What things do you find rude that others don’t seem to?

[TheRaccoon]

I’ll go first:

• People who season food before they’ve tried it
• People who take ages to text back (or don’t at all)
• People who are late for no reason

@Iamthewombat

I don’t really care about your colleague and her tendency to talk about her dog. Yes, she might be rude. However, upthread you complained that all socially confident people who are good at talking at parties etc. talk ver people, talk about themselves constantly, won’t let other people into the conversation etc etc. It’s just not true. You should avoid extrapolating your personal experiences of individual people.

Its exactly what I experience at corporate events, but with a bit of housekeeper chat thrown in, at my last work place HR had to get involved as several clients had complained about a key group of people doing it, they couldn’t even close their mouths for long enough to listen to clients.

Also there seem to be some fundamental understandings between introverts and extroverts.

It's not that introverts "can't be bothered" to speak in social situations; it's that they find it very difficult and stressful. And believe me, we can pick up on people's irritation with us, and it doesn't help. I used to feel like people I didn't know too well thought I sucked the joy and life out of the room. Believe me, its not a nice feeling! I knew I made some people uncomfortable, and I ry didn't mean to.

Extroverts don't soley talk "inane smalltalk" or only about themselves- that's a really rude thing to say! And if they talk constantly and don't let others get a word in, there's something else going on there than mere extroversion. Some of my best friends are extroverts and are lovely, kind, unselfish interesting people.

Extroverts believing they have to put the work in and actually not necessarily finding this easy and enjoyable has given me food for thought. I'm a LOT better than I was when I was younger (due to being extremely shy and having very low self esteem due to bullying), but I'll certainly keep that in mind in future.

A bit more understanding on both sides woild be great. Intro- or extro-version says nothing about anyone's intellect or moral character. It's just one personality trait among many.

Over and out

This thread is like a microcosm of my childhood with two sides of the family having completely opposite expectations of polite behaviour.

Side one: Always organised events long in advance, even a cup of tea to a specific date with start and end times. Arrived exactly on time and left exactly on time. Thought asking personal questions was impertinent and you should wait for people to offer information about themselves. Shoes were always kept on and to ask someone to remove their shoes was considered wildly rude and overly intimate.

Side two: Believed the door was always open for family, impromptu gatherings were essential and that leaving after an allotted time suggested that you were only there on duty. Thought not asking people about themselves showed a rude lack of interest in others. Shoes should definitely be taken off.

Both sides utterly convinced they were right and the others wrong. Neither of course actually being wrong as both sides were still warm, loving and interested in their own way but having different conventions for showing it. Still bloody difficult to navigate as a small child trying to learn social interactions.

I perk up at the end because im delighted to have survived the horrid gathering and excited to be leaving soon.
Take the hint if someone doesn't 2ant to talk to you. They are probably fine with others they do like. They just dont want to talk to you. Dont harp on, just go and talk to someone else.

Relatively minor, but people who say “excuse me” instead of “excuse me please”

This. I’ve been told that ”excuse me” is correct but it sounds like a command, whereas adding ”please” makes it sound more like a request. Manners maketh man.

And when people throw themselves baby showers. I was always under the impression it was something family or friends did for you as a surprise but it seems to be the done thing to invite people to give you a gift nowadays

People being early. Not 5 minutes early, I can cope with that, but turning up to pick you up half an hour early and then making you feel bad for not being ready. I think that's just as rude as being late.

@PoppyOppy

Relatively minor, but people who say “excuse me” instead of “excuse me please”

This. I’ve been told that ”excuse me” is correct but it sounds like a command, whereas adding ”please” makes it sound more like a request. Manners maketh man.

I struggle with this, English also isn’t my first language so I have to rely on other people being right. I was taught at school to say “excuse me, thank you” supposedly saying thank you implied that you expect the person to follow the request.

I know this is definitely rude, but, making wretching noises when someone offers/talks about a food they don’t like or like the sound of. My mother and sister do this and I find it incredibly childish and uncouth.

Good social interaction combines a mixture of extrovert and introvert social traits. This is an over-simplification and I know its not as simple as this, but people who are genuinely socially gifted can identify when is a good time to put yourself out there and be "extrovert" and when to take a step back and listen to others and be "introvert".

Extroverts are good at getting conversations started, good at including people, often charismatic and interesting to listen to -- good raconteurs, but frequently lack self-awareness or an ability to "read" other people.

Introverts are not as good at getting things started, can be less dazzling, have less patience with unsubstantial chit-chat and can sometimes appear recalcitrant and sulky when they are actually anxious. But they are generally better listeners and often provide more "substantial" conversation.

We need a bit of both to oil the wheels of society and we could both benefit from one another.

I've noticed that COVID seems to have really polarised these two tribes: some introverts seem to have felt that this is "their moment" and seem to want the world to know how difficult they find life. Up to a point this is understandable, but it seems sometimes to take a slightly vengeful cast to me. Extroverts for their part have responded in a fairly intolerant way: I put my hand up to admit that I have got a bit tired with being made to feel that my desire to see other people makes me "needy" etc.

I think it would be quite useful to explore why these two personality types/social styles have become so polarised and why we have so many threads where introverts and extroverts are having a pop at each other. Surely the goal should be tolerance and for people to absorb the best and most positive parts of both, rather than a sort of intransigence and distrust?

It's crass and insensitive to expect everyone to be the life and soul of the party all the time when they find it difficult. But its also not unreasonable to expect people to play their part in social situations and do a bit of general participation. We can't change who we are, but we do all have to do a bit of legwork to be able to meet others in the middle.

People who say sorry as they push past you. No, you aren’t sorry otherwise you wouldn’t be pushing me.

@Whatisthisfuckery

People who say sorry as they push past you. No, you aren’t sorry otherwise you wouldn’t be pushing me.

In a similar thread.

My partner forces out a fart (you can feel it when sat on the same sofa!), no you’re not, you purposely did it.

Take the hint if someone doesn't 2ant to talk to you. They are probably fine with others they do like. They just dont want to talk to you. Dont harp on, just go and talk to someone else.

Take note, sociable people! The problem is yours for being horrible.

Interested in this one. Why does "excuse me" need a "please" after it? Surely "excuse me" is already polite?

I guess this is to do with how different people were brought up and what they are told by their parents. In this context saying please seems arbitrary to me.

@wildraisins

I was brought up to always say please. To me, saying excuse me, is asking someone to move out of your way, so it needs a please on the end, the same as any other polite request, otherwise it’s a demand. That’s just how I interpret it anyway!

As someone who had social anxiety and selective mutism, I'm sure I must have come across and rude, even arrogant, in my younger years. "My brain would shut down, I'd totally freeze. I desperately wanted to communicate and connect with people, I just couldn't. It took a long time, therapy and a LOT of uncomfortable situations but now I can do 'small talk' with pretty much anyone. Actually being in those social situations when younger/early 20s painful/excruciating as they were, were really helpful in observing, listening and learning how to do small talk. Sorry if I came across as rude, I was desperately unhappy at the time."

Ducksarenotmyfriends - exactly what my 18 year old dd is going through. Doesn't like to be away from home either (and her 'safety'), and had to leave University during her first term because the adrenaline constantly flooding her body during new and unchartered social situations was causing cyclic vomiting syndrome.

She has severe social anxiety and is medicated for it, and it absolutely affects every aspect of her life. Lovely to think that some ignorant, bigoted people will dismiss her as rude because she is quiet and withdrawn on first meeting

Waiting staff in a restaurant taking away fellow diners plates when I am STILL eating. Yes my DH inhales his food & I am a slow eater, but sitting there without a plate in front of him makes me feel uncomfortable & I have to cram the rest of my meal down.

DH not stopping said waiting staff from removing his plate whilst I'm still eating

As a pp has said, classifying people as introverts or extraverts is often counterproductive. It's more a question of social skills, which take practice and energy.
As plenty of people on here clearly know, it's not as simple as just talking at strangers. People who talk incessantly, interrupt, exclude those they don't already know, and talk over others aren't showing any more social skill than those who just don't talk.

I get annoyed with adults who say they're shy, because I believe we all are in certain situations.

@MsTSwift

So sitting at a table at a work event or wedding or extended family meal and everyone sits there in silence you think thats ok? It’s utter cringe! So someone with manners then needs to make conversation. As an adult you need to give back socially. You don’t need to dance on the table and flash your knickers but you do need to engage.

No! I don't have to perform. Extroverts seem to think that you have to perform, and seem also to think that they are doing a favour for an introvert who either prefers to sit quietly or who, when they do want to engage, simply cannot get a word in edgeways and are then talked over when they do.

I am an introvert. I hate big social gatherings and these days usually don't go if I don't absolutely have to. I'm quite capable of engaging but just do what I really have to in order not to appear aloof or unfriendly (I am neither of those, just uncomfortable).

Small social gatherings with my own family are fine. Going to things to do with them is fine too as they don't expect performances from me and don't try to "draw me out of myself."

@CutToChase

None of these are controversial in the slightest. I do actually have a controversial one:

Introverts who don't make an effort. I know I'll get slaughtered for saying it, but I do find it rude in social situations when people take a backseat and let others do the conversational heavylifting consistently.

I'm tired too. I think its inane too. You arent somehow more emotionally intelligent for remaining basically dumb throughout the entire evening, but you are rude because you're relying on other people putting in the effort to give the evening some semblance of meaning. Because if we all just sat there quietly well.... That would be awkward.

There's something in this thought in where some introverts are quite happy sitting in silence and don't feel the need to fill it with small talk. The majority of the population are naturally extroverted but you can still have shy extroverts, just as you get outgoing introverts.

'Popping round' unannounced. Being more than ten minutes early/late without valid reason.

Lots of comments about introverts on here but I think people miss the point that introversion is defined by the need to "recharge" post social situation, whereas extroverts find they are charged by being with or around others. It's also worth noting that it is a spectrum and most will find themselves more extroverted in certain situations than others. Introverts seem to have a bad rep but there are plenty of equally rude extroverts. Being shy isn't linked to introverts only.

On a separate note, I find it rude when people bring strong-smelling foods to public places. Cheese & Onion crisps in meeting rooms, egg sandwiches in the staff room etc!

Egg sandwiches are the absolute worst!

@CoalTit

As a pp has said, classifying people as introverts or extraverts is often counterproductive. It's more a question of social skills, which take practice and energy. As plenty of people on here clearly know, it's not as simple as just talking at strangers. People who talk incessantly, interrupt, exclude those they don't already know, and talk over others aren't showing any more social skill than those who just don't talk. I get annoyed with adults who say they're shy, because I believe we all are in certain situations.

I have those skills when I want to use them and when I need to.

Most of the time I don't want to use them though. I prefer to stay at home. I certainly don't want to go out and practise.

Conversation hoggers. So often I’ve had something to say but by the time there is a chance to get a word in edgewise the conversation has moved on to something else. I don’t want to have to interrupt or talk over anyone else to get I to the conversation. And if that makes me come across like a lazy introvert then I’m sorry.

It pisses me off the way DSS throws salt over everything I cook when he's not even tasted it - sometimes then complaining that it's 'too salty'.