What things do you find rude that others don’t seem to?

[TheRaccoon]

I’ll go first:

• People who season food before they’ve tried it
• People who take ages to text back (or don’t at all)
• People who are late for no reason

I hate it when I give way to someone when driving and they don't acknowledge me. Just raising your hand doesn't take much effort.

@CutToChase

None of these are controversial in the slightest. I do actually have a controversial one:

Introverts who don't make an effort. I know I'll get slaughtered for saying it, but I do find it rude in social situations when people take a backseat and let others do the conversational heavylifting consistently.

I'm tired too. I think its inane too. You arent somehow more emotionally intelligent for remaining basically dumb throughout the entire evening, but you are rude because you're relying on other people putting in the effort to give the evening some semblance of meaning. Because if we all just sat there quietly well.... That would be awkward.

This! Bloody fed up with everything always being about introverts, as though being extroverted is a bad thing. Its polite to make an effort ffs, and if you can't, then why bother going out. Bah

Just to present the introvert perspective, well mine at least, I don't always speak because I am crap in groups and can't work out when to interject, how to join in. The social awkwardness means I miss the gap in conversation and start to panic inside. I start to feel like I can't enjoy the conversation properly as I am concentrating so hard to listen while panicking and also trying to figure out how to join in. This usually ends in me frozen and wishing I wasn't there. I also feel more comfortable with people who don't talk so much so the gaps are bigger for me to attempt to speak in. Introverts a lot of the time don't know how to do small talk but I bet, get into a meaty honest conversation and you won't shut us up

This is very well explained! I agree it would seem frustrating if it feels like we're not making an effort but some of us hate events like these and they literally terrify us and the only reason we will be there is because of relentless pressure from other colleagues/friends! There's quite a stereotypical view of introverts/SA sufferers on here - we don't think we're "special and sensitive" and we're not being lazy. I'm always amazed when people say I come across as confident as I'm usually sweating and shaking inside!

The introvert/extrovert thing is a tricky one: I can see both points of view.

It is bloody annoying when you get a shouty extrovert who corners the conversation and won't let anyone get a word in edgeways. I'm an extrovert and I find this exhausting so I can see how introverts struggle with it.

I can totally see why a loud gaggle of extroverts is draining to be around if you have social anxiety.

BUT sometimes I think introverts over-egg and over-think this a bit. Sometimes its just about not overthinking and jumping in. Just say something: it may not be desperately enlightening or funny but it shows willing and will open the door to further conversation.

Someone sitting in the corner in silence and projecting their anxiety is actually quite draining to be around for more outgoing people. I do have sympathy, but if it really stresses you out, take yourself away from it or find someone else on your wavelength: you can't expect everyone to shut themselves down to take account of your social anxiety.

So might be the person having to make conversation because you are not.

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

Proper etiquette is to wait for everyone if the good is served cold, but it start eating if it is served hot. It isnt rude to start eating if the dish is services hot; it seemed to be a thing started by the lower classes trying to mimic upper classes but getting it wrong and it spiralled from there so now people consider you rude if you start eating.

That’s not true. The etiquette rule of not starting your food before others originates from the Victorian era when at formal dinners, multiple course dishes were served, if guests began to eat before everyone had their plate, it would throw off the careful order. Therefore, this nicety does have upper class origins.

Indeed @MissJeanLouise. Sir Walter would not have put up with it

People who complain about people seasoning there food before tasting it 🙄 I don’t want to taste a bit first I know that Chips for example will need salt. A colleague said this to me once at a team lunch when I salted salad ffs. It’s rude unless I’m asking you to eat the bloody thing too.

I have attended events i hated most people there because I like the inviter and out of obligation and i'd rather you all chatted to each other and leave me alone. I am just there to show my face. It is worse when i dont attend at all than if attend and be quite. Id rather not attend tbh but i just end up getting lots of whyyyyy didnt you come whyyy whats wrooong ugh.
I think its ruder to keep talking to someine who clearly doesnt want to talk to you. Just say hello and go gossip with people that like you and leave me alone.

The whole not responding to text messages or party invites.

I get you are so busy and too important to show me any courtesy, and I hear you that the world doesn't owe me a response but it's rude and it speaks volumes.

When there is a queue that is taking up the whole pavement or way out and the whole queue get their nickers in the twist and start making a fuss about you jumping the line.

Happened to me recently in ikea. The queue was spiraling outside of the store all across the car park. I wasn't there with a car, I was taking public transport and the bus stop was all the way on the other side of the line. I had to walk past about 100 people and literally every second person made a passive agressive comment, huffed, tutted, or shouted "there's a queue you know!"

My hands were full of ikea bags. What did they think I was doing? And the door was covered by security guards. Did they think I was just going to walk in. Once I had got past the entrance doors I just turned around and stared the queue down with the look of death, then raised my bags in the air as if to say "you stupid fucking idiots" (all without saying an actual word).

Honestly, just because you are in the queue doesn't give you special powers or permission to be rude to others.

Totally agree with the unsolicited name shortening. My name isn't even one that you naturally shorten, rather like 'Sarah' being shortened to 'Sare'. A colleague kept doing it and eventually I very politely asked her to stop and SHE was offended! On the other hand, my daughter has a short name, and people often ignore that and add the 'ie' on the end - like John/Johnny. Just call us by our names!

Always having one eye on social media or reading/replying to messages mid conversation

Yes but everyone with autism is different

I never suggested otherwise but I do find it unfair when others leave me to do the social labour just because I have had certain levels of social obligation drummed into me. Its just as hard for me ffs.

People who invited you to a gathering/party and don’t introduce you to the other guests.

I have one friend who is awful for this. She didn’t introduce anyone to other guests at her hen do! It was terribly awkward especially when we were all stuck in a house together for a weekend.

@Bumbastic

I have attended events i hated most people there because I like the inviter and out of obligation and i'd rather you all chatted to each other and leave me alone. I am just there to show my face. It is worse when i dont attend at all than if attend and be quite. Id rather not attend tbh but i just end up getting lots of whyyyyy didnt you come whyyy whats wrooong ugh. I think its ruder to keep talking to someine who clearly doesnt want to talk to you. Just say hello and go gossip with people that like you and leave me alone.

I totally get that its irritating when people bug you and get in your face about not "joining in". I hate forced jolliness and team togetherness when some people are clearly uncomfortable with it.

But it also cuts both ways: you can't realistically expect everyone to "leave you alone" at a social gathering. People are not unreasonable in wanting to be pleasant and inclusive and you can at least meet the minimum threshold of smiling and saying hello back.

No one will expect an introvert to push themselves through a punishing schedule of social rowdiness for hours if they don't want to. But sometimes these posts from introverts imply that the onus is on people who do enjoy socialising to magically know that you hate it and adjust their behaviour accordingly.

You can't know when you approach someone if they have social anxiety so as an extrovert you tend to treat everyone equally. Its perfectly reasonable not to become the life and soul of the party but it doesn't cost anything to smile and say hi and utter a few words. If you really can't manage that then it probably is better not to go.

When people queue badly you need to just accept it and join that queue and not decide you are going to queue corrrctly and set them all straight..what a twat.

@TheRaccoon

I’ll go first:

• People who season food before they’ve tried it
• People who take ages to text back (or don’t at all)
• People who are late for no reason

Not read the full thread but agree with one and three.

I don't get miffed about number two because not everyone has their phone glued to them. As an example, I currently in my garden office, and my mobile phone is charging in the lounge, so I won't know for a bit if I receive any texts or whatsapps.

A slightly different example but I have been in work meetings where I think someone has been really rude to someone else, but they don't appear to even notice, which makes me wonder if I am just very thin-skinned!

Relatively minor, but people who say “excuse me” instead of “excuse me please”.

he didn’t introduce anyone to other guests at her hen do! It was terribly awkward especially when we were all stuck in a house together for a weekend

Surely if you were together for a weekend you introduced yourselves? That's just weird. I agree if you eg see someone briefly in the street etc it's polite to say "oh sarah, this is helen from work".

Just reading up this page of comments, I saw the post about starting meals before others have got/started theirs. Normally I would always wait, but a few years ago I was out on a work Christmas dinner and I had soup to start. For some silly reason the restaurant brought out the soups first and we were waiting ages for the cold starters to come out. Nobody said "please start before it gets cold". I was really miffed about that because my soup was nearly cold when I finally got to eat it.

I’ve enjoyed reading the robust self-defence of the people who can’t be bothered contributing to the conversation at social events. Not because I am one of those people, seeking vindication, but because the reasons are predictable, self-pitying and self-serving, with a healthy dash of spite aimed at people who do make the effort.

(Coincidentally, the Father Ted episode ‘Entertaining Father Stone’ was repeated this week. I recommend it.)

I think that some posters have fundamentally misunderstood what ‘conversational heavy lifting’ means. Talking endlessly about oneself is not conversational heavy lifting, nor does it require much effort. No, the heavy lifting is exactly as described by @CutToChase and @MsTSwift upthread. It means finding common ground, oiling the social wheels and creating opportunities for other people to join the conversation.

The non-contributors have given us a range of reasons. The only one I have much sympathy with is the autistic lady. For everyone else, the excuses are:

-I’m special
-I’m more sensitive than those extroverts
-I need a ‘meaty, honest’ conversation
-I need drawing out
-Those extroverts scream at top volume, always about themselves, and won’t leave any gaps for my unique insights.
-Nobody knows what is going on in my head (as opposed to everyone else, whose thoughts can be read in a bubble above their heads like in Bunty, I suppose?)
-Etc

I’m regarded as being good value at events and one of the things I’ve noticed is that the people who sit there frozen, looking needy, in silence often can’t wait to draw me OUT of a lively group discussion at the table and IN to a 1-1 conversation, usually about themselves and their needs and insecurities. As if I were an accessory or a cover to help them feel less embarrassed. That’s not a display of good social skills.

As for the ‘meaty, honest conversation’ that you require in order to make an effort with social interaction: please! If you’re at a wedding, or the races, or a work annual dinner, why do you think that everybody should want to listen to you pontificating on meaty subjects? Those events are supposed to be light hearted fun!

@Ragwort

My pet hate is people who say 'are you alight?' Or just 'alright there?' in a customer service setting ... I work in customer services, the correct expression is 'may I help you' .... but so few people seem able to say that. And why can't people reply when I greet them with a 'good morning' when they come into my (small) shop ... is it that hard? Of course lots of people do reply 'good morning/afternoon' but it is mainly, older people, so many younger people are glued to their phones or have ear plugs in and just seem incapable of a polite greeting. And I am equally annoyed when sales assistants don't offer me help in a shop - I choose to use 'real' shops not shop on line and I like personal service. .

Yes - I agree. I hate the 'are you alright' thing too and spend a lot of my time being irrationally annoyed by it so I am definitely not alright!

@Flightsoffancy

Totally agree with the unsolicited name shortening. My name isn't even one that you naturally shorten, rather like 'Sarah' being shortened to 'Sare'. A colleague kept doing it and eventually I very politely asked her to stop and SHE was offended! On the other hand, my daughter has a short name, and people often ignore that and add the 'ie' on the end - like John/Johnny. Just call us by our names!

I had a colleague once who had an unhappy knack of calling everyone by their most-hated version of their name. A few of us had short names that she would lengthen by sticking an ee ending on; those of us who had long names but went by the short form, she would use the full form; and those of us who used the long form, she would always use the short form.

I doubt very much it was deliberate but it was fucking annoying for every single person in the office, as she did it to everyone!

People who absolutely cannot stand any silence, and feel the need to talk constantly. Had a work colleague like that, and it made it really difficult to concentrate on work, and also made you question how they found time to do their own work.

People who turn up to others houses early, MIL does it a lot - frequently arriving up to an hour early! A few minutes is fine, as you can't always judge the traffic, but an hour?!

People who interrupt mid-sentence to talk about something unrelated, just makes it really obvious they weren't listening at all.

People who clearly want something but won't just ask, and instead will drop hints and skirt around it.

Oh, and this may just be my DH, but saying "we should do X" when he actually means he wants me to do it. Eg. We should start dinner.

@Daisy12Maisie

People that invite me to couples events when I am single. It's not inclusive because it will be "shall we have just the girls for the meal?" "No it will be much more fun with the husbands there too". Great I'll just hire one for the evening or make up an excuse not to go. I would never say "let's all bring the kids, it will be much more fun" to a group of people including one who cant have kids.

I have a friend who is a widow who is terribly distressed by the fact that she is never invited (precovid) to couple events any more because she's not a couple. I always used to make sure she was invited to anything that I wanted her to come to regardless of pairings. I think the difference is in asking your guests what they would like and explaining the set up so that people can choose whether or not it's for them.