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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this him controlling money ?

131 replies

Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 14:01

Dp has had to take a pay drop of about £200 a month which his boss agreed to pay back when things picked up abit, he has received half of what he's owed which mounts to about £1000, he messaged me and said don't worry about Xmas we will have enough money etc, we do not have joint fiances his wages go into his bank and I ask for money if I need or want anything anyhow he gave me his bank card to buy something whilst I was out and I still had it in my purse today so asked if I could buy some Thankyou cards and stamps to which he questioned whether we would need that many so I checked The bank account to see if we were short of money but he didn't want to say, there was no where near £1000 so asked him how the hell we've spent that amount in a few days to which he said oh I put half of it into my private bank account to make sure we have enough next month and then got really shitty about it! Is he being controlling with " family " money ? Fwiw I am a sahm and work isn't an option at the moment

OP posts:
Parkperson · 16/12/2020 15:08

It is not the 1950's, so get a job OP and of course your partner should pay half of the childcare costs

Original poster
Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 15:10

I'd have to use his card without his permission if he fell unwell or I'd have to ask my mum to help me out with. Some money, I worked before dd sue was planned and we also agreed that I would be a sahm totally together and joint decision

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2020 15:10

Her partner should treat her as an equal and respect her contribution, which is as valuable as his to their family. And being married should not make one tiny bit of difference to that.

The difference is he could kick her out tomorrow and she wouldn’t get a penny more than the legal minimum of child support, and not even that if he’s self employed. I’m sure you know that so banging on about the 1950s and pretending being married counts for nothing is very stupid.

liveitwell · 16/12/2020 15:11

I wouldn't be happy with your set up. It isn't nice to have to ask for money nor should you have to ask permission to buy things.

I'm a SAHM and the way we work is we have our own accounts and a joint account for all bills.

He transfers money into the joint to cover the bills once paid. Then we split the left over money, he transfers to my account. If I need to buy joint stuff then I take it from the joint account.

No way would I be happy asking everytime I want to buy the smallest of things like stamps and cards. You need financial independence.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2020 15:11

OP, what agreement did you come to together about finances would be organised when you decided to be a SAHM? Why aren’t you married?

Aprilx · 16/12/2020 15:13

@wherethewildthingis

How bizarre are some of the views on this thread. Like something out of the 1950s! They have a joint child together and OP cannot work because she is at home looking after their joint child. She should have full access to all family money and not have to ask permission! Not be treated like she's making a lesser contribution to the home. At the moment she has the worst of all worlds - responsibility for making sure their child's needs are met (nappies etc) without having any control of the funds to meet them. Her partner should treat her as an equal and respect her contribution, which is as valuable as his to their family. And being married should not make one tiny bit of difference to that. And I can't believe I would actually have to explain that (to a load of presumably women?) in 2020
Yes of course she should. But it isn’t actually clear what the situation is. I have asked if she has to ask for permission to buy every individual item or whether she can ask for a general top up into her account but have not had a response.

DH asks me for a top up to his current account when he needs it as I manage the central savings pot that all money goes into, he doesn’t need to justify his requests. I am not controlling him, we just happen to have separate accounts.

Circumlocutious · 16/12/2020 15:15

He should be transferring a set amount into your account every month, to cover typical shopping expenditures that you need. And topped up with spending/personal money, assuming he has the same luxury for himself. No need to ask for anything.

Original poster
Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 15:15

@Aprilx yes if I needed tampons or pads or something like that I'd say can I have x amount for some pads I wouldn't just say I need some money

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 15:16

@AnneLovesGilbert I've asked him if we can get married and he said no he wants to ask but after 10 years as his girlfriend I don't see that he will ever ask

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 15:17

@AnneLovesGilbert we agreed he would support us and that it defo wouldn't be like it is now

OP posts:
Carrottop73 · 16/12/2020 15:20

You really need to get a job and then split childcare costs with your partner in relation to your earnings. This will give you independence and freedom.

Are you unable to work because of disability? If so are you entitled to disability related benefits for yourself?

You cannot go on as an adult with no money. You are trapping yourself.

HavelockVetinari · 16/12/2020 15:23

@Chocolate1992

You are being very unreasonable. Yes you have a child together which he should contribute to however if you’re not even working you have no right to question his finances.
The 1950s called, they want you back
goopsoup · 16/12/2020 15:23

Wow what’s up with this thread. MN is usually shit hot on financial abuse yet OP is getting a hard time here.

HavelockVetinari · 16/12/2020 15:24

[quote Purplebags11]@Aprilx yes if I needed tampons or pads or something like that I'd say can I have x amount for some pads I wouldn't just say I need some money [/quote]
This is SO wrong, you shouldn't have to justify every penny you spend, it's undignified. He's controlling.

LajesticVantrashell · 16/12/2020 15:24

Why is work not an option right now? I say this as someone who is counselling a friend through a split where her earning potential plummeted and she’s now in a very tricky situation.

RB68 · 16/12/2020 15:25

Is it controlling? Yes - you have to ask for every penny

Is it sensible re putting money aside etc - yes but should be a joint decision

It shouldn't matter married or not they are a family

Waveysnail · 16/12/2020 15:27

January is a long 5 weeks. He has been sensible to put it away. Why didn't you ask him than check his bank account - no wonder he was short with you

Waveysnail · 16/12/2020 15:28

Why dont you talk to him about a joint pot for spending and grocerys?

fantasmasgoria1 · 16/12/2020 15:28

Choli he is financially abusing her. The women's aid site says so. I am a qualified social worker and whilst doing my degree when doing work surrounding abuse this came up and it was classed as financial abuse. If op can't work right now as she said and she wants money then her partner either needs to help find a way for her to work or share finances with her.

myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 15:28

OP what you agreed and what has happened are two different things.

So go back to work. Split childcare and finances down the middle.

You have zero protection here now or for the future

Eifhsg · 16/12/2020 15:30

[quote Purplebags11]@Aprilx yes if I needed tampons or pads or something like that I'd say can I have x amount for some pads I wouldn't just say I need some money [/quote]
Are the posters claiming this is not remotely financially abusive high?

I don't understand how anyone can read about the op having to ask permission to buy stamps and think that's totally fine and normal. Let alone this.

Original poster
Purplebags11 · 16/12/2020 15:34

When I say I'd have to ask for tampons etc I mean I'd say can I use the card I need ... he has never said no to me having the card

OP posts:
MrDarcyismines · 16/12/2020 15:36

I feel sad that you have to ask him for money if you need period pads Sad I don't know if he is controlling or just stingy!
As you have been together 10 years, you need a better set up. He needs to transfer you a set amount of money every month.

Would you consider getting a job? An evening one or something?
Working gives me that independence. Also security! If anything was to happen to my marriage I have my job. If he was to fall ill, I have access to money. We also have a joint account where he puts 1k in and I can spend as little or as much as I like (not on crap obviously)
When you're in a committed relationship/marriage, you should never have to ask for money or made to feel rubbish for needing it.

Boulshired · 16/12/2020 15:38

You need to have rules and boundaries if you agree to be a SAHP, you have given up your financial independence whilst he remains self sufficient. Of course he is in financial control if you have no money. This needs to be agreed as soon as possible, I would never be in a position where I needed to ask a partner/husband to provide my tampons.

ReindeerAntlerLights · 16/12/2020 15:40

It is the having to tell him exactly what you want/need money for that is the financial abuse.

What is your housing situation? Rented? Owned? If he decided to kick you out tomorrow could he? You are unmarried (marital home protection) and have to ask to access money. You are not working and this leaves you in a very precarious position.

How much money does he have squirrelled away is a bank account in his sole name? How much do you have in your savings account?

This is why on MN being married is seen as important to get the basic legal rights if you choose to give up your job and become a SAHM. Your career is impacted, your pension is impacted, your future earnings are impacted. He at the very least should offer you and his daughter the legal protection of marriage. You have asked, clearly he is not willing to share his money with you.

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