What things do you find rude that others don’t seem to?

[TheRaccoon]

I’ll go first:

• People who season food before they’ve tried it
• People who take ages to text back (or don’t at all)
• People who are late for no reason

'What' is not the 'more polite word', it's the word we've been told to believe is the correct word and, by contrast, that 'pardon' is terribly vulgar, used by those ghastly lower middle-class people with pretensions. Sheer class snobbery. It doesn't sound 'polite' at all. But because of the stupid class-bound nonsense my head has been filled with, I have probems using 'pardon' too, so I tend to use 'sorry?'

Don’t go then. If you are at an event you need to participate or some other poor sod has to make conversation all evening 🙄.

Having your camera off in a mass virtual meeting isn't rude, it's about keeping your sanity. I had one for two hours yesterday. Of course I turned mine off and muted while I did something useful for a bit while someone waffled on. It's the one massive advantage of virtual meetings.

@MsTSwift

Don’t go then. If you are at an event you need to participate or some other poor sod has to make conversation all evening 🙄.

But it is you who thinks others need to perform. The other person is fine as they are.

If you adjust your expectations of others, you'll gravitate towards the other chatty types.

It's also not rude not to immediately reply to a text. The whole idea of a text is that it doesn't demand your immediate attention. If someone wants to know something urgently, they should use the phone to make a phone call.

Plus one gets approached by extroverts on buses, trains, at concerts, the theatre, in the doctor's waiting room, in queues, at airports, on planes (), in shops, at the gym, at the hairdresser - I'm not going to 'not go' to those places.

So I have become adept at not engaging without feeling even slightly guilty.

Interesting how some people find some things rude, and others find the opposite rude (especially the shoes in the house thing).

I live in Australia - it's very much a half and half thing here, where lots of people kick their shoes off at the door, but equally lots don't. And when people visit, the done thing is really to ask if you prefer shoes off or on.
I'm not fussed either way - I don't always take my shoes off at the door, but sometimes I'm desperate to get out of them so I will - if I'm "half and halfing" in my own house, then it really doesn't bother me what guests do!
The kids know to take their shoes off if they're wet/dirty, and leave them in the shoe basket - so they'll more often take theirs off straight away than not.

Just ask before you assume!

So sitting at a table at a work event or wedding or extended family meal and everyone sits there in silence you think thats ok? It’s utter cringe! So someone with manners then needs to make conversation. As an adult you need to give back socially. You don’t need to dance on the table and flash your knickers but you do need to engage.

@CutToChase

None of these are controversial in the slightest. I do actually have a controversial one:

Introverts who don't make an effort. I know I'll get slaughtered for saying it, but I do find it rude in social situations when people take a backseat and let others do the conversational heavylifting consistently.

I'm tired too. I think its inane too. You arent somehow more emotionally intelligent for remaining basically dumb throughout the entire evening, but you are rude because you're relying on other people putting in the effort to give the evening some semblance of meaning. Because if we all just sat there quietly well.... That would be awkward.

Agreed

@CutToChase

None of these are controversial in the slightest. I do actually have a controversial one:

Introverts who don't make an effort. I know I'll get slaughtered for saying it, but I do find it rude in social situations when people take a backseat and let others do the conversational heavylifting consistently.

I'm tired too. I think its inane too. You arent somehow more emotionally intelligent for remaining basically dumb throughout the entire evening, but you are rude because you're relying on other people putting in the effort to give the evening some semblance of meaning. Because if we all just sat there quietly well.... That would be awkward.

Totally agree with this. Also, self-identified introverts who are happy to tell you how superior to other people it makes them. It happens a lot at corporate trainings. And they invariably misunderstand what introvert/extrovert actually mean.

@CutToChase

None of these are controversial in the slightest. I do actually have a controversial one:

Introverts who don't make an effort. I know I'll get slaughtered for saying it, but I do find it rude in social situations when people take a backseat and let others do the conversational heavylifting consistently.

I'm tired too. I think its inane too. You arent somehow more emotionally intelligent for remaining basically dumb throughout the entire evening, but you are rude because you're relying on other people putting in the effort to give the evening some semblance of meaning. Because if we all just sat there quietly well.... That would be awkward.

For a true introvert, please remember that just being there may be the absolute limit of what they are able for. Really. I have been dragged to more parties than I can count, only to find myself totally overwhelmed and shut down by the sheer number of people there. I function very well in groups of 3-5, in fact, I positively scintillate. If there are more than 10, I am completely frozen, deer-in-the-headlights, could not put together a coherent sentence with a gun to my head. And I cannot afford (USA, no NHS) the therapy to overcome it. Now that I'm blessedly single, it isn't an issue, but when I was married, I was dragged to far, far too many of these hellish affairs.

People chuck cutlery on the table - setting a table seems to be seen as an old fashioned waste of time. But if the cook has spend 3 hours on shopping and cooking surely making things look nice and orderly is part of the meal - otherwise food becomes something you chuck down you as fast as you like so you can get up and move onto the other things usually tv or phone .

@MsTSwift

So sitting at a table at a work event or wedding or extended family meal and everyone sits there in silence you think thats ok? It’s utter cringe! So someone with manners then needs to make conversation. As an adult you need to give back socially. You don’t need to dance on the table and flash your knickers but you do need to engage.

I don't need to do anything. I wouldn't sit in total silence, but I really don't need to perform. I am comfortable in less loud situations. I don't find a pause to be uncomfortable.

Many times conversations with 'chatty' people at weddings go:

Loud person: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah what about you?

Me: yes, I do sometimes like to do x too, I recently

Loud person: oh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I just let them get on with it if they want to talk.

Eurgh my biggest one, when my and DH do a shared job (doing up the garden, decorating) but other people assume it was all him, because he's the man and say 'well done you've done a great job' to him and nothing to me

@AnneElliott
Particularly inappropriate to be so familiar with one of the Elliots of Kellynch Hall!

(For the record, doesn’t actually bother me.)

Also! When people! Always! Use! Too! Many! Exclamation marks! In texts!

People who talk over you.
Absolutely hate it..... they can obviously see your talking so bloody wait your turn. Some members of the family do this constantly and it feels me with rage.

@inquietant
Actually, you do need to perform. That's the whole point of social situations outside of close friendship groups and family. "Performing" is basically creating the social lubricant that is necessary in group settings where people dont know each other well.

I think theres a desire among RUDE introverts to paint it as if extroverts were going around being interrupting and screaming. That's not the case at all. In your example what tends to happen is:

Extrovert: So what do you think about X then?
Introvert: Yeah it's interesting. (Long silence)
Extrovert: It is, it reminds me of something I saw in Paris, where blah blah blah. (Waits for introvert to segue on from that with their own equivalent experience or anecdote about Paris. Nothing happens). Paris is great, sometimes I fantasise about living there since it would almost take less time to commute than from Zone 4! (Waits for introvert to ask where I live as a conversational kickstarter). Do you live in London then?"
Introvert: Yeah, Walthamstow.
Extrovert: Oh theres supposed to be a few great pubs there! (Waits for introvert to help by brainstorming. Turns to Introvert 2). Introvert 2, don't you live near Walthamstow?
Introvert 2: Stratford.
Extrovert: (Waits for Introvert 1 to bounce off that to bond with Introvert 2 without Extroverts involvement. Nothing happens).
Awkward silence.
Extrovert: Right, just going to get a top up! /Saunters off. Leaves Introverts to probably bond over how they feel steamrolled over in social settings.

As someone who had social anxiety and selective mutism, I'm sure I must have come across and rude, even arrogant, in my younger years. My brain would shut down, I'd totally freeze. I desperately wanted to communicate and connect with people, I just couldn't. It took a long time, therapy and a LOT of uncomfortable situations but now I can do 'small talk' with pretty much anyone. Actually being in those social situations when younger/early 20s painful/excruciating as they were, were really helpful in observing, listening and learning how to do small talk. Sorry if I came across as rude, I was desperately unhappy at the time.

Ducks Take NO notice of the people saying that it's rude. They're thoughtless and disablest. They don't matter.

Actually, you do need to perform. That's the whole point of social situations outside of close friendship groups and family. "Performing" is basically creating the social lubricant that is necessary in group settings where people dont know each other well**
*
I am under no obligation to get to know strangers at your command. I am actually very comfortable in silence. I like people-watching, or just enjoying the scene. If you are so keen to discuss Paris, and art, maybe find a kindred spirit instead of forcing the quiet ones to engage with you.

@miimblemomble

Introversion/extroversion doesn’t have anything to do with chattiness or social skills, as I understand. There are plenty of shy extroverts around, and loud introverts.

The key question is: what do you do when you feel down, and need to “recharge your battery “? Do you look for people to spend time with- or do you need time alone?

I’m an extrovert. When I feel drained, a couple of hours with a few friends sorts me out. Even being in work with my colleague helps. Or annoying my kids :-) Being left alone in that situation just makes me feel worse: I need that period of interaction to tide me over.

My friend, she’s an introvert. When she’s had a hard week, she seeks solitude. She needs time alone to get ready for her next set of interactions, as they drain her.

My friend is no more shy or socially restricted than me. But if she’s feeling down, the last thing she wants to do is go somewhere busy. Whereas I would seek out company in that situation.

My SIL suffers social anxiety and depression. she’s not choosing to be like this. It makes her life pretty hard and I don’t judge her for it. She’s already convinced that people think she’s boring and hard work, why make her feel any worse?

I agree with this.

I am an introvert who is also shy with social anxiety. I dread social situations, especially with people I don't know well. Add in that in loud environments I don't hear very well.

But as an introvert I do crave time alone when things are overwhelming or I just need to recharge my batteries. I struggled with this in lockdown as although no socialising, I rarely got any time alone.

I find it pretty exhausting being in the company of someone who just keeps talking, often giving no chance of replying. It's like they don't like quiet and have to fill the void but actually don't have any genuine interest in who they are talking to

@LurkingLotus
But that's the whole point everybody loves people watching and taking in the scene. That doesnt make you unique. But if everybody just people watched... There wouldnt be any people to watch

I visit a lot of peoples houses as part of my job, I always ask if they want me to remove my shoes if they have a clean home the option of waders would be good in some .

@LurkingLotus

Actually, you do need to perform. That's the whole point of social situations outside of close friendship groups and family. "Performing" is basically creating the social lubricant that is necessary in group settings where people dont know each other well** * I am under no obligation to get to know strangers at your command. I am actually very comfortable in silence. I like people-watching, or just enjoying the scene. If you are so keen to discuss Paris, and art, maybe find a kindred spirit instead of forcing the quiet ones to engage with you.

Agree with this too!

I don't dislike silence and like to people watch