What things do you find rude that others don’t seem to?

[TheRaccoon]

I’ll go first:

• People who season food before they’ve tried it
• People who take ages to text back (or don’t at all)
• People who are late for no reason

When you do finally find the courage to talk you can’t because there aren’t any gaps in the conversation, or you just get ignored and they choose to talk over you. They usually aren’t talking to each other, they’re talking at each other.

Yes, everyone who is a good conversationalist does this. All the time. Except they don’t. Don’t you get it? People who do the conversational heavy lifting are not ‘choosing to talk over you’ or ‘talking at each other’. They are helping the social side of the event to run smoothly. It’s a courtesy to the host at the very least, and makes the event more fun. It sounds as if you are a bit resentful of people who are more socially adept than you, frankly, and that has altered your perception.

There’s more bile:

If I know people I’m generally okay and I can join in, but I find very few people have the manners to actually allow another person to join a conversation, most people seem to talk just for the sake of talking and don’t actually have an interest in other people or their contribution to a conversation. People will constantly switch topics, its shows they haven’t actually listened to the other people in the conversation. Its like watching children brag while they try to out do each other.

What a sad way to be. I genuinely feel sorry for you, if that’s what you think of people who behave differently to you.

Answering the phone/ replying to a message when in the middle of a conversation in real life.

Just the immediacy of everything. I sound like an old woman but I'm not, I'm in my early 30's but I think technology has made people so impolite!

@MedusasBadHairDay my mother is always too early. If I’m meeting her she turns up twenty minutes early for the train so she gets the earlier one and is then waiting at the destination. She also turned up 2 hours early at Christmas...2 hours ffs! We weren’t even dressed. It’s a half four drive so I dont know why she was so early. She phoned me to say I’m outside, I couldn’t see her and she said ‘you have a wreath up and a light up reindeer outside!’ Erm no so she was also on the wrong side of our village!

@inquietant

When people invite themselves over to your house - a time and date etc without even checking it's ok! My MANAGER did this this week

What on earth! My jaw would hit the floor 😂

I also think it's rude to message someone and expect them to drop everything to reply to you straight away.

@Elsiebear90

Relatively minor, but people who say “excuse me” instead of “excuse me please”.

Interested in this one. Why does "excuse me" need a "please" after it? Surely "excuse me" is already polite?

I guess this is to do with how different people were brought up and what they are told by their parents. In this context saying please seems arbitrary to me.

@Iamthewombat
"Creating opportunities for people to join in" 👏👏👏👏 Great post, this is what it's all about.

The worst really is when you see the introverts have been energised by the end of the evening and you are completely drained from having facilitated all night. Talk about taking!

People who don’t apologise and get defensive.

If you’re late - say sorry when you arrive.
If you forget to send a birthday card - just apologise and it’s forgotten.

In the end I get more annoyed they haven’t said sorry than what they’ve done!

Relatively minor, but people who say “excuse me” instead of “excuse me please”

Do you live in Australia? It's what they say here, and as I can see they are a courteous bunch I also see they mean no harm, but excuse me is an order, not a request.

It does my swede in.

This! Bloody fed up with everything always being about introverts, as though being extroverted is a bad thing. Its polite to make an effort ffs, and if you can't, then why bother going out. Bah

I think this is really harsh and obviously spoken by someone who is not introverted or socially anxious themselves.

Sometimes for an introverted person it can take a humongous amount of energy and - yes - EFFORT - just to show up to a social event in the first place.

People like this poster are probably the reason they would sometimes rather not show up at all, when that effort is not appreciated. You shouldn't project your expectations about the amount of talking someone should be doing. Just being present with other people can benefit someone's mental health greatly, even if they are too shy to contribute much.

Try being a bit kinder. No one said it's bad to be extroverted - you could use those skills to help include a more introverted person and bring them out a bit more. They would probably appreciate it.

People who don't put their knife and fork together when they've finished eating. I find it disgusting when the cutlery isn't neatly sat next to each other, it's almost akin to someone sitting with their legs spread. 😆

People who get married abroad at an expensive place, don’t foot the bill, still expect a gift and are visibly let down when people tell them they won’t be coming.

Most of the other things on this thread I can just let slide but this I just find the height of selfishness. However other people just seem to think it’s lovely to get married abroad and think it’s fine to ask guests to pay.

The worst really is when you see the introverts have been energised by the end of the evening and you are completely drained from having facilitated all night. Talk about taking!

I'd say those people are probably shy/awkward rather than introverts tbh, it's kind of a defining feature of being an introvert that social events don't leave you feeling energised.

I will say, a PP gave an example of a conversation earlier where they talked about leaving gaps for others to join in, and while I'm normally fairly good at social situations (I've got better at masking my shyness over the years) I would absolutely not have understood that those were points where I was expected to join in. I'd have assumed that person was in a flow and wouldn't want to appear rude by interrupting.

Introverted and socially anxious aren’t synonymous. Plenty of those chatty people will be feeling incredibly anxious, and as has been said by some of the introverts on this thread, some of them are more than happy to sit quietly and not anxious about it at all.

I consider binaries of the introvert/extrovert type very unhelpful and divisive generally. People just don’t work like that. Most of us are at a different point on that spectrum every five minutes, that’s what being a human is.

With the talker/non-talker thing, I would say its fairly rude when people are only listening in order to find a way to turn a conversation to themselves, so there is a benefit to having some people who are more focused on really listening - even if it means they are quiet. If someone is making eye contact, maybe nodding or gesturing to show they are following along, then while they aren't making conversation they are actively involved. Would that still annoy those of you who find quiet people rude normally?

No one said it's bad to be extroverted

Oh yes they did. Check the thread. Those extroverts! Talking about themselves constantly. Leaving no gaps for the quiet people. Talking over everyone. Talking AT each other, not to each other. Expecting to have a conversation at social events like weddings instead of sitting in silence ‘people watching’ etc etc

Totally agree on the seasoning!

On phone things: people who text or phone you in the middle of the work day about some complicated plan and then write back a couple of hours later to say 'did you get my text'?

Drivers who change lanes at the last minute leaving you stuck in a yellow box when the lights change. Hammersmith roundabout: I'm looking at you.

Yy people who turn up early! In some situations I think it is just as rude to arrive early, say for a work meeting or at someone's house, as it is to arrive late.
I'm not ready! But now I have to entertain you because you've decided to come at a different time to what we agreed.

Ah the comments on extravert v introvert are so enlightening. I'd say I'm more introverted and I really, really struggle with corporate events and networking time. I'm not the person everyone automatically flocks to, and if I'm not careful I will be sitting on my own like a billy no mates.

When I do try to engage in conversation, say trying to break into a group, it feels really awkward for me. The worst thing is sitting at a dinner table and say there are 3 of us in a row - and the person in the middle cuts me out by turning away from me and blocking the other person. For the love of god that is so soul destroying and confidence sapping.

In case you're wondering what sort of person I am, generally people describe me as a nice person and I do have a few close friends. I am interested in other people and am a reasonable listener and happy to have conversations about all sorts of topics; I probably function best in small groups where I know people. I'm not good on one-to-one meetings with people, even with most people I regard as friends, so I'm not that person who has a gaggle of 'girly' mates to hang out with.

But I find large social gatherings, especially networking at work events, horrendously awkward and one consequence of Covid is that it has given me a complete break from the anxiety of worrying how to get through the next event. I'm afraid that's when a mobile becomes ever such a handy prop - I can use it as an excuse to be on my own rather than just someone who can't join in the conversations.

Having had therapy for all of this, my therapist suggested that I may be good at spotting other people feeling similarly excluded so I could make a (gentle) beeline for them. I have been told I am empathic so I will definitely try this next time.

To all you extraverts who feel you have to do the heavy lifting in social gatherings, I get that you can feel you've worked hard to keep things socially going. But if you do see someone trying to join in your conversation it would be so nice if you can use your body language to draw me into your small group rather than leaving ome on the side looking like a spare part.

Also there is a great skill in getting in your conversational piece within a group setting - too early and you interrupt or talk over someone, too late and you've just missed the gap in the conversation and someone else has inadvertently 'nicked' your slot. Sadly I so often get it wrong, it's excruciating which is why often in group meetings I don't talk up much. Even worse when I do, I find that someone else goes onto repeat more or less the same thing as I have just said, so I wonder if I have actually been heard at all.

People who don't respond to an invitation. If you can't make it then a simple thanks but no thanks will suffice. Or RSVPing yes and not showing up, it's so rude when you've catered for them. It's put me off hosting parties for my kids.

People who don't know you well but discuss political views with you and expect you to agree.

People who take your photo without permission.

People who walk straight towards you and expect you to jump out of their way.

I find "couples events" a bit weird tbh. Everyone has at least one single friend at some time surely? Excluding them is rude and unkind imo.

I agree with you @CutToChase and I know the kind of person and scenario you’re referring to. I see some people have taken your comments as a slight against all introverts which isn’t the case - I work with a mostly introverted group and most of them are delightful in social situations. It’s a particular form of behaviour displayed by a particular kind of person.

It’s particularly common in work situations, and even more so recently in my experience with working from home, because virtual interactions are far harder work - I have a colleague who’s a classic example of this. It’s the refusal to engage followed by the inevitable sigh and arrogant declaration of ‘oh, I just hate making inane chitchat’ (subtext: I’m so superior to these simpletons who actually enjoy talking about the weather and their children’s Christmas presents). Eh? So does everyone. It’s hard work, even for the most extroverted person, especially in a professional situation. You aren’t unique, you’re just opting out and letting someone else carry the mental load of conversation.

I say that as someone who is firmly on the introvert side of the spectrum and detests public speaking. But I don’t think it gives me the right to treat my colleagues with contempt.

People that ask me "where are you from?" and then when I tell them, they respond with, "no where are you really from?" 🤨 I just told you!
I'm can be socially awkward in conversations and sometimes struggle to response, but I hate when I finally say somethings that I think add to the conversation and there is a silence that follows, and then the other person just carries on talking as if I haven't said anything... its always makes me question whether I've mumbled, said something really stupid or I'm just not interesting.
I also sigh inside when I see someone at work really stressed and struggling and I ask to help/what needs doing and they decline, but continue to struggle and get stressed. Stop being a martyr and let me help!

Yes, everyone who is a good conversationalist does this. All the time. Except they don’t. Don’t you get it? People who do the conversational heavy lifting are not ‘choosing to talk over you’ or ‘talking at each other’. They are helping the social side of the event to run smoothly. It’s a courtesy to the host at the very least, and makes the event more fun. It sounds as if you are a bit resentful of people who are more socially adept than you, frankly, and that has altered your perception.

The only people who talk over other people are people who are incredibly rude. A colleague going on and on about her dog (and I like dogs!) while the other colleague at the same time goes on and on about her new curtain and blind combo in her study. They’re talking at each other, they have zero interest in listening to the other people and they completely ignore anyone elses attempt to contribute to the conversation. People who do the ‘conversational heavy lifting’ are often rude and butting in with random chat that no one is actually interested in.

I go in to work most Mondays now, said colleague who talks over everyone yabbers on about her dog. Our ‘conversations’ go a bit like this.

Her talking about dog and finally asks me a question “what type of dog is it?”
Me “Hes a”
Her “oh mine lovess x y z etc etc, is it a dog or a bitch?”
Me “Hes a”
Her Explaining hers is male and likes chewing his claws asks which doggy daycare I’m using as she isn’t happy with hers
Me “Oh I use”
Her starts talking about the new trainee and then starts talking at the new trainee and doing the exact same to the new trainee, asks her questions and as soon as the trainee starts talking my colleague immediately starts talking over her.

I’ve worked with her for almost two years, she regularly asks questions about my son, she still knows nothing about him because as soon as I open my mouth she starts talking over me.

I don’t really care about your colleague and her tendency to talk about her dog. Yes, she might be rude. However, upthread you complained that all socially confident people who are good at talking at parties etc. talk ver people, talk about themselves constantly, won’t let other people into the conversation etc etc. It’s just not true. You should avoid extrapolating your personal experiences of individual people.