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Original poster

Is this him controlling money ?

131 replies

Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 14:01

Dp has had to take a pay drop of about £200 a month which his boss agreed to pay back when things picked up abit, he has received half of what he's owed which mounts to about £1000, he messaged me and said don't worry about Xmas we will have enough money etc, we do not have joint fiances his wages go into his bank and I ask for money if I need or want anything anyhow he gave me his bank card to buy something whilst I was out and I still had it in my purse today so asked if I could buy some Thankyou cards and stamps to which he questioned whether we would need that many so I checked The bank account to see if we were short of money but he didn't want to say, there was no where near £1000 so asked him how the hell we've spent that amount in a few days to which he said oh I put half of it into my private bank account to make sure we have enough next month and then got really shitty about it! Is he being controlling with " family " money ? Fwiw I am a sahm and work isn't an option at the moment

OP posts:
nc151220 · 16/12/2020 14:02

Difficult. Do you have joint children?

Original poster
Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 14:02

Yes dd is mine and his child.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 16/12/2020 14:04

No it doesn’t seem controlling, he gives you money when you need it and gave you his bank card.

Original poster
Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 14:04

I have to ask for the money even for dd nappies etc

OP posts:
HolyBuckets · 16/12/2020 14:05

It's tricky if you're not married.

If he's not withholding money when you ask for it I don't see the problem. Do you own/rent a house?

Chocolate1992 · 16/12/2020 14:05

You are being very unreasonable. Yes you have a child together which he should contribute to however if you’re not even working you have no right to question his finances.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2020 14:05

When is he getting the other £1000? If it won't be next month then what he's done makes sense. He should have mentioned it but unless you think he's going to not put it on the pot and you're going to have to go without, I don't think it's abusive to put HF of it out the way this month.

Do you generally have to go to him with an itemised list of what you want? Who's name is CB in? Do you have direct access to ANY family money or is it only via bended knee to DP?

HolyBuckets · 16/12/2020 14:06

If you're not married I don't think it's reasonable for you to have full access to his finances.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2020 14:07

@Chocolate1992

You are being very unreasonable. Yes you have a child together which he should contribute to however if you’re not even working you have no right to question his finances.
Except it's FAMILY money. Op shouldn't have to ask for £5 every time THEIR child needs nappies, or £3 for a packet of stamps
SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2020 14:08

@HolyBuckets

If you're not married I don't think it's reasonable for you to have full access to his finances.
She's not working because she's looking after his child, no doubt tidying and cleaning his house and cooking his meals.
Designateddiver · 16/12/2020 14:08

I could not live like that, asking if I could buy thank you cards and stamps. You need some system, where you have access to money so you don't need to ask everytime you want something, that may not be a joint account but needing to ask everytimevis ridiculous.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2020 14:10

Yes op given your updates he sounds financially controlling. What money IS in your name? CB needs to be going direct to you. Do you claim any other benefits? Can you get him to give you X a month to your bank (ideally half of what's "spends" at the end of each month)

Ohalrightthen · 16/12/2020 14:12

This is why it is a HUGE mistake to become a SAHP if you're not married. Why on earth don't you have a joint account? Are you paying into a pension for yourself? You're in a very vulnerable position here and if i were you I'd be getting a job ASAP and making him pay half the childcare costs.

BashfulClam · 16/12/2020 14:14

I think he’s being sensible actually. January is a loooong month.

Aprilx · 16/12/2020 14:16

@Purplebags11

I have to ask for the money even for dd nappies etc
Do you need to ask for individual items? Or do you just ask, can you top my account up it is low?

DH and I consider our finances to be shared but we have separate current accounts. When he needs it, he asks me to send over £500 or £1000 as I manage the main pot of money. I never question why he needs it or what for or the frequency or anything, because it is shared money, but he does need to ask or I wouldn’t know he is low.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2020 14:17

How is thinking about next month's finances controlling?

Surely, it's just sensible?

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2020 14:18

@Ohalrightthen

This is why it is a HUGE mistake to become a SAHP if you're not married. Why on earth don't you have a joint account? Are you paying into a pension for yourself? You're in a very vulnerable position here and if i were you I'd be getting a job ASAP and making him pay half the childcare costs.
You're assuming with a band upon her finger he'd suddenly present a joint bank account number, recite the 4 numbers of her DOB and declare what's his is hers She might be more protected in divorce but it won't stop him being controlling before that
Original poster
Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 14:18

I think it's the fact he's put it in his private account and not mentioned it that has bothered me

OP posts:
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 16/12/2020 14:18

Technically he has no obligation to share his money with you, but I wouldn't live like that. You are worth more than this.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2020 14:19

@WorraLiberty

How is thinking about next month's finances controlling?

Surely, it's just sensible?

And having to ask for money to buy a few stamp, a pack of nappies each time? Is that sensible too?
Circumlocutious · 16/12/2020 14:19

Are these posters for real? Of course he’s being controlling as fuck.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2020 14:21

I do think you need to sit down and talk tho.

You said can I buy stamps and cards off the card for the shared cars because you need permission to do so.
He questioned how many because he doesn't trust you not to waste it / to be too irresponsible to even know how many stamps you have / because he's so controlling he needs to know where every penny goes
Instead of calling him up on that you go online to check if you're so poor after the 1k went on you can't afford £5 on cards and stamps but think he'd lie about it.

Neither of you seem to trust the other.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2020 14:22

@Circumlocutious

Are these posters for real? Of course he’s being controlling as fuck.
Thank god
WorraLiberty · 16/12/2020 14:23

And having to ask for money to buy a few stamp, a pack of nappies each time? Is that sensible too?

No, but that's not what the OP is about.

If they've always operated like that (it certainly wouldn't suit me), I don't understand why the OP is asking about control, just because he's stuck some money away to get them through January.

1992serpent · 16/12/2020 14:24

Technically he has no obligation to share his money with you

I would think so. It's not like she can claim benefits.

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