AIBU to tell my vegetarian boyfriend that I know he eats meat in secret

[LucyRivers167]

My DP and I have been together four years, both vegetarian. I don't care what he eats and have never been one of those judgy and pushy vegetarians.

However I have now found by accident (when putting the washing machine on) two receipts for McDonald's in his pockets for chicken burgers and a big Mac. I know he goes to McDonald's but he always said it was just for chips. I looked at the dates on the receipts, it's when I'm out or none the wiser. He has lied directly to my face essentially because one of the receipts was from when I saw a friend. I remember coming back and asking what he had done with his day - he said didn't leave the house and ate a cheese sandwich.

He even said the other day 'if I was going to eat meat, it would at least be the good stuff like steak not fast food."

I don't care what he eats, I really don't. But he seems to think I'll judge him.

I am just surprised at how good he can tell little lies though. There are a couple other more important things I know he has lied about too (stuff to do with his ex, what his job is/was) and my trust for him had already been damaged. It may seem stupid but the McDonald's thing is now more important than it should be

He has low self esteem and everything he has lied about in the past I think are things he's embarrassed about. I don't know whether to tell him I know about the Big Mac or just leave it alone as it is just a silly little thing and I think he uses food to de-stress.

He's a lovely man and partner. So very kind. But I'm worried about his honesty. He has chronic depression and anxiety too, and the pandemic has been very hard for him. I can imagine eating a sneaky McDonalds is a way of getting some pleasure.

I’d struggle to share a life with someone who would blatantly lie to my face like that.

I’m vegetarian and don’t give a shiny shit what others eat. I don’t do lying though.

I've buy him a Big Mac and put a post it on it saying "it's ok" and leave it on the side for him. He is probably hiding from you for what he thinks are good intentions.

He sounds like a psychopath because of the compulsive lying. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

Another vegetarian here who doesn't care what other people eat but wouldn't tolerate lying.

Maybe work on his self-esteem. What he eats doesn't matter. But feeling a need to lie about it isn't good for him. Good luck.

It’s not even about meat, it’s all the lies combined

@ScalpHelp

It’s not even about meat, it’s all the lies combined

Absolutely this.

I’d always have a nagging doubt of - what else is he lying about?

Hi all, thanks for confirming that I'm not being silly to care about the lying. I spoke to my sister about this and she just laughed and said they are only white lies.

Can't bear lies.

For me you cannot trust or depend on a liar.

It's not the small lies, it's what they represent.
Someone who will say anything to avoid dealing with the reality of any situation, no matter how inconsequential or petty.

No can do.

I am just surprised at how good he can tell little lies though. There are a couple other more important things I know he has lied about too (stuff to do with his ex, what his job is/was) and my trust for him had already been damaged. It may seem stupid but the McDonald's thing is now more important than it should be

He has low self esteem and everything he has lied about in the past I think are things he's embarrassed about. I don't know whether to tell him I know about the Big Mac or just leave it alone as it is just a silly little thing and I think he uses food to de-stress.

He's a lovely man and partner. So very kind. But I'm worried about his honesty. He has chronic depression and anxiety too, and the pandemic has been very hard for him. I can imagine eating a sneaky McDonalds is a way of getting some pleasure.

This is going to come across as harsh and unfeeling but I'm really struggling to see how this is a "lovely man and partner". By your own admission, he lies to you about both big and small things. Then appears to try to justify this lying as being about his insecurity, at which point I assume you are supposed to feel sympathetic because he felt he had no choice (making YOU the bad guy when HE was the one lying). He claims to be vegetarian but apparently that's just because he thinks that's what you want so basically, he's lying about who he is. Which is also stupid because you say you don't care if he's vegetarian or not.

I just don't really see how this is a great guy or a good relationship. Sorry.

Leave the receipts out some where obvious then he’ll know that you know. Then see what he says?

I’m with you OP I would be disturbed he was happy to lie to me.

I had one of these - he’d have white lies he’d tell others, never occurred to me that he was doing the same to me. And he had much, much bigger lies he was hiding!

What the fuck. This isn't about meat eating.

He's a compulsive liar.

Get rid, it's as simple as that. This is your early warning sign!

He is NOT lovely. And you definitely won't think he's lovely when you find out about the massive bank loan, the dodgy relationship with the colleague, the gambling... Never be with a liar. Never ever ever.

Have you had a wee nc fail Op?

Anyway. I don’t like lying. If someone can lie easily over little things then they can lie about big things.

@ScalpHelp

He sounds like a psychopath because of the compulsive lying. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

Bit extreme! Some people lie to avoid conflict or being "told off". Doesn't make it ok at all though.

I couldn't be in a relationship with a liar. Not only does it destroy trust, but it takes away the partner's choice to be with the "real you". If you can't be upfront about your choices then your partner is in a relationship with an illusion.

The food wouldn't bother me but the lies most definitely would. The ones he's told (that you know about anyway) may well come from insecurities about himself or your opinion of him but that doesn't change the fact that he is clearly comfortable lying to your face and imo that means you can't trust a word he says. It's not too much to expect a grown adult to own their imperfections rather than covering them all up and you can't properly know someone who isn't willing/able to be their true self around you.

He's not lovely though is he? Because he's pathologically lying. And not even about serious stuff! About a fucking Big Mac.

So he's not lovely because he's not who he's pretending to be.

It's weird that someone would lie so much. "Low self-esteem" sounds like an excuse in this instance.

To all those saying "I hate liars...I'd never lie"

You are literally lying by saying that

Everyone lies. Everyone. Yes, even you.

This particular lie is really not massive. Moment of weakness? Feels shame that he has professed to be an ethical vegetarian so can't come clean?

We all have our dark sides. If his is eating a secret burger, I wouldn't worry.

I’d have thought he didn’t come clean because he thought you’d have a go at him. Even a minor go.

The lies would bother me. My husband is vegetarian, but we both know he will eat the DS's leftover chicken/sausage/etc if it's otherwise going in the bin. He's never felt the need to lie about it.
If he'd had a moment and gone out and bought a big mac in a moment of weakness I'd expect him to fess up and I'd be supportive (I'm not veggie but am quite pro-veggie generally). If I found out that he'd been eating meat behind my back I'd be really shocked.

He is lying about things that he sees as trivial but thinks you'll get upset at because he can't be arsed dealing with the fallout and your reactions.
Whether real or because of his anxiety and depression he thinks your reaction will be big and hard for him to manage.

This isn't just about the lies, but about how you both communicate

Thank you everyone appreciate the insight. I am on a fence, on one hand I feel angry that he can lie so easily and readily. On the other, as hamstersarse (love the nickname btw) said, we all lie including me sometimes.

Sorry I also changed my username after posting this, I worry he will know my account name etc.

I don't know whether to confront him and if I do, I am not sure how to do it..

Maybe what he means by not eating meat is he doesn't generally but he occasionally does weaken and have a burger. If you really don't care what he eats why are you having conversations about meat and whether he eats it? I hate lying but I admit I don't always tell the whole truth either.

The issue here isn’t the meat - it’s that he can lie to your face so easily and blatantly and doesn’t see a problem with it. So what else is he lying about?

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

It depends on the scale of the lies, the motivation behind them, and whether they do greater harm than undermining trust in a relationship.

Are lies used in a strategy of gaslighting or coercive control?

Or are they mostly harmless self-delusions or social lies?