredd

DC are both under 5, and adore him. But my fear is that this could all get far worse and they will grow up witnessing that. I'm terrified, I would have to leave our home (with DC) as he has no where else to go. (He doesn't have any close friends, his family live quite far away) I could go to my parents or my Brothers, still far but not as far as his. I feel like I'm almost asking your permission. For someone to say I'm not being over dramatic if I leave.

Seriously, you would overturn your children's lives - because "he has no where else to go"? Tough shit, this is a mess of his making! YOU DO NOT LEAVE - YOU THROW HIM OUT. He has really done a number on you over the years, manipulated you so that even now, your focus is on his welfare and not your own or your children's. THAT is what you must change.

"I feel like I'm almost asking your permission. For someone to say I'm not being over dramatic if I leave."
I understand why you feel like that, he's robbed you of your agency. Well, you are not being over dramatic, this marriage is over and splitting is the only thing possible now. But you should not leave, this is your home, your children's home. He must leave. Where he goes is not your responsibility, not your concern.

Your partner sounds really troubled and needs to accept that and seek support.

But, if you address this by giving him ultimatums you are only going to push him further unfortunately as it he does not sound like he is very rational at the moment or able to cope.

Ultimately you have to put yourself and your kids first and make sure you are all safe but that that might mean the relationship has to end.

@sadandtiredd

Definitely not affair, well, not that I can trust him. But I've seen the messages referencing drugs.

He's been on antidepressants for about 3 years, this was because he no longer wanted sex and having a porn addiction. He said it was depression. (It didn't help, that's the main marital issue I said before, I've been on here a lot to talk about that too)

I've asked him to make a GP appointment to discuss this. We had a row 2 days ago about his drinking which seemed to be getting worse.

He's refused counselling and doesn't want a NA/AA meeting as he doesn't like listening to everyone else 'sad' lives.

Honestly, I just can't believe this is happening. I think I'd prefer an affair. I feel I wouldn't question what to do then.

So he knows that taking drugs is a deal breaker -but wants to it anyway. He is also addicted to porn and you do not have a sex life. He is emotional manipulative and abusive -threatening suicide -or to "do something to the house". He is an alcoholic or going that way.

He's not safe to look after the children and drive and is not prepared to seek help through counselling, GP etc.

He's controlling -watching mumsnet -looking for your posts etc so you aren't allowed support or advice.

So why are you still in a relationship? What the hell are you getting? Other than egg shells to walk on.

So he has a drug problem, a drink problem, and was addicted to pornography?

Leave him.

@Bmidreams

It just goes from bad to worse. He obviously needs help but doesn't want it, but that's his problem.

I'd ask him to leave and sort himself out. Have a separation for 3/6 months. See how life feels for you and the dc. You must be drained by him. He doesn't sound very nice. Do it for you and the dc. He's all wrapped up in himself and sucking you in and down. You'll be on antidepressants soon if you're not already. It doesn't sound like a nice life. He's completely selfish and finding excuses to use. Be free and live your own life, you only get one.

This. And don't move out of your home.

DC are both under 5, and adore him. But my fear is that this could all get far worse and they will grow up witnessing that.

Please stop with that - yes of course they adore him. All under-5s (and over-5s) 'adore' their parents - they are programmed to, they are the other humans in the home, their primary attachments. 'Adore' has no meaning in this context - it's not based on a judgment of value, deserved because the person being adored is so amazing. It just IS.

And that's precisely the problem. If you elect to bring your children up in a dynamic where they learn to 'adore' and depend on a manipulative, sneaky drug and alcohol addicted liar of a parent, that it what they will imprint on as being 'safe' and what they 'understand'. They will gravitate themselves, either towards those behaviours or they will choose partners like your husband. Because unpleasant druggies who lie to you won't be something awful to them, it'll be lovely and familiar.

And don't say 'But they won't see that' - they will. It's their home, they will absorb the dynamic in every part of themselves. As you say yourself above - it will start to affect them.

So because he's their parent and they adore him, you GET RID for their sakes.