Is this him controlling money ?

[Purplebags11]

Dp has had to take a pay drop of about £200 a month which his boss agreed to pay back when things picked up abit, he has received half of what he's owed which mounts to about £1000, he messaged me and said don't worry about Xmas we will have enough money etc, we do not have joint fiances his wages go into his bank and I ask for money if I need or want anything anyhow he gave me his bank card to buy something whilst I was out and I still had it in my purse today so asked if I could buy some Thankyou cards and stamps to which he questioned whether we would need that many so I checked The bank account to see if we were short of money but he didn't want to say, there was no where near £1000 so asked him how the hell we've spent that amount in a few days to which he said oh I put half of it into my private bank account to make sure we have enough next month and then got really shitty about it! Is he being controlling with " family " money ? Fwiw I am a sahm and work isn't an option at the moment

@Purplebags11

I'd have to use his card without his permission if he fell unwell or I'd have to ask my mum to help me out with. Some money, I worked before dd sue was planned and we also agreed that I would be a sahm totally together and joint decision

Why have you willingly agreed to such an utterly humiliating position.

Unbelievable.

After 10 years together you have had a child and agreed to such an appalling set up.

Get back to work asap.
Share the cost of childcare between ye, obviously.
And gain some financial independence.

Could you be more vulnerable.

What appealed to you exactly about such a set up?

"Except it's FAMILY money. Op shouldn't have to ask for £5 every time THEIR child needs nappies, or £3 for a packet of stamps"

But family money means family decision.

I wouldn't be happy if me and dp were struggling and they wanted to waste money on thank you cards and stamps. Email, text, WhatsApp any of the other free instantaneous ways of thanking somone

@Purplebags11

When I say I'd have to ask for tampons etc I mean I'd say can I use the card I need ... he has never said no to me having the card

Why do you not have your own card? Why do you have to ask? He has conditioned you to think this is the way it works. Why don't you set up a joint bank account that he transfers part of his wage into so you can spend without having to ask for nappies and tampons. FFS.

I am a long term SAHM but am married and I have access to all money, joint account plus a joint credit card. I never have to ask for anything because he is not my Dad and I am not 12.

It depends on the financial arrangement you both agreed to earlier on in the relationship.

I can understand some of the early responses but if a woman has to ask for her partners bank card and explain she needs sanitary products there something wrong.

I'm struggling to believe anyone would willingly put themselves in a situation where they need to beg money from their boyfriend for sanitary products. I am really stunned by this.

OP I suggest you open your own bank account, arrange that YOUR child benefit is paid into it and get some financial independence by getting a job.

If this is for real, of course.

@choli

Get a job.

Best answer of the lot.

Nobody forces (or should do) a SAHM to be one. I could never be dependent on my husband or partner for money to be given an allowance as soon as i could go back to work i would. By getting a job i can dictate what i spend my money on, if DH doesn't like it then tough.

That's said he sounds like he is budgeting so not really controlling at all.

What does not being married have to do with it and how is it ‘His’ money? Isn’t it family money? I don’t understand some people’s attitudes on this.
I’m currently a sahm with only dp earning. For the last 20 years we’ve both worked full time, sometimes I’ve earns more, sometimes he has. We’ve always seen it as ‘Our’ money and especially now Dd is here. I don’t feel I have to ‘Ask’ him for money and definitely couldn’t live like that. We have a joint account for mortgage, bills etc and then have a budget for weekly shop, petrol and then left over.
Op, I personally feel it’s not right to have to ask for money for simple things like dd’s nappies. Is he possibly being more restrained with money because he’s had to take a pay cut and us worried about spending money?

Well you need a joint account with your own card and he needs to put money in monthly for household goods.
Do you get the child benefit?

You also need to think about getting more independent.
What happens about your state pension as you are not paying NI contributions. If you are not married you have no say on his pension.

I am not sure if he is being controlling parse but I think you have naively left yourself vulnerable for the future.

You should have set the boundaries before you had a child.

@lightyearsahead

Well you need a joint account with your own card and he needs to put money in monthly for household goods. Do you get the child benefit?

You also need to think about getting more independent.
What happens about your state pension as you are not paying NI contributions. If you are not married you have no say on his pension.

I am not sure if he is being controlling parse but I think you have naively left yourself vulnerable for the future.

You should have set the boundaries before you had a child.

She will qualify for NI contributions by virtue of having a child under the age of 12 (or should do, if she's applied).

Agreed on other points, but it's never too late to set boundaries. Worst comes to it, the state won't allow her to be homeless with a toddler.

There have been some weird responses on this thread.

Yes, he is financially controlling.

You have to ask him to use the bank card for every purchase, including tampons and nappies and you have to argue for small purchases such as stamps.

You have no access to money, despite a joint decision for you to be a SAHP.

If he walked away tomorrow, you wouldn't be able to get even the most basic of shops in.

Are wills etc. sorted? If the worst happened, what would happen to you? If I assume your pension payments aren't still being made, you will be thousands of pounds of retirement income down, possibly living in poverty in your old age.

No decent partner would let this situation carry on. He is fully aware of this situation and is happy to let it continue.

Honestly, this stuff about "the boss owes him money" is making me raise my eyebrows. It sounds very much like something someone would say to get away with squirrelling income away ...

OP, finances work differently in different families but yes it is controlling. You should be able to just say I’m going shopping not have to give a list. What happens if you need a and b but also come back with c and d?

If you’re open to talking to him, how DH and I have always done it is all bill money into joint account for the month, what’s left over is divided in half or three depending on the situation at the time - 1/3 into savings and a 1/3 each into our personal accounts. At various times one or the other has been out of work and we’ve still done the same minus putting as much into savings. Does it mean we don’t have heated discussions about money? Of course not, but we can talk about it, readjust budgets together etc.

I think you should just start by saying that the current situation isn’t working. I would actually argue as the one at home you need more access to money than he does, not only for emergencies but for things like being able to go to do the weekly shop. Tampons are an essential.

How old is your child?

It comes across as controlling to me.
I'm a sahm, so dh brings all the money in. We don't have joint accounts, we never have and just don't see the point in starting now. However I have full access to all the money, I have his bank card and I'm an additional card holder on the credit card. I've never had to ask him for money to buy anything for dd, I don't even need to ask to buy something for myself. I think you need to sit down and talk to him about going forward, because I don't think it's sustainable long term how you're managing things right now.

I don’t think it’s controlling, but even if it were, I think the only earner in a household is entitled to some control over the finances, just as s SAHM gets to make the final decisions on parenting things that aren’t major. If you want more control of money, earn some.

@Purplebags11

I think it's the fact he's put it in his private account and not mentioned it that has bothered me

It's his money, and it fits with the arrangement you currently have.

However, it sounds like this arrangement isn't suiting you both. He's made a sensible move, but it sounds like you don't trust him to be doing the best thing for you and your child? Is that the case?

Dont you have a joint account? So you would have your own card for it, and that account used for all joint expenses?
Then you should each have your own accounts and should transfer in personal spending money into each of your accounts each month. Even if you can only spare £100 a month, then you each get £50. But you shouldn't be having to ask every time you need something.

Do you get to go out for coffees or whatever? Do you have access to money without having to explain exactly what it is for?

I move money about from account to account and never mention it to DH. That in itself isn't an issue. Asking permission? Not acceptable.

@peboh

It comes across as controlling to me. I'm a sahm, so dh brings all the money in. We don't have joint accounts, we never have and just don't see the point in starting now. However I have full access to all the money, I have his bank card and I'm an additional card holder on the credit card. I've never had to ask him for money to buy anything for dd, I don't even need to ask to buy something for myself. I think you need to sit down and talk to him about going forward, because I don't think it's sustainable long term how you're managing things right now.

As in your situation, it's possible to be financially dependent on someone but never made to feel financial dependent (the latter is absolutely a deal breaker). There are all kinds of dependencies we have in life, but as soon as someone makes you keenly aware of that vulnerability, the arrangement should probably stop.

There’s moving money and there’s squirrelling it away for his own use.

@Aprilx

Asking whether a particular quantity of something is correct, is not controlling? It seems like a perfectly normal and reasonable question to me. I think we discussed how many rolls of wrapping paper we might require, no controlling on either side.

If he wanted to control finances, there is no way he would hand his card over.

Did you miss the bit before he asked about the particular quantity? The bit where OP had to ask if she was allowed to buy them in the first place? That bit absolutely is abusive.

Not that you should have to be asking for money for small purchases anyway (you should be a partnership - it sounds more like a parental/child relationship), but what would he do if you asked for x to buy a nail polish, or y to go for a coffee with a friend?

My dad was horrible in some ways, but at least with money he was very much "it is family money". He worked, my mum didn't. He worked a lot, and didnt want to have to come home and talk about money or sit and sit out allowances or whatever so decided that my mum would be in charge of that. She was the one doing all the shopping, and sorting us kids out so she needed more access to money than he did. All the bills were in joint name so she could deal with them. His salary would be paid, she paid the bills and got us what we needed and was able to buy whatever she needed and my dad was sort of told what he could spend and she sorted the savings and the pensions. They had their own savings accounts as wrll as joint so my mum had money in accounts with her name only so she wouldn't be in trouble if he ever walked off. He earned a lot so there wasnt exactly a budget, but whatever there was, was decided by her not by him and he never once questioned a purchase. Would have maybe been nicer if he did some of the work sorting it out but at least she was never controlled by him financially.

Sounds like he's been careful with spending which is good OP, he's the only one earning and it'll be on him if you have nothing next month - I'm a SAHM too and my DH always squirrells money away, which is a good job as I'm not good with money!! It's not controlling in the slightest, it's common sense.

You absolutely should not have to ask when you need money. There should be money put into your account if you have one ( sorry, haven't read the whole thread) for basic needs plus more depending how well off you are.
The lump sum is harder to know what's right. But day-to-day your situation is absolutely not ok. Being married or not is irrelevant to the morality of it.