What things do you find rude that others don’t seem to?

[TheRaccoon]

I’ll go first:

• People who season food before they’ve tried it
• People who take ages to text back (or don’t at all)
• People who are late for no reason

My In-laws love the sound of their own voices ans honestly its exhausting, My MIL only talks about herself constantly and even when she asks you a question, she will interrupt you when you reply. They are all very loud and I'm more of a reserved person but will join in if i feel comfortable, but the constant fighting to be heard is just draining so i don't bother now.

I hate people not thanking you if you let them out on the road! Takes no effort at all.

People taking food off my plate (certain exceptions like my DH) but I really hate it when i say have chips with my meal and someone else pinches some-just order chips!

People treating my dog without asking, genuinely didn't think it was a thing but he's a Labrador and is so so greedy so we are quite strict with him, so many people on walks just give him treats without checking with us and its so annoying.

@Ragwort

Not sending a 'thank you' for a gift when you haven't received it in person.

I don't mind how I am thanked - phone call, text, email, WhatsApp or letter but to just not say anything is rude. I know it's hard work to make your DC say 'thank you', I still remind my 19 year old DS . And the ridiculous excuses 'life just got in the way' .

Yes! Even just "I got your card/present "

Me: 'How are you?'
Other person: 'Fine thanks. Anyway, [onto business].'

It's such a small thing and matters barely a jot but not returning the 'and how are you?' courtesy really grinds my gears.

No! I don't have to perform. Extroverts seem to think that you have to perform, and seem also to think that they are doing a favour for an introvert who either prefers to sit quietly or who, when they do want to engage, simply cannot get a word in edgeways and are then talked over when they do.

This was in response to a poster noting that everyone sitting in silence at a table, e.g. at a wedding, is cringey (which it is!) and that it’s reasonable to expect everyone to make an effort.

She didn’t say that you have to perform. However, you must see that if you are at somebody’s wedding, or party, you owe it to the host and the other guests to make yourself agreeable?

I realise that you are horrified by the prospect of having to deviate from doing exactly what you feel like doing, when you feel like doing it, in order to accommodate other people - how dare somebody sitting next to you at a wedding breakfast expect you to converse when you prefer to sit in silence! - but that’s what social events are all about. Insisting on sitting in silence at somebody’s wedding, shunning all conversation, because your needs and wants are paramount is the height of self-centredness.

Also, this ‘being talked over’ thing. A poster upthread - a self-confessed quiet person who isn’t socially confident but manages to be so without pulling down people who behave differently - noted, with disarming honesty, that if you are a bit nervous it’s easy to interject at the wrong time, or speak so quietly that nobody realises that you are joining in.

Some people might see this as ‘being talked over’, but you can’t expect a table of eight people to regularly pause and look over at the quiet person if he or she has shown no inclination to join in the discussion previously. You have to signal your interest. You can start the ball rolling with active listening.

That’s different to somebody interrupting you and talking across you, which is, of course, rude.

For the posters outraged at, as they see it, being talked over when they mean that it’s hard to join a discussion that’s already going on: there are ways of signalling that you want to join the discussion. You just have to learn them. If you are with socially adept people, they will pick up the cues and ask you to contribute if you aren’t confident.

I worked as a chef and exMIL used to put SO much salt on anything without trying it first it used to give me the mega rage. She would even throw about 1tbsp of salt on a Chinese takeaway.

So one day when I was properly annoyed by it, I decided to add LOADS of salt to her portion of dinner. She still asked for the salt grinder!!!!

Iamthewombat

"I realise that you are horrified by the prospect of having to deviate from doing exactly what you feel like doing, when you feel like doing it, in order to accommodate other people - how dare somebody sitting next to you at a wedding breakfast expect you to converse when you prefer to sit in silence! - but that’s what social events are all about. Insisting on sitting in silence at somebody’s wedding, shunning all conversation, because your needs and wants are paramount is the height of self-centredness."

I might not put it as strongly as this but I kind of agree with this. There's a new tendency to insist that the requirements of the introvert should be the baseline assumption for the way people socialise: ie that no-one should be forced to interact if they don't want to.

And a lot of people come on here saying: "you don't know what its like if you have severe social anxiety etc".

Well, yes and no. I wouldn't want to force anyone who has severe social anxiety to go to a rowdy drunken Xmas knees up for hours. But that seems to have become a kind of get-out-of-jail-free card for people who aren't all that socially anxious but are basically just grumpy and don't want to make the effort.

It cuts both ways: society should be sensitive and understanding of the needs of introverts and be aware that socialising isn't as easy for them. And there are plenty of positive traits of a more introverted style -- such as the ability to genuinely listen and not talk over the top of people.

But social interaction plays a really important role in society. Anyone who has a job or a family has to interact socially. I don't think its reasonable to expect people to be allowed to completely opt out of this and to totally refuse to engage with others.

It's become de rigeur to focus on the positive aspects of introvertism which are plentiful partly I think as a result of COVID and a kind of reset of what we value. But that's brought with it a tendency to paint extrovert behaviour as sociopathic self-indulgence which needs to be resisted at all costs.

In reality we need a bit of a middle ground.

@AlwaysLatte

The seasoning thing drives me mad. I don't put the salt on the table if I've already put salt in the food during cooking.

In the house I grew up in putting the salt and pepper plus any other required sauces and condiments out was considered part of setting the table properly. A host who didn't put it out would have been considered at best odd, but also often downright rude.

Salt and pepper were always put out for those who wanted them and nobody even noticed whether or not they were used before or after starting your meal. I really can't see why it is an issue at all.

Changing plans last minute without a good reason.

@sbhydrogen

1) People who put their bags on the table 2) People who put their phones on the table 3) People who tuck into their food before everyone else has received theirs. Either wait until the host says "please start" or ask "may I start?" 4) People who put their elbows on the table. It is so antisocial.

Number 4 is arbitrary. What's supposed to be rude or anti social about it?

I'd honestly rather see them wipe it on their sleeve than listen to them blowing their nose... 😅 Sounds awful and makes me gip. But I'd settle for them just dabbing with a tissue

"dh earsn x amount...oh dh earns too much to be consideree for xyz"

I have a friend who is similar. Drives me nuts. She's always talkign about the recent payrise her DP got or his new salary, or how much their house cost.

I don't actually have an issue generally discussing money (e.g. house prices, how much you pay for your cleaner etc) it's the braggy way she does it, particularly when it isn't even HER achievement (beyond bagging a 'rich' partner).

My previous message was to Al1langdownthecleghole

Disagree on the shyness one. I think its rude as fuck when people harass shy people and try and force them to speak and be uncomfortable for literally no other reason than they think themselves so important they demand acknowledgement just for being there. What you actually find is allowing shy people to just be left alone they come out of their shell quicker. Same as shy kids in school.

Also a lot of these are just rudeness not something other people dont find rude such as lateness or talking over someone or cancelling plans last minute.

Some things are considered rude by some for literally no reason they are so arbitrary like wtf do you care if someone seasons food before eating it? Some people like extra seasoning so know its already not to their taste it doesn't affect you at all so why get arsed about it?

People who don't wipe their feet on entering a public building, doctor's, supermarket, library etc.. I feel I'm the only person in the country who still does wipe their feet - am old enough to remember when it was just what one did - then I find the person behind crashing into me, as they are expecting me to walk right in, even on filthy days when there is mud all over the floor.

@Iamthewombat

No! I don't have to perform. Extroverts seem to think that you have to perform, and seem also to think that they are doing a favour for an introvert who either prefers to sit quietly or who, when they do want to engage, simply cannot get a word in edgeways and are then talked over when they do.

This was in response to a poster noting that everyone sitting in silence at a table, e.g. at a wedding, is cringey (which it is!) and that it’s reasonable to expect everyone to make an effort.

She didn’t say that you have to perform. However, you must see that if you are at somebody’s wedding, or party, you owe it to the host and the other guests to make yourself agreeable?

I realise that you are horrified by the prospect of having to deviate from doing exactly what you feel like doing, when you feel like doing it, in order to accommodate other people - how dare somebody sitting next to you at a wedding breakfast expect you to converse when you prefer to sit in silence! - but that’s what social events are all about. Insisting on sitting in silence at somebody’s wedding, shunning all conversation, because your needs and wants are paramount is the height of self-centredness.

I don't sit in silence at people's weddings. I have already clearly said that I am quite capable of social skills as and when necessary. Or did you miss that part of my posts.

The poster you are referring to did go on to say that people need to perform. I agree that they need to not appear rude. That doesn't mean though that there is anything wrong with not being gregarious and outgoing. That is what natural extroverts often completely fail to understand.

When check out people just stare at you once everything's before through. Tell me how much it is!

People who expect you not to eat until they get their food. Its such a middle class pretension. I was really surprised when I realised this was a thing.

People being late.

Also the not eating until everyone gets their food is weird as fuck why would you sit and allow your food to go cold and ruin your meal so someone else can enjoy theirs hot?

Introverts who don't make an effort. I know I'll get slaughtered for saying it, but I do find it rude in social situations when people take a backseat and let others do the conversational heavylifting consistently

They probably think you are rude for dominating the conversation and not giving them a chance to get in. I heard some behaviour expert or psychologist or someone talking about their research in this area. Its to do with how long you think you need to wait before someone speaks. Some people are very uncomfortable with even a tiny gap so keep talking - others feel you need to leave a wee gap before you join the conversation, and then because the other person keeps filling that gap, they feel the other person isn't giving them a chance to contribute. So both feel the other is rude.

Also some introverts will genuinely not have a thought in their head to contribute. Others will, but struggle to find their break in the conversation to join in, especially if their anxiety about speaking is really high - it makes you more hesitant and you can miss your chance and not join in. I used to be more introverted and often found that when I tried to join in a more extroverted person would speak over me and I would be edged out. The introverts may well be trying to join the conversation but you aren't noticing it.

@Shaniac

Also a lot of these are just rudeness not something other people dont find rude such as lateness or talking over someone or cancelling plans last minute.

Some things are considered rude by some for literally no reason they are so arbitrary like wtf do you care if someone seasons food before eating it? Some people like extra seasoning so know its already not to their taste it doesn't affect you at all so why get arsed about it?

It's more the seasoning before even tasting it. I can see how it is rude vis a vis the person who cooked it. It bothers my husband when I do this after he has cooked something for me because it suggests I am already assuming it won't be to my liking. I get it and have stopped doing it. Although I do chuck a load of salt on it after the first bite.

@Shaniac

Also the not eating until everyone gets their food is weird as fuck why would you sit and allow your food to go cold and ruin your meal so someone else can enjoy theirs hot?

The polite thing to do as the person who hasn't received their food yet is to insist the person who has food start eating. Then the person who has their food asks if the other person is sure and so on and by the time this is all done, the missing meal has a arrived.

@LaceyBettybut why is it rude? If you are someone who eats excessive salt or pepper or throws mayo on cornflakes you already know its not to your taste so why would you bother having a bite of something knowing you wont like it and then seasoning the shit out of it after? My dp seasons before tasting, doesnt bother me as i know i couldn't cook with as much salt and condiments he eats. Surely it would be ruder to have one bite and declare its not to your taste and then season it.

I was raging the other week and thought the following was really rude. Went for a walk with DH and our two friends. DH was born with club foot and had the correction op but finds long walks get painful. Anyway, we took a wrong turn and got lost. I said I would call an Uber and because of social distancing rules, I had to get the next bigger one to fit in 4 people or leave the other 2 behind. They didn’t offer a single penny towards the taxi even though we could have just got the cheaper one for about £4 less and left them. It’s not about the money, it’s the principle really. I would never ever do that to someone. It’s rude.