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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this him controlling money ?

131 replies

Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 14:01

Dp has had to take a pay drop of about £200 a month which his boss agreed to pay back when things picked up abit, he has received half of what he's owed which mounts to about £1000, he messaged me and said don't worry about Xmas we will have enough money etc, we do not have joint fiances his wages go into his bank and I ask for money if I need or want anything anyhow he gave me his bank card to buy something whilst I was out and I still had it in my purse today so asked if I could buy some Thankyou cards and stamps to which he questioned whether we would need that many so I checked The bank account to see if we were short of money but he didn't want to say, there was no where near £1000 so asked him how the hell we've spent that amount in a few days to which he said oh I put half of it into my private bank account to make sure we have enough next month and then got really shitty about it! Is he being controlling with " family " money ? Fwiw I am a sahm and work isn't an option at the moment

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 16/12/2020 14:24

That sounds to me more like budgeting. Unless he has a history of hiding money to misuse I'd assume he was doing exactly what he said was doing and putting money aside to ensure there was sufficient available for next month.

In general though, if you are not happy with the way family finances work, say so. Explain why. Do a budget together. Agree outgoings together. Ensure access to the money the family has is equal. If he objects to that, the you have a problem.

Nottherealslimshady · 16/12/2020 14:27

Do you have an account of your own?

I split money up so I can see what I can spend. We have a joint account, personal accounts and saving accounts. If I have a lot of money one month I put some in the savings account to save it for next month.

Yo should have an account of your own that he pays a reasonable amount into for whatever you buy, say food and baby shopping. So you cn manage those expenses without asking for money every time but also so you dont need to have his bank card.

It's hard, you haven't said how long you've been together or anything about your past earnings or living situation. Sharing a kid doesn't give you the right to everything he earns. But if you've had to leave a job to provide full time care to a joint child after being together for years then he should be supporting you.

Original poster
Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 14:28

I'm not so sure he's being sensible about January we've been short by £200 a month since March, his boss has said he would probably pay back the other £1000 by January. And if that's his plan why didn't he just tell me seen as we're supposed to be a partnership ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 14:28

Been together 10 years

OP posts:
Aprilx · 16/12/2020 14:29

Asking whether a particular quantity of something is correct, is not controlling? It seems like a perfectly normal and reasonable question to me. I think we discussed how many rolls of wrapping paper we might require, no controlling on either side. Confused

If he wanted to control finances, there is no way he would hand his card over.

HolyBuckets · 16/12/2020 14:29

Can you not ask for him to pay an amount into your account every month so you can access some money?

wherethewildthingis · 16/12/2020 14:31

How bizarre are some of the views on this thread. Like something out of the 1950s! They have a joint child together and OP cannot work because she is at home looking after their joint child. She should have full access to all family money and not have to ask permission! Not be treated like she's making a lesser contribution to the home.
At the moment she has the worst of all worlds - responsibility for making sure their child's needs are met (nappies etc) without having any control of the funds to meet them.
Her partner should treat her as an equal and respect her contribution, which is as valuable as his to their family. And being married should not make one tiny bit of difference to that.
And I can't believe I would actually have to explain that (to a load of presumably women?) in 2020

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2020 14:31

Do you get child benefit? That should go towards nappies and anything else your DD needs and should go straight into your account.

unicornparty · 16/12/2020 14:31

You're in such a vulnerable position as you aren't married.

emilyfrost · 16/12/2020 14:35

YANBU. He is being controlling.

You shouldn’t have to ask for every little thing, especially when it comes to family stuff, and you shouldn’t be questioned on small purchases either.

You have a child; you should share money in a joint account that you both have access to at all times.

Of course “big” purchases, say over £100 or whatever, should be ran past each other but having to ask for every little thing is no way to live and bordering on financial abuse.

choli · 16/12/2020 14:37

Get a job.

Imworthit · 16/12/2020 14:38

Think he's just being practical and forward planning. That said I'm not sure you are. I would be uncomfortable with this arrangement. You don't seem to have any personal money, budget or backup. I think you both need to discuss your family budget & how you access money.

dontdisturbmenow · 16/12/2020 14:38

Maybe he just moved it and meant to tell you later.

I would hate having to justify any transaction I make within hours if baking them and been made to be controlling if I didn't text the second I do to justify myself.

This thread reinforces why I would never want to have joint finances.

Divebar · 16/12/2020 14:41

I couldn’t be in a situation where I didn’t have access to my own money. What do you do if you’re in town and fancy a coffee or see a bargain item that you want / need ?

somewheresorted · 16/12/2020 14:42

Spot on! wherethewildthingis

Imworthit · 16/12/2020 14:49

Also 'his boss would probably pay back' wouldn't be much of a promise to me, especially in this climate. My partners had a few weeks where 'oops you didn't get the right pay, oh well we' ll sort it out' meanwhile we've struggled. Businesses don't care. And I would do the same as your husband.

myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 14:50

Why aren't you working?

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 16/12/2020 14:53

I hope you invoice him for 50 % of the childcare you give to your joint dc...

fantasmasgoria1 · 16/12/2020 14:53

Look at women's aid website under financial abuse. He is financially abusing you. I currently don't work due to a mental ill and a physical condition. My Fiance doesn't withhold any money from me. I have a credit card and if I want to I can use that but generally we go everywhere together so don't need to. You have a child together so you should not have to be asking for anything. Read women's aid info and show it to him. It's not right.

Ohalrightthen · 16/12/2020 15:01

@wherethewildthingis

How bizarre are some of the views on this thread. Like something out of the 1950s! They have a joint child together and OP cannot work because she is at home looking after their joint child. She should have full access to all family money and not have to ask permission! Not be treated like she's making a lesser contribution to the home. At the moment she has the worst of all worlds - responsibility for making sure their child's needs are met (nappies etc) without having any control of the funds to meet them. Her partner should treat her as an equal and respect her contribution, which is as valuable as his to their family. And being married should not make one tiny bit of difference to that. And I can't believe I would actually have to explain that (to a load of presumably women?) in 2020
Being married makes ALL the difference. It is woefully naive to think otherwise. Marriage isnt a piece of paper and a fancy party, it is legal and financial protection and it is unbelievably stupid to become a SAHP without it.
choli · 16/12/2020 15:02

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

I hope you invoice him for 50 % of the childcare you give to your joint dc...
And I hope he charges her for all the non childcare related expenses of running the home. I can guess which are larger.
Merryoldgoat · 16/12/2020 15:04

Sweet Jesus - I have no idea what’s going on here.

OP - you are supposed to be a family. For whatever reason you have agreed, you are a SAHM - he’s agreed and he’s supporting you.

That should include you having proper access to funds to enable you both to live without having to ask for every penny.

You might not have access to his bank account but it’s perfectly reasonable to agree a budget, a joint account that you can use for family expenditure as required and to discuss your family finances.

I’m utterly flabbergasted at some of these replies.

Butterymuffin · 16/12/2020 15:05

If he became seriously ill and got rushed into hospital tomorrow, how would you get access to money? You need a better set up or in a bad luck situation you could be in real difficulty.

nimbuscloud · 16/12/2020 15:06

Were you working before you had your dd?
Was it a joint decision for you to become a sahm? Are you planning to return to the workforce?

choli · 16/12/2020 15:06

You have a child together so you should not have to be asking for anything.
That's not how it works. Having a child doesn't make you the queen of the sperm donor's paycheck.

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