Is this him controlling money ?

[Purplebags11]

Dp has had to take a pay drop of about £200 a month which his boss agreed to pay back when things picked up abit, he has received half of what he's owed which mounts to about £1000, he messaged me and said don't worry about Xmas we will have enough money etc, we do not have joint fiances his wages go into his bank and I ask for money if I need or want anything anyhow he gave me his bank card to buy something whilst I was out and I still had it in my purse today so asked if I could buy some Thankyou cards and stamps to which he questioned whether we would need that many so I checked The bank account to see if we were short of money but he didn't want to say, there was no where near £1000 so asked him how the hell we've spent that amount in a few days to which he said oh I put half of it into my private bank account to make sure we have enough next month and then got really shitty about it! Is he being controlling with " family " money ? Fwiw I am a sahm and work isn't an option at the moment

Why are you a SAHM without shared finances and without being married??

we also agreed that I would be a sahm totally together and joint decision

As part of that agreement , I would want the financials sorted out too, which as a minimum would need to be a joint account in both our names with equal access. My own pension and some of his (our family) money going into my pension.

Why are you asking us? What does he say when you explain that the current ad hoc set up is not fair ?

I have to agree with the marriage crowd. I used to think it made no difference but I was very nieve & learned the hard way. Not only is it about financial & future security but also a strong indicator of respect, responsibility and commitment. If you chose to be a SAHM this is of paramount importance. I would also advise getting at least a part time job when appropriate.

I have to ask for the money even for dd nappies etc
You're an adult who's decided they're mature enough to be a parent - so why have you put yoursel fin a position of not having ready access to your own bank account/money?

He's done the right thing - a 'private' account for each of you.
He's transferred some to you.
Now you don't need to 'have' to ask.

Though that one wage still needs to pay ALL the bills and extras - and you both need to sit down and work that out....and i'd be pretty pissed off if my partner took THAT attitude with me when they're not being proactive about contributing to bills or managing the shared finances themselves.

If you're so worried about money being tight....then 'thankyou cards' are hardly worth wasting money on when there's a better option of just calling/texting/emailing/facetiming - for which you pay for as well.....

It’s all very well being a SAHP and not married providing your partner freely shares all their income.

However, if the partner holds secret bank accounts or decides they’re entitled to 70% more spends for hobbies because they’re the one going out to work, then it’s not a good position for a SAHP to be in.

Whilst you’re bringing up his children, you’re probably not contributing to your own pension pot either. I’m in my mid fifties and the number of women whose husbands/partners decide to set up home with a younger model is pretty shocking. At least if you’re legally married, you’ll have some financial protection when they hit their mid-life crisis.

I’m married and a SAHP. I have my own bank accounts and some savings from when I was working and DH transfers money into my main account each month. I buy most of the food, petrol, kids stuff, hobby bits from this account. We have one joint account but I don’t use it as it’s more for savings and emergencies.

If you can’t discuss money freely with your partner, then it’s a sham partnership. You’re just the housekeeper/nanny to his kids.

I don't think it is controlling to put money aside for next month, that just seems sensible to me.

But generally speaking, you should have access to money without asking for it, or having to spell out every single thing that you want to buy, if your family arrangement is SAHM. All he needs to do is open a joint account and transfer money into it for your spending, then you both have access to it, but you will have your own card. He can still keep his own account , this would just be groceries/spending money etc.

If he won't do that, then you need to think about returning to work so that you can become more financially independent.

Some of these responses are pretty strange. OP and her OH agreed that she would be a SAHP and he said he would support the family.

OP I would say we don't know enough to know whether he's actually being controlling, although I'd potentially lean towards no since he doesn't seem to be trying to dictate what you're allowed to buy or turn down any requests.

HOWEVER, I do think that it's totally unreasonable that you have to ask him every time you want or need to buy anything. I would have expected him to transfer some money into your own bank or give you cash each month so you can spend it as and when you need to.

Have you ever asked him to do that? What was his response?

Oh my fucking God! Changed my mind. You would have to say you needed tampons!!!!!

The issue is you think it's 'family money' but it isn't is it? It's his money.

I hate the term 'financial abuse' because its not always fair. Its hard when your the earner and your partner isn't. Mine was unemployable and financially irrisponsable. That said even I didn't question every little thing he bought. So I suppose I wasn't. Just lost my shit when he spent £50 grocery money on tequila and condiments. And just expected me to provide 'more money'.

That said you have a child. No bank card. No 'pin money'. Not buying rediculous shit, Expecting OH to just find money. Its not right love.

See, this is why the decision of being a SAHM shouldn't be taken lightly. I am not trying by any means to be patronising, but even though DH and I are married and have an amazing relationship I would be so wary of becoming a SAHM because I don't really know how he'd behave towards money as I bring money home too.

I'd love to be a SAHM, nothing wrong with that, but before the decision is taken there needs to be a serious talk about how it's going to work.

Yes. He's bloody controlling and I'd hate it.

I understand being sensible with money, of course, I agree than January is a long month, but from what I can tell, OP said that he'll be getting the other 1k from his employer

Look op - how much do all the bills come too and the mortgage - you seem to know what he earns - how much is left?
Negotiate a monthly amount in cash for you for your expenses. Ie - coffee with friends/ sanity wear - nappies -
Is the bank card left at home? Just in case you need it -
What happens to child benefit?
He’s squirrelled away the £500 for himself - what extra expenses in jan?
Do you know how much he has in his own account.
He agreed you giving up work - was he like this before?
I’d seriously consider going back to work
He could get more financially controlling - questioning you over a stamp when he’s just moved £500.
You need your own money.

OP - if you're not working MAKE SURE THE CHILD BENEFIT IS IN YOUR NAME! It ensures your National Insurance stamp is paid, so you'll be entitled to a full state pension.

I'd check his private account if you can, maybe he hasn't been given the money back at all but doesn't want to say. X

@HavelockVetinari

OP - if you're not working MAKE SURE THE CHILD BENEFIT IS IN YOUR NAME! It ensures your National Insurance stamp is paid, so you'll be entitled to a full state pension.

Quoting for emphasis.

Those asking her to go back to work. Will she earn enough to pay for childcare? Who will do the pick ups? Will he start to resume ther for not having the time to cook and clean and do his laundry. A lot of men are like this.

Asking for 50% childcare costs is counter productive - he could surely ask for 50% living expenses?

I hate that women think looking after their own children think they should be paid for it.

you'll be entitled to a full state pension

Yeah hopefully it's still around when we all retire in 30/40 years.

The transfer of some of the money to a separate account isn't necessarily financial abuse, but the rest of it bloody well is. No way should the op have to ask for access to family money to buy necessities. A quick call to Women's Aid would soon put some of the people on here right. Honestly I despair.

In the 80's and 90's when I was a sahm my husband transferred a substantial amount of "his" money into an account for me to use for food, clothes, coffees, children's activities etc. If for some reason I needed more I had access to the family money.

No reasonable man would see his partner ask for money like the op has to. The transfer of money is a red herring, although it probably an extension of the rest of the bad behaviour.

My daughter's ex was financially abuse, so I have a pretty good idea what it looks like and this is it.

Presumably if you don’t have joint finances now you didn’t when you were working so your salary was your own? So he’s doing no different to that now?

Given you aren’t married it sensible not to have joint finances, I certainly wouldn’t with just a BF and would advise my children the same.

Purely with regards to putting the money away for January I do not think he is being unreasonable.

However the fact that you have to ask for money for absolute necessities and tell him what it is for is incredibly unreasonable. I am not sure what the solution is but if someone literally has the power to decide whether you have tampons or not... that is a abuse.

@1992serpent

Those asking her to go back to work. Will she earn enough to pay for childcare? Who will do the pick ups? Will he start to resume ther for not having the time to cook and clean and do his laundry. A lot of men are like this.

If he would start to resent her for having a job then that’s all the more reason she should have one! If they split, she would be in a much much better position if she had her own job. Even if she barely earned enough to cover childcare.

Presumably she would do the pick ups as it wouldn’t be her wage that maintains the home.

How bizarre are some of the views on this thread. Like something out of the 1950s! They have a joint child together and OP cannot work because she is at home looking after their joint child. She should have full access to all family money and not have to ask permission! Not be treated like she's making a lesser contribution to the home.
At the moment she has the worst of all worlds - responsibility for making sure their child's needs are met (nappies etc) without having any control of the funds to meet them.
Her partner should treat her as an equal and respect her contribution, which is as valuable as his to their family. And being married should not make one tiny bit of difference to that.
And I can't believe I would actually have to explain that (to a load of presumably women?) in 2020

Thank goodness for @wherethewildthingis
Sometimes its like you're a lazy bastard if you dont do paid work. Never mind that you might run yourself ragged looking after DC and be unable to access childcare for whatever reason. You clearly deserve nothing because You're Not Working You Lazy Slattern

If you're going to be a sahp then you need a new system.

When he gets paid , he pays bills and rent and money for dds should stay in the account of the person that is named.

Money for shopping and things for the kids should go in a joint account where you each can see it. Money that is your joint savings should go in a second joint account where you can both access it.

Money left should be divided equally as play money , this should sit in each of your personal accounts.

If he won't agree to this or similar then you have a problem. There is no excuse to not do this , opening 2 joint accounts could not be easier in this day and age.

You need to protect yourself OP. Personally I think you need to be thinking about work to get out of the situation where you need to ask for tiny little things.

"And being married should not make one tiny bit of difference to that."

No. But it does. And that is why the OP should protect herself here

This is a terrible situation. You need to start planning to earn your own money, and he can pay for childcare. You've 'funded' childcare for the family, he can do it for a bit now. If he doesn't fancy that, it should help him realise the reality and unfairness of your situation. If he doesn't adjust to something fairer - all money into a joint account from which come joint expenses, joint savings, and equal personal spending accounts - I'd think about leaving and going for 50:50 childcare. You really need to be thinking about a pension too, particularly as you aren't married. If he does adjust his expectations, make sure that extends to contributing to a good pension in your name.